Movie Rating:

This entry has a rating of 2.5

Safe House

SAFE HOUSE

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. RYAN REYNOLDS' HOUSE

Rookie CIA AGENT RYAN REYNOLDS appears and TAKES OFF HIS SHIRT.

RYAN REYNOLDS

(reading his contract)

"Mandatory removal of shirt within the first 5 minutes of appearing on screen", check.

RYAN meets with his FRENCH GIRLFRIEND.

FRENCH GIRLFRIEND

Wow! I can't believe I'm playing an important character in a big Hollywood movie!

RYAN REYNOLDS

Actually you're only going to be on screen for about 2 minutes.

FRENCH GIRLFRIEND

(disappointed)

Really? Then why am I even here?

RYAN BOINKS her.

RYAN REYNOLDS

(reading his contract)

"Have sex with random nameless hot actress", check.

RYAN calls his boss BRENDAN GLEESON to COMPLAIN.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Brendan, I know I'm a rookie agent who is incredibly ripped and handsome, but I want to become an experienced agent who is also incredibly ripped and handsome.

BRENDAN GLEESON

If only such an opportunity would arise within the next five seconds.

EXT. SOUTH AFRICA

ROGUE AGENT DENZEL WASHINGTON receives a MCGUFFIN FILE and is chased by some SOUTH AFRICAN BAD GUYS.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

You guys can't catch me.

SOUTH AFRICAN BAD GUYS

Why not?!

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Because I'm just too damn smooth.

DENZEL finds a conveniently placed U.S. EMBASSY and turns himself in, smoothly.

SOUTH AFRICAN BAD GUYS

Damn this guy is smooth!

INT. CIA BUILDING

CIA WOMAN VERA FARMIGA is busy telling everybody about how COOL DENZEL is.

VERA FARMIGA

Denzel is the all-time greatest agent in the entire history of agenting. He's a covert dick who's a sex machine to all the chicks. Denzel wrote the book on Bad-Assology, then rewrote it, then rewrote it again for Kindle. And damn is he smooth.

BRENDAN GLEESON

The smoothest.

VERA FARMIGA

Denzel is so smooth his sweat acts as a natural cologne. Denzel is so smooth he is a known cure for constipation. Denzel is so smooth he makes "The Most Interesting Man In The World" look like Pauly Shore.

BRENDAN GLEESON

So let's put one of the most experienced and dangerous men alive in the care of a rookie agent who has only been trained in shirt removal.

INT. SAFE HOUSE

DENZEL is brought in and TORTURED for 10 seconds before SOUTH AFRICAN BAD GUYS break into the safe house.

RYAN REYNOLDS

I guess this house wasn't so safe after all!

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Hey Ryan, I hear your career is on a bit of a shit streak. If you get me out of here I'll let you stand next to me for the next 90 minutes, thus allowing my charisma to make it appear as though you are a decent actor somehow.

RYAN REYNOLDS

COOL!

RYAN and DENZEL escape from the safe house. Then RYAN calls BRENDAN.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Brendan! How did those bad guys find out about the safe house?!

BRENDAN GLEESON

(shifty)

Uh, I dunno. Wasn't me.

RYAN REYNOLDS

I didn't say it was you, I was just asking--

BRENDAN GLEESON

I TOLD YOU IT WASN'T ME! GOD! ENOUGH WITH THE 20 QUESTIONS ALREADY!

(pause)

Seriously, it wasn't me. Now bring Denzel in or I'll blame all of this on you. But go to a soccer stadium first to pick up some spy bullshit.

INT. SOCCER STADIUM

RYAN retrieves the SPY BULLSHIT from a locker when DENZEL ESCAPES! RYAN chases him and ends up shooting an INNOCENT STADIUM GUARD.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Oops. I'm a rookie, remember?

INNOCENT BYSTANDERS are also SHOT. RYAN will never be held accountable for these shootings.

RYAN REYNOLDS

(reading his contract)

"Must play a character who never has to take responsibility for his actions no matter how much of a colossal fuck-up he is", check.

RYAN catches up with DENZEL, who promptly kicks RYAN'S ROOKIE ASS.

RYAN REYNOLDS

I'm 20 years younger than you and I do Pilates like a motherfucker! How the hell did you beat me?

DENZEL WASHINGTON

(being smooth)

RYAN REYNOLDS

Ah. Makes perfect sense.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

(leaves)

RYAN REYNOLDS

Damn that guy is smooth.

EXT. SOUTH AFRICA

VERA FARMIGA

Ryan lost Denzel and refuses to return to headquarters. This leads me to believe that Denzel has turned Ryan and that they are now working together.

BRENDAN GLEESON

Well fuck you, Vera. Ryan's my guy and I say he's just trying to prove himself by bringing Denzel in on his own.

