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Red Dawn

RED DAWN

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. OPENING CREDITS

A montage of NEWS FOOTAGE tells us how dastardly evil CHINA NORTH KOREA is. Those SONS OF BITCHES.

EXT. PATRIOTIC HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL GAME OF PATRIOTISM

A small town of PATRIOTIC middle class white Americans watch the game while drinking BREWSKIS, eating APPLE PIE, and waving THE AMERICAN FLAG. Then they drive off in FORD PICKUP TRUCKS, which is the most PATRIOTIC of TRUCKS.

INT. PATRIOTIC BAR

CHRIS HEMSWORTH talks to some RED BLOODED AMERICANS, who are PATRIOTIC, but not as much as CHRIS is.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

That's right, brah. I just got back from my eighteenth tour in Iraq because I am a hardass marine.

RED-BLOODED AMERICAN

Oh? Did you serve with John Cena?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Dude taught me everything I know.

CHRIS sees ADRIANNE PALICKI across the bar and they have EYE SEX.

ADRIANNE PALICKI

I see you've stopped thinking about Iraq and started thinking about MY rack.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

I plan to invade you for your natural resources, which appear to be boobies.

ADRIANNE PALICKI

There's nothing natural about these babies.

JOSH HUTCHERSON and CONNOR CRUISE are also at the bar being DORKS while CHRIS's brother JOSH PECK fails to relieve his girlfriend ISABEL LUCAS of her UNDERWEAR.

EXT. PATRIOTVILLE

The ELECTRICITY goes out and the next morning the town is invaded by EVIL NORTH KOREANS, "EVIL" being kind of REDUNDANT, because ALL Koreans are inherently EVIL.

Lead North Korean WILL YUN LEE and his soldiers round up all the BLONDE WHITE WOMEN to mate with them LATER.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

You've gone too far, brah! Invading our town is one thing, but not our blonde women!

CHRIS, CONNOR, HUTCHERSON, and PECK drive off in a FORD PICKUP TRUCK. FORD, BUILT FORD TOUGH. CALL YOUR LOCAL DEALER FOR LEASING OPTIONS.

CHRIS'S TRUCK isn't followed because the NORTH KOREANS enjoy crashing into OTHER CARS too much.

EXT. PATRIOTIC COTTAGE IN THE PATRIOTIC WOODS OF PATRIOTISM

CHRIS and his GANG are quickly found out by THE NORTH KOREANS and hide out in the woods. WILL YUN LEE holds CHRIS and PECK'S father BRETT CULLEN at gunpoint.

BRETT CULLEN

Will knows you guys are out here and he wants me to convince you to turn yourselves in. But instead I want you to kill this piece of shit, eat him, poop him into a box, and then FedEx that box back to North Korea with the words "Will Yun Lee is literally a piece of shit" written on the box.

(pause)

Also Will's mama so ugly her pillow cries at night. And Will's mama so ugly when she looks in the mirror the reflection ducks. And Will's mama so ugly--

(is shot in THE FACE)

WILL YUN LEE

What? He was asking for it! He's the dick, not me!

EXT. PATRIOTIC WOODS

CHRIS'S GANG is joined by some NO NAMES, which includes ADRIANNE.

ADRIANNE PALICKI

So what do we do now?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

As I clumsily mentioned earlier I am a hardass marine, so it's up to me to train you all into being a tight knit unit of incompetent dumbasses. That means it's time for a montage!

CUE: The LAZIEST FUCKING MONTAGE you've EVER SEEN. It's basically the gang JUMPING AROUND and ROLLING in THE DIRT for 5 seconds.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

You guys are now officially hardass junior marines. Now let's go kill those North Korean sumbitches!

INT. OCCUPIEDVILLE (FORMERLY "PATRIOTVILLE")

CHRIS and HIS GANG kill a shitload of NORTH KOREANS, steal their weapons, and return to SHERWOOD FOREST with no problem AT ALL because being an INSURGENT is REALLY EASY.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

When I was overseas being a hardass marine we were the occupying force, and thus, the good guys. But now that the shoe is on the other foot lets utilize the same guerilla tactics used to kill American soldiers to kill those fucking North Koreans in the name of patriotism!

CHRIS'S GANG

Oorah!

CHRIS and HIS GANG use TERROR TACTICS on the NORTH KOREANS, except now they are called "FREEDOM TACTICS"

HUTCHERSON and CONNOR find time to rob a well stocked SUBWAY of all its SANDWICHES because SUBWAY isn't going to let a little thing like A FUCKING INVASION stop it from selling you SANDWICHES. SUBWAY, EAT FRESH (while you collaborate with the enemy)!

CHRIS and his BAND OF TERRORISTS plot to kill WILL YUN LEE, but PECK ruins the plan and gets one of his fellow TERRORISTS killed in order to save ISABEL, who was imprisoned. It seems PECK'S BONER was more important to him than PATRIOTISM.

EXT. PATRIOTIC WOODS

ISABEL LUCAS

The Evil North Koreans have brought in Evil Russians to help hunt down and kill you guys.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Russians?! So Mitt Romney was right after all! They ARE our number one geopolitical foe! Thanks a lot Lame-Stream Media!

JOSH PECK

Did the North Koreans happen to mention why they invaded a country that's a lot bigger and nuke-havinger than their own? I mean seriously, why hasn't a U.S. submarine nuked the fuck out of North Korea at this point?

