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Saving Private Ryan

SAVING PRIVATE RYAN

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. A GRAVEYARD - DAY

An OLD MAN stands in front a grave, among the hundreds of them in the graveyard. He begins crying in a moment sure to manipulate the audience into crying.

EXT. BEACH - DAY

Hundreds upon hundreds of SOLDIERS storm onto the beach. Evil GERMANS are waiting, shooting at them all. All of them DIE. The few who don't die happen to be TOM HANKS and his MISFIT CREW of soldiers who will help him.

TOM HANKS

There goes half of the extras.

Bombs and explosives are going off, and limbs are flying across the screen.

DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG

War is hell.

SENILE WAR VETERANS IN AUDIENCE

Wow. This is realistic.

(crying)

I remember this so well. All of that mayhem..

GEN-X MEMBERS OF AUDIENCE

I thought this movie was supposed to be really violent.

INT. SOME OFFICE - DAY

GENERAL

We need to save Private Ryan.

EXT. FIELDS - DAY

TOM HANKS and his CREW have been assigned to saving Private Ryan. They walk through a field. Suddenly, EVIL GERMANS ambush them.

EVIL GERMANS

Har har! Ve are Germans and ve are faceless und extremely evil villains! Just like in Schindler's List und Indiana Jones.

DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG

I do NOT have issues, damn it.

A battle ensues, in which limbs fly across the screen and blood covers every piece of matter available. All of the EVIL GERMANS die, and one member of HANK'S CREW dies. He is the character played by the least famous actor in the crew.

DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG

War is hell.

EXT. SOMEWHERE ELSE - DAY

The above scene repeats itself in various locations until only a few members of the CREW remain or until FAKE BLOOD gets a new tax placed on it.

DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG

War is hell!

EXT. A BRIDGE - DAY

TOM HANKS

We are looking for Private Ryan.

MATT DAMON

I am him.

TOM HANKS

Your brothers are dead. You can go home.

MATT DAMON

Despite being totally crushed by the deaths of three of my family members, I will stay here and fight this battle, as I owe it to my country.

(looking at camera)

I am an American. And I OWE THIS TO MY COUNTRY!

TOM HANKS

Then I shall help you fight.

TOM HANKS and what's left of his CREW plus DAMON and the crew he is with all fight more EVIL GERMANS, who are more heavily armed. Everyone is KILLED, except for MATT DAMON.

DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG

War is hell.

EXT. GRAVEYARD - DAY

OLD MAN, who, by process of elimination, is MATT DAMON, begins crying some more.

OLD MAN

(looking at camera)

I hope I have been a good man. For, you see, all of those people died to protect me.

(looking directly at you)

PEOPLE WENT TO WAR AND DIED TO PROTECT ME AND MY FREEDOM!

DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG

In case you stupider audience members don't get it, a lot of people died for your freedom, and this is what they had to go through, and you REALLY owe them.

The OLD MAN solutes the grave. It is very SURPRISING and NOT CLICHE. Another LIMB flies across the screen.

END