Some fans turned to the spirit world to find an explanation for Rene Zellweger's new look.


Some fans turned to the spirit world to find an explanation for Rene Zellweger's new look.

OUIJA

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. SLUMBER PARTY

YOUNG OLIVIA COOKE and YOUNG SHELLEY HENNIG are playing with a OUIJA BOARD.

YOUNG SHELLEY

What moron buys their tween daughter a Ouija board?

YOUNG OLIVIA

Shut up while I explain these all-important Ouija rules, which we will not give two shits about after this sentence.

SHELLEY HENNIG

Wow, I really hope this seemingly innocent introduction into the supernatural doesn’t lead to my untimely death.

(hangs self with Christmas lights)

INT. SHELLEY’S HOUSE

OLIVIA guilts her friends into using the Ouija board to contact SHELLEY’S SPIRIT.

OLIVIA COOKE

We must conduct this seance where Shelley died so it’s a good thing her parents agreed to leave town while we use their house to summon their dead daughter’s ghost a week after she apparently killed herself.

DAREN KAGASOFF

As your boyfriend, I’m only going along with this in the hopes of talking you into anal later.

ANA COTO

I’m Olivia’s sister and those are all of my character traits.

DOUGLAS SMITH

I’m the guy who was dating Shelley before she died and

(dull)

BIANCA A. SANTOS

(is also there)

They use the OUIJA BOARD and, surprise, CONJURE up an EVIL SPIRIT.

OLIVIA COOKE

Oh my God! Who would have thought we would experience some Paranormal Activity?!

DAREN KAGASOFF

Playing with this Ouija board turned out to be a really bad idea!

OLIVIA COOKE

I know! The only way to stop these strange happenings is to... keep on playing with the Ouija board!

BIANCA A. SANTOS

Agreed!

DOUGLAS SMITH

We are such idiots!

ANA COTO

(squinting)

Hey, you guys see that thing coming at us? It’s like a mile away.

ANA COTO

(squinting)

Yeah! I see it too! Here it comes!

JUMP SCARE

BOOOOOOO!!!!

ANA COTO

Aaaaaand there it goes!

The OUIJA BOARD starts to move all by its DAMN SELF. It tells them to “RUN”!

DOUGLAS SMITH

Hey, that actually sounds like pretty good advice!

OLIVIA COOKE

No! Let’s all stay put and keep on using the Ouija board instead!

They DO this. Because they are SKULL-CRUSHINGLY RETARDED.

OLIVIA COOKE

(Ouijaing)

Is this Shelley’s spirit we are talking to?

OUIJA BOARD

Nope! Now I’m going to kill you all. Who wants to die first? I don’t see a black guy in the group so I’m not sure where to start.

BIANCA A. SANTOS

Well I’m Hispanic so

(dead)

OLIVIA COOKE

Google says some psychic woman lived in Shelley’s house until one of her daughters went missing. I'll go visit the woman's only surviving daughter, Lin Shaye, who is in an old folks home.

LIN SHAYE

(crazy)

My mother is the spirit terrorizing you. She used to summon spirits and they talked through my sister, but then the spirits wouldn't shut the fuck up about being all dead and shit so mommy sowed my sis’s mouth shut and then they both died, or something. Find my sister's body in the house and cut through the stitches on her mouth! That should do the trick!

OLIVIA does this and it JUST MAKES EVERYTHING WORSE.

LIN SHAYE

Haha! Fooled you! My sister was actually the evil one! Didn’t I just tell you she was inhabited by spirits? How could you not think that would turn her into a demonic twat? Or do you just believe everything a senile old woman in a nursing home tells you?

ANA COTO

Nice job Olivia! You just let a demonic little girl loose on all of us, you dipshit!

OLIVIA COOKE

Wait, but she was able to kill Shelley and Bianca even before that, so how did me cutting her mouth stitches “set her free”?

ANA COTO

Because we needed a third act plot twist, and because that’s what happened in The Ring. Duh!

Meanwhile DAREN and DOUGLAS get all kinds of DEAD, which would be tragic if anybody actually CARED ABOUT THOSE LOSERS.

OLIVIA COOKE

I talked to my maid and she says we have to go get the little demon girl’s body and burn it with the Ouija board.

ANA COTO

Because the help is always well versed in how to kill evil spirits.

OLIVIA COOKE

And lucky for us we didn't already alert the authorities to the mummified child corpse in Shelley's basement and instead just... left it there to stink up the joint? There really is no excuse why we didn't tell anyone about the dead chick in Shelley's house.

They try to torch DEMON GIRL's corpse, but she's not trying to have ANY of that shit.

DEMON GIRL

Won’t anyone even try to look at this from MY perspective? My mother let dead spirits into my body. I have every right to be pissed off.

OLIVIA COOKE

Would you say you have a... Grudge?

ANA COTO

Or maybe you’re feeling a tad... Insidious?

OLIVIA COOKE

Ooh ooh, or Sinister! Don’t forget that one!

DEMON GIRL

GRRR!! FUCK YOU CUNTS!!! I AM MY OWN UNIQUE MOVIE MONSTER WHICH IS TOTALLY UNLIKE ANY OF THOSE OTHER SHITTY HORROR MONSTERS AND I'M WAY SCARIER TOO!!!

SHELLEY HENNIG’S SPIRIT

(appearing)

Bitch, please. Even Annabelle is scarier than you, and her face isn't NEARLY as jacked up as yours.

(pimp-slaps Demon Girl)

That gives OLIVIA the chance to throw DEMON GIRL’S BODY and the OUIJA BOARD into some fire and she DIES. AGAIN. MAYBE.

MOVIE STUDIO

Great, now let’s dump this turd in October so it can miraculously make 10 times its budget back, which is the only truly terrifying thing about this entire mess.

Sensing a winning formula, HASBRO immediately begins development on TA-BOOO!!, CHUTES & DAGGERS, SCATTER-GORE-IES, SCAREBBLE, and most horrifying of all, PICTIONARY!

GOD HELP US.

END

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