"I've got your photos of Katherine Hepburn naked, now tell me what I want to know!"


"I've got your photos of Katherine Hepburn naked, now tell me what I want to know!"

RED DRAGON

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. ANTHONY HOPKINS' HOME

ANTHONY sits at his desk in a dignified manner. EDWARD NORTON ENTERS.

EDWARD NORTON

I look young and naive, despite the fact that I'm playing a burnt-out veteran of the FBI. Anthony, I can't seem to get a handle on this serial killer I'm tracking. From what I can figure out, he eats body parts from his victims, is well educated, and sometimes randomly picks absolutely godawful movie roles.

ANTHONY HOPKINS

That's very interesting. Let me get you a drink. I'll be in the kitchen. With the knives.

He excuses himself. EDWARD snoops around the room. He happens upon a pile of screenplays.

EDWARD NORTON

Silence of the Lambs... Hannibal... and the screenplay to Manhunter, with a giant red X drawn on it with crayon... Wait a minute!

Suddenly he is stabbed by ANTHONY HOPKINS.

EDWARD NORTON

(gurgling blood)

Gark! Why? Why would you remake Manhunter?

ANTHONY HOPKINS

Because, you fool, I'm not in it! How can we have a movie about Hannibal Lecter without my campy, superhuman characterization? Besides, it doesn't look anything like the rest of the series. The connection from Manhunter to Silence of the Lambs is very weak.

EDWARD NORTON

(gasping)

Almost as bad as replacing Jodie Foster with Julianne Moore.

(collapses)

ANTHONY HOPKINS

I look forward to eating you. Fight Club probably tenderized you pretty well.

EDWARD shoots ANTHONY repeatedly until ANTHONY is in THE JAIL CELL FROM SILENCE OF THE LAMBS.

Meanwhile...

INT. RALPH FIENNES' HOME

RALPH FIENNES runs around, shoving his naked ASS in the camera as often as possible.

RALPH FIENNES

I must kill! I am obsessed with some random painting and I believe I can become the character in it! This can only be done, for some reason, by killing people! Yes!

KILLER FROM SILENCE OF THE LAMBS

That's all you've got? Christ man, at least I wanted to make a naked woman suit.

RALPH FIENNES

Um, well my grandmother abused me, too. So, obviously, I have to murder people by putting mirrors in their eyes.

EXT. A VICTIM'S HOME

EDWARD NORTON investigates the CRIME SCENE. SUSPENSE is attempted using DARKNESS and BLOOD. Eventually, amateurish DIRECTOR BRETT RATNER resorts to loud noises and quick cuts to force the AUDIENCE into feeling uneasy. VIRTUALLY NOTHING is discovered.

INT. PHOTO LAB OR SOMETHING

RALPH FIENNES meets EMILY WATSON, who is blind.

EMILY WATSON

Hello. I am blind and incapable of seeing your scars that cause you to feel pathetically inferior, fueling your hatred of all society.

RALPH FIENNES

(grunt)

EMILY WATSON

All I want in a man is someone who doesn't pity me for being blind.

RALPH FIENNES

I don't feel pity.

EMILY WATSON

Oooh, your anti-social, desperately unlikable portrayal of Francis Dolarhyde has attracted me to you. Let's go out. I give head on the first date.

RALPH FIENNES

No, you don't understand. I feel no pity. I murder men, women, and children, shoving broken pieces of mirror into the eyes of husbands and kids as I rape mothers. I'm going to stare at the face of my next victim while you pleasure me orally. I feel absolutely no pity.

EMILY WATSON

Mmmm, no pity. Just what I want. Fall in love with me and deal briefly with an internal struggle whose purpose is solely to trick the audience later.

RALPH abducts PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN.

PHILLIP SEYMOUS HOFFMAN

(sighing)

Once again, I'm playing someone pathetic and pitiful.

RALPH FIENNES

Well, as I explained, I don't feel pity. Let me superglue you to a chair and light you on fire.

He DOES.

INT. JAIL CELL

EDWARD NORTON talks to ANTHONY HOPKINS. The scene plays almost exactly like the counterpart scene in SILENCE OF THE LAMBS.

EDWARD NORTON

What can you tell me about the tooth fairy?

ANTHONY HOPKINS

Nothing. Actually, I can offer you virtually no information or help, and I'm actually pretty useless in this movie. The most I do is social engineer your address and give it to Ralph Fiennes, which he could do himself if he were smarter.

EDWARD NORTON

What a waste of screen time you are. In the book and original film, you were allowed to be much more interesting.

ANTHONY HOPKINS

Well, since this film is clearly meant to be viewed after Silence and Hannibal, moronic director Brett Ratner didn't feel there was any reason to make me interesting. I'm just here to give the Hannibal Lecter character more screen time. Quantity over quality.

EDWARD NORTON

So, basically, you're like the deleted scenes on a DVD.

INT. RALPH FIENNES' HOME

RALPH has lured EMILY WATSON into his living room and lit it on fire.

RALPH FIENNES

I am dealing with a bland internal struggle, Emily! I will shoot you and then me!

(pause)

No, I can't, even though in my warped mind I am convinced it is good for you! I will only shoot myself off screen!

We hear a gunshot. EMILY escapes, by feeling her way around and remembering where things were. EDWARD NORTON arrives and everything is resolved.

INT. EDWARD NORTON'S HOME

EDWARD NORTON enjoys being home with his FAMILY. Suddenly, RALPH FIENNES arrives and threatens to kill EVERYONE.

EDWARD NORTON

Wait, so you didn't shoot yourself?

RALPH FIENNES

That's right!

EDWARD NORTON

So, I'm supposed to believe that you genuinely did feel an inner conflict about killing your girlfriend, but at the same time you hatched an elaborate plan to have a second body in the room with your teeth in it, then you told your girlfriend your rehearsed lines, shot the dead body so as to get blood on her face, disappear from the room before the camera pulled back, then make your house explode after Emily escaped?

RALPH FIENNES

Uhhhh.. Yes.

EDWARD shoots him REPEATEDLY.

EDWARD NORTON

Jesus fucking Christ, are there anymore Chuck Palahniuk movies being made?

RALPH shoots EDWARD, and it looks like he shoots him in the head, but apparently not. Everyone except the bad guy survives.

INT. JAIL CELL

SCOTT GUBER comes to see ANTHONY HOPKINS.

SCOTT GUBER

Jodie Foster is here to see you. This scene exists only to create a stronger link between this film and Silence of the Lambs, yet it is specifically constructed to contradict it.

ANTHONY HOPKINS

I see. So, given that I like to eat people who ruin good things, such as my favorite symphonies, I guess the next person on my plate should be Brett Ratner.

END


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