"The Ring girl should be crawling out of the TV any second now."


"The Ring girl should be crawling out of the TV any second now."

NINJA ASSASSIN

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. GENERIC RAP MUSIC

A group of ASIAN STEREOTYPES gather in a warehouse. You can tell they are CRIMINALS because of how offensive their ACCENTS are.

SUNG KANG

I am getting a tattoo and being a total pussy about it.

(receives a letter filled with black sand)

RANDALL DUK KIM

I am The Tattoo Maker. I am also The Expositioner. The last time I saw an offensive Asian stereotype receive a letter like that a ninja ripped everyone a new asshole.

SUNG KANG

Bullshit. If that’s true then why would the ninja leave you alive?

RANDALL DUK KIM

Because I was stabbed through the left side of my chest, but I have a defect where my heart is located on the right side of my chest.

(looks directly at the audience)

Now you all try not to remember that, okay?!

A NINJA appears and FUCKS everybody’s SHIT all the way UP. Several new ASSHOLES are torn open, and then those assholes are chopped RIGHT THE FUCK OFF. The scene is extremely GORY with CGI blood and body parts flying all over the place because director JAMES MCTEIGUE is auditioning for the next SAW MOVIE.

INT. LAUNDROMAT

Korean heartthrob RAIN is doing his laundry as all ASIAN BADASSES are prone to do when a CUTE ASIAN GIRL approaches him.

CUTE ASIAN GIRL

Would you help me fold this sheet?

RAIN

If by “sheet” you mean “your spine” then sure.

She is an ASSASSIN and they FIGHT! RAIN stuffs her body inside a DRYER because that was the HONORABLE thing to do. Then he turns the dryer ON because he’s a DICK.

RAIN

Holy shit, am I the hero or the hero’s evil nemesis? Better show a flashback to explain why I just brutally killed that pretty woman and tumble dried her.

INT. NINJA ACADEMY - YEARS EARLIER

YOUNG RAIN is trained to be a BADASS by SHÔ KOSUGI, a man who could punch out GOD.

SHÔ KOSUGI

In order to be the ultimate badass you must live in darkness and move like a shadow. Basically it’s like having super powers.

YOUNG RAIN

That’s all well and good but it doesn’t explain why we’re all speaking English.

SHÔ KOSUGI

Asking questions is forbidden. I will now whip and beat you until you learn your lesson.

YOUNG RAIN

Where’s a phone? I’m calling social services on you.

SHÔ KOSUGI

Don’t you see all these torches and candles and shit we’re lighting this place with? Ninjas don’t believe in modern technology.

YOUNG RAIN

Really? But why not? I mean what exactly are we spending all the money we get from all these way-over-the-fucking-top-and-conspicuous-as-shit assassinations we carry out?

SHÔ KOSUGI

Child whips, mostly. Allow me to demonstrate!

YOUNG RAIN is beaten within a half inch of his life, but is comforted by DOOMED LOVE INTEREST.

DOOMED LOVE INTEREST

Rain, I hate ninja school. Let’s run away together.

RAIN

But if we’re caught we’ll be killed!

DOOMED LOVE INTEREST

Really? That sounds like fun!

She runs away and is caught within SECONDS. She is executed by RAIN’s arch nemesis STEPHEN COLBERT RICK YUNE.

RAIN

I must avenge her! But I think I’ll stick around and graduate from Ninja School first! God forbid I let my parent's tuition money go to waste!

RAIN’s final exam is to kill WOLVERINE if WOLVERINE shaved and ate 12 BIG MACS a day and was filled with 6 billion gallons of CGI BLOOD.

SHÔ KOSUGI

Excellent, Rain. You have now earned your diploma in Badassology with honors. You should be able to get into Ninja Harvard with no problem.

RAIN

But I wanted to go to Ninja Dartmouth instead! You never listen! I hate you! This apprenticeship is over!

RAIN cuts SHÔ’s eye off and takes on a FUCKTON of NINJAS. RAIN is cut and/or stabbed a METRIC FUCKMILLION of times but none of his vital organs are hit because... seriously? Aren’t these supposed to be fucking NINJAS? RAIN should be GROUND BEEF with TEETH by this point.

