The Abridged Script
EXT. CALIFORNIA - MOUNTAIN ROAD
An IDIOT DRIVER winds merrily along a narrow mountain road while TEXTING, TWEETING, INSTRAGRAMMING, and ALMOST CRASHING INTO TWELVE OTHER CARS. Suddenly a ROCKSLIDE slams her vehicle down a cliff towards CERTAIN DEATH which is somehow a PROBLEM?
Never fear, citizen! I, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, am here to save you, along with my bitchin' helicopter and crack LAFD rescue team!
(winks to camera)
LAFD RESCUE GUY
Okay I've roped our helicopter to the car, wedged my arm underneath the rear bumper, and made this whole situation a horrible deathtrap for everybody, as per standard protocol! Over to you, Dwayne!
DWAYNE props up the CAR with the PEOPLE'S EYEBROW and grabs everyone with his IMPECCABLE MOVIE-STAR TEETH before BOUNDING to safety!
INT. LECTURE HALL
PAUL GIAMATTI is explaining the premise of the movie to a MACBOOK SHOWROOM.
To summarize, earthquakes fuck shit up. A lot. California is overdue for a big one, thus justifying this movie. Also, EARTHQUAKES cause TSUNAMIS when centred out at sea and not on land but please ignore that last bit.
INT. DWAYNE'S HOUSE
43-year-old DWAYNE calls up his nearly-30-year-old daughter ALEXANDRA DADDARIO, who is playing an UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT in presumably her THIRTEENTH YEAR having switched majors EIGHT TIMES.
Hey Dad. I just happened to be sunbathing in this bajillion-dollar house that Mom's new boyfriend owns, how're you doing?
Aw shit, really?!? Why does every natural-disaster movie have to do the estranged-spouse-with-asshole-new-partner thing? Like, EVERY SINGLE DAMN ONE?!?
Hey now, sometimes the hero has an estranged kid, or a dead kid. Oh guess what, you also have a dead kid! That's DOUBLE the well-worn motivation for taking on two hours of constant earthquakes!
Great, so we'll be breaking ground everywhere except the plot.
INT. FANCY OFFICE IN A REAAAALLY TAALL BUILDING, RUH-ROH! - SAN FRANCISCO
ALEXANDRA arrives with prospective stepdick IOAN GRUFFUDD, whose character is named RIDDICK in what seems like some very convoluted VIN DIESEL IN-JOKE. Maybe because VIN and DWAYNE do FAST & FURIOUS movies together, or something?
Behold my tall, mighty skyscraper! It's designed to be superstrong in case of, oh I dunno, snowstorms. Alexandra, wait here while I do Business Things!
Hallo! I'm British and nervously awaiting an interview. And this is my little brother Art Parkinson. Wow, what are the odds I'd bump into the boss's daughter right before the interview?!?
I dunno, what are the odds I'd meet my future boyfriend right before the largest quake in recorded history?
Are they anywhere near the odds of scientists testing a brand-new method of quake detection right before the largest quake in recorded history? Speaking of which...
EXT. HOOVER DAM
PAUL GIAMATTI and fellow scientist WILL YUN LEE have just begun testing their brand-new method of quake detection when suddenly!
WILL YUN LEE
OH MY GOD the readings, look at the readings!! We have to warn people!
But it's TOO LATE as the QUAKE INSTANTLY HITS!
We REALLY need to work on the lead time of our awesome warning system.
The DAM starts to RUMBLE AND SHAKE AND CRACK from the 7.0 QUAKE which it would normally handle pretty well but it KNOWS WHAT PEOPLE PAID TO SEE, BABY!!
Quick everyone! Run off the dam that is about to completely collapse!
WELL DUH, THANKS FOR THE KEEN INSIGHT PROFESSOR MCSMARTYPANTS
WILL YUN LEE
Almost... there... oh no, a kid cowering in the danger area! I'll have to heroically go back and risk my life, just like Hawkeye in that classic scene from Age of Ultron!
Like who in the what now?
WILL sacrifices himself for the KID and DIES as the HOOVER DAM collapses! Sadly, since MARGOT KIDDER is unharmed SUPERMAN does not reverse time to un-destroy the dam.
INT. FANCY RESTAURANT IN ANOTHER REEEALLY TAAAALL BUILDING, OH BOYYYYY! - LOS ANGELES
DWAYNE'S wife CARLA GUGINO meets up with IOAN'S sister played by KYLIE MINOGUE, who has accidentally been given KEYWORDS instead of DIALOGUE.
Snob sneery bitch money snob bitchy
Really? Kylie Minogue?!? Is this some strange homage to 1970s disaster-flick stunt casting?
