The Abridged Script
INT. ANTHONY HOPKINS' HOME
ANTHONY sits at his desk in a dignified manner. EDWARD NORTON ENTERS.
I look young and naive, despite the fact that I'm playing a burnt-out veteran of the FBI. Anthony, I can't seem to get a handle on this serial killer I'm tracking. From what I can figure out, he eats body parts from his victims, is well educated, and sometimes randomly picks absolutely godawful movie roles.
That's very interesting. Let me get you a drink. I'll be in the kitchen. With the knives.
He excuses himself. EDWARD snoops around the room. He happens upon a pile of screenplays.
Silence of the Lambs... Hannibal... and the screenplay to Manhunter, with a giant red X drawn on it with crayon... Wait a minute!
Suddenly he is stabbed by ANTHONY HOPKINS.
Gark! Why? Why would you remake Manhunter?
Because, you fool, I'm not in it! How can we have a movie about Hannibal Lecter without my campy, superhuman characterization? Besides, it doesn't look anything like the rest of the series. The connection from Manhunter to Silence of the Lambs is very weak.
Almost as bad as replacing Jodie Foster with Julianne Moore.
I look forward to eating you. Fight Club probably tenderized you pretty well.
EDWARD shoots ANTHONY repeatedly until ANTHONY is in THE JAIL CELL FROM SILENCE OF THE LAMBS.
INT. RALPH FIENNES' HOME
RALPH FIENNES runs around, shoving his naked ASS in the camera as often as possible.
I must kill! I am obsessed with some random painting and I believe I can become the character in it! This can only be done, for some reason, by killing people! Yes!
KILLER FROM SILENCE OF THE LAMBS
That's all you've got? Christ man, at least I wanted to make a naked woman suit.
Um, well my grandmother abused me, too. So, obviously, I have to murder people by putting mirrors in their eyes.
EXT. A VICTIM'S HOME
EDWARD NORTON investigates the CRIME SCENE. SUSPENSE is attempted using DARKNESS and BLOOD. Eventually, amateurish DIRECTOR BRETT RATNER resorts to loud noises and quick cuts to force the AUDIENCE into feeling uneasy. VIRTUALLY NOTHING is discovered.
INT. PHOTO LAB OR SOMETHING
RALPH FIENNES meets EMILY WATSON, who is blind.
Hello. I am blind and incapable of seeing your scars that cause you to feel pathetically inferior, fueling your hatred of all society.
All I want in a man is someone who doesn't pity me for being blind.
I don't feel pity.
Oooh, your anti-social, desperately unlikable portrayal of Francis Dolarhyde has attracted me to you. Let's go out. I give head on the first date.
No, you don't understand. I feel no pity. I murder men, women, and children, shoving broken pieces of mirror into the eyes of husbands and kids as I rape mothers. I'm going to stare at the face of my next victim while you pleasure me orally. I feel absolutely no pity.
Mmmm, no pity. Just what I want. Fall in love with me and deal briefly with an internal struggle whose purpose is solely to trick the audience later.
RALPH abducts PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN.
PHILLIP SEYMOUS HOFFMAN
Once again, I'm playing someone pathetic and pitiful.
Well, as I explained, I don't feel pity. Let me superglue you to a chair and light you on fire.
INT. JAIL CELL
EDWARD NORTON talks to ANTHONY HOPKINS. The scene plays almost exactly like the counterpart scene in SILENCE OF THE LAMBS.
What can you tell me about the tooth fairy?
Nothing. Actually, I can offer you virtually no information or help, and I'm actually pretty useless in this movie. The most I do is social engineer your address and give it to Ralph Fiennes, which he could do himself if he were smarter.
What a waste of screen time you are. In the book and original film, you were allowed to be much more interesting.
Well, since this film is clearly meant to be viewed after Silence and Hannibal, moronic director Brett Ratner didn't feel there was any reason to make me interesting. I'm just here to give the Hannibal Lecter character more screen time. Quantity over quality.
So, basically, you're like the deleted scenes on a DVD.
INT. RALPH FIENNES' HOME
RALPH has lured EMILY WATSON into his living room and lit it on fire.
I am dealing with a bland internal struggle, Emily! I will shoot you and then me!
No, I can't, even though in my warped mind I am convinced it is good for you! I will only shoot myself off screen!
We hear a gunshot. EMILY escapes, by feeling her way around and remembering where things were. EDWARD NORTON arrives and everything is resolved.
INT. EDWARD NORTON'S HOME
EDWARD NORTON enjoys being home with his FAMILY. Suddenly, RALPH FIENNES arrives and threatens to kill EVERYONE.
Wait, so you didn't shoot yourself?
So, I'm supposed to believe that you genuinely did feel an inner conflict about killing your girlfriend, but at the same time you hatched an elaborate plan to have a second body in the room with your teeth in it, then you told your girlfriend your rehearsed lines, shot the dead body so as to get blood on her face, disappear from the room before the camera pulled back, then make your house explode after Emily escaped?
EDWARD shoots him REPEATEDLY.
Jesus fucking Christ, are there anymore Chuck Palahniuk movies being made?
RALPH shoots EDWARD, and it looks like he shoots him in the head, but apparently not. Everyone except the bad guy survives.
INT. JAIL CELL
SCOTT GUBER comes to see ANTHONY HOPKINS.
Jodie Foster is here to see you. This scene exists only to create a stronger link between this film and Silence of the Lambs, yet it is specifically constructed to contradict it.
I see. So, given that I like to eat people who ruin good things, such as my favorite symphonies, I guess the next person on my plate should be Brett Ratner.