Ryan desperately tries to turn off 48 FPS mode on his new TV.


Ryan desperately tries to turn off 48 FPS mode on his new TV.

SELF/LESS

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. SUPER-SECRETIVE SECRET LAB - VISITING HOURS 2-4 ON MONDAYS!

BEN KINGSLEY has cancer. He finds a mysterious note summoning him to a mysterious location all alone. He goes. This is SENSE/LESS.

BEN KINGSLEY

I hear you've discovered immortality, can this be? Note that if I have to jam part of my soul in anything, I'm out.

MATTHEW GOODE

We jam ALL of your soul in a NEW body! This genetically engineered model is the most beautiful, athletic, stunning, gorgeous, panty-watering manflesh on the market. It has the power to keep fans loving you no matter how many assgagging comic book movies you've-

BEN KINGSLEY

(sighs)

Ryan Reynolds?

MATTHEW GOODE

Aren't you EXCITED?! Did you SEE those Deadpool trailers? You know, that's ACTUALLY RYAN IN THE DEADPOOL SUIT, not a body double! Whoa!

BEN KINGSLEY

It's so cool people have to constantly remind each other there's a handsome actor in that costume or they'll realize any old goober could play the character.

MATTHEW GOODE

Ah, but imagine Ryan's power in your hands. Iron Man 3 would be wiped away... All you have to do is give me a large control over your money, tell no one we've contacted each other, and poison yourself in public.

BEN KINGSLEY

Why so secret? Has this been tested? Will there be side effects? How does this work? Why do I have to abandon my old life? Can I see your credentials again? Do I still get top billing? That sounds great!

BEN berates the underclass like a rich asshole, then FOLLOWS MATTHEW'S ORDERS. This is BRAIN/LESS.

BEN KINGSLEY

I'm ready, Matthew. Begin the transfer!

MATTHEW GOODE

Alright, you harvest a memory globe and pick a spirit guide while I use the lifestone to repower the old memory chamber-

BEN KINGSLEY

Wait, this is COMPLICATED? I thought I'd just eat a fortune cookie and switch bodies!

MATTHEW GOODE

Ha ha, it's really quite simple. We shove you in the Avatar Neural Machine, to which we drastically redesigned by making less colorful.

BEN becomes RYAN REYNOLDS! The amazing process has worked, sure to be an awe-inspiring moment and triumph over death for RYAN, who is VERY VERY EXCITED!

RYAN REYNOLDS

(mouth slightly open)

Wow. I am in such awe. I am alive. So excited. Amazing.

MATTHEW GOODE

Mwahaha! I mean, uh, hooray! You need to go through physical therapy, which will be as exciting as... watching someone go through physical therapy.

RYAN REYNOLDS

This is hard work. I am working hard. I am exhausted. So amazed.

MATTHEW GOODE

You must take these pills every day or your mind will spasm and you'll die. I'm only giving you one week's ration at a time, so you're now stuck to me forever! I control you with this medicine! Ha ha!

RYAN REYNOLDS

Oh no. I did not know this. I am upset. Such upset. But young. Amazed.

EXT. RYAN'S SUPAH COOL HIP BACHELOR PAD

RYAN works out and has sex and plays basketball and goes clubbing and rides jet-skis and... rocket boots? It is POINT/LESS.

DEREK LUKE

Why hello there, fellow peppy young ruffian! My name's Anton!

RYAN REYNOLDS

(mouth slightly open)

So. You're evil.

DEREK LUKE

What? No, I'm your new friend ready to hang out and get in car chases and go on adventures and make sidekick jokes-

RYAN REYNOLDS

This is a God-vs-Man movie. You are "Anton." Is your last name "LaVey?"

DEREK LUKE

Come on, I've had ten seconds of screentime and you've pegged me as evil? Nothing has even HINTED at that!

RYAN REYNOLDS

Ten bucks says you're Matthew's leading henchman, and another ten says one of you gets set on fire.

DEREK LUKE

You're on, asshole.

Eventually RYAN forgets to take a pill. He has memories of a PUMPKIN WATER TOWER, a FARM, and NATALIE MARTINEZ.

RYAN REYNOLDS

I've had visions of this woman-

MATTHEW GOODE

That's nothing! Ignore the pumpkin tower! Natalie Martinez is just in your head! There is no farm!

(pause)

Uh, I just guessed those were your visions. From the look in your, erm, eyes.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Hmm, my eyes show nothing but vague confusion, he must be lying. But Google never lies.

