Potter Shit
So the poll where I asked what franchise I should fully abridge was pretty clear: you want me to go back and watch the godawful Harry Potter movies. Thanks a lot. I don’t even remember what the hell happens in the second one. God that one sucks.
I also really enjoyed the fact that 70 of you wanted me to abridge the Bond movies, even though I said you were wasting your vote IN the poll. No, I’m not going to go back and abridge 20 Bond movies.
Potter, however, I’ll do. I’ll post them as I finish them.
UPDATE: Until the fifth movie comes out on DVD and I can rewatch it, I’m done with the Potter movies. The first four are abridged on the site. I’ll do the fifth one at some point, but not for a while.
Rod:
September 23rd, 2007 at 7:45 pmI voted for Potter, but want to change my vote for BOURNE!!!!
Please do Bourne
And Potter.
Thanks.
Me and a bunch of other suckers found ourselves watching Harry Potter 1 closer than was healthy for a Rifftrax forum project. It made me morbidly curious about the other films.
September 23rd, 2007 at 8:41 pmBut… you love Bond. Love him.
He’s back, you know.
September 24th, 2007 at 6:41 amPersonally I’d rather that, if you’re going back to do scripts for “older” movies, you just do ones that you actually do like, instead of ones that you hate, regardless of the polling. I generally like your scripts better when you’ve given the movie a higher rating. Most of the Potter movies are jokes in and of themselves - why bother belaboring the point with an abridged script? I think it’s usually much funnier to start with something that’s actually liked.
September 24th, 2007 at 8:08 amJust make sure to make lots of Star Wars references.
September 24th, 2007 at 10:39 amIs the first part called “Philosopher’s Stone” or “Sorcerer’s Stone”?
Because I think I’ve seen both on different sources and don’t know what source to trust now and Mrs. Rowling doesn’t pick up her phone.
September 24th, 2007 at 11:57 amAren’t they the same book? In the US, it’s the Sorcerer’s Stone. It seems like it is the Philosopher’s Stone, which makes sense, everywhere else.
September 24th, 2007 at 1:29 pmYeah, the “real” title is Philosopher’s Stone, taken from the mythical stone of the same name: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philosopher%27s_stone
Apparently somebody felt that American audiences were allergic to the word “philosophy” and decided to make it “sorceror” instead.
September 24th, 2007 at 2:33 pmer, “sorcerer,” not “sorceror.” Mmph.
September 24th, 2007 at 2:33 pmi wouldn’t be adverse to abridgements of several other film series as well…
September 24th, 2007 at 6:04 pmI know this site has always been about ripping on Hollywood’s idiocy, but I have to agree that the scripts for movies you enjoy are more satisfying than the ones for movies you hated. The love you have for some of these movies shows through in the quality of your jokes, and I for one don’t think obvious crap festivals like the second Fantastic 4 movie deserve your attention.
September 24th, 2007 at 10:02 pmThat said… Indiana Jones, for the love!
September 25th, 2007 at 5:54 pmWho the hell voted for Harry Potter?
WTF?
September 25th, 2007 at 10:55 pmOh dear, I sincerely pity you if you have to go and watch all that crap just for the sake of (some of) your readers. You should just do whatever movies you feel like. Don’t worry, we will still love you (in fact, I will personally love you more, because I don’t give a rat’s ass about Harry Potter).
September 26th, 2007 at 1:17 amSo, let’s do something more CLASSIC. A very widely known franchise that was however some time ago.
I am of course talking about “Back to the Future”.
Now there’s something just gagging to be ripped apart sideways.
Or: “ALL Adam Sandler movies”
And… wait for it… “The Complete Michael More — Abridged”.
I’d PAY to see that one.
no..wait. :)
September 26th, 2007 at 1:37 amHalo 3 :)
September 26th, 2007 at 3:44 am..and to think that most of these voters have driver’s licenses. I guess I should be happy that The Land Before Time was bumped out. Here’s hoping you come out of this alive Rod
September 26th, 2007 at 7:14 amThat would be the Back to the Future sequels, right? Because the first movie already has a script. But yeah it’s fun to sum up the silliness of the sequels.
September 26th, 2007 at 3:18 pmThe Godfather? Anyone?
