"Stop punching yourself! Stop punching yourself!"


"Stop punching yourself! Stop punching yourself!"

ROMEO MUST DIE

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. VERONA..ER..CLUB

RANDOM ASIAN

I am in a black club.

RANDOM BLACK

This is my club. We don't want Asians.

RANDOM ASIAN

Perhaps we shall resolve our racial war with kung fu.

He begins balancing his chi on various people of other colors, who remember that they do not know kung fu and take out GUNS.

RANDOM ASIAN

Let's talk about this.

The fight is broken up and stopped by the MAIN ASIAN GUY WITH SUNGLASSES

MAIN ASIAN GUY WITH SUNGLASSES

That was stupid, boy. Don't be surprised if one day you wind up hanged from a telephone pole in a very gruesome manner.

The RANDOM ASIAN is hanged from a telephone in a very gruesome manner.

INT. CHINESE PRISON

JET LI finds out his brother was hanged from a telephone pole in a very gruesome manner. He becomes PISSED and takes it out on the guards, who beat the SHIT out of him.

Later, when he is chained up to the ceiling he beats the SHIT out of the guards and escapes past the terribly stupid prison guards.

INT. MANTUA... ER, DAMMIT... AMERICA

AALIYAH

I am a member of the Black Family.

JET LI

I am a member of the Asian Family.

AALIYAH

We are star crossed lovers. Is it true that all Chinese know kung fu?

JET LI

It is in this movie. Your brother might know what happened to my brother.

Her brother dies.

JET LI

Fuck. Time to beat the hell out of your clan.

JET LI hops into the air and beats the crap out of the COMICAL BODYGUARDS that guard AALIYAH. He violates numerous laws of physics and needs obvious special effects to do this, making JET seem less cool.

RAP MUSIC plays in the background, most likely made by a cast member since the entire BLACK GANG is made up of rap artists.

MAIN ASIAN GUY WITH SUNGLASSES

Dude, I'm the one that offed your brother, not them.

JET LI jumps up to bite the MAIN ASIAN in the leg. He then uses the COMPUTER to jump higher and actually beat the snot out of him.

JET LI

Well, looks like I killed your henchman, dad.

ASIAN DAD GUY

O thou untaught! what manners is in this? To press before thy father to a grave?

AALIYAH

Oh, Romeo! I love you!

JET LI

If this were at all close to the play it's based on, shouldn't we be dead?

AALIYAH

We made up for that by killing everyone else.

JET LI and AALIYAH walk off into the sunset while AALIYAH sings a track from her new album.

END

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