ROGUE ONE: A STAR WARS STORY
The Abridged Script
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away...
oh boy oh boy oh boy
The Rebel Alliance has forged a desperate truce with PSYYYYCHH!! NO TITLE CRAWL AT ALL WE JUST OPEN ON EMPTY SPAAACE HAHAHAHA
EXT. I'VE RENOUNCED A LIFE OF VIOLENCE AND JUST WANT TO QUIETLY FARM WITH MY FAMILY PLANET
An IMPERIAL SHUTTLE flies towards MADS MIKKELSEN'S house.
You must hide, my wife and daughter. Remember child, you are my stardust. STARDUST. Don't forget.
MADS goes outside to confront IMPERIAL FUCKWIT BEN MENDELSOHN and his squad of VARIANT STORMTROOPERS.
Hello, Mads. I’ve come to take you back to help build our new superweapon. We’re workshopping scary names but we’re getting nowhere. I like Explosion Planet, or maybe Boom Moon, but so far Deathy McDeathface has more votes.
(pointing a squirt gun at the heavily armed squadron)
No! You won’t take my husband OR his sexy Danish cheekbones! I'd rather die uselessly than leave our daughter with at least one parent!
MENDELSOHN guns down VALENE and takes MADS away.
YOUNG FELICITY JONES
Noooo! My parents! Gone! From this day forward, I will become... BATJONES!
INT. SPACE CITY PLACE - A SLIGHTLY LESS LONG TIME AGO THAN THE FIRST SCENE BUT STILL A BARELY MORE LONG TIME AGO THAN EPISODE IV
Cellmates FELICITY JONES and DR ZOIDBERG'S SECOND COUSIN, BABS ZOIDBERG, are sharing a prison transport when who should burst in BUT--
It's me, Diego Luna, here to rescue Felicity! I'm your co-hero for this adventure, and I've already murdered a dude in an alley. This is our lovably cranky droid, L9-2DK.
I'm a reprogrammed Imperial droid actually. Which raises many questions: is my loyalty mere programming? Am I capable of true heroism or is it only an illusion? Join us as we explore this and many other HA HA HA HA HA GOTCHA ASSHOLES just buy my action figure.
EXT. GUESS WHAT KIND OF PLANET? COME ON, GUESS. BET YOU CAN'T GUESS! DID YOU GUESS DESERT PLANET? WELL SURPRISE SURPRISE IT'S A DESERT PLANET
Defecting Imperial pilot RIZ AHMED meets with a shady contact.
Hi, I'm looking for noted terrorist Forest Whitaker? I assume that simply asking politely is how people find noted terrorists.
Why the fuck should we care, deserter?
Forest will want the information I have. Once I talk to him, we'll be fast friends. Trust me, he's going to like Riz Ahmed best.
AHMED BEST?!? THE ASSHOLE WHO PLAYED JAR JAR BINKS?!? FUCK YOU, THROW THIS GUY IN THE CAGE WITH THE BRAIN-SUCKING ALIEN BEFORE HE SAYS ANY OF THAT MEESA-CRAP
INT. REBEL BASE ON YAAVIN-4
FELICITY JONES is taken to see GENEVIEVE O'REILLY because CAROLINE BLAKISTON isn't famous enough to warrant CGI RECREATION.
Felicity, you must help us. You can gain audience with Forest, who can help us find Mads, who was taken by Ben Mendelsohn. I can't risk running into Ben because we wore the same outfit for this movie and it would be SOOOOO embarrassing.
Diego, I'm giving you secret orders to kill Mads. Remember to act normal around Felicity even though you want her father dead. Just imagine it's a Thanksgiving dinner, you'll do fine.
EXT. DESERT PLANET
FELCITY, DIEGO, and L9-2DK land on the planet JETHRO TULL.
Remember the plan, we wander around until some plot happens.
Sure enough a STORMTROOPER PARADE gets attacked by FOREST WHITAKER'S TERRORISTS! There is LOTS OF SHOOTING! OH NO!
Allow me to help! I may be blind but I can defeat armed soldiers with my kung fu! Given the way Stormtroopers shoot, it's a fair fight.