(types in Google)

Search "Pumpkin." Huh, that didn't give me what I want. How about "Farm?" No? "Pumpkin farm?" I'm being so specific, I can't believe this isn't working.

Somehow, he FINDS the FARM! Using what looks suspiciously like the BING IMAGE SEARCH!

EXT. THE FARM, WHICH RYAN'S CAREER WILL BUY

RYAN wanders in and finds a picture of... himself, NATALIE, and their DAUGHTER! GASP!

RYAN REYNOLDS

Oh wow. This body was someone else's. Probably some dude named after a gospel writer.

NATALIE MARTINEZ

Mark! It's you!

DEREK LUKE

(barging in)

SURPRISE, I'm evil and also Matthew's right-hand henchman! I come bearing a FLAMETHROWER!

NATALIE MARTINEZ

Ack! I can't believe it!

RYAN REYNOLDS

(mouth slightly open)

My face shows shock. Look.

DEREK just explains everything to RYAN because FUCK MYSTERY.

DEREK LUKE

We psychopathically harvest bodies of poor people. Trust me now? Please ignore my men staging Natalie's death literally outside the window.

NATALIE MARTINEZ

Good thing "Mark" was a specialist in arm-crush-fu, which transfers to Ryan now! Because arm-fu is genetic!

DEREK LUKE

AAAAARGH SHOOT RYAN!

(corners Ryan)

STOP I WANT HIM ALIVE!

(gets a scratch)

OWCHIE THAT HURT! SHOOT RYAN!

There's an ARM-CRUSHING-FU FIGHT! RYAN shoots a bunch of people, has like fifty chances to shoot DEREK but decides to beat him melee style and SPRAY HIM WITH THE FLAMETHROWER instead. It is MOREOR/LESS the same thing.

NATALIE MARTINEZ

Good thing I installed that man-sized air duct in our farmhouse so we could escape! What's going on, my dear husband?

RYAN REYNOLDS

That's me, your husband. I can't tell you anything but I am definitely your husband.

NATALIE MARTINEZ

Sure you are. So, the plan is to get the police and expose this corrupt agency's practices, right?

RYAN REYNOLDS

The police. No. They are all, um, Rastafarians. They won't help us.

NATALIE MARTINEZ

Let's get my sack of flour who I love very much. Actually, it's my daughter, but we could just as well get a sack of flower with legs for all the plot value she has.

DAUGHTER

Wow, my daddy's alive! Daddy! I have pierced ears! Wow, Daddy!

(lines accidently left on repeat for entire movie)

INT. A NURSING HOME, WHERE RYAN'S CAREER BOOKS A SPACE

RYAN tracks down MATTHEW and demands a coherent motive. This is probably HOPE/LESS.

MATTHEW GOODE

Scientists should live forever. Science demands sacrifice. Big Theory will harvest poor people so we may fulfill our dreams of becoming God.

RYAN REYNOLDS

(mouth slightly open)

I am shocked.

MATTHEW GOODE

Why do you keep making that face?

RYAN REYNOLDS

(mouth slightly open)

I'm trying to balance out what you just said with extra subtlety. Why don't you inject autism in a screaming fetus to stick on a fake Mars landing for profit?

MATTHEW straight-up MURDERS some children, off-screen. RYAN is upstaged by a horrified nearby cantaloupe. Suddenly NOT DEREK LUKE runs in, having been revived in a NEW BODY!

NEW DEREK LUKE

I'm a white guy now? Does that still count as killing the black guy first, or-

There's a TOTALLY KICKASS CAR CHASE, choreographed by IMMORTAN JOE'S GRANDMOTHER'S BRIDGE CLUB!!!! It's the coolest car chase ever, for people who haven't been in a theater for twenty years!

HENCHMEN

(shooting wildly at Ryan)

WE HAVE TO KILL RYAN! HE MIGHT EXPOSE US!

RYAN REYNOLDS

My objective is to live on a tropical beach, then probably sacrifice myself so "Mark" gets his body back. Just leave me alone.

HENCHMEN

AAAARGH YOU GAVE AWAY OUR OVER-FORESHADOWED ENDING! YOU HAVE TO EXTRA-DIE NOW!

RYAN outwits the henchman. DEREK LUKE crashes into a tree and goes up in flames. Again.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Maybe if I leave him alive instead of shooting him in the damn brain, I can get ten MORE bucks from him.

