Installing a barbecue grill right next to the engines proved to be a major design flaw.


Installing a barbecue grill right next to the engines proved to be a major design flaw.

RED TAILS

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. A LONG TIME AGO, IN A MOVIE STUDIO FAR FAR AWAY

GEORGE LUCAS meets with EVERY EXECUTIVE in HOLLYWOOD.

GEORGE LUCAS

I want to make a new movie about a rag-tag team of freedom fighters who must battle an evil empire.

HOLLYWOOD EXECUTIVES

Great! A Star Wars reboot! We'll cast Channing Tatum as Han and Ryan Reynolds as Luke and Kristen Stewart as Leia and--

GEORGE LUCAS

Uh, no. This is going to be a war film about the Tuskegee Airmen.

HOLLYWOOD EXECUTIVES

The who?

GEORGE LUCAS

They were the first black World World II fighter pilots.

HOLLYWOOD EXECUTIVES

Never heard of them.

GEORGE LUCAS

Well unlike the HBO movie, this one's going to have lots and lots of cartoony CGI and, by my own admission, I will creatively ruin any chance of it becoming a good film by drowning it in tons and tons of melted cheese and corny dialog.

HOLLYWOOD EXECUTIVES

We're not paying for your shitty airplane movie, George. Will Smith's not even in it.

GEORGE LUCAS

But it's going to have a cast full of "new" Will Smiths!

HOLLYWOOD EXECUTIVES

Bullshit! There's only one Will Smith!

GEORGE LUCAS

And whose fault is that? Why are you trying to stop me from helping black filmmakers?!

HOLLYWOOD EXECUTIVES

Because this is clearly more about your ginormous ego. Otherwise you would have hired a decent director that you couldn't control and a writer who's only notable screen credit wasn't "Undercover Brother".

GEORGE LUCAS

Fine. I'll just fund the whole damn thing myself and tell everyone about how you wouldn't make my movie because it features an all-black cast and not because the movie is actually a 120 minute long Velveeta stain.

HOLLYWOOD EXECUTIVES

We stopped listening after "fund the whole damn thing myself".

EXT. SKIES ABOVE ITALY - 1944

After some particularly HORRIBLE OPENING CREDITS, we are introduced to a squad of BLACK PILOTS who are flying CGI fighter planes.

NATE PARKER

Wait, we're not going to show any training or any of the bullshit the real Tuskegee Airmen had to crawl through in order to even touch a plane?

(pause)

No? Okay. I'm "Easy", with the special trait of being a drunk! Which will have absolutely no impact on my flying skills!

DAVID OYELOWO

I'm "Lightning", with the special trait of being a cocky womanizer!

TRISTAN WILDS

I'm "Ray Gun", with the special trait of having been on "The Wire"! I also have a cheap knockoff of Han Solo's blaster for some reason!

ELIJAH KELLEY

And I'm "Joker", with the special trait of being a highly offensive stereotype!

NATE PARKER

Alright! Now let's go kill some fucking Germans! Oorah!

They fly THE FUCK out of their CGI planes and DAVID blows up a NAZI TRAIN in a HUGE FIERY EXPLOSION because the train's STEAM ENGINE is made out of DYNAMITE.

NATE PARKER

David! You are a cocky bastard who takes too many risks!

DAVID OYELOWO

Whatever, drunky. Now excuse me while I go do something far more life threatening than battling the German Luftwaffe!

DAVID sneaks off to play HIDE THE SAUSAGE with a PRETTY ITALIAN WOMAN.

DAVID OYELOWO

I really appreciate you sleeping with me even though you don't speak a word of English and we've never had an actual conversation yet.

PRETTY ITALIAN WOMAN

Pizza spaghetti gelato.

DAVID OYELOWO

Will you marry me?

PRETTY ITALIAN WOMAN

Spicy meat-a-ball.

DAVID OYELOWO

Is that a yes?

PRETTY ITALIAN WOMAN

DiGiorno. It's not delivery, it's DiGiorno.

DAVID OYELOWO

You will? Yes! I'm so happy! Now I truly have something to live for!

AUDIENCE

He's dead.

EXT. BLACK AIRBASE

The BLACK PILOTS meet with their commander, CUBA GOODING JR.

NATE PARKER

Cuba? When the hell did they let you back into theatrical films?

CUBA GOODING JR

Samuel L. Jackson, Don Cheadle and Idris Elba were too busy making comic book movies, so I won the role for lack of better options.