The QUAKE hits! RUMBLE RUMBLE SHAKE-SHAKETY CRACKABOOM!! Everyone rushes to various DOORS, and KYLIE picks DOOR NUMBER ONE which unfortunately now leads to the DEATH PIT from THIS IS THE END.
Ah-ha, NOW, according to the Monty Hall problem, I should switch doors!
(does so, gets to roof)
INT. GRUFFUDD BUILDING -- SAN FRANCISCO
ALEXANDRA and HUGO are almost halfway through the second round of Phase IV of their Meet Cute when QUAKE RUMBLE SMASH BOOM OH YEEEAHH!!!
Quick Alexandra, my limo will save us! Hey, it worked in "2012".
Unfortunately their DRIVER gets SUDDENLY, BRUTALLY, yet also BLOODLESSLY CRUSHED! Also ALEXANDRA is pinned!
Must resist stereotype, not prove to be total weak-willed douchebaFUCK THIS, BYE-BYYYEEEEEEEEE
EXT. JUST OUTSIDE LOS ANGELES
DWAYNE is flying his copter back for repairs.
Lum tee tum.
Dwayne, help! There's been a huge quake and thousands of people are in danger! Please come help only me!
Good thing you called before my civic responsibility did!
DWAYNE flies over and spots CARLA on top of the collapsing building!
Luckily the soles of my shoes are made of pure vibranium, which completely absorb the pounding shockwaves that are tearing apart the floor beneath me, thus allowing me to run on it!
I mean otherwise this would just be fucking impossible.
CARLA and her FORM-FITTING JEANS manage to leap into the copter!
Thank God you're safe. Now to calmly fly out WHOOPSIE DAISY HUGE GIANT BUILDING FALLING RIGHT AT US, HOW DID I NOT SEE THAT
DWAYNE flexes his LEFT KNEE propelling them to safety!
Wait, the phone is ringing! That's Alexandra's number!
...TO REPORT IMMEDIATELY! REPEAT, WE NEED ALL EXPERIENCED RESCUE PERSONNEL TO REPORT IMMEDIATELY! IT WILL TAKE ALL OUR BEST PEOPLE TO CO-ORDINATE AND EXECUTE OUR EMERGENCY PLAN TO SAVE THE HIGHEST NUMBER OF CIVILIANS, DO NOT DELAY IN--
SHUT UP MY DAUGHTER IS CALLING!!! Are you okay honey?
Actually I'm about to be crushed, so instead of alerting a nearby rescue unit, would you mind flying all the way over here personally? Ioan said he'd help but then Gruffucked off.
Oooo, damn that Ioan! I'll fuck him over good, assuming of course that he didn't just suffer a momentary panic and is, deep down, a basically decent person.
EXT. THE SHAKY STREETS OF SAN FRANCISCO
(throws random dude under falling concrete)
OUT OF MY WAY
(pushes old lady into giant hole)
LET ME PASS
(rips baby panda in half)
MY GOLF COURSE NEEDS YOUR DRINKING WATER
(spoils Game of Thrones finale)
INT. IOAN'S BANGED-UP BUILDING
HUGO and ART rescue ALEXANDRA with some clever thinking, after which ALEXANDRA leads them to an electronics store and uses her knowledge to find some needed supplies.
Hey, we're quite the smart, competent, resourceful trio! Let's use our talents to forge our own escape from this crisis JUST KIDDING let's call Dwayne again.
Okay, here's the plan! We'll meet at Coit Tower. You remember, the old, tall, narrow building with no external supports?
Got it. D'you suppose we should have a Plan B in case it shockingly didn't survive the massive quake?
Well Plan B will be you going back to the same building you just left, and if we say that out loud it might seem kinda dumb.
Suddenly the COPTER starts sputtering!
Damn, the copter was somehow damaged by having a skyscraper hit it! We're going down!
DWAYNE uses his PECTORALS to cushion the helicopter's landing as they crash into a CLOTHING STORE!
Quick Carla, for some reason we both need new clothes!
Lucky for us this section has both women's petite and men's Behemoth sizes, side by side. But how do we continue from here?
Sweet, more stolen goods for my stolen truck. And this handgun will keep any pesky municipal employees at bay I'm sure. Yup, they'd have to be pretty resourceful to plausibly overcome me!
DWAYNE decides FUCK IT and DISARMS the looter all COMBAT BADASS STYLE because he's an GODDAMN ACTION HERO SO THERE.
INT. PAUL GIAMATTI'S LAB
PAUL is being interviewed by reporter ARCHIE PANJABI when suddenly!
OH MY GOD the readings, look at the readings!! We have to warn people!
It's okay, I can arrange a live broadcast for you in mere minutes...
Shit, they're all doomed.