But MATTHEW kidnaps NATALIE and the DAUGHTER! He shoves them in a closet marked "CLIMACTIC PLOT DEVICE STORAGE," from which they'll never escape.

The closet, by the way, is WINDOW/LESS.

INT. ROADSIDE BAR, WHERE THE TALENTED SUPPORTING CAST DRINK AWAY THEIR LIFE CHOICES

RYAN'S FRIEND WHO WAS IN TITANIC

Here Ryan, I happen to have the SECRET FORMULA for those pills. I know that solves all the most interesting conflicts, but the tension was killing me!

RYAN REYNOLDS

I've lost hope. I don't know where Matthew's lair is.

TITANIC GUY

What? You've been to his lair TWICE already!

RYAN REYNOLDS

I've had a vision of the lair in a warehouse, and how many warehouses store Mardi Gras floats? I am crafty, look.

(mouth twitch!)

TITANIC GUY

Wait, did you just make a joke? Is that how you deliver jokes? Have you been making those the whole time?! And YOU got cast as Marvel's funniest character?!

RYAN REYNOLDS

I found the right warehouse. I'm going in.

TITANIC GUY

But... THIS IS FUCKING NEW ORLEANS! Only ONE warehouse in ALL of New Orleans stores Mardi Gras floats?! WHY ARE YOU AN A-LIST ACTOR AND I'M NOT

RYAN REYNOLDS

I am amazed.

TITANIC GUY

What's REALLY amazing is that I cared more about the anthropomorphic volcano love story than anything in this flaccid film nipple.

INT. WAREHOUSE LAB

After just kind of WALKING IN and shooting a guard that looks like a WEASLY, RYAN is captured.

MATTHEW GOODE

Mwahaha! Throw him in the Avatar Machine so Derek Luke can take over his body!

(does so)

Ah, now to relax. Wait a minute... Did Ryan just CLOSE his mouth?

RYAN REYNOLDS

Ha ha. I swallowed METAL, which electrocutes the fuck out of anything in an MRI. Lucky for me, it just made the machine stop working.

DEADPAN REYNOLDS turns FUCK/LESS about shooting some GUARDS! But he spares a TECHNICIAN who knows the technology and was cool with killing children and now gets off scott free.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Off to save the girl, take out your guards, hide behind a filing cabinet, yadda yadda

MATTHEW GOODE

Oho! If you kill me, you can't get the crucial medicine! I'm the only one who knows the formula!

NATALIE MARTINEZ

Oh no! You can't kill him, he's the only one who knows the formula!

DEREK LUKE

It's too bad nobody told Ryan that formula ten minutes ago, and now he has to make a crucial choice! Only Matthew knows the formula!

HENCHMEN

How will Ryan ever survive if he's killed Matthew? Formula!

DAUGHTER

Wow, Daddy! Daddy's here! Hi, Daddy!

RYAN REYNOLDS

(flexes mouth muscles)

You're all wrong. *I* know the formula. See here, the secret ingredient to immortality is...

(reads formula)

Peanut Butter? REALLY?

WRITERS DAVID AND ALEX PASTOR

We know so much about science! That's why we're the best people to criticize it!

RYAN sets MATTHEW on FIRE, WHO'DA THOUGHT! Everyone else shrugs and walks away.

RYAN REYNOLDS

You owe me forty bucks, Anton.

EXT. HAPPY ISLAND OF BEACHES AND PALM TREES AND CHURCHES

RYAN dramatically sacrifices himself, off-screen of course, so "MARK" can re-take over his own body. This is LESS of everything.

RYAN REYNOLDS

(mouth slightly open)

I am a different person. I am shocked. So shocked. Look.

NATALIE MARTINEZ

For a movie trying so hard to be a think piece, what was the damn moral?

RYAN REYNOLDS

Oh that's obvious. Hollywood needs to assure us all, once again, to watch out for those scheming Belials who languish in indulgence and hedonism and-

REAL-LIFE SATANISTS

GODDAMMIT There's only like fifty of us alive! We wave penises in the air to invoke Leviathan, who even takes us seriously?!

RYAN REYNOLDS

I was referring to doctors. "You will go to hell for using modern medicine" is actually, seriously, the message.

The AUDIENCE gets a headache from the stupidity, so they all take ibuprofen. This retroactively murders a county of poor people.

END

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