FADE IN:

INT . BATES MOTEL - NIGHT

ANNE HECHE

I need to stay here.. I have stolen money and cheated people who trusted me. But I’m still the protaganist.. you need to be horrified when I get killed.

VINCE VAUGHN

Well, if it’s OK with Mother, I could give you a room in my creepy, seedy hotel filled with stuffed birds and run by an obvious nutcase. Would that be ok with you, Mother?

VINCE VAUGHN

NO, SHE’S A ROTTEN DIRTY FUCKING WHORE.

VINCE VAUGHN

I don’t care what you say mother! SHE

STAYS! I LIKE HER!

ANNE HECHE

(leaving)

I’ll be going back to my room.

VINCE VAUGHN

LOOK WHAT YOU DID, MOTHER!

INT . ROOM #1 - NIGHT

ANNE HECHE removes her clothing. She gets in the SHOWER.

A mysterious, squeaky, wet sound comes from behind the wall.

AUDIENCE

Er..

Through a hole in the wall, an eye watches. It rolls back into its head. Through another hole in the wall, closer to the floor, a stream of white milky fluid shoots out onto the bathroom floor.

VINCE VAUGHN

Shit. I really need to spackle that hole back up.

VINCE VAUGHN

HAVE YOU BEEN BEATING OFF AGAIN?

VINCE VAUGHN

Leave me alone, mother.

VINCE VAUGHN

SHE MIGHT SEE THAT! THEN SHE’LL CALL THE POLICE ON YOU AND YOU’LL BE TAKEN AWAY!

VINCE VAUGHN

I guess I better kill her then.

ANNE HECHE continues showering. VINCE sneaks up behind her and shoves a knife into her, or at least shoves a knife into the air near her. We can’t really tell, although the ‘knife puncturing lesbian flesh’ sound effects help.

INT . THE PLACE ANNE HECHE USED TO WORK - NIGHT

JULIANNE MOORE

(in ‘Scully’ mode)

My sister is missing. We need to find her. Now!

VIGGO MORTENSEN

Wep, I shore do reckon we need to get ourselves up a pri-vayte eye.

JULIANNE MOORE

Fine. I’ll call.

She grabs the phone with force. She dials the number, punishing each and every button.

JULIANNE MOORE (CONT’D)

Yes. We need a detective. My sister is gone. What? Well, yes, detective Macy, I certainly would like to repeat what you say for exposition. Where? The bates motel? There’s a nutbag there who kills people in the shower? What’s that? Yes, I am Anne Heche’s sister. Here? Well, I am with her boyfriend, Viggo Mortensen.

VIGGO MORTENSEN

A-hyuk! That’s me!

JULIANNE MOORE

Ok, you go there. Let me know if you find anything.

INT . BATES MOTEL - NIGHT

WILLIAM H. MACY

Hello there, Vince. I think you’ve killed someone.

VINCE VAUGHN

What evidence do you have?

WILLIAM H. MACY

Well, none really. But something seems strange. And if it doesn’t jell, it isn’t aspic.

VINCE VAUGHN

What the hell is aspic?

VINCE VAUGHN

STOP TALKING TO HIM AND KILL HIM!

VINCE slashes a knife through WILLIAM.. or at least really close to his face. Either way, it opens up a blackish, non-bleeding streak down WILLIAM’S face. He then proceeds to fall backward and the camera moves its POV with him in a comical fashion.

JULIANNE MOORE

We saw that. You’re going down, Vince! Let’s get him, Mulder.

VIGGO MORTENSEN

I ain’t Muld-

Suddenly, VINCE runs down the stairs to kill the intruders. He trips on his dress, though, and falls down, knocking himself unconscious.

INT . MENTAL HOSPITAL - DAY

JOE THE EXPLAINING PSYCHOLOGIST

It appears that Vince had a real mother complex.

AUDIENCE

OH! I get it now. That wasn’t clear before.

JOE THE EXPLAINING PSYCHOLOGIST

He also wore his mother’s dresses and a blond wig. He murdered people when ’she’ convinced him to.

AUDIENCE

Of course! It’s all clear now.

JOE THE EXPLAINING PSYCHOLOGIST

He was mentally ill.

AUDIENCE

Really?

JOE THE EXPLAINING PSYCHOLOGIST

He killed your sister, Julianne.

JULIANNE MOORE

Well, duh, doctor.

JOE THE EXPLAINING PSYCHOLOGIST

That’s about it. There’s nothing else that the audience figured out long ago that I could re-explain.

INT . MOVIE CRITIC’S CONVENTION - DAY

OLD GEEZER CRITICS

That movie was horrible! Hitchcock must be spinning in his grave!

YOUNG FILM-STUDENT WANNABES

(pretending they saw the) original ‘Psycho’)

Yeah! It was so bad! Just cuz somethin’s in color doesn’t mean it’s good, Gus! I think we should all kill Gus Van Sant! ROTTEN FUCKER! You just can’t improve a masterpiece!!

OLD GEEZER CRITICS

The original WAS a masterpiece! Those scenes of obvious exposition that ruined realism, the pointless shots that didn’t progress the story, and Joe the Explainer in the end, those were all elements of Hitchcock’s style. They weren’t annoying flaws or anything.

YOUNG FILM-STUDENT WANNABES

Yeah! The original was flawless! And then Gus goes and puts it in COLOR! COLOR FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! WHAT THE FUCK, YO?!

EVERY FILM CRITIC EVER

One has to wonder one question when thinking about Gus Van Sant’s recreation of Psycho. That question, as you’ve read in EVERY SINGLE review of this movie, is “Why?” The answer is “Because a lot of people, especially the younger crowd, have not seen Psycho, let alone in the theater, and Gus wanted to show them all a great movie they probably never would have seen otherwise.” I will ignore this answer and hate Gus, though. He sucks.

DIRECTOR GUS VAN SANT

Calm down, guys. It’s just a movie.

GUS is pegged by LEGIONS OF UPTIGHT FILM CRITICS with rocks and molotov cocktails.

END