In the future, orthodontists will be genetically engineered to fit inside our mouths.


In the future, orthodontists will be genetically engineered to fit inside our mouths.

PAN'S LABYRINTH

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. SPAIN - 1944

IVANA BAQUERO and her pregnant mother ARIADNA GIL move to FACIST POST-WAR SPAIN.

IVANA BAQUERO

Yo soy una niña pequeña qui-

ARIADNA GIL

Ivana, you naughty girl, turn the subtitles on before speaking! Better, don't speak at all! Just wear pretty dresses and quit reading books because they make you stupid.

IVANA BAQUERO

I already can't wait for you to die.

The carriage stops RIGHT NEXT TO a MYSTERIOUS IDOL that a GIANT BUG crawls out of.

IVANA BAQUERO

That's not TOO bad of a plot contrivance. It's not like I'm the reincarnation of the princess that bug just happens to be looking for. Onward we go!

IVANA meets her stepfather, SERGI LOPEZ.

GIANT BUG

Look at me! I'm important!

SERGI LOPEZ

So this is the stupid little female. You suck, female. Ariadna, when can you squeeze out a son for me?

ARIADNA GIL

We don't know yet if our baby is a girl or a-

SERGI LOPEZ

NO IT'LL BE A BOY FUCK YOU WIFE! Stay in bed until you have my damn baby! I don't care if you die in childbirth! GAHHHHHH!

GIANT BUG

Hey, over here! I look weird!

SERGI proceeds to MURDER SOME RANDOM PEDESTRIANS by literally BASHING IN THEIR FACES.

IVANA BAQUERO

Um, has there ever been a movie step-relative who wasn't a jerk, liar, or psycho?

ARIADNA GIL

Quiet, Ivana. Tell your far superior unborn BROTHER a bedtime story.

IVANA BAQUERO

Once upon a time there was a rose of immortality surrounded by poison thorns and The End.

ARIADNA GIL

I sure hope this movie's story is better than that one.

GIANT BUG

Why aren't you looking at me? Look at meeeeee!

IVANA follows the BUG outside into a nearby stone labyrinth, despite the BUG looking capable of GOUGING HER EYES OUT from the BACK OF HER HEAD.

INT. TECHNICALLY A MAZE

IVANA walks through the "LABYRINTH" and finds an IDOL/PILLAR in the center with a FAUN.

FAUN

Good Gracious, a Daughter of Eve! From the land of Spare 'Oom!

Oops, wrong Faun. It's actually DOUG JONES in a RAM MASCOT SUIT.

DOUG JONES

Como estoy... estas... mi chiko niña, uh, nin-

IVANA BAQUERO

You don't speak Spanish, do you?

DOUG JONES

God I hope these random syllables mean something.

(checks script)

Um, "Complete 3 tasks and I will take you to be princess of fairy-land."

IVANA BAQUERO

No way, you're a child molester!

DOUG JONES

No es verdad, tu perra sexualmente deliciosa.

(to director)

That's my line, right?

IVANA BAQUERO

You're Pan. The Greek God famous for his sexual powers and teaching shepherds to masturbate. And you're hanging out with a 10-YEAR-OLD GIRL.

DOUG JONES

Please, Americans don't know who Pan is. We'll change the title in other countries. Here's items for your inventory.

(vanishes)

IVANA gains QUEST BOOK and BAG OF ROCKS but sadly not NORDIC ARMOR.

EXT. THE NEXT DAY

IVANA opens the QUEST BOOK to a big picture of a TREE, helpfully labeled "Tree" in case she needed a hint.

IVANA BAQUERO

Okay, Task 1 is to climb under the tree and put the stones in a giant toad's mouth.

(pause)

Hmm, if those Portal/Idol things are all over the world, what would the task be if I'd found a different one? There isn't a large toad for each of them, is there?

IVANA wanders around the woods where SERGI'S ARMY is riding around SHOOTING EVERYTHING THAT MOVES. Somehow IVANA thinks this is safe and crawls through a long tunnel when the TOAD appears BEHIND HER.

IVANA BAQUERO

Alright, how did you get behind me? Eat these stones!

TOAD

(eating)

Gah, you bought these at Arby's, didn't you?! BLEUGH!

(vomits innards)

IVANA acquires GOLDEN KEY but the book won't tell her what Task 2 is.

DOUG JONES

Why didn't you complete the Task 2?

IVANA BAQUERO

I couldn't, the book wouldn't tell me how! And my mom got sick.

DOUG JONES

Here, this Mandrake-that-totally-isn't-a-voodoo-doll will heal her.

IVANA BAQUERO

Oh, like in Harry Potter.

DOUG JONES

NO NOTHING LIKE HARRY POTTER! Now take the golden prize you got from the Task 1 monster and use it to complete Task 2. Task 3 will be to reach the center of a maze with moving walls. Oh, for Task 2 you'll need this gillywee- uh, magic chalk.

(pause)

Noooooothing like Harry Potter.

IVANA BAQUERO

Can I also have some fairies? I promise to ignore everything they tell me!

