The Very Abridged Script
INT. UNNAMED SOUTHEAST ASIAN COUNTRY THAT HATES WHITE PEOPLE
OWEN WILSON flies to the HATER COUNTRY with his wife LAKE BELL and their TWO DAUGHTERS, who are WHITE.
Suddenly a REBEL COUP occurs and MURDER HAPPENS! OWEN is nearly killed by BROWN PEOPLE!
Oh no! They want to kill all the white people!
But he ESCAPES! OWEN’S DAUGHTER is about to be killed by BROWN PEOPLE!
Oh no! I'm white! That's why they want to kill me!
But OWEN SAVES HER and they ESCAPE!
OWEN gets his family to a rooftop where a rescue helicopter waits! But SURPRISE it’s piloted by gun wielding BROWN PEOPLE who kill all the FOREIGNERS who are NOT BROWN!
Oh no! We're all white!
OWEN can only ESCAPE the roof by THROWING HIS CHILDREN OFF OF IT! Watch the trailer to find out if they make it! (THEY DO!)
OWEN and his family HIDE in an office building, but they are discovered by a BROWN GUY! OWEN bludgeons him!
Oh no! I'm not white! That means I have this death coming!
OWEN and his family ESCAPE by dressing up as ISIS and make it to the AMERICAN EMBASSY, but it's blown up!
Oh no! That building was full of white people!
Then LAKE is nearly RAPED by ANOTHER BROWN GUY!
But she’s rescued by PIERCE BROSNAN! Everybody hides out in a brothel where LAZY PLOT EXPOSITION HAPPENS.
Man I really miss those Bond paychecks.
OWEN and his family have NO ESCAPE! Unless they cross over into Vietnam! But they are caught by MORE BROWN PEOPLE who try to make OWEN’S DAUGHTER shoot him in the FACE while being held at gunpoint herself!
OWEN’S OTHER DAUGHTER
Of course they're doing this to us! We're so pale!
But LAKE saves them and they use a boat to ESCAPE! They are about to cross a RIVER into VIETNAM!
Stop! We haven't fulfilled the "Kill Whitey" part of our plan! It's kind of the most important part!
But OWEN and his family ESCAPE into VIETNAM just in time!
Owen, maybe next time we should go to a safe European country, like France?
Americans are taken and sold into sex slavery there.
Yeesh. Well what about Slovakia?
Foreigners are kidnapped from hostels and rich people pay to torture and kill them.
Ouch. How about South America? Maybe Brazil?
Their entire economy runs on black market organ harvesting from tourists.
Well shit. I guess this movie isn’t any more racist or xenophobic than literally EVERY OTHER American thriller set in a foreign land.
True, but our movie is cooler because it invented Rooftop Child Tossing. You’re welcome YouTube!