EXT. CALIFORNIA HIGHWAY
DWAYNE and CARLA drive along the highway having character moments and true feelings and stuff.
Hm, wonder why that gas station up ahead is torn in half. Lum tee tum OH CRAP GROUND MISSING
(slams on brakes)
(skids to halt)
I really gotta work on that whole "noticing shit" thing.
ADORABLE OLD VETERAN GUY
Hello. In exchange for your truck, I'll give you a new plane and a heartwarming moment of patriotic pride.
They fly the rest of the way to SAN FRANCISCO, then JUMP OUT of the plane and safely land RIGHT ON SECOND BASE inside GIANTS STADIUM despite having only a single DWAYNE'S GIANT COCK between them.
I think I've earned a corny "second base" joke, don't you?
Why not, you stopped being a vaguely realistic character half an hour ago.
INT. PAUL GIAMATTI'S LAB
Everyone is busy looking CONCERNED when suddenly!
OH MY GOD the readings, look at the readings!! Quick, everyone grab the closest sexy person and get under a desk together!
Please note how I'm stuck cowering under the exposed end leaf of the desk, while you lie down taking up two spots in the actual "underneath" section. Nice manspreading, dude.
EXT. SAN FRANCISCO
The SUPER HUGE QUAKE hits! SUPER-HUGE CRASH SUPER-HUGE SHAKEY-SHAKE SUPER-HUGE BADABOOM!!! DWAYNE herds some people up against the STADIUM and they LIVE!
Hey, you're pretty good at this. Maybe you should help some other large groups of people!
NO TIME, MY INDIVIDUAL DAUGHTER NEEDS ME!!! Come on Carla, the two of us will be much safer in this large boat all by ourselves. Farewell, random strangers stuck on deadly land!
They take the BOAT only to be faced with a TSUNAMI TIDAL WAVE, remember how PAUL mentioned that earlier? Anyway DWAYNE, previously ambushed by a FALLING SKYSCRAPER and an ENORMOUS CHASM IN THE EARTH, is now ambushed by a TEN-THOUSAND-TON CANADIAN CONTAINER SHIP!!
Oh fuck, when I said I wanted to drown in maple syrup THIS ISN'T WHAT I MEANT!
DWAYNE clenches his JAW, thus avoiding the CONTAINER SHIP! It SMASHES into the GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE killing a ton more people including IOAN GRIFFUDD who, exhausted from constantly hate-fucking small animals, can only watch in humiliating, pants-defecating uselessness as his miserable life is finally squashed out of existence like the filthy wretched smegma-gargling turd-insect that he is.
INT. BUILDING RECENTLY OWNED BY AFOREMENTIONED TURD-INSECT
The TSUNAMI WAVE hits and begins FLOODING everything!
Bleargh, so much water! My clothes are so wet and clingy now! And even though anybody with as much disaster-survival knowledge as me would know not to try swimming in wet jeans, I will keep wearing them!
Hey look outside, it's a rescue team made of a lumbering beast and a small child!
No, it's my parents! I'll use this laser pointer to get their attention, thus marking the only time in history a laser pointer has been used for anything other than pissing people off in movie theatres!
I keep scanning the far horizon, but I haven't found any tiny specks that could be our daughter.
Wait, this green light on the dashboard! It must be Alexandra! Let's turn around and check AAAUGHH MY EYEEEEEES
But there is MORE QUAKE and the building FLOODS EVEN MORE! DWAYNE dives in and finds ALEXANDRA trapped in a room!
Yeah, somehow I got myself stuck in a deathtrap. The British boys ran off to get help, kind of exactly what Ioan did originally but since I want to fuck Hugo it's okay.
Argh, I can't seem to clear this debris while you're still breathing! I know, let's do the thing where we pretend we're gonna kill you off, but then of course don't since COME ON.
DWAYNE charms the debris with ENDEARING, SELF-EFFACING HUMOUR and gets ALEXANDRA to the boat where she successfully completes the ABYSS MANEUVER and survives!
EXT. SAN FRANCISCO - AFTERMATH
DWAYNE, CARLA, ALEXANDRA, ART, and HUGO survey the ruins of the city. The AUDIENCE is shown CHRISTIAN PRAYER and an AMERICAN FLAG fluttering nobly, to reassure them that nothing MEANINGFUL was lost.
MUSEUM OF MODERN ART
So... what now?
Now... we rebuild.
Okay, but... you mean, SOMEWHERE ELSE, right? Like, NOT HERE?!? Please say you mean ANYWHERE GODDAMN ELSE?!?
NO, WE HAVE PRAYERS AND FLAGS SO FUCK SCIENCE, WE REBUILD HERE.
Well, guess I should finally go do my fucking job.