And I'm the only guy in the entire Galaxy with a repeating blaster! Like, how has NOBODY ELSE thought of this?
They defeat the TROOPERS but get captured by FOREST'S MEN.
INT. FOREST WHITAKER'S HIDEOUT
Yes, Felicity, it is I. Forest Whitaker, brave anti-Imperial combatant who I guess is in the Clone Wars TV show or something.
(grumbles, huffing ether from his Immortan Joe CPAP mask)
I heard tell you had a space email from my father.
Indeed. I will show this to you. And then, hopefully, affect the plot in other ways.
I’ve installed two weaknesses into the Death Star. First, it contains no guardrails of any kind. People will be falling all over the place, swear to god, it’s gonna be a bloodbath. And secondly, it’ll blow up if someone sneezes into the right hole. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, after 40-ish years of joking about how easily the Death Star can explode, finally, at long last, the stupidity of the exhaust port weakness is explicitly canon.
And finally, I miss you, my stardust. If you're watching this, stardust, know that I never forgot my stardust. Stardust stardust. Stardust.
Wow. Too bad he couldn't have sent the plans with the message, but our civilization decided to invent faster-than-light travel before USB sticks or zipped PDFs, so what'cha gonna do.
INT. DEATH STAR
All kinds of political intrigue happens on the DEATH STAR including--
CGI PETER CUSHING
BWAH HA HA I LOOK TOO MUCH LIKE PETER CUSHING YET NOT QUITE HUMAN EITHER, oooOOOOOOoooo, GAZE UPON MEEEE
(leaking eye fluid)
OH SHIT DUDE YOU LOOK WAY TOO REAL, BUT ALSO SOOOO MUCH NOT
(vomits up blood)
DESERT'S FOREST FOREST'S DESERT HIDEOUT
FELICITY and FOREST are trying to figure out how a graphic made by a TRS-80 in 1977 uses more memory than a FULL FRIKKIN HOLOGRAM when suddenly--
Oh shit! The Death Star, which is flying upside-down for some fucking reason, just exploded the Holy City! And the explosion is slooowwwwlllly expanding in our direction! Quick, we have only hours to get away!
Look, if I stick around there'll be exactly seven of us, and the ending has enough of a Magnificent Seven vibe as it is. So I'm just gonna die now for no reason. Besides I don't know how much more of this ridiculous voice the audience can take.
Fair enough! Let's go, oh I also cured Riz of being brainfucked with a ten-second conversation, so he's in the gang now.
EXT. PERPETUAL STORM DARK GLOOM PLANET OF DARKNESS
Our heroes CRASH-LAND on the Imperial planet which luckily activates ZERO ALARMS.
I'm going to go make contact with Mads, using an exploding bullet from this sniper rifle. Um, forget that second part. C'mon, Riz.
DIEGO and RIZ leave while the others SIT AROUND.
Yup, sure was odd he took that sniper rifle. And the giant bullseye target with Mads's face on it. And the "Death to Mads" T-shirt. And-
...exploding BULLET?!? Whaaaat?!? NOOOO I'M COMING TO SAVE YOU DAAAD
The remaining heroes continue to SIT AROUND.
(twenty minutes later)
...huh? Oh fuck, is a scene happening? C'mon Wen! Quit Jianking it and let's get out there!
On a landing platform MENDELSOHN is confronting MADS. FELICITY reaches the platform, but unluckily at the same time that an X-WING BOMBER SQUADRON bombs the shit out of it!
Oops, that was me. I had a crisis of conscience which prevented me from shooting Mads, but wasn't QUITE strong enough to get me to try and call off the bomb strike.
Urk. Ep. Stardust. Ack.
Our heroes steal the nearest SHIP and fly off!
INT. IMPERIAL BASE THING
BEN MENDELSOHN arrives for his audience with...
DAAARTH!! DAAAARRRTH!!! CGI Peter Cushing was mean to me and didn't share his action figures! I should be in charge and...
Be careful not to CHOKE on your aspirations.
(gasping for air)
What the... fuck?...
Tell me, do you like artiCHOKE on your pizza? Wocka, wocka wocka.
We've got... Darth fucking Vader... making cheesy Dad jokes now...? I mean, spoiler... alert...
