"I swear to God, if Brad's name is on this Ashley Madison list he's a dead man."


"I swear to God, if Brad's name is on this Ashley Madison list he's a dead man."

SALT

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. CIA INTERROGATION ROOM

CIA AGENT ANGELINA JOLIE interviews DANIEL OLBRYCHSKI while CIA AGENT CHIWETEL EJIOFOR and CIA AGENT LIEV SCHREIBER watch behind the obligatory TWO-WAY MIRROR.

DANIEL OLBRYCHSKI

(with thick Russian accent)

Vhat is your name, comrade?

ANGELINA JOLIE

Angelina Jolie.

DANIEL OLBRYCHSKI

(pointing at her)

Spy!

LIEV SCHREIBER

We can't believe him, Chiwetel! He's just some wacky hobo who walked in off the street!

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

And that's EXACTLY why I believe him! Arrest Angelina!

ANGELINA RUNS! But she is CORNERED in an abandoned office!

ANGELINA JOLIE

Let's see, we've got a table, a fire extinguisher, and some unmarked chemicals. I can totally make a bong out of this, but I think I'll make a rocket launcher instead.

She DOES!

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Are you serious? A ROCKET LAUNCHER? How the hell did she do that?!

LIEV SCHREIBER

The Russians must have secret government access to "MacGyver" reruns!

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Then we're FUCKED!

EXT. HIGHWAY

The CIA chases ANGELINA! But she uses WIRE WORK to evade them!

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Damnit! Are you telling me the Russians have access to the "Bourne" DVDs too?!

LIEV SCHREIBER

AND the books!

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Then we're SUPER fucked!

ANGELINA steals a MOTORCYCLE and ESCAPES!

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

It's okay, our helicopters are tracking her.

LIEV SCHREIBER

Helicopters?

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Wait, aren't we the CIA? Don't we have helicopters? Or one of those magic all-seeing satellites from Enemy of the State?

LIEV SCHREIBER

...

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

DAMNIT! Why are we so bad at our jobs?!

INT. CHURCH - FUNERAL

ANGELINA kills the RUSSIAN PRESIDENT!

ANGELINA JOLIE

But not really though. Because that would make me a bad guy, and I don't play bad guys unless I'm 100% CGI with high heeled feet and a tail.

ANGELINA is captured by CHIWETEL and is TAKEN AWAY.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

I don't get it. Angelina could have shot me but she didn't.

LIEV SCHREIBER

She must not have seen your performance in "2012".

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Whoa, that's big talk coming from Not Sabretooth over here. What happened to your press-on mutton chops? Did you sell them along with the rest of your dignity?

ANGELINA ESCAPES!

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Hey! That's cheating! Where the hell are our goddamn helicopters?!

LIEV SCHREIBER

Tom Cruise took them when he bailed on this piece of crap. They're all in "Knight and Day".

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

What's "Knight and Day"?

LIEV SCHREIBER

A clusterfuck, apparently.

INT. EVIL RUSSIAN BOAT CLUBHOUSE

DANIEL and his metrosexual group of EVIL RUSSIANS have ANGELINA's HUSBAND! ANGELINA is wearing a FUR HAT because FUCK YOU that's why.

DANIEL OLBRYCHSKI

I don't trust you, Angelina. So in order to prove your loyalty I am going to shoot your husband.

(pause)

Or maybe I'll drown him.

(pause)

Or maybe I'll tie his limbs to wild horses and tear him apart.

(pause)

Goddamnit Noyce, would you just pick one version of events and stick with it please?

DIRECTOR PHILLIP NOYCE

But then who will want to buy the "Unrated Extended Extremely Awesome Ultra-Tricked Out Director's Cut" on DVD and Blu-Ray?

DANIEL OLBRYCHSKI

No one, that's who. Gaw! I hate DVD double dipping! It makes me want to SHOOT PEOPLE!

DANIEL shoots ANGELINA'S HUSBAND!

DANIEL OLBRYCHSKI

There. Now I feel better.

ANGELINA JOLIE

(to herself)

I guess now would be a good time to open up that Family-Sized can of whoopass I stuffed inside my fur hat.

(pause)

Or just drink vodka with my daddy/husband's killer instead. Whatever.

(pause)

Okay, seriously, which version is this, Noyce? The Theatrical Cut or the Extended Cut?

DIRECTOR PHILLIP NOYCE

Um... Theatrical? Yeah, that one made more sense. And by "more" I mean "not a damn bit of".

ANGELINA SHOOTS THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF THE RUSSIANS!

