Someday, Chris knew, he'd have to admit the ship ran out of mayonnaise five months ago.


Someday, Chris knew, he'd have to admit the ship ran out of mayonnaise five months ago.

PASSENGERS

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. OUTER SPACE

A giant WINE BOTTLE OPENER flies through space. It flies FACE FIRST into a meteor storm, and the vessel is bombarded with asteroids. Oddly enough, this scene is beautifully symbolic of what SONY has been doing to their movies in recent years.

INT. STARSHIP - CRYO-BAY

Quirky, hot, and totally relatable CHRIS PRATT wakes up out of his CRYO-SLEEP.

CHRIS PRATT

Sorry guys, no zany space antics here. This is a serious, existential drama. Or a romantic comedy. Or a sci-fi adventure. No one's really sure. Either way, I get to show my butt.

CHEERFUL EXPOSITION HOLOGRAM LADY

Welcome to the S.S. Avalon! The S.S. stands for Stockholm Syndrome. You and your 5,000 fellow passengers have spent 120 years in cryosleep on the way to the newly colonized planet of Homestead II.

CHRIS PRATT

Yeah, we already read all that in the captions from two minutes ago...

CHEERFUL EXPOSITION HOLOGRAM LADY

Hush! The S.S. Avalon is a giant technologically advanced spaceship with everything you need! We have game rooms, restaurants, a movie theater, and also the most sophisticated A.I. technology, which we mainly use for show and is of no help if a problem were to arise. So, don't have any problems and you should be fine!

CHRIS walks out of the cryo-bay with nobody, finds his assigned room in a hallway with nobody, wakes up the next day and sees nobody, and then finds his orientation class that contains nobody.

CHRIS PRATT

Waaaaaiiiit a sec.... holy fuck am I alone? This is terrifying!!!

(checks script)

Oh, I mean, huh, how about that...

CHRIS finds the ship's super futuristic EMAIL THINGY.

CHRIS PRATT

(casually)

Hi, I got woken up early but I'm still 90 years away from our destination. I am now faced with the enormous existential crisis of living out the rest of my life alone and/or going insane. Oh, and the vending machine on Deck C is out of Mrs. Vickie's Lime and Black Pepper chips. 'Kay bye.

INT. SPACE BAR

CHRIS finds his way into a bar that looks like it was ripped off from THE SHINING.

CHRIS PRATT

Yeah, what's that about? I mean, ahem, finally! Another person!

MICHAEL SHEEN

Oh no, hahaha, I'm just a robot, programmed to tend bar and that's it! I have no way of sounding alarms, alerting the crew, or offering any other help in general! It's a wonder why they even kept me activated during this time at all.

CHRIS PRATT

What am I going to do, Michael? I've tried communicating with Earth but to no avail! And none of these asshole computers even know what's going on!

MICHAEL SHEEN

Why don't you try breaking into the crew quarters?

CHRIS PRATT

I tried. The door wouldn't budge. It's funny how everyone was arrogant enough to think that nothing would go wrong on this ship but they still felt the need to barricade the crew behind reinforced steel.

MICHAEL SHEEN

Well, why don't you get something to eat? I heard you can get Starbucks-like, pretentious coffee drinks in the cafeteria!

CHRIS PRATT

Tried that too. My passenger status only allows me to have three-day-old Dunkin Donuts coffee with cigarette butts in it.

MICHAEL SHEEN

Ah. Then perhaps I can interest you in our limitless supply of whiskey that was calibrated to keep 5,000 people utterly shitfaced for four straight months.

CHRIS PRATT

NOW you're talking!

CHRIS gives up on being rescued and begins his new life as WILL FORTE in THE LAST MAN ON EARTH.

CHRIS PRATT

I've spent a whole year on this ship, and I'm becoming desperately lonely. I eat nothing but junk food, and have most likely become an alcoholic. But isn't it great that I still have my muscular physique?

MICHAEL SHEEN

Wait, a whole year? You mean that montage of you playing interactive hologram basketball and Dance Dance Revolution was supposed to represent an entire year? That looked like two days worth of stuff, tops!

CHRIS PRATT

Nuh uh! Maybe you didn't notice my ridiculously fake looking wig and beard! I mean, it's really hard not to.

MICHAEL SHEEN

Yeah and I meant to ask, why do you have that beard anyway? That kind of thing is usually held for movies about someone being trapped on an island with nothing and resorting back to his animal nature. Not guys on futuristic space vessels with every resource at their fingertips.

CHRIS PRATT

Well it's the only way we know how to show loneliness and desperation, so hideous fake beard it is! I mean, it's either that or... gulp!... ACTING...

(shudders)

INT. AIRLOCK THING

CHRIS finds a part of the ship where passengers can SPACEWALK while being tethered to the ship.

CHRIS PRATT

Oh hey, a spacesuit! And whatdya know, it has my exact measurements! Welp, maybe I'll check out the graphics this big budget movie came up with. That might cheer me up!