September 26th, 2007 at 6:00 pmAbridging the entire Bond series “ain’t no thang”, really. Consider the plot of every single Bond movie ever made (including the unofficial versions and parodies): Bond is sent on a mission by MI6 to drive sexy sports cars and get his leg over at least three different “Bond Girls” (the first two he will pork merely for information, then toss aside after he’s finished wiping his dick on them), the other he’ll inexplicably fall in love with (and will then toss aside in time for the next movie).
Oh yeah, also some crap about a maniacal villain who, along with his trusty sidekick who crushes people to death with his steel buttocks, plans to profit by destroying the world with a nuclear something or other.
Well, I’m off. I’ve just been hired by Barbara Broccoli to write the story for the next Bond movie.
September 27th, 2007 at 12:05 amWhat’s with all the boy wizard haters suddenly coming out of the woodwork? The films were competent, if a bit listless, adaptations of a wonderfully crafted collection of novels (provided you disregard the Disney-esque epilogue from book 7). I didn’t find a one of them “godawful.”
September 27th, 2007 at 12:28 amThe first two movies *were* pretty awful, especially when compared to the books. They’ve gotten much better since then, though, they started drastically improving in the third movie when the majority of the Hogwarts Grounds set was changed, and they made an effort to make Daniel Radcliffe look somewhat like Harry. I wish they hadn’t had to recast Dumbledore, though. And I think that they should’ve made an effort to give Michael Gambon similar costumes to what Richard Griffiths had, instead of completely redesigning his character.
September 27th, 2007 at 10:01 amActually I thought the first two Potter movies were the best ones considering that they’re supposed to be made for kids. Nowadays they’re moving much closer to strattling the same fence that was mentioned in the “Stardust” abridged script page: too adult for kids, too kiddy for adults. IMO, the newest movie bored me to tears. Although I think the worst one was still the third one, if only because it failed to explain so many things.
Tyallie: I agree about Dumbledore. They didn’t even TRY to make the new actor look the same. In fact, they made him look like a creepy disgusting old hobo instead…
September 27th, 2007 at 10:10 amYou’d might as well stop at Potter #2, Rod, because the last three movies were great. Also, do you really want to encourage kiss-ass dweebs like the guys before me?
September 27th, 2007 at 10:48 amWhile I did vote for Harry Potter, I was thinking more along the lines of the last couple of movies. I wouldn’t want to put you through watching the horrible second movie again. I think 4 and 5 would be more fun to make fun of :)
But it’s your decision in the end. Have fun getting mad at Emma “teleprompter girl” Watson and Daniel “same expression always” Radcliffe.
September 27th, 2007 at 1:38 pmI think you should do sci-fi flops that have somehow gleaned a “cult” following, like Blade Runner, or Tron, which is the only film, imho, that offers more premise than the very funny Battlefield Earth skit you did.
September 27th, 2007 at 3:26 pmSaber - I think they were trying to make Gambon look like Gandalf the Grey. They even made his wig and beard grey, despite the fact that Dumbledore is meant to be white-haired. I really don’t get why they did it, but Richard Harris’ Dumbledore is the one thing I really liked from those first two movies. Though, I can’t help wondering if maybe Dumbledore’s look would’ve been changed even if Harris hadn’t died. So much about the look of the films changed for number 3.
September 27th, 2007 at 4:43 pmI personally couldn’t stand the Richard Harris Dumbledore. I mean, I know this sounds rude, but I expected him to drop dead at any minute. He was too feeble, and it took him ten, minutes, to, say, one, stinking, sentence. The Michael Gambon Dumbledore isn’t great either, but I kinda prefer it. At least if I poke the new Dumbledore with a stick he won’t just collapse.
September 28th, 2007 at 10:20 pmLindsey,
Agreed. The fifth book must not have been out by the time the first two movies came out - or if it was, nobody read it. Can you imagine the scene at the end of the fifth book with Voldemort vs. Dumbledore, where Dumbledore is played by Richard Harris? It’d be awful.
No, scratch that, it’d be hilarious, and it would make sitting through these other movies worth it.