ANGELINA JOLIE

This would be a good time for me to mourn the loss of my dead husband, whose love and loyalty made me overwrite my Russian childhood programming and decide to save America.

(pause)

So, yeah, shedding some tears or showing any sign of human emotion would fit right here in this spot. Uh-huh. Yes it would.

(pause)

Nothing? Oh. Hmm. Awkward.

INT. WHITE HOUSE

ANGELINA infiltrates the tightest security in the world by dressing up as a bad MICHAEL JACKSON IMPERSONATOR.

LIEV SCHREIBER

Look! It's Angelina! She's wearing some kind of creepy cosplay getup! Shoot her in the lips! She's vulnerable there!

The SECRET SERVICE A.I. fails at killing ANGELINA!

LIEV SCHREIBER

You CAN NOT be serious! You're all getting your asses kicked by someone with the same amount of muscle mass as Dakota Fanning!

INT. SUPER COOL "IMPENETRABLE" UNDERGROUND PRESIDENTIAL BUNKER

LIEV SCHREIBER

Mr. President! The Russians just tried to kill you! We need to nuke their commie asses!

PRESIDENT

But wouldn't it be smarter to maybe, I don't know, try and talk the Russians down first instead of jumping straight to nuclear war? You know, like that Kennedy guy did?

LIEV SCHREIBER

No! The movie will be over by then! Arm the nukes!

PRESIDENT

Well if you insist.

PRESIDENT activates America's NUKES!

LIEV SCHREIBER

(in bad Russian accent)

Ah-ha! Now I KEEL YOU, Mr. Pres-e-dent!

LIEV goes APESHIT and KILLS EVERYBODY! Including ANDRE BRAUGHER!

ANDRE BRAUGHER

Wait, I was in this? But--

(dies)

Then LIEV targets THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD with NUCLEAR WEAPONS!

LIEV SCHREIBER

Now everything WILL be illuminated! Eh? You get it? Eh? Eh?

ANGELINA JOLIE

Liev! YOU were the Russian spy all along? Or is this another Manchurian mindfuck?

LIEV SCHREIBER

(still with bad Russian accent)

It no matter, Comrade Angelina. I must tell you I deeply in love with you. I dream about your toned masculine body pressed up against mine and... hey wait a second.

(flips through script)

Oops! These pages were left over from when you were being played by Tom Cruise. My bad! Anyway, I blow up world now. You FAIL!

ANGELINA unloads a FUCKSTORM of BULLETS at LIEV, but he's protected by BULLETPROOF GLASS!

ANGELINA JOLIE

No! I must stop Liev! But how?

(pause)

Wait! I played a hacker that one time back in the 90s, didn't I? Damnit, what was the name of that movie again? Oh, to hell with it.

ANGELINA uses her MAGIC HACKING POWERS to open the bunker door, stops the NUKES, and buys LIEV a FIRST CLASS TICKET straight to FUCKING HELL via AUTOEROTIQUE ASPHYXIATION!

ANGELINA JOLIE

That's for remaking The Omen. The Movie Police should've revoked your fucking acting license for agreeing to make that dog turd.

INT. HELICOPTER

CHIWETEL talks to a BLOODY ANGELINA who is HANDCUFFED.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Angelina, you've got a little blood on your blood.

ANGELINA JOLIE

(wipes face)

Did I get it?

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

No, but let's just keep going. Do you see I finally got that helicopter I wanted? So now I'm hauling your ass off to spy jail!

ANGELINA JOLIE

But I just saved the world! And Liev was the real spy!

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

That's horseshit, Angelina. Why should I believe you?

ANGELINA JOLIE

C'mooooooon.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

No, Angelina! That's beyond retarded! Only a moron would believe that! No way!

ANGELINA JOLIE

C'mooooooon.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

(pause)

Okay, I believe you. But if I let you go, you must promise never to play a secret agent ever again.

ANGELINA JOLIE

Deal!

CHIWETEL uncuffs ANGELINA.

ANGELINA JOLIE

Sucker!

ANGELINA ESCAPES! AGAIN!

ANGELINA JOLIE

Yes! So I managed to kill all the evil Russians and saved the entire world from nuclear destruction. Am I badass or what?

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

But wait, didn't you also attempt to kill the Russian president, beat up, shoot, and/or taser a bunch of innocent police officers, CIA and Secret Service agents and, oh yeah, totally FAIL to save the President of the United States AND Andre Braugher? And they appointed YOU as a UN Goodwill Ambassador?

ANGELINA JOLIE

Uh-huh.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Then we're ULTRA fucked!

END

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