RAIN escapes and vows REVENGE.

INT. GERMANY - PRESENT DAY

NAOMIE HARRIS is a Europol agent investigating some bizarre NINJA KILLINGS when she receives a letter which is likely filled with BLACK SAND.

NAOMIE HARRIS

So what if I just don’t open the letter?

NINJA

C’mon, open it.

NAOMIE HARRIS

But I don’t want to open it.

NINJA

C’mon.

NAOMIE HARRIS

No!

NINJA

C’mon.

NAOMIE HARRIS

Fine.

(opens the letter, black sand falls out)

NINJA

Sucker!

The NINJA ATTACKS NAOMIE, but RAIN saves her using CRISS ANGEL POWERS.

RAIN

Naomie, the ninjas won’t stop until you’re dead so I’m making you my new love interest.

NAOMIE HARRIS

That makes me feel safe considering what happened to your last love interest. So does that mean we get to kiss and make out?

RAIN

I’m an Asian guy, so no.

NAOMIE HARRIS

What? Granted most action movies don’t need a tacked on romantic subplot but the absence of one here seems oddly deliberate. It's as if only a white guy is allowed to get laid in action movies. Can we at least stare longingly at each other?

RAIN

My face doesn't do longingly. Or any human expression for that matter. My facial muscles are made from solid oak.

NAOMIE HARRIS

Well nuts.

They plod around for a bit before seeking help from NAOMIE’s boss BEN MILES.

NAOMIE HARRIS

Ben, Rain is a good ninja who just saved my ass. He could really help our investigation.

BEN MILES

Too bad I’m an untrustworthy scrotum sucker. Agents, seize him!

AGENTS materialize out of the THINNEST of FUCKING AIR and arrest RAIN.

RAIN

Hey, no fair. I thought ninjas were the only ones who could teleport in this movies? Those cops literally came out of fucking nowhere.

INT. POLICE WAREHOUSE

RAIN is held prisoner in a LARGE OPEN SPACE with MULTIPLE ENTRANCES and EXITS and chained to a WALL instead of a proper PRISON CELL because EUROPEAN COPS don’t understand how PRISONS WORK.

BEN MILES

I say we pin all the ninja murders on Rain and go get shitfaced.

NAOMIE HARRIS

But the ninjas want me and Rain dead! They’re going to come for us!

BEN MILES

So? I’m not scared of some pussy ninjas, despite all the gruesome bodies they’ve left behind without being seen or caught.

NINJAS appear and FUCK BEN’S AGENTS’ SHIT all the way UP. The AGENTS shoot at the NINJAS but NOTHING HAPPENS because guns don’t kill people, NINJAS DO. Lots and lots of GORE and CGI BLOOD coat the SCREEN. The AUDIENCE wonders how this is not considered a HORROR FLICK. THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE had less gore than this.

NAOMIE frees RAIN so he can kick some fucking NINJA ASS. NAOMIE helps out by SCREAMING and being TERRIFIED.

RICK YUNE

Hello Rain. We meet again for the first time for the last time. Surely this will be one of the best choreographed fights in the entire movi

(is hit by car)

NAOMIE escapes with RAIN who has been cut and/or stabbed a FUCKQUAD of times but still has all his fingers and toes and hasn’t suffered any major ORGAN DAMAGE because... okay, for real, this is total BULLSHIT but whatever.

NAOMIE takes RAIN to a motel so she can wash off all the GALLONS upon GALLONS OF BLOOD that’s been splashed on her while RAIN lies unconscious in bed.

NAOMIE HARRIS

In most movies this would be the scene where we would swap spit, but since Hollywood hates to see an Asian dude get laid I guess I’ll just have to settle with giving you this tracking device suppository instead.

NINJAS come to take RAIN, but leave NAOMIE alive because they have no LONG-TERM MEMORY. NINJAS are like GOLDFISH that way.

INT. NINJA ACADEMY

RAIN is tied up and cold dry air is blown onto his lips to make them extra special CHAPPED. Somebody get this kid 10 CC’s of LIP BALM, STAT.

