"And-a-FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT! HEEL-turn, HEEL-turn, FEA-ther step, KICK!"


"And-a-FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT! HEEL-turn, HEEL-turn, FEA-ther step, KICK!"

POKEMON

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. SOME RANDOM LOCATION

PIKACHU

Pika pika!

He is CUTE and available for $23.99 at your mall's toy store.

THAT KID GUY

Pikachu, attack something-or-other!

PIKACHU kicks some motherfucking ASS. Then MEW or something is cloned into MEWTWO, who is EVIL. All of the other POKEMON are cloned into evil-looking counterparts, all also available for $23.99, 5 for $99.99!!

SOME CUTISH THING

Boys and girls! We need to defeat Mewtwo and we need your help! We don't know how to defeat him, but the secret code is contained on the trading cards! Collect them all to decode the message!

INT. BURGER KING

The CHILDREN FROM THE AUDIENCE purchase various BURGER KING meals to get all of the cards and mail in $12.50 for a special decoder kit.

INT. CHILDREN'S HOMES - 6-8 WEEKS LATER

CHILDREN

Wheee!!

They decode the message!

EXT. SOME RANDOM LOCATION

SOME CUTISH THING

Thanks kids! Now we can defeat the evil Mewtwo! Tell us, what's the secret message?

The CHILDREN whisper the message to the pointy cute ears of one of the POKEMON.

SOME CUTISH THING

Aha! We've got you now, Mewtwo!

MEWTWO

Shit.

The POKEMON launch their plan! Within minutes, POKELAND or whatever has switched to COMMUNISM!

MEWTWO

Noooo!! My horribly obvious ploy to have clones of all the Pokemon so that children have to purchase two of each, it cannot survive without capitalism! Arrrrgghhh!

All of the clones disappear.

MEWTWO

My clones! My army! It has fallen!

(pause)

But you have not yet defeated me, random animal-creatures!

PIKACHU

We don't need to! We have our own army to take care of you!

PARENTS OF POKEMON-OBSESSED CHILDREN

You son of a bitch.

The PARENTS kick the living snot out of MEWTWO and proceed to destroy PIKACHU and the rest of the POKEMON as well.

PARENTS OF POKEMON-OBSESSED CHILDREN

Don't fuck with us.

They then destroy the BRAINWASHING MACHINE, thus releasing their children from the clutches of JAPAN.

CHILD

Whoa. What happened? Where was I? What are all these doofy things covering my room?

Light seeps in through a crack in the blinds.

CHILD

Sunlight! My eyes!

MOTHER

So what happens now?

FATHER

It'll be okay. With the Pokemon empire destroyed, the children will soon be able to come to terms with the rest of reality.

CHILD

Daddy daddy! Can I go play in the sunlight with one of the other humanoid creatures on my block that I used to trade cards with?

FATHER

Yes, son. Here is a basketball.

The child runs outside to associate with non-animal creatures.

FATHER

Everything's going to be just fine.

END

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