Rambo: The Abridged Script
By: Rod Hilton on Feb 4th, 2008 | Movie Rating: 
FADE IN:
EXT. THAILAND
SYLVESTER STALLONE catches snakes with his bare hands and fishes with an archery set.
SYLVESTER STALLONE
If there’s time, I’d like to also show me hunting tigers with nunchucks.
STALLONE grunts his way through his village, when suddenly he is confronted by PAUL SCHULZE.
PAUL SCHULZE
Hello Sylvester. We’re Christian missionaries from Colorado, because the only time anyone mentions Colorado in a movie is when a bunch of fundamentalist Christians live there.
SYLVESTER STALLONE
(grunt)
PAUL SCHULZE
I’m the leader. Just to save you the trouble of being driven crazy for the entire movie, I’m the guy Jack Bauer had to shoot in the head on 24.
SYLVESTER STALLONE
What do you want from me, besides the delightful sounds of my incessant grunting?
PAUL SCHULZE
I want you to take us up the Salween River, so that we can distribute medicine and bibles.
SYLVESTER STALLONE
No.
JULIE BENZ
What if I ask you? I’m the woman of the group, and no man can resist the seductive charms of a frigid, uptight Christian woman saving herself for marriage.
SYLVESTER STALLONE
No.
(pause)
Okay.
STALLONE takes the CHRISTIAN MISSIONARIES up the river. Suddenly, their boat is attacked by PIRATES.
PAUL SCHULZE
Oh no! As a whiny pussy little liberal, I’m incapable of doing the slightest thing to defend myself and ensure my own survival! I hope a warmongering conservative with a silly name will save me!
SYLVESTER STALLONE
Mitt Romney?
PAUL SCHULZE
No, you. Save us, Rambo!
STALLONE kills the PIRATES until they are DEADER THAN SHIT. We watch some more boating up the river for a while, and eventually the CHRISTIANS are dropped off in BURMA.
SYLVESTER STALLONE
Ah, nothing says entertainment like watching someone drive a boat for half an hour. I guess I’ll head back now.
EXT. BURMA
The MISSIONARIES hand out bandages and bibles.
PAUL SCHULZE
I’m so glad we didn’t listen to Stallone when he told us this place was dangerous. He doesn’t understand how rewarding missionary work is. Look at how much we’re helping these people.
JULIE BENZ
Absolutely. If there’s one thing that a third world country in the middle of a violent civil war needs more of, it’s religion.
Suddenly, the BURMESE GOVERNMENT arrives and starts killing indiscriminately.
RANDOM VILLAGER
Oh no! We are being mercilessly slaughtered by evildoers! If only one of us were to rise up and fight against this oppression! A Karen army-of-one that would single-handedly bring us hope and serve as a symbol of our strength and pride!
(pause)
Failing that, a geriatric American would do quite nicely as well!
The MAXIMALLY EVIL BAD GUY in charge of being evil, who is so evil he doesn’t even get subtitles, manages to accidentally kill exactly none of the MISSIONARIES, and takes them hostage so they can be rescued later.
Meanwhile…
EXT. THAILAND
SYLVESTER STALLONE is back to work, lifting cars with his toes and blacksmithing random metal objects using his balls. KEN HOWARD enters.
KEN HOWARD
Hello. I’m a preacher from Colorado. I understand you delivered my missionaries to the jaws of death. I’ve hired mercenaries to go get them back. Will you take them up the river and kick some ass? I know it’s been a long time, but do you think you’re up for another mindless, violent movie?
SYLVESTER STALLONE
When you’re pushed, killin’s as easy as breathin’.
KEN HOWARD
I would actually imagine that breathing is pretty hard for someone your age.
STALLONE meets up with a bunch of ANNOYING MERCENARIES.
GRAHAM MCTAVISH
I’m an insufferable asshole for no reason whatsoever! So what’s our mission? I hope it involves being a douchebag, because I rape puppies when it comes to being a douchebag! Har har har!
MATTHEW MARSDEN
We’re going to go help the Karen resistance movement against the Burmese government.
GRAHAM MCTAVISH
Sounds boring, mate! Fuck all that! What the fuck do I care about the mass genocide going on in Burma?
MATTHEW MARSDEN
Uh, there’s a blonde, white woman that may die if we don’t help.
GRAHAM MCTAVISH
A blonde white woman? Well why didn’t you say so?! Let’s go!
SYLVESTER STALLONE
To the Ramboat!
EXT. BURMA - PRISONER CAMP
STALLONE, GRAHAM, MATTHEW, and SOME FUTURE CORPSES attempt to rescue the MISSIONARIES.
Eventually they are DISCOVERED, which leads to a very long violence sequence.
SYLVESTER STALLONE
Matthew, grab your sniper rifle and aim for the balloons filled with red corn syrup on top of their necks!
MATTHEW and STALLONE shoot the MOTHER FUCKING SHIT out of MOTHER FUCKING EVERYONE.
All bullets suddenly have the power to sever limbs and decapitate people.
SYLVESTER STALLONE
IDDQD. IDKFA.
