Shit got real after someone else grabbed the last bottle of Skinnygirl White Cranberry Cosmo.


Shit got real after someone else grabbed the last bottle of Skinnygirl White Cranberry Cosmo.

PEPPERMINT

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. LOS ANGELES

Slightly unkempt and unfashionable JENNIFER GARNER argues with perfectly coiffed and pressed PELL JAMES. JENNIFER's daughter, CAILEY FLEMING, bears witness.

PELL JAMES

Jennifer, as the petty rich housewife in charge of Cailey's Girl Scout knock-off group, it is my duty to use a minor dispute over a parking spot to ostracize you and your daughter in the most loathsome way possible.

JENNIFER GARNER

You go ahead, Pell. But mark my words: If a horribly traumatic event makes me try to be a credible action heroine again, you will be ON MY FUCKING LIST.

AUDIENCE

(stays seated just for that)

EXT. THE SHITTY PART OF LOS ANGELES

JENNIFER gets ICE CREAM with her husband, JEFF HEPHNER, and CAILEY, who orders PEPPERMINT because it's never occurred to ANYONE to make an action-packed drug crime movie called "HEAVENLY HASH."

CAILEY FLEMING

Mommy, for real, why didn't you cut that bitch?

JENNIFER GARNER

Oh, sweetie, violence isn't the answer. But there's an arsenic-laced lemon square at the next PTA bake sale with her name on it.

JEFF HEPHNER

The elites may look down on us, even though we're white--

ALL THREE OF THEM pointedly look at the CAMERA.

JEFF HEPHNER

--and sometimes that makes us want to do bad things, BUT I DIDN'T END UP DOING IT OKAY?! And in the end, we have each other.

THREE BAD HOMBRES

Not anymore.

They shoot the FUCK out of JEFF and CAILEY, catching JENNIFER once.

JENNIFER GARNER

And that's... why... we've gotta build the wall...

(passes out)

INT. HOSPITAL

JENNIFER is coming out of a COMA when DET. JOHN GALLAGHER JR. enters.

DET. JOHN GALLAGHER JR.

Jennifer? I just want you to know that I'm the one person in the entire criminal justice system who's going to show any concern for you in the first two acts.

JENNIFER GARNER

(hoarse)

What about the third act?

DET. JOHN GALLAGHER JR.

(looks away, whistles)

INT. COURTROOM

Lawyer MICHAEL MOSLEY questions JENNIFER.

MICHAEL MOSLEY

And you recognize all three of these men, even though you were about 30 feet away and there were car windows between you?

JENNIFER GARNER

It HAS to be them. They had the biggest neck tats in the lineup.

MICHAEL MOSLEY

Bullshit, Your Honor.

JUDGE JEFF HARLAN

Couldn't agree more. As far as the court is concerned, this case never happened.

(bangs gavel)

JENNIFER GARNER

The FUCK?! Even though Michael tried to give me an envelope full of cash just yesterday? Did these guys' bosses buy off everyone in this room?

EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM

(looks away, whistles)

JENNIFER GARNER

Oh HELL no. I WILL get justice for this. And that justice will be CURIOUSLY STRONG.

(pauses)

Did that sound dumb? I think that sounded dumb.

(skips town)

INT. FIVE YEARS LATER

DET. JOHN GALLAGHER JR. and his partner, DET. JOHN ORTIZ, meet with FBI AGENT ANNIE ILONZEH.

AGENT ANNIE ILONZEH

We've managed to trace Jennifer all over the world, since she's never learned to cover her face despite having become a weapons expert, arsonist, mixed martial artist, and cargo thief who can perform surgery on herself. It seems she's murdered all three of those bad hombres, plus the judge and the lawyers.

DET. JOHN ORTIZ

And the bitchy Girl Scout mom?

AGENT ANNIE ILONZEH

Not yet. We think her priority right now is Juan Pablo Raba, the top bad hombre. Lately she's been shooting tattooed Hispanic men on sight under the assumption that they all work for him.

DET. JOHN GALLAGHER JR.

And... that's wrong?

AGENT ANNIE ILONZEH

Of course it's wrong. She should be DETAINING them on sight, not shooting them.

EXT. THE *REALLY* SHITTY PART OF LOS ANGELES

From her BASE OF OPERATIONS in a PANEL VAN, JENNIFER spots a RICH-LOOKING BAD HOMBRE.

JENNIFER GARNER

Hmmm. If I were a Hispanic man walking through Skid Row, dressed like I was making my rounds for protection money, where would I keep it? Of course! The taco shell factory backyard deck showroom sombrero and serape emporium piñata store!

She loads up on GUNS and slips in there, finding more BAD HOMBRES inside.

JENNIFER GARNER

(aims)

You're about to get PEPPERED. With bullets.

BAD HOMBRES

(stare blankly)

JENNIFER GARNER

(sighs)

That was definitely dumb. Um... something about justice, I guess.

The BAD HOMBRES shoot at JENNIFER repeatedly and miss EVERY SINGLE TIME. She kills about TWO-THIRDS OF THEM in ONE SHOT EACH.

BAD HOMBRES

¡ARRIBA ARRIBA ÁNDALE ÁNDALE!

(run)

INT. THE NOT REMOTELY SHITTY PART OF LOS ANGELES

The BAD HOMBRES who escaped report to JUAN PABLO RABA.