What, can't you take a CHOKE?...
Anyone? Take a "choke"?... Look, I'll more than make up for this shit at the end of the movie, don't worry.
INT. REBEL BASE
The REBELS debate their plans in the customary circle-jerk style, where their top-ranking commanders argue it out with the noob convict.
Felicity, you claim the Death Star plans that reveal its Achilles heel, are hidden at the Imperial Library. Rather than risk this longshot plan where we might barely win, I instead choose to do nothing so that we absolutely certainly won't win.
FELICITY leaves the conference dejected, but...
Don't worry Felicity, we'll help you get those plans!
Plus, I found a whole bunch of bad hombres willing to risk their lives. Maybe THEY'LL be the "many Bothans" who die, and we'll make it out okay!
No no no, the "many Bothans" are from Return of the Jedi, they got the plans to THAT Death Star. Not this one.
Oh, shit, you're right. Maybe if they didn't keep making movies all about Death Stars, it would be less confusing.
They all pile into their stolen Imperial ship and prepare to TAKE OFF!
Good thing we randomly stole a ship that holds all these extra dudes!
They're asking what our callsign is... um... it's, ROGUE. ROGUE ONE! Oh yeahhh! You betcha!
REBEL HQ LANDING CONTROL
"Rogue One"? You do know what "Rogue" means, right? Sure you don't wanna go with "Criminal One" or "Disobeying Orders One" or "Treasonous Betrayal One" or "Hey Let's Shoot These Deserting Fuckholes Out of the Sky Right Now One"--
IT SOUNDS COOL OKAY, FUCK OFF BYE
EXT. IMPERIAL LIBRARY PLANET
Our heroes fly past the IMPERIAL POST OFFICE PLANET and IMPERIAL DMV PLANET and finally reach the LIBRARY PLANET.
Good thing we randomly stole a ship that has security clearance to land on this planet full of classified information!
They LAND and OVERPOWER the INSPECTION CREW which, luckily for FELICITY, includes the GALAXY'S TEENY TINIEST TIE PILOT.
I look like I should be trick-or-treating in this getup. And do I have Deadpool swords on my back, or what the fuck's going on there?
Oh don't worry, my combination of Imperial officer's outfit with 1970s funktastic porn-stache is way more conspicuous!
They head to the LIBRARY while the other ROGUES create a diversion by taking their GOING ROGUE TOUR all over the Imperial base, aka BLOWING SHIT UP.
Oh shit! Send guards after all the explosions! But nobody look at the one spot on the base without any explosions! Fuck, why did I skip all my classes in tactics?!?
High above, the ROGUE ATTACK has inspired the REBEL FLEET to arrive! Sadly this in turn inspires the IMPERIAL FORCES to close the PLANETARY SHIELD!
Dammit! We need to flip a master switch so we can transmit a message to the Fleet to knock out the shield so that we can transmit the plans to the Fleet!
Did anyone follow that shit? Why do we need two stages of transmitting, that seems overly complicated for a big popcorn blockbuster...
It's the spam filter dammit, it won't allow files over a certain size! We've gotta knock out the spam filter! I mean, planetary shield!
It's a good thing the Fleet can attack the shield generator from outside the shield. If the Empire ever thinks to put a shield AROUND the shield generator itself, we are sooooo screwed...
ROGUE SOLDIERS zap STORMTROOPERS! REBEL SHIPS zap IMPERIAL SHIPS! ZAPPITY ZAP ZAP! MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE, WE'RE PUTTING THE WAR BACK IN STAR WARS, APPARENTLY!
INT. IMPERIAL LIBRARY BUILDING
While L9-2DK stands guard, FELICITY and DIEGO reach the CARD CATALOGUE and start searching.
Since this vast huge enormous library apparently has no search function I'm gonna start reading through all 40 bazillion filenames myself... oh wait, Stardust! My Dad mentioned that one or two thousand times! That's it! Quick, use the carnie claw game to grab it!
But outside, STORMTROOPERS shoot up L9-2DK!
(getting blasted to shit)
Bzzt... I am a Luke.. on the sky... frzzp... See how... I walk...