CHRIS SPACEWALKS and finds himself floating inside a Windows '98 STARFIELD SCREENSAVER.

CHRIS PRATT

Maybe I should just kill myself.

He contemplates killing himself, but then doesn't. Back inside, he slips on a bottle of FATE or WHATEVER and finds the pod of quirky, hot, and totally relatable JENNIFER LAWRENCE!

CHRIS PRATT

Wow! 5,000 passengers on this ship and I run into the only other A-list actor! It's like a movie producer's wet dream or something!

CHRIS goes to the ship's super futuristic PASSENGER PROFILE THINGY and finds her interview.

INTERVIEWER

(on video)

So Jennifer, it's important for our interstellar colonization planners to know, what are some random things that might make you fall in love with someone?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(on video)

I'm so glad you asked! Well for one thing, cinnamon raisin buns get me wetter than Thailand during monsoon season...

CHRIS PRATT

(furiously taking notes)

INT. BACK AT THE SPACE BAR

CHRIS PRATT

Michael, I'm thinking about waking up Jennifer Lawrence out of cryo-sleep.

MICHAEL SHEEN

Well it's a good plan, if it wasn't the most morally reprehensible thing you could possibly do.

CHRIS PRATT

No! I think I'm in love with her!

MICHAEL SHEEN

So you're going to subject her to the same horrible fate as you? And how are you in love with her anyway? You studied her Match.com profile for like, a day.

CHRIS PRATT

But she's so purdy....

MICHAEL SHEEN

So? What if it turns out she's got the personality of Gwyneth Paltrow? You want to be stuck with that for the rest of your life?

CHRIS PRATT

You're right. I can't wake her up...

(shaving off his beard)

It's wrong....

(putting on nice clothes)

It's immoral, selfish, and creepy.

(pause)

There, now that I have said it myself out loud, we can all agree that I could eventually be redeemed right?

MICHAEL SHEEN

Can't you at least toy with the idea of waking up a scientist or another engineer or something?

CHRIS PRATT

(sabotaging Jennifer's pod)

Whoops, look at that, too late!

JENNIFER wakes up!

CHRIS PRATT

Heh, oh hey. So eh, nothing like a good 30 years of sleep to make you feel refreshed amiright?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

What the fuck?!

CHRIS PRATT

You've woken up 89 years too early. Your pod was accidentally set to Tassimo instead of Keurig. ...Yeah, that's it.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Shit! But any error like that will surely trip some alarms, right? Wake up emergency crew members? Alert Earth? Anything?!?

CHRIS PRATT

Nope. The creators of this ship have a Titanic level of arrogance about how perfect it is. There's not even a sprinkler system in place. Sure, they built sensors and displays to let the bridge crew know something went wrong, but then they stopped RIGHT the fuck there.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

And there's no way for us to go back into cryosleep?

CHRIS PRATT

Nope again. Remember, our pods only MAINTAIN cryosleep. Earth had a separate machine to put us INTO cryosleep. Without THAT machine, we are fucked.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Oh, if only we had that other machine! You could cryo-sleep me, repair my pod, and put me back, then cryo-sleep yourself! Truly, we must remember this conversation, should such a machine ever turn up somewhere on this enormous ship.

CHRIS PRATT

Yes, should that blessed day ever come, we must remember!

INT. SPACESHIP

After a few days (or months, who knows) of searching for rescue, JENNIFER eventually gives up. She also swims in a pool wearing only a white mesh bikini because JENNIFER LAWRENCE.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Welp, I guess we can get on with our super hot, on screen chemistry that just so happens to be the main selling point of this movie.

CHRIS PRATT

Great! Okay, so on our first date, I'll take you to a robot restaurant where we can make awkward jokes, then to Robosheen's bar even though we go there every night, and then I'll take you on that spacewalk that made me want to kill myself a few months ago!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

I love you. Let's have some relatively tame love scenes!

They DO. They fall in love and move in together.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Check it out, my first-class passenger status lets me order food that's not reconstituted bear shit! Plus, I can access more than one video game, AND get paid $8 million more than you for what's essentially a supporting role.

CHRIS PRATT

Awesome! And now, for your birthday, the ship's gonna fly approximately ten feet away from a raging star! Which is both QUITE the coincidence AND some pretty godawful flight planning!

INT. BACK AT THE SPACE BAR WHERE CHRIS ESCAPES TO RUN UP A TAB

CHRIS brings JENNIFER to the bar to PROPOSE to her, but is sadly unaware that the SITCOM DRAMATIC TIMING DAMPENERS have already gone OFFLINE.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Hey Robosheen, you've got to read these articles I wrote on systematic racism. I just showed Chris and he is now WOKE AF!

MICHAEL SHEEN

WOKE? Oh, like how he WOKE you up? HA!

CHRIS PRATT

WHAT. THE. FUCK. BRO?!