VERA FARMIGA

Please tell me this isn't the movie's lame attempt to draw suspicion away from you by making me look like the mole.

BRENDAN GLEESON

(shifty)

Maybe. Is it working?

AUDIENCE

Hell no.

BRENDAN GLEESON

Damn!

VERA FARMIGA

I'm actually a very good actress. I have Scorsese on speed dial. Why'd I agree to play a bit part in such a paint-by-numbers action thriller?

BRENDAN GLEESON

I don't know, but maybe this bullet will help you remember.

(shoots VERA)

That's right! It was me! I was the mole after all! Surprise!

VERA FARMIGA

Not really. I'm still alive over here.

BRENDAN GLEESON

I'll fix that!

(shoots VERA a shitload of times, killing her)

INT. HOUSING SLUM FROM DISTRICT 9 (BUT WITHOUT THE ALIENS)

DENZEL enters a house and meets with his old friend RUBEN BLADES.

RUBEN BLADES

Hey Denzel. Would you like to meet my adorably innocent family?

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Nah. They'll just be dead in a few minutes. No need to waste a few seconds to get to know them or anything.

RUBEN helps DENZEL access the MCGUFFIN FILE.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

This file exposes corrupt U.S. agencies including the CIA!

RUBEN BLADES

My God! You'd better upload this file to the internet right away!

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Or, I could do the exact opposite of that, thus prolonging this thinly veiled and overly exaggerated version of "Wikileaks".

RUBEN BLADES

Not smooth, Denzel. Very not smooth.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

How dare you question my smoothness! Just for that I predict bullets in your future!

The SOUTH AFRICAN BAD GUYS show up and gun down RUBEN'S ENTIRE FAMILY, as well as shoot RUBEN 47 TIMES.

RUBEN BLADES

(dying)

Go Denzel! Run! Save yourself!

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Wow, I just got your whole family killed and you're still looking out for me?

RUBEN BLADES

(coughing up blood)

What can I say? You're just too damn smooth.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

I know, right?

RUBEN BLADES

(dies)

The SOUTH AFRICAN BAD GUYS chase DENZEL through the slums. DENZEL is making a SMOOTH ESCAPE until RYAN arrives and FUCKS IT UP by rescuing DENZEL and driving him away.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Wait, you're still in this movie?

RYAN REYNOLDS

Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Because you're clearly the Julia Stiles of this "Bourne Ultimatum" ripoff. But at least that movie had enough sense to ditch Julia Stiles after a certain point.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Hey fuck that! I am NOT your Julia Stiles!

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Oh yes you are. I'm Bourne, Vera's Joan Allen, Brendan's David Strathairn, Sam Shepherd is Scott Glenn, and that makes you Julia Stiles.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Fuck you Denzel! Just for that I'm going to crash the shit out of this car!

He DOES. DENZEL and RYAN run into a BUILDING and FIGHT the SOUTH AFRICAN BAD GUYS.

DENZEL kills his portion of the BAD GUYS first and watches RYAN struggle to kill his portion of the BAD GUYS instead of, you know, helping.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

N00b.

RYAN REYNOLDS

(torturing last Bad Guy)

WHO SENT YOU TO KILL ME?!

BAD GUY

CIA!

RYAN REYNOLDS

But why would my own people try to kill me?

BAD GUY

Maybe they heard about "Deadpool" and are trying to stop your atrocious acting from ruining another comic book franchise.

RYAN REYNOLDS FANS

Lies! Ryan is not only a great actor but he is the GREATEST actor! You're all just jealous because he's more handsome than you are!

BAD GUY

Oh, you're so right. I guess that also explains why everybody hates Johnny Depp, George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Ryan Gosling, Gerard Butler and Hugh Jackman as well.

RYAN REYNOLDS FANS

Exactly! Hey wait a minute...

INT. ANOTHER (NOT SO) SAFE HOUSE

DENZEL and RYAN meet CIA housekeeper JOEL KINNAMAN.

RYAN REYNOLDS

I've called Brendan and let him know I have brought Denzel here and handcuffed him to a bathroom.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Ryan, didn't you just find out the CIA hired those South African thugs to kill us both?

RYAN REYNOLDS

Uh, yeah.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

And... Isn't Brendan CIA?

RYAN REYNOLDS

So?

DENZEL WASHINGTON

And... Isn't this a CIA safe house?

RYAN REYNOLDS

Yeah? What's your point?

DENZEL WASHINGTON

(facepalms)

Holy Christ, and I thought Tony Scott was a moron. Joel, would you please reveal yourself to be evil and kick the shirt off of Ryan please?

JOEL KINNAMAN

Don't mind if I do!

RYAN and JOEL fight while DENZEL sits back and has some tea and crumpets and balances his checkbook and trims his fingernails and writes some poetry and updates his Face Book and does pretty much anything that doesn't involve BEING IN THIS MOVIE.