STALLONE kills almost everyone, but kills the meanest bad guys in particularly gruesome ways. The MAXIMALLY EVIL BAD GUY tries to escape, but STALLONE kills him in the most violent way possible.
SYLVESTER STALLONE
Fuck yeah, bloodlust! Violence is totally cool when used against people who used violence before I did!
JULIE BENZ
Thanks for saving me, but isn’t it kind of ridiculous to be decrying violence while simultaneously celebrating it?
SYLVESTER STALLONE
Not at all. This is more than a mindless action flick. This is a very serious dramatic movie about a real-life tragedy. It just happens to have a 30-minute cartoon tacked onto the end.
JULIE BENZ
Really? It just seems like a cynical use of real events as a generic backdrop for a throwback to the self-indulgent action flicks of the 1980’s.
SYLVESTER STALLONE
Would it help if I dedicated the movie to the brave people of Burma before the closing credits?
JULIE BENZ
I wouldn’t if I were you. Remember, you tried that for Rambo III and wound up accidentally dedicating the movie to Osama Bin Laden.
SYLVESTER STALLONE
Oh right. Well, I guess it’s time to go start work on the screenplay to Tango & Cash 2. Should I call it “Raymond Tango” or “Gabriel Cash”?
END
To the Ramboat! Classic…where’s the movie star rating?
February 4th, 2008 at 3:50 pm[…] me 04.02.08Visual Permalink Quote of the Day If there’s one thing that a third world country in the middle of a violent civil war needs more of… « Objectivism at the coffee […]
February 4th, 2008 at 3:56 pmSYLVESTER STALLONE
IDDQD. IDKFA.
Pure hilarity. It might have been useful of course for Rambo to use IDCLIP.
February 4th, 2008 at 4:17 pmLooks like it’s at the top, 1.5 stars.
February 4th, 2008 at 4:57 pmIDDQ. IDKFA. Awesome Doom 2 reference :P I haven’t seen this yet, but I didn’t like the 1st 3, and I don’t like Stallone at all. Maybe ill give it a rent.
February 4th, 2008 at 5:05 pm“To the Ramboat!”
Priceless.
February 4th, 2008 at 5:05 pmI thought the flick was good mindless fun. The only issue I had (which I was surprised you skipped) was how they used ancient film techniques for making the MAXIMALLY EVIL BAD GUY even more evil.
February 4th, 2008 at 6:33 pm“Why is that teenage boy going into the EVIL BAD GUY’s room?”
“Oh, cause that’s the only way to show that he’s MAXIMALLY EVIL. It’s not enough that you’ve already seen he and his men murdering babies and betting on landmine races. He has to be a pederast too.”
“Your target audience is Republicans, huh?”
“How did you guess?”
Great script. My favorite parts are all in the narrative description blocks. Way to go, yuz.
February 4th, 2008 at 8:00 pmHey this was good. A throwback to the older style of script.
Loved the quip about how breathing at his age must be pretty hard. Nice turn on that flimsy poster line.
February 5th, 2008 at 10:23 amIn the screenshot, is that a stain on her shirt? Or is it wet and see-through, and she just has an oddly shaped nipple?
February 5th, 2008 at 2:45 pmTom:
Julie Benz has a topless scene in season 1 of Dexter. I can’t remember what her nipples looks like though.
Rod:
Must. Have. Clover. Field. Abridged. Script. Please.
February 5th, 2008 at 10:24 pmBest picture caption yet! “Crippling fear of plant life” brilliant!
February 6th, 2008 at 1:20 am“I hope it involves being a douchebag, because I rape puppies when it comes to being a douchebag!”
This may be the funniest thing I’ll see all day.
February 6th, 2008 at 10:21 am“IDDQD. IDKFA.”
February 6th, 2008 at 2:08 pmbwahahahaha!
This script was one of the best yet. A few of the lines really made me laugh out loud. And somehow I knew those were cheat codes Rambo said even though I’ve never played Doom (had to Google to be sure). Heheh. Great stuff. Although the real punch-line for me was:
“Remember, you tried that for Rambo III and wound up accidentally dedicating the movie to Osama Bin Laden.”
Too true. Woops!
February 6th, 2008 at 2:25 pmvery nice script, and stallone is a freakin beast
February 6th, 2008 at 6:06 pm“SYLVESTER STALLONE is back to work, lifting cars with his toes”
IDDQD - priceless, you win a cookie :D
Still going to see it, I like the sound of a 30 minute cartoon, wil it make up for the 30 minute boatride though or do I need to take a book?
February 8th, 2008 at 6:24 amPlease, please, please. Cloverfield!
February 8th, 2008 at 8:20 amFour stars! (for the review, anyway). Particularly the lines about the blonde white woman and Colorado only being mentioned in movies as home to fundamentalist Christians. Try living in Utah!
February 8th, 2008 at 10:20 amshut up about cloverfield
February 10th, 2008 at 12:44 amLOL @ “IDDQD. IDKFA.”
February 10th, 2008 at 1:51 amHere’s hoping that this movie won’t make people feel all warm and fuzzy inside about missionaries.
