The Abridged Script
RENEE ZELLWEGER is a waitress in a diner.
I am obsessed with A Soap Opera called With One Testicle Left. I shall continue watching as I pour academy award-nominated actor Morgan Freeman a cup of coffee.
Wow, that is really impressive. I think I am in love with this woman. Check out the set of poise on her.
Happy Birthday, Renee! We will give you a cardboard cutout of Greg Kinnear, which the audience assumes will play some comic role later in the film, but it will not!
Oh gosh! I have the best friends in the world! It is a shame my husband is such a despicable motherfucker, though, isn't it? Ha ha!
INT. RENEE'S HOME
(just finishing fucking his secretary)
I'm a motherfucking asshole. Check it out: I don't like people of different races nor do I find people other than myself intelligent! I shall now eat Renee's Birthday Cupcake! I am so deliciously inconsiderate! Ok bitch, I'm going to finish a deal with a talented actor and a loudmouth comic trying to ride into hollywood on reputation and pop culture likeability. I'll be back later, and if these dishes aren't cleaned up, I may or may not beat you.
Okay, honey! I am so sweet I give myself cavities!
INT. RENEE'S HOME - LATER
MORGAN FREEMAN and CHRIS ROCK have tied up ASSHOLE.
What's wrong with you niggers?
RENEE watches her soap opera on tv in a cute, innocent manner.
This movie is so sweet and tender.
ASSHOLE is scalped in a freakishly bloody way. His brain exposed, he tramples around the house, gyrating and crashing into things. He trails blood all over the living room, screaming in agony and crying tears of blood. MORGAN shoots him, but it only makes matters worse, as a new bullet hole begins to discharge blood all over the carpet. CHRIS ROCK tries to fix the problem by shoving a red-hot poker into ASSHOLE'S neck. ASSHOLE swings backwards, reacting to the endless pain, causing the poker to knock over an elaborately set up collection of glass shards, all of which fall into ASSHOLE'S body. He falls backwards, landing on the ground and pushing the shards of glass behind him up through his body. They puncture the topmost layer of skin, bleeding into the air. Eventually, ASSHOLE DIES.
Sweet and tender, don't forget it. Now, in a sweet and tender way, I will have a humorous delusional reaction to what I just saw and look for Greg Kinnear.
She leaves. INEPT COP and GEORGE MCFLY follow her. So do MORGAN and CHRIS.
Let us take a comment to note the fact that Renee is white, whereas I am black, and that I find this turn of events humorous. Renee almost definitely has no rhythm and I feel that she is too skinny.
RENEE fantasies about GREG. TIA TEXADA offers her a place to live. Then she, when she realizes RENEE is disturbed and in need of mental help, decides to vindictively destroy RENEE'S hopes and dreams for her own sadistic enjoyment.
I have tickets which you may use to meet Greg! Let's go together to this thing so that I can watch Greg humiliate you and possibly drive you to suicide!
Greg, I am a psychopath.
But a very lovable psychopath. Let's have sex.
I want to put you on television.
Oh no, suddenly reality is hitting. I am starting to realize that neither the actor or the character even can live up to my fantasies and expectations. I created a universe inside my brain and expected it to translate into the
outside world. I see that is not the case as harsh reality sets in.
Check out my crooked grin.
INT. TIA'S HOME
I'm leaving, Tia. I have realized the fruitlessness of my quest.
Should I feel guilt about being the very person who instigated this whole thing? Probably.
Suddenly, CHRIS and MORGAN arrive with guns. Then STUPID COP and GEORGE MCFLY arrive in order to have a SLAPSTICK SHOOTOUT.
MORGAN takes RENEE into a bedroom to talk.
So finally I have found you. I have dreams about you. I think I love you.
He drops his gun. Renee picks it up and points it at him.
Oh no! The real person could not live up to my dreams and fantasies either. I have been just as misguided as Renee, under the delusion of my own hopes. I now see all is hopeless and all is lost. Oh shit, my child just got shot.
I was killed cause I'm black.. *croak*
MORGAN is killed. GEORGE marries TIA. RENEE goes to Europe and enjoys success and happiness. We are treated to a cheesy epilogue.
Excuse me, waiter?
The WAITER ignores her and gives her the check while watching the soap opera she is now on. He somehow manages not to notice he gave the check to the woman he's watching.