BEN MENDELSOHN arrives and shoots DIEGO who's OBVIOUSLY done for, but FELICITY manages to AMERICAN GLADIATOR herself to the top of the LIBRARY and the SATELLITE TOWER!
Of course gotta "re-align" it first, by going out on a precarious catwalk above a huge drop and the usual bullshit... at least there's no guards or passwords or any security measures at all.
But there is me! You're at my mercy! Prepare to die! That's all for you, my dear! You're finished! A goner! Totes dead! You'll join the Choir Invisible! This Rebel is no more! Farewell! Auf Wiedersehn! For God's sake is Diego ever gonna shoot me or-
EXT. BACK ON THE GROUND
Meanwhile ROGUES and TROOPERS continue to frag each other!
Donnie! The master switch is over there, through that pitched battle! I'd go after it but I can see exactly where it is, you should go!
I am one with the Force, the Force is with me, I am one with the Force, the Force is with me...
Um yeah, it would be a BIT easier to protect you if you'd hurry it up JUST a damn bit? Maybe you haven't noticed but there are lasers FUCKING EVERYWHERE.
DONNIE flips the master switch and then gets FATALLY SHOT! WEN holds dying DONNIE in his arms.
So this is the end, my... y'know, I'm gonna say lover? At least that's the vibe I'm getting here.
Yeah, me too. Between us and Independence Day 2 it's quite the banner year for implicit gay tragedy.
DONNIE dies and WEN goes out in a blaze of glory!
Finally I can radio up to Jack Ackbar, the Admiral's cousin, and tell him to destroy the shield!
Well duh. We're here to back you up, and the shield is blocking ALL means of escape, what the fuck do you think we've been trying to do?!?
Oh. Shit. Guess I just got two main characters killed for no reason.
(blown up by grenade)
FUUUUCK MAKE THAT THREEEEEEE
EXT. SATELLITE TOWER
The Fleet took out the shield, we can transmit! They can't stop the signal!!
Yup! Sadly WE can't stop the explosion wave of death coming at us, courtesy of the Death Star. I was hoping they'd only want to recycle the "prepping the big laser" footage ONCE, but...
Fuck, we're gonna die too? No sequels for any of us?!
Don't lose hope! This franchise has made more prequels than sequels, we could appear in the "young Han" movie or the Yoda prequel or the "Young Jabba Chronicles" or--
Yeah let's just get vaporized.
EXT. IN ORBIT
Up above, the DARTH VADER FLEET finally shows up and begins wailing ass on the REBEL FLEET.
Good, they've transferred the plans to us! Now we can transfer it to another ship! Has anyone noticed our version of e-mail destroys all copies at the source, AND can't send to more than one person at once? If only Mads had a "Reply All" button, y'know?
A squad of SOLDIERS heads out with the DATA but are confronted by...
Surely you didn't think we'd go a whole movie without even ONE lightsabre fight.
Oh geez dudes, I think we're in serious trouble--
OTHER REBEL SOLDIER
Pffft, Vader? That whiny cardboard cutout from the prequels? Guy’s a Halloween costume. What are we worried about?
But VADER JUST FUCKING, HE JUST, HE FUCKING WRECKS THEIR SHIT MAN, I MEAN HE FUCKS THEM EVERY WHICH WAY, I MEAN HOLY NUTSACK THIS IS LIKE, WHOA, LIKE, FUCKING, SHIT, I mean he basically does to THEM what GEORGE LUCAS did to the FRANCHISE.
And that should take care of my cardio for today! Next ship we board, I'll let the rank and file shoot it out.
(does warm-down stretches)
And they better not try any "diplomatic mission" excuse after flying straight out of a giant space battle where the Rebels outright attacked our ass.
However, despite his awesome Force powers, DARTH fails to stop ONE REBEL SOLDIER from handing the plans to ANOTHER SOLDIER, who then gets them to CARRIE FISHER who fucking RUNS WITH THAT SHIT to become an all-time badass Rebel hero, a Princess and a General, a self-rescuing survivor who never gave in to the Dark Side--and no creepy CGI, snarky abridged script, or whim of Fate is ever gonna touch that.
A GENERATION OF WOMEN