DAVID OYELOWO

What about Laurence Fishburne?

CUBA GOODING JR

He had the dignity to not make the same movie twice, unlike me, who is incapable of turning down a paycheck.

NATE PARKER

They really need to stop showing you the money.

CUBA GOODING JR

I know, right?

Meanwhile...

INT. THE PENTAGON

TERENCE HOWARD meets with his military superior BRYAN CRANSTON.

TERENCE HOWARD

Bryan, you need to give my pilots real missions.

BRYAN CRANSTON

I hate black pepper.

TERENCE HOWARD

They're just as good as any other pilots.

BRYAN CRANSTON

I hate the black keys on a piano.

TERENCE HOWARD

They have a right to fight for their country.

BRYAN CRANSTON

I refuse to let my children color with black crayons.

TERENCE HOWARD

Please, sir. Let my pilots fly.

BRYAN CRANSTON

I hate Jack Black, Lucas Black, The Black Eyed Peas, "Meet Joe Black", "Black Hawk Down", "Men In Black", "Black Swan", "The Black Dahlia", "Black Sheep", "Black Snake Moan", "Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl", both versions of "Black Christmas", and Claudia Black, who was in "Pitch Black".

TERENCE HOWARD

If you don't give my pilots a combat mission I'm telling everybody you cook blue meth.

BRYAN CRANSTON

Alright alright. Fuckn' narc.

EXT. NAZI OCCUPIED AIRSPACE

The BLACK PILOTS dogfight with NAZI PILOTS. The NAZI PILOTS get SHOT TO SHIT despite having way more COMBAT EXPERIENCE.

Then DAVID is attacked by the German's best pilot, the EVIL DARTH NAZI.

DAVID OYELOWO

Damn! I can tell this guy means business!

NATE PARKER

You mean because he's shooting the living fuck out of your plane?

DAVID OYELOWO

No, I mean because his face is constantly scrunched up like he's about to take a major dump!

EVIL DARTH NAZI

(stomach growling)

You're right! That spicy bean burrito I ate earlier is not sitting well!

NATE flies behind the EVIL DARTH NAZI and damages his plane.

DAVID OYELOWO

He's going back to his base! Let's follow him!

NATE PARKER

No way is this guy stupid enough to lead us all the way back to his base.

But HE IS and the BLACK PILOTS explode THE FUCK out of the NAZI BASE. The BLACK PILOTS smile and laugh as they do this because KILLING is FUN.

INT. THE PENTAGON

BRYAN CRANSTON

Terrence, I don't care how many German planes your hip hop group shot down, I will never forget why I hate you.

TERENCE HOWARD

Because I'm black, right?

BRYAN CRANSTON

If being black is responsible for your atrocious overacting and smug assholishness that got you kicked off of "Iron Man 2", then yes, that's why I hate you.

TERENCE HOWARD

Oh. Totally understandable then.

GERALD MCRANEY

Terrence, my bombers are being royally assfucked by the Germans because their fighter escorts keep abandoning them.

TERENCE HOWARD

Can't you just, like, order the pilots to protect the bombers?

GERALD MCRANEY

No. Apparently white fighter pilots were trained to be complete douchenuggets. Can your inferior black pilots protect my bombers?

TERENCE HOWARD

Yes, but only if you give us shiny new CGI planes.

GERALD MCRANEY

But they seem to be doing pretty well with the CGI planes they already have--

TERENCE HOWARD

WE WANT NEW CGI PLANES!

The BLACK PILOTS receive new CGI PLANES and paint the tails RED in the hopes that it will somehow distract everyone from all of the LIMBURGER covering the screen. It DOESN'T.

INT. BLACK AIRBASE

NATE PARKER

Tristan, even though you were injured and are legally blind I am letting you go on this next mission.

TRISTAN WILDS

That's a pretty stupid decision. You must be drinking again.

NATE PARKER

I'm speaking dialog approved by George Lucas. Can you blame me?

EXT. NAZI OCCUPIED AIRSPACE

The BLACK PILOTS protect the WHITE BOMBERS in their shiny new CARTOON PLANES and continue to shoot down NAZI PILOTS.

DAVID OYELOWO

Wow, I can't believe no one in our squad has been shot down yet!

TRISTAN WILDS

Well allow me to change that!

TRISTAN can't see where he's going and flies into some BULLETS.

TRISTAN WILDS

I'm hit! I certainly didn't see this coming!

