The Abridged Script
EXT. BIBLICAL LANDSCAPE
A trailer for THE ADAM AND EVE MOVIE plays, then splices itself several more times throughout the film to HAMMER HOME SOME IMAGERY because SOMEBODY has a fetish for ARTSY MONTAGES.
RUSSELL CROWE'S FATHER
We are the descendants of Seth, which makes us good. The descendants of Cain, like Ray Winstone's people, are all evil. Please discuss "Cleansing" as much as possible when justifying their deaths.
YOUNG RUSSELL CROWE
Because what this story needs is weird genocidal overtones. Hey, should we be concerned about that huge evil army standing right there?
The EVIL ARMY kills RUSSELL'S FATHER while YOUNG RUSSELL escapes.
EXT. BIBLICAL LANDSCAPE - YEARS LATER
Nomadic adult RUSSELL CROWE watches a drop of CELESTIAL FLUID fall from the sky and create a SMALL WHITE FLOWER.
Uh-oh, is this a prequel to The Fountain? I thought Aronofsky learned his lesson when that movie flopped.
DIRECTOR DARREN ARONOFSKY
Thy Great Aronofsky needeth no lessons. Especially not from studios, who trim down his cinematic greatness and put disclaimers on his marketing materials.
RUSSELL finds a dying PINECONE DOG, the only fantastic species we will ever see.
Why would anyone kill this beast, Daddy?
Because they kill ANIMALS for MEAT, YEAUGH! Disgusting persons! We get our strength from The Creator, in the form of soy and dairy products. Killing animals is wrong.
Except for the animals God orders us to kill and eat RIGHT NEXT TO THE VERSE WHERE HE TELLS NOAH TO BRING THE ANIMALS ON THE ARK. Darren, did you even read the Genesis story?
DIRECTOR DARREN ARONOFSKY
Thy will of Aronofsky's Vegetarianism is greater than that of Biblical Truth. Praise the Lord.
RUSSELL has a NIGHTMARE about DROWNING. Instantly he relocates his family across the dangerous country because NIGHTMARES ARE SERIOUS SHIT.
They find an injured YOUNG EMMA WATSON, and RUSSELL'S WIFE JENNIFER CONNELLY treats her with sterilized biblical-era medical equipment.
We shall adopt this child. Come, young one, let me sing you to sleep.
YOUNG EMMA WATSON
Russell Crowe, singing. In a movie.
Why would that be a bad idea?
GIANT ROCK MONSTERS arrive and CLUB RUSSELL'S HEAD to make him stop.
CGI MARK MARGOLIS
We are fallen angels. We helped humanity grow civilization and became their greatest allies, until they hunted us down to murder us because we look so damn silly. I look like a bad modeling clay project by a fourth-grader.
Here's a backstory montage full of trailer-friendly explosions to convince audiences this is an action movie and accomplish nothing else.
RUSSELL visits his wizened old grandfather ANTHONY HOPKINS.
A WRINKLED BALD EGG
You mean me?
Holy shit. Um, anyway, why has nothing so far corresponded to anything in the Old Testament?
Be reasonable, the Bible story of Noah was only a page or so. We've got to add SOME filler. Now look in your witchcrafty voodoo teacup and you shall see a vision of what to do next.
RUSSELL reads his Divination Tea-Leaves and sees THE GRIM. Wait, no, that's the EXACT SAME MAGIC SEED FROM THE FOUNTAIN.
Aha! I will build an ark for all the animals! There shall be two of each animal from all over the world, while all the rest and all the evil people will drown!
All of them? Even the infants? What about plants? Why can't God save the animals himself? And won't the animals die out from inbree-
WHOA, man! Is this an abridged script or a NonStampCollector Video? Do you WANT to start a religious debate on this comment thread like every other thread on internet?
The Noah story was meant to be a general summary of events. Of course parts don't make sense; that's reasonable because it was so short. This, however, is a full-length movie with an arsenal of modern science at our disposal. Couldn't we spend some time justifying common questions about this tale instead of Rock-Giant horseshit?
Well the Rock Angels explain how I built the ark without a construction crew so NYAH-NYAH, they're staying.
