FADE IN:

INT. VAN – DAY

JULIA HSU

(in pitches only she and Chris Tucker can reach)

AHHHHH!!! AIEEE! HELP!!! AIEEEEEE!!

She SCREAMS for the next 12 full minutes, and in every other scene where she is present. She also hits JACKIE CHAN in the stomach whenever she can and sings Mariah Carey songs.

AUDIENCE

I hope they kill her.

INT. POLICE PRECINCT – DAY

CAPTAIN

You screwed up again, Tucker. I need you babysit Jackie Chan.

CHRIS TUCKER

WHADDAHELLYOUTALKIN’BOUTFOO’DONTUKNOWI WORKALONE?MOFO’BIZATCH? AINTUEVERTHINK-

REALIZE-I-DONT-GET-NO-PARTNER. Sheeeeeit.

CAPTAIN

Too bad. Pick him up at the airport tomorrow.

CHRIS TUCKER

DAMN, BITCH!

MOVIE SOUNDTRACK

(playing rap music)

Yeah! Uh-uh. Whoo! I’ll overbear the hell outta this scene! Woo!

INT. AIRPORT – DAY

JACKIE CHAN

Hi.

CHRIS TUCKER

BITCH WHAT DA HELL U SAYING HI TO ME FOR, WHO DA HELL U THINK I AM, SOME KINDA GREETER OR SOMETHING!? Get in da damn car.

AUDIENCE

Hmm. Ok, I’ve been sitting through plot for a while now… quite ready for some Jackie Chan action.

EXT. POOL HALL – DAY

CHRIS TUCKER

THISSA POOL HALL!

Suddenly, a FIGHT breaks out! JACKIE CHAN gets ready for it.

CHRIS TUCKER

WHAT DA HELL YOU DOIN? STEALIN THE SPOTLIGHT AWAY FROM ME, I OUGHTA KICK YOUR ASS, FOO!

AUDIENCE

AHH! I NEED A FIGHT DAMN IT!

CHRIS TUCKER

Ahh, fine. Just this once.

JACKIE and RANDOM BAD GUYS begin a FIGHT sequence.

DIRECTOR BRETT RATNER

WHATS GOING ON!? IM SO CONFUSED! HELP!

EDITOR MARK HELFRICH

I DONT UNDERSTAND! HOW DOES THIS FIGHT STUFF WORK!? YIKES!!

CAMERA OPERATORS

WHERE DO I GO? SHOULD I BE OVER HERE? WHY IS EVERYONE YELLING? WHATS HAPPENING!?

MOVIE SOUNDTRACK

CLASH!! CLASH!! CLASH!! CLASH!! CLASH!!

DIRECTOR BRETT RATNER

END THE SCENE!! I’M GONNA WET MYSELF!! END IT! HURRY! AIEEEE!!

INT. TUCKER’S CAR – DAY

DIRECTOR BRETT RATNER

Whew.

JACKIE CHAN

Where are we going?

CHRIS TUCKER

ANYWHERE WHERE I CAN COMPLAIN IN RIDICULOUSLY HIGH PITCHES AND MAKE BAD RACIAL JOKES TO PASS OFF AS HUMOR!

JACKIE CHAN

Am I going to be able to do any actual fight scenes, being that it’s what I do best?

INSURANCE GUYS ON SET

No.

DIRECTOR BRETT RATNER

What’s a fight scene? Hey, isn’t Chris funny? We worked together on Money Talks, you know.

INT. CHINESE ART THING.. SOMETHING LIKE THAT – DAY

JACKIE enters. BAD GUYS, who nobody even has to worry about actually beating CHAN, stand around. SUDDENLY, a FIGHT breaks out again.

DIRECTOR BRETT RATNER

Ok.. I think I figured out how to do these…but.. Chris, would you mind doing half of the fighting so that we don’t make it look like Jackie Chan is actually even in this movie?

CHRIS TUCKER

Sure.

Everyone FIGHTS. JACKIE does impressive stuff, most of which is cut away from so the scene can focus on CHRIS. Eventually, everyone’s ass is kicked, except the bad guy holding a bomb detonation device.

JULIA HSU

HELP!! AIEE! I HAVE A BOMB ON ME!

JACKIE CHAN

I will help you.

ELIZABETH PENA

Let me remove this bomb. By the way, I am a bomb squad chick, and I have a meaningless little part in this movie, but I will pretend to be a major part of it in interviews.

She removes the BOMB from the annoying girl.

JULIA HSU

Thank you, Jackie!

She kicks JACKIE in the CROTCH.

CHRIS TUCKER

YAY! LOOKS LIKE WE OVERCAME THE ODDS!

EXT. END CREDITS – DAY

OUTTAKE SCENE

I will destroy the Jackie Chan tradition of featuring him messing up stunts in the movie, and instead feature just bloopers and line screwups.

DIRECTOR BRETT RATNER

Ok.. let me get my check list… yes, I’ve destroyed everything that’s good in a Jackie Chan movie. My work here is done.

AUDIENCE

What the hell does “Rush Hour” have to do with this movie, anyway?

END