(bails out, becomes a POW)

MARCUS T. PAULK

Hey everybody! I'm "Deacon", another black pilot with the special trait of believing in "Black Jesus". Have you ever noticed every film about black people must name-drop Jesus at least fourteen times? BlackJesusBlackJesusBlackJesus!

GERMAN ANTI-AIRCRAFT GUNS

He's mine!

MARCUS is SHOT THE FUCK UP and CRASH LANDS in a FIERY EXPLOSION. NATE pulls him out of the wreckage.

NATE PARKER

He's going to live.

DAVID OYELOWO

How? He was covered in airplane fuel before he crashed. Why didn't he burst into flames? And how did he even survive such a horrible crash?

NATE PARKER

Maybe Black Jesus saved him?

DAVID OYELOWO

Marcus has burns over 60% of his body and looks like he could be the monster in "Tyler Perry's A Nightmare On MLK Boulevard". If there is a Black Jesus he must have really hated this guy.

NE-YO

Hey 'erabody! I's "Smokey", anotha black pilot wits da special trait ta talks like an embarrassin' caricature and be's a walkin' minstrel show! I's a gonna takes Marcus's place!

BLACK JESUS

Damn! I burned the wrong pilot!

Later...

EXT. ITALY

The BLACK PILOTS walk around Italy and soon encounter WHITE BOMBER PILOTS.

NOT ETHAN HAWKE

You're the Red Tails. You saved our asses and we just wanted to say thanks and we're real sorry about that whole racism thing. Would you coloreds like a drink?

NE-YO

Weesa don' likes da word "colored". Weesa prefers the word "negro".

NOT ETHAN HAWKE

Really? Somehow that sounds way more racist than "colored".

NATE PARKER

This is the 1940s, pretty much everything sounded more racist back then.

DAVID OYELOWO

Sean Hannity would love it here.

INT. BLACK AIRBASE

NATE PARKER

Cuba, I feel responsible for Marcus dying and Tristan being shot down so I don't want to be squad leader anymore because of my constant drinking and bad decision making.

CUBA GOODING JR

Hey, if anybody knows a thing or two about bad decision making it's me, so I'm going to let you continue to be squad leader anyway.

NATE PARKER

But... that's a shockingly bad decision!

CUBA GOODING JR

At least I'm consistent.

EXT. SKIES ABOVE BERLIN

The BLACK PILOTS escort WHITE BOMBERS to Berlin when NAZI JETS appear and shoot THE HOLY FUCKBALLS out of EVERYTHING. One of the jets is piloted by the EVIL DARTH NAZI.

EVIL DARTH NAZI

DIE AFRICAN SCUM!

NATE PARKER

Because of the tremendous guilt I feel over Marcus's death and Tristan being shot down, I will now sacrifice myself in their names and die a true hero.

DAVID OYELOWO

Not so fast, Nate. The script says I must die instead.

NATE PARKER

Why? You're sober and an excellent pilot, two things I clearly am not.

DAVID OYELOWO

True, but I inserted my penis into a pretty Italian woman and talked her into marrying me.

NATE PARKER

Oh, right. That's a death sentence. It's a wonder you even lasted this long. Go ahead and die now.

DAVID OYELOWO

Okey dokey!

DAVID shoots down the EVIL DARTH NAZI! But not before the EVIL DARTH NAZI's bullets have turned DAVID's body into SWISS CHEESE.

DAVID OYELOWO

(dying)

Nate, I'm all shot up. Tell my fiance I love her.

NATE PARKER

How are you even still talking to me right now? Did you see the size of the guns on that jet? You should be little more than lasagna with teeth.

DAVID OYELOWO

Hmm... lasagna...

(dies)

EXT. BLACK AIRBASE

A funeral is held for DAVID when TRISTAN suddenly arrives.

TRISTAN WILDS

Hey guys! I was in a POW camp all these months, but I escaped!

NATE PARKER

You look pretty damn healthy for a guy who was in a POW camp. How the hell did you even make it through Nazi Occupied territory with that natural tan of yours?

TRISTAN WILDS

Uh... Black Jesus? He watches "The Wire", you know.

NATE PARKER

I think even White Jesus watches "The Wire".

GEORGE LUCAS

Okay, so assuming this film doesn't turn a profit, I wonder what kind of dick move I can pull in order to make all of my money back...

(releases "The Phantom Menace" in 3D)

ANGRY FANBOYS

GODDAMN YOU LUCAS!

END

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