Pokemon: The Abridged Script
By Rod | Nov 14th, 1999 |
7 Comments
| Movie: 
FADE IN:
EXT. SOME RANDOM LOCATION
PIKACHU
Pika pika!
He is CUTE and available for $23.99 at your mall’s toy store.
THAT KID GUY
Pikachu, attack something-or-other!
PIKACHU kicks some motherfucking ASS. Then MEW or something is cloned into MEWTWO, who is EVIL. All of the other POKEMON are cloned into evil-looking counterparts, all also available for $23.99, 5 for $99.99!!
SOME CUTISH THING
Boys and girls! We need to defeat Mewtwo and we need your help! We don’t know how to defeat him, but the secret code is contained on the trading cards! Collect them all to decode the message!
INT. BURGER KING
The CHILDREN FROM THE AUDIENCE purchase various BURGER KING meals to get all of the cards and mail in $12.50 for a special decoder kit.
INT. CHILDREN’S HOMES – 6-8 WEEKS LATER
CHILDREN
Wheee!!
They decode the message!
EXT. SOME RANDOM LOCATION
SOME CUTISH THING
Thanks kids! Now we can defeat the evil Mewtwo! Tell us, what’s the secret message?
The CHILDREN whisper the message to the pointy cute ears of one of the POKEMON.
SOME CUTISH THING
Aha! We’ve got you now, Mewtwo!
MEWTWO
Shit.
The POKEMON launch their plan! Within minutes, POKELAND or whatever has switched to COMMUNISM!
MEWTWO
Noooo!! My horribly obvious ploy to have clones of all the Pokemon so that children have to purchase two of each, it cannot survive without capitalism! Arrrrgghhh!
All of the clones disappear.
MEWTWO
My clones! My army! It has fallen!
(pause)
But you have not yet defeated me, random animal-creatures!
PIKACHU
We don’t need to! We have our own army to take care of you!
PARENTS OF POKEMON-OBSESSED CHILDREN
You son of a bitch.
The PARENTS kick the living snot out of MEWTWO and proceed to destroy PIKACHU and the rest of the POKEMON as well.
PARENTS OF POKEMON-OBSESSED CHILDREN
Don’t fuck with us.
They then destroy the BRAINWASHING MACHINE, thus releasing their children from the clutches of JAPAN.
CHILD
Whoa. What happened? Where was I? What are all these doofy things covering my room?
Light seeps in through a crack in the blinds.
CHILD
Sunlight! My eyes!
MOTHER
So what happens now?
FATHER
It’ll be okay. With the Pokemon empire destroyed, the children will soon be able to come to terms with the rest of reality.
CHILD
Daddy daddy! Can I go play in the sunlight with one of the other humanoid creatures on my block that I used to trade cards with?
FATHER
Yes, son. Here is a basketball.
The child runs outside to associate with non-animal creatures.
FATHER
Everything’s going to be just fine.
END
Ah if only. Thank gott in himmel they’re grown now.
July 25th, 2008 at 11:31 pmAnd yet they STILL make Pokemon movies and TV shows, what the fuck, not even Naruto or any fucking Anime will ever be able to live up to this even though it’s a complete piece of shit
September 30th, 2008 at 1:59 pmAnd this is an excellent example of badass parents who actually do their job, I wish the movie had been like this.
December 17th, 2008 at 7:52 pmThank God Pokemon fever has subsided :D
March 31st, 2009 at 6:03 pmAh pokemon, if only it were really like this. I’d say the cards would have been worth it….if anyone knew how to play the goddamn game in the first place
June 13th, 2009 at 5:11 am"it cannot survive without capitalism!"
January 10th, 2010 at 4:41 amprobably sums up the whole Pokemon after the first three games…
Wait! It was the basic premise since then!
Congratulations!
south park did it!
February 1st, 2010 at 2:14 pm