February 10th, 2008 at 8:53 pmLet’s talk about Cloverfield some more.
February 11th, 2008 at 9:11 pmHar har. Thanks for another abridged script of fun (and another priceless frame caption). “To the Ramboat!” and “SOME FUTURE CORPSES” cracked me up the most.
Careful about the typos, though… It’s not “I’m so glad we didn’t listen Stallone”, but “to Stallone”; not “If only one of us were were”, but “were here”. Also, did you mean “STALLONE meets up” or “STALLONE meets up with”? “I wouldn’t” or “It wouldn’t”?
Keep up the good work :)
February 12th, 2008 at 8:07 amHow can someone be both a fundamentalist Christian and a pussy liberal? I thought that was against the rules… wait, this is a Stallone movie, never mind.
February 12th, 2008 at 8:12 amIDDQD. IDKFA. To the Ramboat!
Haha, keep up the good work.
February 13th, 2008 at 8:54 amThe first time I read that caption, I thought it said “Sarah’s crippling fear of plant life suddenly creates a wrinkle in Rambo’s PANTS”.
February 15th, 2008 at 12:08 pmExcellent! Love it! Two thumbs up! (by the way, I was referring to the script posted here, not the movie…)
February 17th, 2008 at 1:26 amAnthony Says:
The first time I read that caption, I thought it said “Sarah’s crippling fear of plant life suddenly creates a wrinkle in Rambo’s PANTS”.
I guess great minds think alike. That is what I read too! In fact, I didn’t spot my mistake until I read your post.
February 21st, 2008 at 8:19 amSince Rod seems to be on vacation here’s my try at an abridged script:
INT: Kodak theatre, LA. 80th Oscars.
JON STEWART
“Hello, I’ll be your host tonight since nobody else could be found who wanted the job. Oh, and the writers are back by the way and to make a statement they’re going to pretend to actually care about what they’ve written for this show although the difference between if they were not here couldn’t be told”
For the next 4 hours unfunny remarks and jokes that seem to come from the first time the Oscars were presented are made.
Some undeserving movies and actors win awards and other heartwrenching stuff like AWFUL songs and Nicole Kidman’s FOREHEAD happen and they even forget to mention people in the ‘in memorian’ reel (like Brad Renfro, they don’t seem to find him important enough, but come on there is even an abridged of Apt Pupil on this site for Christ’s sake!!!).
JON STEWART
‘This was supposed to be an anniversary edition?? Wow the writers and the members of the Academy really seemed to screwed it up. I wonder why??
(*shrugs shoulders and looks at bank account where a few million dollars are added*)’
OH, WELL. It’s not like I’m well known for critizing things that utterly deserve to be critized.
(*flies back to NY with Academy Award Airlines*)
GEORGE CLOONEY
‘Wow, I really think this were the best Oscars ever, like I said Batman and Robin was the ultimate version of the Batman-series.’
–EXT. Streets of the World –
Nobody watched it. Life goes on.
Jon Stewart
February 28th, 2008 at 4:35 amWow, I’m glad I didn’t quit my FUCKING dayjob.
Mmm hate to break it to you Utter Defiance, but don’t YOU quit your day job.
See what I did there?
February 29th, 2008 at 12:51 amDamn you! I’m currently hospitalized after abdominal surgery, and I almost tore my god damned stitches after reading this. Especially the quip about being a douche bag and raping puppies, and Stallone and Marsden shooting motherfucking everyone. My surgery scar hurt really, really fucking bad. I had several breaks, as I couldn’t finish it in one reading.
March 1st, 2008 at 1:18 pmJUNO! TER JUNO!
March 2nd, 2008 at 9:57 amJuno:
Someone redoes Saved!, but without the humor.
THE END
March 3rd, 2008 at 2:27 pmThis might have been the funniest thing I’ve seen in the past several years or so.
And the script was pretty hilarious too. ;)
My only gripe about the script is that it glossed over the part where Rambo sets off (as near as I can tell) a randomly abandoned low-yield nuclear bomb or something, and then, in his sixties, manages to outrun the blast.
Otherwise, awesome job.
March 3rd, 2008 at 2:55 pmJuno:
Someone redoes Saved! but a whole lot better.
END.
FUCK Saved.
March 3rd, 2008 at 5:55 pmTER Juno !!!!
March 4th, 2008 at 6:30 am“Absolutely. If there’s one thing that a third world country in the middle of a violent civil war needs more of, it’s religion.”
Pure. Fucking. Genius
March 6th, 2008 at 8:04 pmNo new scripts for a month, eh? We can only assume that Hollywood has literally bored Rod Hilton to death now. R.I.P., Rod.
March 10th, 2008 at 11:52 amI had to wikipedia IDDQD and IDKFA, but i lolled a lot once i did
April 21st, 2008 at 11:19 pmTo the Ramboat!!
HA!
they’re making a new cartoon series of Rambo….if that doesnt become a catchphrase of the show, IM gonna shoot motherfucking everyone.
April 26th, 2008 at 6:21 am