"I believe I can fly-- OH NO I WAS WROOOOOOOONG!!!!!!!!"


"I believe I can fly-- OH NO I WAS WROOOOOOOONG!!!!!!!!"

NO ESCAPE

The Very Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. UNNAMED SOUTHEAST ASIAN COUNTRY THAT HATES WHITE PEOPLE

OWEN WILSON flies to the HATER COUNTRY with his wife LAKE BELL and their TWO DAUGHTERS, who are WHITE.

Suddenly a REBEL COUP occurs and MURDER HAPPENS! OWEN is nearly killed by BROWN PEOPLE!

OWEN WILSON

Oh no! They want to kill all the white people!

But he ESCAPES! OWEN’S DAUGHTER is about to be killed by BROWN PEOPLE!

OWEN’S DAUGHTER

Oh no! I'm white! That's why they want to kill me!

But OWEN SAVES HER and they ESCAPE!

OWEN gets his family to a rooftop where a rescue helicopter waits! But SURPRISE it’s piloted by gun wielding BROWN PEOPLE who kill all the FOREIGNERS who are NOT BROWN!

FOREIGNERS

Oh no! We're all white!

(smoked!)

OWEN can only ESCAPE the roof by THROWING HIS CHILDREN OFF OF IT! Watch the trailer to find out if they make it! (THEY DO!)

OWEN and his family HIDE in an office building, but they are discovered by a BROWN GUY! OWEN bludgeons him!

BROWN GUY

Oh no! I'm not white! That means I have this death coming!

(killed!)

OWEN and his family ESCAPE by dressing up as ISIS and make it to the AMERICAN EMBASSY, but it's blown up!

OWEN WILSON

Oh no! That building was full of white people!

Then LAKE is nearly RAPED by ANOTHER BROWN GUY!

LAKE BELL

Well shit.

But she’s rescued by PIERCE BROSNAN! Everybody hides out in a brothel where LAZY PLOT EXPOSITION HAPPENS.

PIERCE BROSNAN

(shot!)

Man I really miss those Bond paychecks.

(deaded!)

OWEN and his family have NO ESCAPE! Unless they cross over into Vietnam! But they are caught by MORE BROWN PEOPLE who try to make OWEN’S DAUGHTER shoot him in the FACE while being held at gunpoint herself!

OWEN’S OTHER DAUGHTER

Of course they're doing this to us! We're so pale!

But LAKE saves them and they use a boat to ESCAPE! They are about to cross a RIVER into VIETNAM!

BROWN PEOPLE

Stop! We haven't fulfilled the "Kill Whitey" part of our plan! It's kind of the most important part!

But OWEN and his family ESCAPE into VIETNAM just in time!

LAKE BELL

Owen, maybe next time we should go to a safe European country, like France?

OWEN WILSON

Americans are taken and sold into sex slavery there.

LAKE BELL

Yeesh. Well what about Slovakia?

OWEN WILSON

Foreigners are kidnapped from hostels and rich people pay to torture and kill them.

LAKE BELL

Ouch. How about South America? Maybe Brazil?

OWEN WILSON

Their entire economy runs on black market organ harvesting from tourists.

LAKE BELL

Well shit. I guess this movie isn’t any more racist or xenophobic than literally EVERY OTHER American thriller set in a foreign land.

OWEN WILSON

True, but our movie is cooler because it invented Rooftop Child Tossing. You’re welcome YouTube!

END

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