THE RECRUIT

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. CAREER EXPO - MIT

COLIN FARRELL enters and shows off some elite hacker skillz.

COLIN FARRELL

I am extremely intelligent, but not in a nerdy way, in that hyper-cool smart-but-I-can-kick-your-ass underachiever kinda way.

AL PACINO

You're perfect material for the CIA. As it turns out, the CIA is not a group of conservative professional types, it's a ragtag group of edgy misfits.

COLIN FARRELL

I think I'll pass, I've been in like fifty movies this month, let someone else be your recruit.

AL PACINO

If you join, I can forever tease you by never telling you about your dead CIA agent father.

COLIN FARRELL

Oh, well, if there's absolutely nothing in it for me, count me in.

INT. CIA TRAINING FACILITY

COLIN FARRELL excels in everything he does, which doesn't so much make him look good as it makes everyone else look incompetent.

AL PACINO

Welcome to the CIA. We will train you in bizarre, clever ways that will make you all say "Wow, CIA training is so totally cool."

COLIN FARRELL

What will be our first exercise

AL PACINO

You must go into a bar and find an easy girl who will sleep with you. If you need help, try "Hi! I'm Big Brother, and I've been watching you!" - that's a good one.

AUDIENCE

Wow, CIA training is so totally cool.

COLIN FARRELL attempts to pick up a chick, but stops when he sees fellow CIA trainee BRIDGET MOYNAHAN is drunk.

BRIDGET MOYNAHAN

Truly, you have a heart of gold, Colin Farrell.

COLIN FARRELL

Pacino! I got a girl who's about to pass out, does that count?

AL PACINO

Actually no. See, her mission was to stop you from having sex.

COLIN FARRELL

Damn! Just like in real life!

AL PACINO

Everything is a test, Colin. Nothing is what it seems in the CIA. Especially the muffins - they're all fat free.

Suddenly, COLIN FARRELL is abducted and tortured.

COLIN'S CAPTORS

Tell us who you work for or we will continue beating you.

COLIN FARRELL

I know this is a test, as it has been beaten into my head that everything is a test.

COLIN'S CAPTORS

Here are Bridget Moynahan's urine-soaked pants. We have killed her.

COLIN FARRELL

Despite having no more reason to believe you than the audience, I will suddenly buckle under the pressure, despite the fact that even if I believed you, I'd have no reason to tell you anything since you already killed my love interest.

He BUCKLES.

AL PACINO

Sorry Colin, you just aren't going to be allowed to finish training here.

COLIN FARRELL

Fine. Can I keep Bridget's pants?

AL PACINO

I've got an even better deal than that. How about you work exclusively for me against Bridget after I insist that she is a mole.

COLIN FARRELL

I will take your offer, operating on the assumption that everything is as it seems.

The AUDIENCE members slap themselves on the forehead.

AL PACINO

Welcome to the CIA, Colin. Within days, you will find out nothing about your father.

COLIN FARRELL

Boy, I'm so excited! Working for the CIA is going to be so thrilling!

AL PACINO

You think so? Have you seen the poster for this movie? We look like we're about to fall asleep.

COLIN chases after BRIDGET some more.

BRIDGET MOYNAHAN

Now that I no longer see you as an advesary, I am free to fall in love with you. When your belief that I died reduced to a quivering, sobbing shred of a human being, I fell head over heels.

COLIN FARRELL

Let's fuck.

They FUCK. COLIN leaves when they are finished, a sure-fire way to get on a girl's good side. He meets up with AL PACINO.

COLIN FARRELL

There, I fucked her. Mission accomplished.

AL PACINO

That was the mission from earlier in the movie! You're supposed to hack her computer to figure out if she's stealing CIA files.

COLIN FARRELL

Oh, that's all? What operating system does she run?

AL PACINO

I dunno, some weird-looking thing that requires you to constantly type C code in order to accomplish even the most menial task.

COLIN FARRELL

Linux.

He HAX0RZ BRIDGET and sees that she is stealing files from the CIA.

AL PACINO

Uh oh, the third act has arrived. Well, as it turns out, all the bad guys are actually good and all the good guys are actually bad.

COLIN FARRELL

Holy shit! Truly, in the CIA, nothing is as it seems. Particularly when the screenwriters utterly lack even the smallest shred of originality.

AL PACINO begins speaking like a psychotic lunatic.

AL PACINO

Nothing I say from this point on makes any sense. It's amazing that someone as utterly insane as me was able to fool an entire organization whose name has the word Intelligence in the title.

COLIN FARRELL outwits AL PACINO. AL PACINO is KILLED by the REAL GOOD GUYS.

CIA SUPERVISOR

Good work, Colin Farrell. Without you, we never would have located the celebrity mole.

COLIN FARRELL

Does this mean I can be in the CIA again?

CIA SUPERVISOR

Ha ha! Of course not! You didn't figure out Pacino was the bad guy until the last half hour. Retarded chilren in the audience knew it the second time he said that nothing is as it seems. Fuckwit.

END


Rod has been an author at The Editing Room for 17 years. You can support Rod and the rest of the site on Patreon.

Rod is the founder of The Editing Room, having started the web site in 1998 after seeing "Godzilla" and being compelled to express his hatred. He's written the bulk of Abridged Scripts on the site, many of which have appeared in Total Film magazine and Cracked.com