"Sonny, I will assure you there most definitely is sex in the champagne room."


"Sonny, I will assure you there most definitely is sex in the champagne room."

NURSE BETTY

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. DINER

RENEE ZELLWEGER is a waitress in a diner.

RENEE ZELLWEGER

I am obsessed with A Soap Opera called With One Testicle Left. I shall continue watching as I pour academy award-nominated actor Morgan Freeman a cup of coffee.

MORGAN FREEMAN

Wow, that is really impressive. I think I am in love with this woman. Check out the set of poise on her.

RENEE'S FRIENDS

Happy Birthday, Renee! We will give you a cardboard cutout of Greg Kinnear, which the audience assumes will play some comic role later in the film, but it will not!

RENEE ZELLWEGER

Oh gosh! I have the best friends in the world! It is a shame my husband is such a despicable motherfucker, though, isn't it? Ha ha!

INT. RENEE'S HOME

ASSHOLE HUSBAND

(just finishing fucking his secretary)

I'm a motherfucking asshole. Check it out: I don't like people of different races nor do I find people other than myself intelligent! I shall now eat Renee's Birthday Cupcake! I am so deliciously inconsiderate! Ok bitch, I'm going to finish a deal with a talented actor and a loudmouth comic trying to ride into hollywood on reputation and pop culture likeability. I'll be back later, and if these dishes aren't cleaned up, I may or may not beat you.

RENEE ZELLWEGER

Okay, honey! I am so sweet I give myself cavities!

INT. RENEE'S HOME - LATER

MORGAN FREEMAN and CHRIS ROCK have tied up ASSHOLE.

ASSHOLE HUSBAND

What's wrong with you niggers?

(pause)

Oops...

RENEE watches her soap opera on tv in a cute, innocent manner.

RENEE ZELLWEGER

This movie is so sweet and tender.

ASSHOLE is scalped in a freakishly bloody way. His brain exposed, he tramples around the house, gyrating and crashing into things. He trails blood all over the living room, screaming in agony and crying tears of blood. MORGAN shoots him, but it only makes matters worse, as a new bullet hole begins to discharge blood all over the carpet. CHRIS ROCK tries to fix the problem by shoving a red-hot poker into ASSHOLE'S neck. ASSHOLE swings backwards, reacting to the endless pain, causing the poker to knock over an elaborately set up collection of glass shards, all of which fall into ASSHOLE'S body. He falls backwards, landing on the ground and pushing the shards of glass behind him up through his body. They puncture the topmost layer of skin, bleeding into the air. Eventually, ASSHOLE DIES.

RENEE ZELLWEGER

Sweet and tender, don't forget it. Now, in a sweet and tender way, I will have a humorous delusional reaction to what I just saw and look for Greg Kinnear.

She leaves. INEPT COP and GEORGE MCFLY follow her. So do MORGAN and CHRIS.

CHRIS ROCK

Let us take a comment to note the fact that Renee is white, whereas I am black, and that I find this turn of events humorous. Renee almost definitely has no rhythm and I feel that she is too skinny.

INT. HOLLYWOOD

RENEE fantasies about GREG. TIA TEXADA offers her a place to live. Then she, when she realizes RENEE is disturbed and in need of mental help, decides to vindictively destroy RENEE'S hopes and dreams for her own sadistic enjoyment.

TIA TEXADA

I have tickets which you may use to meet Greg! Let's go together to this thing so that I can watch Greg humiliate you and possibly drive you to suicide!

RENEE ZELLWEGER

Greg, I am a psychopath.

GREG KINNEAR

But a very lovable psychopath. Let's have sex.

They do.

GREG KINNEAR

I want to put you on television.

RENEE ZELLWEGER

Oh no, suddenly reality is hitting. I am starting to realize that neither the actor or the character even can live up to my fantasies and expectations. I created a universe inside my brain and expected it to translate into the

outside world. I see that is not the case as harsh reality sets in.

GREG KINNEAR

Check out my crooked grin.

INT. TIA'S HOME

RENEE ZELLWEGER

I'm leaving, Tia. I have realized the fruitlessness of my quest.

TIA TEXADA

Should I feel guilt about being the very person who instigated this whole thing? Probably.

Suddenly, CHRIS and MORGAN arrive with guns. Then STUPID COP and GEORGE MCFLY arrive in order to have a SLAPSTICK SHOOTOUT.

MORGAN takes RENEE into a bedroom to talk.

MORGAN FREEMAN

So finally I have found you. I have dreams about you. I think I love you.

He drops his gun. Renee picks it up and points it at him.

MORGAN FREEMAN

Oh no! The real person could not live up to my dreams and fantasies either. I have been just as misguided as Renee, under the delusion of my own hopes. I now see all is hopeless and all is lost. Oh shit, my child just got shot.

CHRIS ROCK

(bleeding)

I was killed cause I'm black.. *croak*

MORGAN is killed. GEORGE marries TIA. RENEE goes to Europe and enjoys success and happiness. We are treated to a cheesy epilogue.

EXT. EUROPE

RENEE ZELLWEGER

Excuse me, waiter?

The WAITER ignores her and gives her the check while watching the soap opera she is now on. He somehow manages not to notice he gave the check to the woman he's watching.

END

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