FADE IN:

INT. SCHOOL

HALEY JOEL OSMENT enters the school. He is wearing a SLEVELESS SHIRT and has been made up to look extra sweaty. He is clearly meant to be WHITE TRASH.

HALEY JOEL OSMENT

I enjoy wrestling. When I grow up, I want to be a boozehound.

KEVIN SPACEY

I am Academy Award winner Kevin Spacey. Please notice my burn marks. I am a social moron. My life sucks. Hey class, why don’t you all go change the fucking world?

HALEY JOEL OSMENT

Hmm. How about we all do something nice for people and they do something nice for other people? It’s so simple, it just has to be heartwarming!

He finds a homeless man, JAMES CAVIEZEL, who of course is a homeless person with a heart of gold.

JAMES CAVIEZEL

I appreciate the food and money and so forth. I shall get back on my feet in no time. Then, I shall PAY IT FORWARD!

INT. STRIP JOINT

HELEN HUNT waitresses in the bar.

HELEN HUNT

I have a heart of gold in addition to hair of blue. Please sympathize with my situation. I love my kid, what’s-his- face. Perhaps I should call him to develop that I actually give a shit about him.

She does this.

HALEY JOEL OSMENT

Hello?

HELEN HUNT

You’ll have to speak up, honey, my eye makeup has joined forces with my rouge and they’re traveling into my ear to see if they want to take it over.

HALEY JOEL OSMENT

Oh. Well, I’m busy innocently feeding a homeless guy played by James Caviezel. Bye, bitch. Er, mom.

INT. SCHOOL

HELEN HUNT storms in to find KEVIN SPACEY.

HELEN HUNT

You made my kid bring in the boyishly handsome, yet somewhat dark and brooding James Caviezel into my house! James Caviezel! Did you fucking SEE Frequency?

KEVIN SPACEY

I am struck by your beauty. How much per hour are you?

HELEN HUNT

What? Look mister, just because I’m an alcoholic that works in a strip joint and I wear whore makeup doesn’t mean.. hmm.. how much do whores make?

DIRECTOR MIMI LEDER

Hey, the prostitute thing is one cliche I’m leaving out of this trailer trash situation, give me some credit for at least that.

KEVIN SPACEY

I..uh..anyway, I’m burned and incapable of human interaction at a non-awkward level. Perhaps I shall insult you and make myself feel better. Fuck off.

She leaves, angry.

INT. HELEN HUNT’S HOME

She is DRINKING. HALEY responds by being freakishly mature for his age, which HALEY seems to love doing in all of his movies.

HALEY JOEL OSMENT

I think I will pay it forward to Kevin Spacey so he can get some damn poon tang. I, of course, have much to gain from this because I would gain a better father than Jon Bon Jovi. However, let’s ignore how much I get out of this and pretend I really am being totally selfless and paying it forward, which is the message of the movie. Actually, it’s not so much the message of the movie as it is a backdrop to the cliche romance between my mother and my teacher.

JAY MOHR

Perhaps I shall place more emphasis on the pay it forward concept by tracking where it all happened. I will do this at a vague, undefined time period which is obviously after the other events in the movie, but not long enough after them to figure out the chronological sequence of events in the film.

HALEY JOEL OSMENT

Whatever. Your story isn’t my concern, because it happens what appears to be about one week in the future. Maybe 2. Ah hell, I dunno. Regardless, Kevin, be my new daddy.

HELEN HUNT

Haley, you can’t just stick two people together and expect them to fall in love.

KEVIN SPACEY

You sure?

HELEN HUNT

Hmm. No, actually. I love you.

KEVIN SPACEY

I love you too. No, wait, I’m scared. Alright, I’m okay now. No, ack, I’m hate-filled and cynical! No, I’m loving and caring! Wait, okay, done. I love you.

JON BON JOVI

Hey everyone. Hit the road, Kruger.

KEVIN SPACEY

My low self confidence forces me to leave. I will be bitter and angry about it, though.

He leaves. HELEN runs after him to talk.

HELEN HUNT

I feel like I owe him another chance.. just to be sure.

KEVIN SPACEY

(angry)

Haven’t you been watching this damn movie?! Your life fits every cliche in the book! Of course he’s going to be abusive again! And he may go after Haley!

HELEN HUNT

He would never.

KEVIN SPACEY

(holding his oscar)

I didn’t think my dad would either. But when I was 16.. I pissed him off by telling him I’d kill him if he hurt my mom. Ask me what he did. Go ahead, ask me!

HELEN HUNT

No, actually, I think I got it. He burned you right?

KEVIN SPACEY

He dragged me out to the back yard and he poured water all over me..Ask me what it really was, instead of water!

HELEN HUNT

Oh. Gasoline. And he burned you. I dig.

KEVIN SPACEY

Well he lit a match.. And I saw the hate in his eyes. Ask me what he did next! ASK ME!

HELEN HUNT

Well, obviously he scorched you. I can understand why; did you play this “Ask me” game when you were 16 too?

KEVIN SPACEY

You need to leave Jon Bon Jovi! Maybe he won’t set your child ablaze, but all he has to do is not love him!

HELEN HUNT

You’re equating a lack of love with setting your kid on fire?

KEVIN SPACEY

Don’t harass the burnt guy, okay?

INT. SCHOOL

JAY MOHR

I found the kid that started the Pay It Forward craze.. I’m not entirely sure when I found him relative to when Kevin and Helen had their little falling out, but it’s definitely not been more than two years. Probably less than one. Yeah.

HALEY gets stabbed by some dude in his school!

HALEY JOEL OSMENT

Erp! I see myself.

AUDIENCE

So.. the message is, if you help people, really bad shit happens to you? I mean, the one guy went to jail.. Haley got stabbed..

DIRECTOR MIMI LEDER

Uh, no, no.. that’s not what I meant. Oh no, my heavy-handed direction and need for over-dramatization has yet again ruined an otherwise perfectly good film! Ok everyone, I’m never going to direct another movie ever again.

AUDIENCE

Does that mean we need to pay that forward? I don’t know that we can live up to that.

END