"Do you still have that exorcist's number? I'm positive something is possessing my hair."


"Do you still have that exorcist's number? I'm positive something is possessing my hair."

REQUIEM FOR A DREAM

The Very Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. NEW YORK

A heartbreaking melody of despair begins, consisting of the same few VIOLIN NOTES repeated again and again. It does not stop for THE REST OF THE MOVIE, nor does it ever stop FROM INSIDE OF YOUR HEAD. Ever.

JARED LETO

I hate you, Ma! Give me money for heroin!

(gets heroin)

I love you now. I'm actually a good guy.

ELLEN BURSTYN

I love you too Jared. I don't fit in my favorite dress, so I will lose 90% of my body weight with diet pills instead of... whats-it-called, buying a new dress. I dream of being on television!

JENNIFER CONNELLY

I dream of opening a fashion store with you, Jared!

MARLON WAYANS

I dream of being taken serious after this movie is over! Who's ready for "A Haunted House 2?"

Suddenly DIRECTOR DARREN ARONOFSKY unleashes the SOUL-CORRODING ACID of his HIGH-SPEED MONTAGE POWERS and everyone's lives go to SHIT.

JENNIFER CONNELLY

I'VE BECOME INSANE VIA DRUG WITHDRAWAL AND MUST RESORT TO PROSTITUTION!

MARLON WAYANS

MY FRIENDS ARE GETTING SHOT AND I'VE BEEN ARRESTED AND I'M VOMITING ORANGE APPLESAUCE!

JARED LETO

I'VE BEEN ARRESTED TOO AND INFECTED BY REALLY GROSS NEEDLE WOUNDS!

ELLEN BURSTYN

THERE ARE CUPCAKES FLYING ON MY CEILING AND MY REFRIGERATOR IS A MONSTER! Wait, is that a joke?

That is NOT A JOKE. That is IN THE MOVIE.

DIRECTOR DARREN ARONOFSKY

Drugs are bad, everyone!

DARREN bashes his characters with shovels, rips open their chests, chokes them with their own cut-off genitals, and feeds them to angry swans. ELLEN winds up in a HOSPITAL where she undergoes ELECTROSHOCK THERAPY while AWAKE, because DOCTORS ARE EVIL.

ELLEN BURSTYN

ALL I WANTED WAS TO BE FAMOUS!

(gets showered in nominations, awards and critical praise)

Huh, look at that.

The movie gets super MONTAGE DRUGS DILDO STATIC VOMIT HOSPITAL ELECTROSHOCK INTENSE AMPUTATE SEX WAYANS TRAGEDY WHAT?!?!? while pretentious film students mistake EDITING GIMMICKS for instant quality.

JARED LETO

DRUGS ARE BAD! DID WE MENTION THAT YET?

JENNIFER CONNELLY

YEAH WE DON'T WANT YOU TO MISS THE POINT, HERE ARE MORE CLOSE-UPS OF MY NAKED ASS

MARLON WAYANS

DON'T SELL DRUGS EITHER, THEY DESTROY PEOPLE'S LIVES, YOU SHITWANGS!

WALTER WHITE is overcome with remorse and kills himself. Everyone else wallows in MISERY.

AUTHOR HUBERT SELBY JR

The real message is about the American Dream. It's an unattainable thing, you will never get what you want, you will never be famous. Of course, that this movie was made by a bunch of rich famous people shouldn't deter you from that.

DIRECTOR DARREN ARONOFSKY

And you should also ignore that my next movie takes place in a trippy gold tree space bubble and only makes sense if you're stoned. Like half of Hollywood. Roll credits!

Half of the AUDIENCE sits stunned in their seats while the OTHER HALF rushes to smoke whatever drugs they can find in their house and forget they ever watched this.

END


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