"Holy shit, they gave you an actual script for this thing!?"


"Holy shit, they gave you an actual script for this thing!?"

SCARY MOVIE

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. THE WAYANS LAIR

WAYANS #1189

It's high time someone makes fun of those stupid teen horror movies of recent times.

WAYANS #223

Agreed, brother! We should really attack the films and ridicule their banality!

WAYANS #1189

Actually, I was thinking we could just re-create scenes from the movies and steal lines directly from them except add fart noises and dirty words.

WAYANS #6223

Brilliant! To the Wayansmobile!

INT. CARMEN ELECTRA'S HOUSE

CARMEN lets out a FART.

CARMEN ELECTRA

I'm Carmen Electra. I've been in playboy. I won't be nude in this movie.

GHOSTFACE (FUNNY VERSION)

Hi! I'm not even a parody of ghostface from the original Scream trilogy, I'm a direct copy! Except funny!

GHOSTFACE (FUNNY VERSION) chases CARMEN. She does a STRIPTEASE and gets killed by her dad, who was getting a BLOWJOB.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL

SHANNON ELIZABETH, REGINA HALL, ANNA FARIS, JON ABRAHAMS, a DUMB JOCK, and a SHITLOAD OF WAYANSES discuss the recent death of CARMEN.

ANNA FARIS

Oh my god, I knew that girl.

JON ABRAHAMS

Me too. Please give me a BLOWJOB.

REGINA HALL

That girl that died was white, whereas I am black, which I will draw attention to using an outrageous amount of sass. Mmm hmm. She dead, girl.

SHANNON ELIZABETH

I can't BELIEVE I posed nude for the same magazine she posed nude for! That could have been me!

(pause)

Speaking of nudity, I will also not be appearing naked in this movie.

DUMB JOCK

I, however, will! Check out my tiny penis!

WAYANS #223

I am a closeted homosexual. Dumb Jock has a nice ass, even if his penis is small.

A RETARDED GUY walks up.

RETARDED GUY

Hi. My name is Doofy. It is a humorous take on the name Dewey from the movie we're trying to parody. This is similar to the style of MAD Magazine, which we'd kill to be as funny as. We wanted to actually call the movie Squeamish. Yeech!

CHERI OTERI

I'd like to give you a BLOWJOB.

WAYANS #6271

I like smoking weed! Weed makes me act silly, which is very funny and not at all overdone in movies!

(puff)

This is some good shit. Man, what a great line. "This is some good shit." Brilliant!

ANNA FARIS

It's time for an obligatory reference to one of the movies we're supposedly making fun of. To do this, we should re-create the scene from the movie almost exactly with the addition of one, perhaps two gags.

EXT. OPEN ROAD - FLASHBACK

JON is driving and via some silly antics, ANNA winds up sort of giving him a BLOWJOB.

JON ABRAHAMS

Hooray, a BLOWJOB!

They hit a MAN and hide the body.

WAYANS #1189

This is making fun of I Know What You Did Last Summer!

The DUMB JOCK physically abuses ANNA, which is very funny because it is disturbing to watch.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL

SHANNON ELIZABETH

Like, what a pointless and unfunny flashback.

DUMB JOCK

It was so needless and obscure that it makes me... ANGRY!!!

To take out his anger, he kicks ANNA in the face a few times.

He is then killed in a noncomical way.

INT. MOVIE THEATER

REGINA and WAYANS #223 are watching a movie. REGINA won't shut up.

WAYANS #223

I'm going to go to the bathroom to see if there's anything funny happening in there.

INT. BATHROOM

The WAYANS enters a stall and puts his ear to a hole. A PENIS goes through the hole and then through his head.

WAYANS #223

This was totally and utterly pointless in every imaginable way! Look, though! A penis! Isn't that funny?!?

INT. MOVIE THEATER

REGINA is murdered for talking nonstop during the movie.

AUDIENCE

We're allowed to do that? Cool! Next person who whips out a cell phone gets it crammed up their ass.

INT. A PARTY LIKE THE ONE IN SCREAM

ANNA FARIS

Look! A party like the one in Scream! Oh, this is so clever.

CHERI OTERI

You think that's clever? Check THIS out!

CHERI contributes to a parody of the famous up-the-nose shot from Blair Witch.

CHERI OTERI

Ha! I bet you never saw any parodies of that scene, eh?

WAYANS #6223

I see dead people. Wazzzzap!!! I'm the king of the world!

WAYANS #1189

I am so witty and original! Line-by- line references to The Sixth Sense! A re-creation of the budweiser ads! A reference to Titanic! This is golden! I am a comic genius! Why the hell can't I get work?

SHANNON ELIZABETH

Maybe we should steal directly from the scripts of some of the movies we are "making fun of" except we could smoke pot while saying them and draw attention to some penises! Oh, and BLOWJOB.

She is killed in a way that would have been funny, except that the scene took about twenty extra minutes more than it should have.

INT. BEDROOM

ANNA FARIS

I think I will now have sex with you.

JON ABRAHAMS

Really? Perhaps you could give me a BLOWJOB. Here, have a hot dog. I will feed it to you in a way that alludes to you giving me a BLOWJOB.

ANNA FARIS

I've never given a BLOWJOB before but I guess I could try to give a BLOWJOB and bite down on your penis.

GHOSTFACE (FUNNY VERSION)

(breaking through the door)

Bwahaha! I'm here to kill!

JON ABRAHAMS

If you're talking about the running BLOWJOB gag, we've already killed it. I mean this is, what, the 30th reference to oral sex now? God damn.

GHOSTFACE (FUNNY VERSION)

Well if I cannot kill the joke, I will kill you!

They run away. Anna jumps up like in the Matrix. This is very FUNNY because it looks like the Matrix, but it is actually happening in a living room.

GHOSTFACE (FUNNY VERSION) stabs JON and ANYWHERE BETWEEN ONE AND SEVEN WAYANS BROTHERS. ANNA beats GHOSTFACE (FUNNY VERSION) with a FUNNY DILDO until he passes out. ANNA lifts off the mask to reveal: CHERI OTERI!

CHERI OTERI

Damn, you caught me! And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids.

ANNA FARIS

But why, Cheri, why?

CHERI OTERI

Oh come on. Look at this piece of shit. Your arrogance just pissed me off, I had to kill you all. I mean, what the fuck is the point of making a parody of a movie that was itself originally a parody?

ABRIDGED SCRIPT AUTHOR ROD

Good point. Fuck this thing.

END


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