"Is that... is that Scary Movie 3? These actually get better once we stop being in them?"


"Is that... is that Scary Movie 3? These actually get better once we stop being in them?"

SCARY MOVIE 2

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. OLD SCARY HOUSE

A freakishly DATED parody of THE EXORCIST plays itself out, with the help of ANDY RICHTER and JAMES WOODS.

ANDY RICHTER

I am a religious man, and I am making sexual references and swearing!

JAMES WOODS

I am also cursing like a sailor! Except, a very funny sailor! I'm slightly less detestable in this role than usual.

POSESSED GIRL

I am not so much a parody of the character from Exorcist as much as a direct rip-off. This is continuing the tradition of the first Scary Movie, of course.

ANDY RICHTER

Except the main difference was that Scary Movie was an unnecessary parody of a parody. This is just a parody of scary movies, much like Scream, originally titled Scary Movie, which was originally parodied in the first parody of a parody, Scary Movie.

POSESSED GIRL

Er, wait, huh?

Her head EXPLODES!

JAMES WOODS

Hooray! Good job, Andy. Fuck shit ass bitch cunt.

CONAN O'BRIEN

You left our show to do this crap?

EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS, ONE YEAR LATER

ANNA FARIS shows up, followed by a SHITLOAD OF WAYANSES. MARLON WAYANS, I THINK walks around, making references to POT.

MARLON WAYANS, I THINK

I like pot. Pot, pot, pot, pot.

ANNA FARIS

Hey, will you teach me to speak like a rapper? This will be really uncomfortable and awkward. Also, it will take a long time to lead up to one stupid joke. That will also continue a trend from the first movie.

DIRECTOR KEENAN IVORY WAYANS

Actually that's not so much a trend as a staple of my incompetent direction style.

DAMON WAYANS

I'm pretty sure I'm not in this, but it's so difficult to tell. I might be a producer or something.

PROBABLY SHAWN WAYANS

I am gay. This character trait will be exploited in every imaginable way. When we run out of gags, it's time to make a homosexual joke. I would like to have sexual intercourse with a man! A MAN!!

REGINA HALL

I'm dating the gay Shawn Wayans. Wait, didn't I die in the first movie?

ANNA FARIS

I think so. I believe it was for being loud and obnoxious with your shrill voice, which you seem to have managed to make shriller for the sequel.

REGINA HALL

Damn, girl. If they were going to pretend someone from the first movie wasn't killed, why did they pick me with my obnoxious voice instead of super-goddess Shannon Elizabeth?

DAVID CROSS

Hey everyone. I'm going to take you to the haunted house from the first scene. Look, I'm in a wheelchair! This will be exploited in the same pathetic fashion as Shawn's homosexuality. God, I'm actually funny, what am I doing in this dreck?

CHRIS MASTERSON

I'm the guy from Malcom in the Middle. If you look really fast, I swear to God I look just like Doogie Howser.

HOT GIRL

I am hot. That's about it for me folks, we aren't going for a lot of depth here.

TORI SPELLING

Hi! I'm Tori Spelling! Aren't I just the last person you'd want to see in this movie?

ANNA FARIS

Wait, weren't you in Scream 2?

TORI SPELLING

Yes. I played an actress playing a character from Scream 1 in its sequel, Scream 2. This is not to be confused with me playing a character in a sequel to a parody of Scream 1 and 2.

(pause)

Like, come to think of it, I'm pretty confused about this role.

ANNA FARIS

That's okay. I'm confused about your entire career. For example, why do you have one?

INT. HAUNTED HOUSE

CHRIS ELLIOT greets the MAIN CAST.

CHRIS ELLIOT

Look at my hand! It's weird! Weird weird weird! I smashed it with a mallet two hundred times as retribution for Cabin Boy.

Suddenly, the house is infested with GHOSTS. Our cast RUNS.

DIRECTOR KEENAN IVORY WAYANS

Instead of staying confined to slasher films, we're broadening our scope to include every horror film ever made. However, with all I have to work with I can't seem to think of a single decent gag that's more funny than it is shocking or sexually charged. As such, the rest of the film will be devoted to making obscure television and commercial references. These will be great, since this movie is made for people who watch tons of television.

ANNA FARIS

So, basically, morons?

DIRECTOR KEENAN IVORY WAYANS

Well, I think that should be pretty obvious by now. Hey, check out these penises and breasts!

PENISES and BREASTS appear. They are FUNNY because they are SHOCKING, except considering that it's a sequel to SCARY MOVIE, they aren't even REMOTELY SURPRISING.

GHOST

I will kill you all! You may now react to me in almost the exact same way you reacted to the killer in the first Scary Movie! Also, please have sex and oral sex as frequently as possible.

DIRECTOR KEENAN IVORY WAYANS

Yes! Sex! I can't seem to think about anything else!

TORI SPELLING

Hey Ghost, can I have sex with you and give you an invisible blowjob?

GHOST

Blowjob? Well, shit, it's been almost two minutes since we had a blowjob reference. Go for it.

Everyone begins having sex or oral sex with someone else. ANNA jerks off CHRIS MASTERSON, who lets loose a huge EJACULATION!

DIRECTOR KEENAN IVORY WAYANS

Hey, it worked in the first one.

DAVID CROSS

Look everyone! I'm in a wheelchair! I will never walk again! Isn't that funny?!

A CAT begins a fight with ANNA FARIS.

ANNA FARIS

I'm going to punch the cat and have an unnecessarily long fist fight. I can't wait to see what sick and shocking punch line awaits.

DIRECTOR KEENAN IVORY WAYANS

Actually, this is the punch line. The cat will eventually win. Heh.

For the next hour, the following happens: SEX GAG, WHEELCHAIR GAG, SEX GAG, HOMOSEXUALITY GAG, SEX GAG, BLOWJOB GAG, HANDJOB GAG, SEX GAG, POT GAG, WHEELCHAIR GAG, SEX GAG, POT GAG, WHEELCHAIR/SEX GAG, LAME REFERENCE TO MISSION IMPOSSIBLE, SEX GAG, HANDJOB GAG, LAME REFERENCE TO CHARLIE'S ANGELS, SEX GAG, BLOWJOB GAG, POT GAG, LAME REFERENCE TO HANNIBAL, SEX GAG, SEX GAG, HOMOSEXUALITY GAG, NUMEROUS WHEELCHAIR GAGS, SLIGHTLY CUTE BUT UNIMPRESSIVE REFERENCE TO FIRESTONE TIRES, SEX GAG.

AUDIENCE

Jesus. And I thought The Haunting was awful; the parody of it makes me want to cut off a horse's testicles, lick them until I get so aroused that I get off from it, and ejaculate onto a disabled child's face, knocking him backwards into a giant vat of donkey poop.

(pause)

Ah shit, now he's got me doing it.

DIRECTOR KEENAN IVORY WAYANS

My sophomoric mentality spreads like lubricant on a huge, leprosy ridden cock! Yes!

AUDIENCE

Enough, god damn you!

The AUDIENCE MEMBERS beat KEENAN to death with their penises.

END

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