The Abridged Script
INT. SOMEWHERE IN ENGLAND
STONERS IN AUDIENCE
(smoking massive joints)
Awright! Time to watch the big pot movie! Woo-hoo!
Onscreen, there is a FUNERAL going on for the late husband of BRENDA BLETHYN.
I just don't know what to do now that my husband's dead.
Why don't you grow some pot!
I'm sorry to tell you this, Brenda Blethyn, who is a renowned gardener, but your husband left behind massive debts that you can't possibly pay through conventional means.
Oh, what to do, what shall I do?
Maybe you should grow some pot!!
I'm afraid there is also a gargantuan outstanding mortgage which, unless it is paid somehow, will result in your beloved home, including its expansive greenhouse, being sold, leaving you broke with nowhere to live. All your renowned gardening skills will have come to naught.
Oh dear, if only there was some way out of this mess.
CO-STAR AND SCREENWRITER CRAIG FERGUSON
You're telling me. I'm also bummed out because there's nowhere to get good pot, and all I have is this one little pathetic plant that's suffering from being poorly gardened by someone without renowned gardening skills.
What a dilemma we are in. If only there was something we could do.
(through cloud of smoke)
WHY DON'T YOU GROW SOME FUCKING POT ALREADY!!!
For some reason the idea of growing pot does NOT OCCUR to BRENDA BLETHYN for SOME GOOD TIME YET, until finally she looks at the damned POSTER OUTSIDE THE THEATRE and sees ALL TRAILERS AND ADS and realizes she should be GROWING SOME FUCKING POT, ALREADY.
INT. A QUITE BRITISH GREENHOUSE
BRENDA BLETHYN is finally growing some pot.
Oh dear, look, despite being a respectable British middle-aged lady, I'm growing pot.
This is such a zany turn of events, and not at all the basic premise on which we sold this movie to the distributors and the general public.
EXT. VILLAGE THAT IS SO VERY BRITISH INDEED
BRENDA BLETHYN talks to a friend who is BRITISH, and therefore, ZANY.
I say, I've decided to grow some pot, despite being respectable and middle-aged.
She waits for the PEALS OF LAUGHTER which, oddly, do not arrive. The MOVIE, sensing this, decides to switch into HIGH GEAR by introducing the hilariously unforeseen conceit of respectable British people not only GROWING pot, but also INGESTING it.
TWO RANDOM RESPECTABLE BRITISH LADIES
We're rather high, what.
They GIGGLE for a half hour.
My, this is rather lame humour.
Oh, sorry, I just figured the entire audience would be high as a kite anyway, and it wouldn't make any difference what crap we put on screen.
In a desperate attempt to engage the NON-STONED AUDIENCE, suddenly TCHEKY KARYO shows up as a menacing and somewhat deranged DRUG DEALER, which is of course HYSTERICALLY FUNNY and does NOT wind up in BRENDA BLETHYN being HIDEOUSLY MURDERED, because this is a COMEDY. In fact, they get MARRIED. No shit.
There, what a good story.
Right on! Legalize marijuana! What a powerful message!
Ah, no, we're not quite that brave, so actually Brenda burns all the pot so that she's still a good person, and could you please ignore that she just married the drug dealer.
So how does she save her house then?
Um... she writes a best-seller that over the course of a few days is published, printed, bound, packaged and distributed around the world, and that generates enough revenue for her to pay off all those mountainous debts, and for which she wins an award so that her final scene can be done in a cheap imitation Hollywood set, seen over a grainy television, all of which gives away the fact that I wrote this whole damned movie in about two hours.
We feel so ripped off, you bastard.
Oh give it a rest, you don't hear them complaining.