WRITERS CARL ELLSWORTH AND JEREMY PASSMORE

Maybe you should just shut your goddamn whore mouth and stop asking reasonable questions like some kind of commie Marxist pinhead.

JOSH PECK

But I was just--

WRITERS CARL ELLSWORTH AND JEREMY PASSMORE

Why do you hate patriotism, Josh? We wrote a truly patriot movie and all you want to do is tear it apart!

JOSH PECK

No offense guys, but Mars Attacks had more genuine patriotism. Hell, even Battle Los Angeles did while somehow being far less shitty.

WRITERS CARL ELLSWORTH AND JEREMY PASSMORE

You know what? Fuck you, Josh. Now we're going to make sure you don't do or say anything interesting throughout the whole movie!

THIS HAPPENS.

INT. KOREAN HEADQUARTERS OF EVIL

WILL YUN LEE gets CHEWED OUT by a SUPERIOR OFFICER.

WILL YUN LEE

I have a plan to stop the insurgents. It involves genetically turning me into a British guy and building a huge space mirror.

KOREAN SUPERIOR

And I suppose you'll want to throw in an ice palace as well?

WILL YUN LEE

Actually...

KOREAN SUPERIOR

Look, just kill the insurgents or I will lop your dick off, which just so happens to be standard North Korean military policy.

EXT. PATRIOTIC WOODS

CHRIS and ADRIANNE are about to MAKE OUT when the NORTH KOREANS attack and run them out of their hideout. Two of CHRIS'S GANG are KILLED, but they were NOBODIES so WHO CARES?

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

Hello Chris, I am a fellow marine who seeks the help of your terrorist group. It seems the North Koreans have killed every single U.S. soldier on the entire planet except for me and the two other marines I brought with me, one of which is Asian.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

See everybody? This movie isn't totally racist, we have exactly one non-evil Asian guy in it.

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

Right you are, Chris. And his name is "Smith", which, as you know, is a common Asian name. Now the Koreans want this movie over with as soon as possible so they plan to detonate an EMP that will wipe out America's power grid. This EMP just happens to fit inside a small briefcase.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Wait, so if the Koreans activate this EMP won't it wipe out their own power grid too?

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

(changing the subject)

Lets take some time to plan out this crucial mission to the very last detail.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Or we could just go in half cocked and shoot everybody in the face instead.

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

Okay.

INT. KOREAN HEADQUARTERS OF EVIL

CHRIS and his BAND OF TERRORISTS attack. The CAMERAMAN starts to choke on a PRETZEL and CONVULSES WILDLY. The DIRECTOR doesn't yell CUT so the scene KEEPS GOING for another 10 MINUTES until the CAMERAMAN dies of ASPHYXIATION, I GUESS.

CHRIS and WILL YUN LEE approach each other.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

You killed my pops, brah! Not cool, brah! NOT! COOL!

WILL YUN LEE

You don't want to mess with me, Chris. I am a master in all the major martial arts like Karate, Kung Fu, Ju Jitsu, Taekwondo, and that thing they did in The Raid: Redemption.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Oh you wanna go?!

WILL YUN LEE

Yeah I wanna go!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Let's go then! Come at me, brah! Come at me!

WILL YUN LEE

Your chest must hurt from all the thumping. Well you asked for this, Chris! A big bowl of Whoopass Soup with extra Whoop coming right up--

(trips)

(is shot in THE FOREHEAD)

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

That was Mjolnir in bullet form, bitches!

CHRIS and his fellow TERRORISTS retreat to their NEW HIDEOUT where CHRIS talks to his brother JOSH PECK.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Josh, a lot of Evil Korean kids are going to grow up without fathers thanks to you. I just wanted to tell you how proud I am to--

(is shot in THE FACE)

The NORTH KOREANS raid the joint. With the death of CHRIS, JOSH PECK is promoted to TOP BILLING and flees with his TERROR GROUP.

EXT. PATRIOTIC WOODS

ADRIANNE PALICKI

They killed Chris! How the hell did they even find us?!

JOSH HUTCHERSON

(points finger at CONNOR)

He did it! They shot him with a tracking device bullet!

CONNOR CRUISE

The hell? I'm your best friend and you sell me out the first chance you get? That's lame. And since when did you become a fucking expert on tracking device bullets?

JOSH HUTCHERSON

Hey, when you become a tribute you pick up a few things.

CONNOR CRUISE

Well you guys can just dig the tracking device out of me, right?

SILENCE.

CONNOR CRUISE

Oh come on! You're just going to leave me out here?! But I'm the T-Dog to your Rick! You NEED ME! You can't just...

JOSH PECK AND HIS GANG

(speeding away)

EXT. PATRIOTIC LANDING PAD

JEFFERY is about to take off in his HELICOPTER of FREEDOM.

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

Josh, I'm ready to fly you and your terror group back to Free America.

JOSH PECK

What do we look like? A bunch of socialist commie liberal cowards? We're going to stay and fight! And by fight I mean I'm going to lead my gang to their deaths because I am the worst fucking guy on the planet to be leading them! Oorah!

JOSH'S GANG

Oorah! Oorah! Oorah!

AMERICA goes on to win the war by bludgeoning THE NORTH KOREANS with THE CONSTITUTION wrapped up in the AMERICAN FLAG.

END