September 29th, 2007 at 7:49 amThat’s all true, sure, but the new Dumbledore just comes across as really mean and totally unlikeable. The scene in the third movie where he pounds on Ron’s broken leg was funny just because I hate Rupert Grunt and like to see him get tortured, but it didn’t exactly paint a good picture of Dumbledore. And the part where he nearly strangles Harry while growling “Did you put your name in the Goblet of Fire? DID YOU?!” didn’t help either. I half-expected him to shout “CRUCIO!” at the end. I just can’t imagine moviegoers who haven’t read the book being very concerned when Snape offs him in the next movie. Unless, that is, they go out of their way to suddenly build up sympathy for him in the very beginning of the film like they did with throw-away character Sirius Black in the last one.
September 29th, 2007 at 12:27 pmSirius Black is still my favorite character in the Potter universe. You can’t help liking him, especially when he’s portrayed by the Man, Gary Oldman. Still, the movies really don’t flesh him out at all. Sure, the latest film tried to give him a character but it failed miserably. And I rolled my eyes in pain when Sirius said something along the lines of “we’ll be a real family soon!” Oh, I do wonder if something bad will happen to him by the end of the movie! Sack the screenwriter.
Now, I liked the Potter books. The characters actually have a personality in them, although the plot twists and deus ex machinae are exactly the same, horrible brainfarts as in the movies.
September 29th, 2007 at 1:45 pmSirius has been fleshed out better than a lot of other characters in the movies. I mean, okay, I’m just talking now to the people who’ve seen the movies but not read the books. Have any of you guys even heard of Ron’s brothers, Charlie and Bill Weasley? Maybe - I can’t remember if the first movie happens to mention Charlie. But Bill plays a crucial role in Deathly Hallows, and I can’t imagine how they’re going to do that in the film when they haven’t so much as mentioned Bill. And do any of you same movie-goers have any clue who Grindelwald is? Or perhaps you know the name of Dumbledore’s brother?
September 30th, 2007 at 3:59 pmI once had this vision of a Yoda Dumbledore. That would be amusing.
September 30th, 2007 at 6:58 pmOk, Rod. Now you’re through with Potter (for the time being), do something worthwhile and abridge the DIE HARD movies (yes, all 4).
Come on they weren’t even in the choices offered and IMO they are most deserving of your abridging talent. But you’re still an asshole.
October 3rd, 2007 at 4:02 amIt’s Len Wiseman who’s the asshole, not Rod. Len Wiseman who saw fit to violate my childhood memories with the cackiest excuse for an action movie (let alone a “Die Hard” movie) in a long time. When I first saw the trailer I thought I was watching the trailer for funking “Transformers” (flying CGI cars assaulting CGI helicopters, bah!).
Most cringeworthy line (paraphrased):
JUSTIN LONG
D00d, JFTR you just pwned a helicopter with your car!
BRUCE WILLIS
October 10th, 2007 at 1:02 amI was outta bullets. :[
‘It’s Len Wiseman who’s the asshole, not Rod’
yes, i was being sarcastic, first i talked about his “-abridging talent-” thereby complimenting him, but since i don’t like asskissing in optima forma I called him an asshole so he won’t feel asskissed by me.
Also I have it on good authority Rod likes being called an asshole.
October 16th, 2007 at 8:17 amHey Rod, I just watched Harry Potter 5 in DVD.
October 17th, 2007 at 6:15 pmThat’s all.
If you want to spoof Harry Potter by all means do. But there are PLENTY of Harry Potter parodies on the web, and in general. If you ask me–which I know you didn’t but I’ll pretend you did–there are not enough parodies of Blade Runner or Indiana Jones. You should do one of those. Since you have contributions, I’m considering contributing those spoofs to your site myself, but my parody style is really way different than yours.
October 28th, 2007 at 6:56 amI would like to know what movies you actually like.
April 8th, 2008 at 4:52 amI’m a potterverse purist… and I found that the only movie that was great was the first one (and even it had some stupidity to it) but the rest are crap… I mean, when my mom bought me the 5th movie for Christmas and then expected me to be happy about it when i refused to see it in theatres… well, it resulted in me faking happiness. Luckily for me, i got to fall asleep while being forced to watch it with my siblings. I enjoyed the books (for the most part), but since i’ve finished them. i would love to see every one of the movies in the series recieve a very well deserved abridged version of the script.
April 26th, 2008 at 3:09 am