MICHAEL SHEEN

Whoopsies!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(mind snaps in half)

CHRIS PRATT

Jennifer, please forgive me! I love you! Look, I even planted a tree in the middle of the ship's metal floor to represent love or life or something!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Are you out of your mind? How does that tree even get any nutrients? And also, how could I possibly forgive you?! You’ve murdered me! AND you've betrayed me far beyond what anyone could be expected to forget! Even if I allow for the fact that you were driven completely mad by isolation, the BEST case is we learn to co-exist. MAYBE.

CHRIS PRATT

Well that's fair! What if we spend the rest of the movie examining the particulars of that? Like how we could slowly reach a point where we can once more interact, perhaps even regretting our lost love but also understanding that due to my actions, it can never be?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

That sounds like a mature and reasonable way for the story to resolve itself-OH NO THE SHIP IS GOING BOOM! AND OTHER LOUD NOISES!

CHRIS PRATT

OH WELL I GUESS WE CAN PUT OUR ISSUES ON THE BACK BURNER!

Suddenly, LAURENCE FISHBURNE is there now!

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Hey guys. It seems my pod malfunctioned too. And I just so happen to be in the command crew!

CHRIS PRATT

How coincidentally awesome!

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Okay so the reason why parts of the ship are malfunctioning is because the ship was hit with asteroids about 2 years ago, causing malfunctions that in turn caused more malfunctions, because nothing on this ship has any redundancy or failsafe or containment devices AT ALL.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Okay great! So now you can help us repair the ship and then hopefully find a way to get us all back into hibernation-

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Uh actually, as it turns out, I'm dying. Here, take my wristband. It will get you into all the other parts of the ship you couldn't access. And remember, you've got about 5,000 people to save. Don't fuck up!

(shuffles off)

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Any chance you could help try and save the ship before you kick the bucket?

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

(waits five hours)

Nope.

(dies)

INT. ENGINE ROOM

CHRIS PRATT

Okay, so the fusion engine is all zappy kablooey sparky warky. It needs to be vented out, but it looks like I can only vent it from the outside.

(spacewalks to outside)

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

I will argue against this! I don't want you to die and leave me alone! This completely contradicts my hatred for you from 10 minutes ago!

CHRIS PRATT

Just open the vent! The vent that was not broken by the asteroid... just broken on its own!

(pause)

Man this ship sucks.

JENNIFER flips the switch and the reactor VENTS directly at CHRIS!!! CHRIS... IS DEAD!!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

NOOOOO

BUT WAIT! Somehow CHRIS SURVIVES the conflagration and is flung into space... directly towards the ENGINE ZAPPY FIELD, and CERTAIN DEATH! CHRIS... is DONE FOR!!

CHRIS PRATT

NOOOOOOO

BUT WAIT! For once in the history of space movies, he thinks of THROWING something towards the danger, propelling him AWAY from it! However his AIR runs out!! CHRIS... IS DEAD!!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

NOOOOOOOO

BUT WAIT! JENNIFER gets in a space suit and goes to rescue him! Sadly, her tether is TOO SHORT! CHRIS... IS DEAD!!!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

NOOOOOOOOOOO

BUT WAIT! JENNIFER is able to grab hold of CHRIS’S tether! She gets him inside to the MEDICAL TUBE but... it’s TOO LATE!! CHRIS... IS DEAD!!!!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

BUT WAIT!! She remembers about LAURENCE’S override key which gives her access to the REVIVAL function, and activates it! Sadly however, it DOESN’T WORK! CHRIS... IS DEAD!!!!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

But then... IT DOES WORK!! CHRIS is STILL ALIVE!!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

YAAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!!

CHRIS PRATT

Phew! That was too, too, too, too, too, TOO close. And hey, with Laurence’s command access, this medical tube can actually put somebody INTO cryo-sleep, how about that.

(thinks)

Hm, did we have a conversation about that once?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(thinks)

Hmmmmmmm.

CHRIS PRATT

Guess not! Anyway, I'll give you the choice to go back to sleep, so at least I'm TRYING to make up for what I did.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

I will decline because all of the stress and trauma of the last 20 minutes has mindfucked us into thinking that we're in love again!

THIS is their decision!

INT. SPACESHIP - 89 YEARS LATER

All the other passengers and crew members wake up, including ANDY GARCIA?!?

ANDY GARCIA

What the... Were all my other scenes cut out?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE (V.O.)

Hello everyone. So it turns out Chris and I decided to spend the rest of our lives on this lonely, metal ship. I assume that by the time we died we were both batshit crazy. Anyway, maybe we had kids or maybe we didn't, who knows... And uh, I'm not really sure where our dead bodies are right now... And yeah, we most likely ate all of your food, and used up all the resources, but isn't it great how we wrapped this thought-provoking existential drama up in a nice little bow?

ANDY GARCIA

No, fuck this I'm getting some lines dammit--

END

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