DENZEL WASHINGTON FANS

Hey, I thought we paid to see Denzel kick ass, not to see him stand idly by while Ryan McDumbfuck gets to do all the fighting. And two years ago we paid to see Denzel stop a runaway train that Captain Kirk actually stopped. And now Denzel's just phoning it in. What the hell gives Denzel?

DENZEL WASHINGTON

(being smooth)

DENZEL WASHINGTON FANS

No Denzel, that shit's not going to work with us.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

(being smoother)

DENZEL WASHINGTON FANS

We mean it Denzel. You're not smoothing your way out of this one.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

(being his smoothest)

DENZEL WASHINGTON FANS

Goddamn he's smooth.

RYAN eventually kills JOEL. RYAN is badly hurt.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Denzel, I am seriously wounded, so I am going to uncuff you so that you will save my life.

(uncuffs Denzel)

DENZEL WASHINGTON

(leaves)

RYAN REYNOLDS

Hey! Come back here! Hey!

BRENDAN arrives with more SOUTH AFRICAN BAD GUYS.

BRENDAN GLEESON

Hello Ryan. My name is on the McGuffin file proving I am evil, so I need you to be evil too and help me to get the McGuffin file from Denzel.

RYAN REYNOLDS

(acting)

I am on your side. I am totally not lying.

BRENDAN GLEESON

Even though I tried to have you killed five minutes ago, I will believe you.

(pause)

I must be the dumbest corrupt CIA agent ever for trusting you instead of just shooting you in the face and blaming it on Denzel.

DENZEL returns and KILLS all of the SOUTH AFRICAN BAD GUYS, smoothly. But BRENDAN is wearing a SMOOTH-PROOF VEST and shoots DENZEL!

BRENDAN GLEESON

Yeah! We got him, Ryan!

RYAN REYNOLDS

My acting must really be good if you still think we're allies.

BRENDAN GLEESON

Well I just survived a car bomb so I'm probably not in my right state of mind at the moment.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Then maybe this bullet will help.

(shoots BRENDAN)

BRENDAN GLEESON

Nope. I'm still a moron.

(dies)

DENZEL WASHINGTON

(dying)

Damn! Even though I am a super badass of the highest caliber I somehow forget to make sure Brendan was dead! How unsmooth of me!

DENZEL gives RYAN the MCGUFFIN FILE.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Soooo, I'm guessing you're going to be retiring pretty soon, so why not transfer your smooth leading man status over to me before you go?

DENZEL WASHINGTON

How about no, Ryan?

RYAN REYNOLDS

It was worth a try.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

(dies, smoothly)

INT. THE CIA

RYAN meets with his CIA superior SAM SHEPARD.

SAM SHEPARD

I assume Denzel told you about the McGuffin file of corrupt U.S. agencies, which my name is certainly not on.

RYAN REYNOLDS

(acting)

No. He did not.

SAM SHEPARD

Really? You honestly expect me to believe that?

RYAN REYNOLDS

(acting)

Yes. I do.

SAM SHEPARD

Because if that file is released not only will I know it was you but you will have the entire U.S. government coming after you, not to mention all the corrupt bad guys you'd be exposing who will probably have you killed.

RYAN REYNOLDS

(acting)

I do not have the file. Seriously. Would I lie?

SAM SHEPARD

Well then I guess you can leave now. And please put your shirt back on, Ryan.

RYAN barely gets two steps out of SAM's office before he uploads the MCGUFFIN FILE and exposes all of the GOVERNMENT CORRUPTION.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Mmm, maybe I should have actually waited until I got out of the CIA building before I did that? Now I will surely be declared an enemy of the state and arrested as a traitor for what I have just done...

EXT. PARIS

RYAN REYNOLDS

...or not. Wow. I guess Sam's threats were all bullshit. Hello French Girlfriend whose name the audience didn't bother to remember!

FRENCH GIRLFRIEND

How the hell did you get here so easily? Wouldn't all the people you pissed off be watching me in order to get to you? Don't your actions put my life in serious danger?

RYAN REYNOLDS

(reading his contract)

"Clearly not giving a fuck about my love interest", check. Now thanks to the success of this film I should finally be able to get "Deadpool" made!

FRENCH GIRLFRIEND

I think I see more dismal reviews and disappointing box office in your future.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Pfft. Like that'll ever stop me.

The movie ends with a catchy rap song by JAY-Z and KANYE WEST.

JAY-Z AND KANYE WEST

Originality on the cutting room floor,

Puke stains on the movie theater doors,

Trite lines on the lips of a Ryan,

A shitty film disguised as a treat!

Will the audience make it out aliiiiiiiiive?

Alright, alright,

No more paying to see Denzel's movies for awhiiiiiiiiile!!!

END