Kleenex: The Movie


Kleenex: The Movie

ODDBALL

The Very Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. AUSTRALIA (NON-APOCALYPTIC)

CUE: ADORABLE MUSIC

NARRATOR

This is an adorable story about an adorable farmer who owned an adorable dog and had an adorable granddaughter. They lived in an adorable town with an adorable penguin colony. But those penguins were being slaughtered each night by some adorable foxes!

(beat)

I should stop talking.

SHANE JACOBSON

Oh I wish people would stop being mean to poor Oddball! He’s not a bad dog, just...curious!

ODDBALL

(destroys town's entire tourism industry)

(not an exaggeration)

SHANE'S GRANDDAUGHTER

Oddball’s been threatened with impoundment by the town council! We need prove he’s a good dog!

ALAN TUDYK

Well, given his tendency to wreck massive property- wait, I’m in this?

SHANE JACOBSON

Hmmm, Oddball’s a demolition machine that destroys everything in his path, so...let’s put him in the endangered penguin sanctuary!

SHANE'S GRANDDAUGHTER

That series of thoughts have no logical connections whatsoever.

SHANE JACOBSON

He can act as a guard dog! If he stops the adorable foxes eating the penguins, they won’t close my daughter’s penguin sanctuary.

SHANE'S GRANDDAUGHTER

You own a much better fox-hunting guard dog. That was nearly the first thing we established about you. If you really cared about your daughter’s penguin sanctuary, you would send him instead.

ALAN TUDYK

Plus, the first thing we established about Oddball is that he’s a terrible fox-catcher. No, I still don’t know why I’m in this. I'm a superb actor, but this is still weird.

SHANE JACOBSON

It will work! It has to because this film is based on a true story!

SHANE'S GRANDDAUGHTER

I don’t know. Your family never participated in penguin-rescuing. That’s me and ninety percent of the movie gone.

SHANE JACOBSON

Aw, nuts to both of you. At least this film will be filled with drama and emotion. Everyone knows that a movie that’s slightly partly nearly true is automatically entertaining; regardless of how well it’s written, directed or acted.

SHANE'S GRANDDAUGHTER

So what have we got in terms of conflict and tension?

SHANE JACOBSON

We’ve got plenty of conflict and tension! Like our epic struggle to train Oddball as a-

SHANE'S GRANDDAUGHTER

He’s already transformed into a perfect guard dog. Without our help. Somehow.

SHANE JACOBSON

Well, how about tension in how your mother reacts when she finds out we’ve been lying to her about this dangerous experiment?

SHANE'S GRANDDAUGHTER

She’s cool with it.

SHANE JACOBSON

Well, there’s got to be tension in winning over the town council! They were trying to kill Oddball at the start of-

TOWN COUNCIL

We're fine.

SHANE JACOBSON

(beat)

Fuck it. Car chase.

They have a fucking CAR CHASE.

ALAN TUDYK

Goddammit. The Australians can't even make a nature film without adding in a car chase. That is so disappointing.

(beat)

Wait, did I say disappointing? I meant AWESOME.

SHANE JACOBSON

That was fun! Well, back to our quiet pastoral nature preservation story!

SHANE'S GRANDDAUGHTER

A story so slight we needed to add a romance subplot, a mystery subplot, and a family drama subplot.

ALAN TUDYK

And an “action-packed” climax with tranquilizer guns. Which, considering this movie’s complete disengagement with reality, could have easily been done with real guns.

(beat)

Although we did get to learn that tranquilizer darts apparently make you a) drunk and b) talk like a pirate.

SHANE JACOBSON

To heck with your negativity! We've given Oddball a happy end-

SHANE'S GRANDDAUGHTER

We still haven't reached ninety minutes.

SHANE JACOBSON

What? Not even after all those subplots? Okay, um-

(eyes tear up)

Did I mention that my wife died working on this sanctuary? I may have finally found closure!

ALAN TUDYK

She never died. She left you, and took Oddball with her, and- why am I bringing facts into this just now?

The film closes before anyone can add an ALIEN INVASION or a SUPERHERO ORIGIN subplot.

END

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