DOUG JONES

Sure, here. Use the chalk to teleport to a room with a big feast. If you eat anything, you'll die. You have only a few minutes to get the next object, so go fast.

(vanishes)

IVANA walks through the MAGIC HALLWAY as SLOWLY as if STANLEY KUBRICK was directing. She finds the FEAST and its motionless PALE GUY GUARD. Pictures of the pale guy STABBING CHILDREN and a pile of DEAD CHILDREN SHOES are also there.

FAIRIES

Unlock this door!

IVANA BAQUERO

No, I'm going to unlock this other door instead and acquire KNIFE, which I assume is the object I need and not something else in the door you told me to go through.

(checks watch)

Still have some time left... Might as well eat some of this food!

(eats)

FAIRIES

WHAT THE FUCK? DO YOU NOT SEE THE PICTURES OF THIS GUY SLAUGHTERING KIDS? DIDN'T YOU HEAR DOUG?

IVANA BAQUERO

(ignoring the slowly approaching monster)

Maybe the food is cursed so it's too delicious to resist?

FAIRIES

Everything on that table looks like it's been sitting out for days! Why would you-

The PALE GUY puts EYEBALLS in his HANDS, becoming THE ONLY THING YOU REMEMBER FROM THE MOVIE. He GORMANDIZES the fairies while IVANA stands there watching.

EVERY SINGLE AUDIENCE MEMBER NO EXCEPTIONS

(yelling at screen)

GOD DAMN RUN YOU STUPID GIRL

IVANA BAQUERO

I can't decide if that's the best option...

FAIRIES

(getting devoured)

We've lost all sympathy.

IVANA finally RUNS while the monster BLUNDERS AFTER HER.

IVANA BAQUERO

Look, he can't even see me and grab me at the same time! I could beat this guy by walking sideways, how is this even scary?

She uses CHALK to climb through the CEILING instead of the WALL. This makes even LESS SENSE than you think.

DOUG JONES

You've failed, Ivana. End of movie.

IVANA BAQUERO

I'm sorry, but the whole scene was so stupid! And the actor who played that monster was really ugly.

DOUG JONES

Shut up! He's a really sexy actor! You know what'd make him even SEXIER? Goat horns, I bet! Now he's going to FUCK OFF and teach the makeup department how shepherds have fun! You'll never see him again!

(vanishes)

Without a FAIRY TALE STORYLINE, the movie becomes a WAR FILM. People are SHOT and TORTURED and AMPUTATED and LETHALLY INJECTED and SHOT MORE and BURNED ALIVE and ARIADNA DIES and SERGI gets his MOUTH SLICED OPEN and STUFF EXPLODES.

DOUG JONES

Holy Christ, you get another chance. Task 3 is to bring your newborn baby brother to the labyrinth. Since you're locked in your room, use the chalk to get out.

IVANA BAQUERO

So, go back through the world of the silly eyeball/hand guy. Got it.

IVANA escapes her room with CHALK, proving ALL THE MAGIC IS REAL, whatever else might be implied later.

EXT. LABYRINTH

IVANA gains BABY BROTHER but SERGI sees her. She runs into the MAZE as he STAGGERS AFTER HER in an INSANE MURDEROUS RAGE.

SERGI LOPEZ

Why do I feel like Jack Nicholson?

IVANA hits a DEAD END.

IVANA BAQUERO

No problem! If I jump at this corner and press B twice while holding R it should-

(path to center opens)

There we go! I've reached the Triwizard Portal!

DOUG JONES

But to open the Portal, we need a drop of baby blood!

IVANA BAQUERO

Oh good, at least you don't need MY blood. If the whole 3-task-thing was a setup to get MY blood all along, we'd be very close to Harr-

DOUG JONES

SHUT UP. Give me the baby.

IVANA BAQUERO

I don't trust you with my brother!

DOUG JONES

Okay, here's the knife, do it yourself. Really, we only need one drop. That can't hurt him.

IVANA BAQUERO

I refuse!

DOUG JONES

Putas. Activating Default Action.

(disapperates)

(wait, I mean vanishes)

SERGI appears, takes the baby, SHOOTS IVANA, then the WAR FILM barges in and KILLS HIM. IVANA wakes up in HAPPY HEAVEN LAND.

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE

Ivana, you brave girl! The whole 3-task-thing was a setup to get YOUR blood all along! Your sacrifice has brought you to this afterlife with me! Now climb up on your impractically 50-foot-high throne.

IVANA BAQUERO

(sighing)

Can we do something to make this less Potter-esque? I'm not going to come back and have a wand-duel with Sergi, am I?

DOUG JONES

Well, we could imply this is all imaginary, happening as you lay dying.

IVANA BAQUERO

Ah, ambiguity! Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE

Of course it is happening inside your head, Ivana, but why on Earth should that mean it's not real?

IVANA BAQUERO

God DAMMIT.

GUILLERMO DEL TORO decides high-quality fantasies are TOO MUCH WORK and devotes his life to CGI ROBOT MASTURBATION instead.

FIN


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