BAD HOMBRES

It's bad, boss. Everything that's gone wrong for us in the past week, this puta has been responsible! We should have left her husband alone after he decided not to get involved with us!

JUAN PABLO RABA

Nah. He knew too much. Besides, who could have predicted that a 134-pound woman could get so good at taking out men three times her size, with three times her experience with assault rifles? CARAY we suck at this.

Suddenly the BAD HOMBRES fall to the ground, having been shot by JENNIFER!

JUAN PABLO RABA

¡Dios mío! Did you kill all 20 of the guys guarding my house to get in here?

JENNIFER GARNER

Yup. All of them. I never run out of ammo, and I always take a second to aim this thing.

JUAN PABLO RABA

...Why am I trying to kill you? I should hire you.

JENNIFER GARNER

I don't want a job. I want JUSTICE JUSTICEY JUST JUST JUSTICE.

JUAN PABLO RABA

You mean against the bitchy Girl Scout mom?

JENNIFER GARNER

Not yet.

She is about to shoot him when...

YAYA GOSSELIN

Papá? Why does this lady make you look like a chump?

JENNIFER GARNER

A little girl?! OH FUCK

JUAN PABLO RABA

(stabs JENNIFER)

Don't call Papá a chump, mi vida. That's not nice.

JENNIFER GARNER

You'll pay for this if I don't bleed out!

(leaves)

JUAN PABLO RABA

Perfect! We'll use innocent little girls to get to her!

YAYA GOSSELIN

Papá?!

JUAN PABLO RABA

Oh... no, no, no, querida, not you. Here, take this and go right back to sleep.

(hands her a wad of cash)

YAYA GOSSELIN

(takes the cash)

(makes the "watching you" gesture at him)

INT. THE PART WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR

PELL opens the door to a disheveled, blood-stained JENNIFER.

PELL JAMES

Oh, how distasteful.

JENNIFER punches her SMUG FERRETY FACE and ties her to a CHAIR.

JENNIFER GARNER

Looks like I'm the one who's MINTY FRESH now.

(groans)

I got big on Alias. I should be a lot better at this.

She patches up her STAB WOUND with a MAXI PAD and leaves. STAYFREE®: KEEP MOVING.

EXT. THE FINAL SHOWDOWN

DET. JOHN GALLAGHER JR. and AGENT ANNIE arrive, spotting a MURAL of JENNIFER with ANGEL WINGS made out of ASSAULT RIFLES.

NRA SPOKESWOMAN DANA LOESCH

(gets a brilliant idea for T-shirts)

AGENT ANNIE ILONZEH

Well, I don't care if people here think she's a good woman with all the guns. Only we're allowed to put away criminals, and she's the worst criminal of all.

DET. JOHN GALLAGHER JR.

No, she's not.

(SHOOTS ANNIE WHAAAAAAAAT)

He tips off JUAN PABLO, who arrives with the remaining BAD HOMBRES and holds KYLA-DREW SIMMONS at GUNPOINT.

JUAN PABLO RABA

Come out, Jennifer! We've got the nearest little girl we could find!

KYLA-DREW SIMMONS

Serious question: What would you have done if you hadn't found me?

JUAN PABLO RABA

I dunno. Use one of the piñatas?

JENNIFER arrives.

JENNIFER GARNER

PEPPERMINT's here, and I'm in full effect.

JUAN PABLO RABA

(punches her)

JENNIFER GARNER

You won't make a MINT selling drugs much longer.

JUAN PABLO RABA

(punches her)

JENNIFER GARNER

SGT. PEPPER'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND!

JUAN PABLO RABA

Please stop.

JENNIFER GARNER

Okay.

(aims)

JUAN PABLO RABA

WAIT! You can't kill me! I have a little girl, remember?

JENNIFER GARNER

She's not here. Besides, YOU killed MY little girl. I'm standing my ground.

JUAN PABLO RABA

But MY little girl loves ice cream, too!

JENNIFER GARNER

(presses the muzzle against his forehead)

WHAT. FLAVOR.

JUAN PABLO RABA

Uh... cookies and cream?

JENNIFER GARNER

Wrong answer.

(shoots him)

And THIS is for working with him!

(shoots the other BAD HOMBRES)

And THIS is for being a dirty cop!

(shoots DET. JOHN GALLAGHER JR.)

And THIS is for being a non-dirty cop who was going to arrest me!

(shoots AGENT ANNIE'S STILL-WARM CORPSE)

And THIS is for... oh. Never mind.

(does not shoot KYLA-DREW)

And THIS is for making us stop for Jack-in-the-Box!

(shoots YEAR-OLD JUSTICE LEAGUE POSTER)

DET. JOHN ORTIZ

(rolls up)

I'm here! What did I miss?

JENNIFER GARNER

And THIS is for being useless!

(disappears)

COPS

(look rapidly from side to side, shrug)

DET. JOHN ORTIZ

Come on, you guys, we've all seen this movie before. Where else are we going to end this?

INT. HOSPITAL

DET. JOHN ORTIZ visits JENNIFER.

DET. JOHN ORTIZ

You've killed at least 30 people, blown up a judge's house, stolen a huge quantity of military-grade firearms, made the FBI and the LAPD look like complete incompetent morons, assaulted and forcibly confined a woman whose only crime was judging you, and said "justice" so many times that it no longer sounds like a word.

JENNIFER GARNER

So, prison for life?

DET. JOHN ORTIZ

No, actually, you've been given your own show on Fox News.

END

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