RUSSELL plants the MAGIC SEED just like how HUGH JACKMAN did in THE FOUNTAIN. It creates a huge forest of wood to build the ark.
A lush forest blooms before our eyes! We should bring Ray Winstone's people here and show them this definitive proof of God's glory!
No. We must stand around and show absolutely no shock at this miracle. Jeez, these aren't even the right kind of TREES the Bible specifies; is the goal to annoy as many theologians as possible? How do you fuck up something that easy?
There is a TIME PASSING MONTAGE during which CLINT MANSELL, desperately trying to create a musical score as memorable as the one for REQUIEM, flings a bunch of unrelated violin cues into a mush. CLEARLY AUDIBLE is that five-note refrain from THE FOUNTAIN.
EXT. RUSSELL'S ARK - YEARS LATER
RUSSELL'S CHILDREN have grown into DOUGLAS BOOTH, LOGAN LERMAN, EMMA WATSON, and USELESS KID.
Oh Emma, I'm so in love with you, even though you're infertile.
I love you too, and I'd really appreciate it if we could get through this entire parody without any references to famous movie franchises that may have started my career, okay?
I wish I had a lover like you, Emma! Man, I thought we had a real connection when we listened to David Bowie while trucksurfing. Didn't you?
Suddenly BIRDS fly into the ark! Amazingly, no one gets covered in BIRD SHIT. The animals arrive, nicely pre-organized by Family and Genus.
Don't you dare let any giraffes on board. If I have to see another "Noah's Ark" picture with giraffes poking out the top, I'll comically throw myself off a bridge.
Now we will explain how all these animals survived on board by drugging them into artificial estivation!
Ooh, can I carry the tapeworms?
RAY WINSTONE and his EVIL ARMY approach.
God has turned His back on us. If He destroys the world, we will take over your ark!
Let me get this straight: you DO believe in God, you DO believe He is all-powerful and will destroy the world, but you're giving Him the middle finger and fighting with an army?
Your one-dimensional character makes me sick! Get out of my sight!
RAY leaves to MURDER ANIMALS TO EXTINCTION instead of building a small lifeboat or something.
Russell, our children keep whining about how they don't get enough sex. Will you go into the Sinful Village of Bloodthirsty Killers and find them some wives?
Gee, maybe I should've thought of that during the 100 years or so we've spent building this thing.
RUSSELL wanders into the AMORAL VILLAGE where people are EATING BABIES. Wait, WHAT? Did I hear that correctly? EATING BABIES? Seriously, can someone verify that? HOLY FUCK.
Well it's not like there's whole trenches of healthy dead bodies to eat instead YES THERE ARE, BUT WE'RE NEEDLESSLY SADISTIC, BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
Am I supposed to be a bad caricature of LaVeyan Satanism? I keep spouting paraphrased Satanic Bible passages.
I see now...Humanity DESERVES to die. We're sinners of sexual desire. Only the animals are selfless and innocent; my family shall be the last of the human race.
Because animals never kill each other for food, steal and eat babies, enslave others, or have sexual desires. It's a wonder God hasn't murdered all the ants yet.
Since Russell's now a terrorist trying to destroy humanity, are we trying to make Satanism look GOOD by contrast, or-
We are our own Gods.
(drinks the blood of a thousand virgins)
Man is a carnal beast.
(sucks marrow off fried baby fingers)
Not AGAIN, Hollywood...
Gasp, RAIN! It can only be the End of the World! To the ark!
Dad, help! I've rescued an innocent girl from Ray's camp, but she's caught in a bear trap! We have to save her!
Sorry son, she's probably a disgusting sinner like you. I'm going to let her get trampled to death by Ray's soldiers.
SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHERS twitch horribly, then quietly usher their students into the neighboring theater to watch GOD'S NOT DEAD.
RAY'S SOLDIERS blow up the ROCK GIANTS with MAGIC FIREWORKS.
Magic fireworks?! What the he-
CGI MARK MARGOLIS
The GIANTS' SOULS are sucked into SPACE in a GOLD STREAM OF LIGHT like in THAT OTHER ARONOFSKY MOVIE YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T SEE, YEAH, YOU KNOW THE ONE.
