The Abridged Script
EXT. SOME PLANET
A SHIP crashes and all crew and passengers are lost except for a SMALL, DIVERSE GROUP.
I am the highest ranking officer left on this ship. I am a strong, independent, take-charge woman.
Please notice my ample cleavage and tight pants.
VIN DIESEL escapes and everyone is scared.
I am black. I am also an atheist.
He is KILLED immediately.
Why did you kill him?
I didn't. Some weirdass creatures that live in darkness killed him.
As a matter of fact, I haven't killed anyone. The most evil thing I've done is show that I have large muscles.
Come to think of it, I've been pretty nice.
Yeah well we aren't falling for that shit. You're still evil.
Hmm. I just discovered something interesting. Every 22 years, there is complete darkness, which is exactly what all these alien things need in order to eat all of us.
RANDOM FACELESS CHARACTER
How did these creatures survive for 22 years if they need to feed on humans to live? What do they eat while underground and in caves and all that shit?
He is killed.
How terribly unfortunate for us to have crash landed exactly now, on the day before this darkness hits. And even stranger, for me to discover this about an hour before it happens, only enough time to get out to some power cells we need in order to get off this planet, but not enough time to get back before dark.
Unfortunate? The odds of this happening are almost 200,000 to 1 against.
And we aren't on some foreign desert planet, it looks like Arizona.
She is also killed.
Alright, now that all of the outrageous coincidences have been ignored, let's get these power cells back to the emergency ship.
Actually there's one more absurd coincidence. I can see in the dark. Thank God I'm here, eh?
VIN leads everyone back to the ship. Everyone carries lights on them to repel the CGI AlIENS.
WE SEEM TO BE SAFE, SO I WILL PANIC NOW FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON WHATSOEVER!!!!
He does so, destroying the lights being carried by the CREW.
Wow, that was extremely stupid and random.
He is obliterated. The CAST now must use flaming wine bottles to light their way.
More people DIE.
I will go on to the ship and come back and rescue you. For some reason, the creatures never attack me, even when I have absolutely no light on me.
He arrives at the ship. He gets in and is about to take off by himself, leaving the others behind.
I am quite evil.
RADHA is killed.
I'm not evil anymore.
It's a good thing I learned my lesson after it was completely too late.
They take off, but not before THE CHILD CHARACTER reveals an ENTIRELY USELESS AND INANE PLOT TWIST.