Whew, we all just barely made it; what a satisfying conclusion. Not too bad for a big-budget Biblical Epic nobody asked for.
DIRECTOR DARREN ARONOFSKY
Thine work is comple- Shit, I forgot to depict a character in a downward spiral from his moral flaws! Keep going! Keep going!
RAY WINSTONE also sneaks on board with the help of LOGAN LERMAN.
Everyone lights a BONFIRE in the ARK, which is made of WOOD.
Time to desperately reconcile Creationism and Evolution. Please enjoy this timelapse we borrowed from the Discovery Channel.
There is an EVOLUTION MONTAGE that begins with a CLIP FROM THE FOUNTAIN, seriously, they used ACTUAL FOOTAGE FROM THE FOUNTAIN, I'M NOT KIDDING, awkwardly positioning NOAH as a SEQUEL or something and OH MY GOD ARONOFSKY, NOBODY LIKED THAT MOVIE, CAN'T YOU MAKE ANOTHER BLACK SWAN? FUCKING UNREAL, DUDE
Look everyone! Anthony Hopkins cured my infertility by putting black alien goo in my drink! And a biblical-era pregnancy test just told me I'm pregnant, hooray!
The human race must die. If your child is a girl, I will kill it at birth.
I think I figured out why Christians and Jews dislike this movie so much.
EIGHT MONTHS PASS, during which no one's beard grows and no one walks into the corner where RAY WINSTONE is hiding.
Listen, Logan. Become disgusting and bite the heads off snakes like me. It is good for man to have dominion over animals.
I know, that's in Genesis. "Have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every-"
Oops, that was supposed to be an EVIL statement. I'm the bad guy, right?
You know what, if this movie can't keep straight its relationship to its source material, I don't care. Can Emma have her babies so something can finally HAPPEN around here?
EMMA has TWO TWIN GIRLS in about FOUR MINUTES. Um, quite a pelvis you've got there, Emma.
In the name of The Creator, I will kill these babies! But first, Ray Winstone!
I must kill my father to protect my babies! We can take him, Ray!
(whacks Douglas in head)
What do you think you are, important? I will kill Russell myself, in the name of myself!
I've been sheltering this crazy asshole in secret for eight months, but all it took was watching my father become an even BIGGER asshole to have a sudden change of heart!
And this affects the plot by- Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Off to kill babies for Yahweh!
RUSSELL stands over EMMA'S BABIES with a KNIFE while EMMA ruins the tension by reminding us all about RUSSELL'S SINGING.
I AM GOING TO KILL YOUR BABIES!
NOT MY BABIES! NOOOO!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH HE'S GOING TO KILL THE BABIES AAAAAAAUGH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!
THE SOUND MIXER
SO DRAMATIC! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!
Right. Dead babies. That's what's going to happen, right now. Mmm-hmm.
(considers refilling popcorn)
RUSSELL kisses the babies instead of stabbing them, and the ark finds land. THE END.
Or NOT. RUSSELL gets DRUNK and passes out NAKED.
Truly our father has sunk to his deepest point, evidenced by how he does what half of us have done at frat parties. Let's cover him up.
Uh, I saved his life and he didn't even apologize for letting my girlfriend get trampled. What a dick. I'm leaving him there.
As punishment for this crime, LOGAN fathers a race of eternal slaves, or BLACK PEOPLE if you're at one of THOSE churches.
Russell, why did you spare my babies?
Because Mercy Love Kindness WHY IS THIS MOVIE STILL GOING? This is some Return of the King bullshit! Maybe I could silently stare at Jennifer for ten minutes in a garden, too!
GOD FUCKING DAMN!
RUSSELL redeems himself by using his MAGIC GLOWY SNAKE THING to light up the babies. This causes RAINBOWS to BLOOM ACROSS THE SKY and ALL OVER THE SCREEN, RAINBOWS, RAINBOWS AND CUTE ANIMALS EVERYWHERE HOORAY!
DIRECTOR DARREN ARONOFSKY
Ahem, thy Great Aronofsky hath never tried before to make a scene not meant for drowning souls in the waters of eternal misery. Thou shalt cut Him slack for His sappiness, and praise His theological mess of a film.
By the way, I'm an atheist.