SHÔ KOSUGI

Rain, you have blah blah blah not killing you blah blah still not killing you yada yada yada why am I not killing you yet blah yada blah. Now I’ll dig into your stomach which will hurt a lot, but not kill you.

RAIN

Wouldn’t it have made more sense to kill me back at that motel when I was weak and unconscious instead of bringing me all the way back here and giving me time to recover? I mean what if someone comes to rescue me?

SHÔ KOSUGI

Ha! I have an army of ninjas and my lair is located on the side of a fucking mountain in which no vehicles could possibly traverse, especially not humvees.

NAOMIE and a bunch of EURO COPS arrive in HUMVEES.

SHÔ KOSUGI

I’m calling total bullshit on this. How many gas stations did you guys have to stop at on your way up the mountain before you reached this place? And how the hell did no one hear or see you guys coming?

NAOMIE HARRIS

Criss Angel trained us well. Attack!

The AGENTS open FIRE. Luckily the NINJAS are wearing BULLSEYES so the bullets hit them this time.

NINJAS

Oh no! We have all forgotten how to fight! Retreat!

NAOMIE frees RAIN. AGAIN.

RAIN

So I heard you wanted to swap spit with me.

NAOMIE HARRIS

I thought you were asleep when I said that?

RAIN

Just because I was asleep didn’t mean I couldn’t hear you. I actually say this in the movie.

NAOMIE HARRIS

That’s one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard someone say.

RAIN

Just stare at my six pack.

NAOMIE HARRIS

Way ahead of you.

RAIN kills a SHITLOAD of NINJAS with his NINJA JUMP ROPE. BLOOD and GORE and SEVERED BODY PARTS fly at the SCREEN. JASON VOORHEES is seething with JEALOUSY.

RICK YUNE

It’s a good thing I stood by patiently and watched while my minions distracted you or else I may have actually had a chance at killing you.

(pause)

Wait, that’s not a good thing at all!

(is killed)

SHÔ KOSUGI

So Rain, I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. Come, let us fight inside this burning dojo.

RAIN

My ninja skills are way better than yours, Shô. Just so long as you can’t use your disappearing ninja shadow power while standing in the center of this brightly lit room and so long as you don’t also have some kind of special super speed Flash powers.

SHÔ KOSUGI

(disappears despite room being brightly lit)

(enters "special super speed Flash powers" cheat code)

RAIN

Ooooh you motherfucker!

RAIN is stabbed and/or cut a FUCKTILLION amount of times and loses about 20 THOUSAND QUARTS of CGI BLOOD, but none of his extremities or organs are damaged because I AM TIRED OF POINTING THIS OUT.

NAOMIE HARRIS

I’m here to help! I’ll shoot Shô with my gun! Because that strategy has worked exactly zero times in the past!

NAOMIE demonstrates her AWFUL SHOOTING POWERS which will be carried over into SKYFALL.

SHÔ teleports behind NAOMIE and stabs her through the HEART, totally KILLING HER. YUP. She sure is DEAD and therefore not ALIVE. SERIOUSLY. She is now permanently WORM FOOD. WINK.

RAIN

Seeing Naomie die has forced me to reveal my very own special super speed Flash powers!

SHÔ KOSUGI

You really should have led with that. Why the hell did you wait until literally the last second to use this ability?

RAIN

As you know we ninjas aren’t exactly known for using our heads, only for removing them.

SHÔ KOSUGI

True that.

(is slashed to bits)

RAIN brings NAOMIE’s corpse to BEN.

BEN MILES

(while holding fists in the air)

WHY?! WHYYYYYYYY?! SHE WAS TAKEN FROM US TOO SOON!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE SHE’S ACTUALLY DEAD oh wait she’s still alive. And she's not even in any pain. And Shô's sword appears to have cauterized her wound. Well that makes sense.

NAOMIE HARRIS

Yes. My heart is located on the opposite side of my chest.

BEN MILES

But how does that explain your punctured lung and internal bleeding? And what if some of these ninjas had any bloodborne pathogens? We’re thousands of miles from the nearest hospital, you could still drop dead at any moment.

NAOMIE HARRIS

Shut up, Ben. No one likes assholes who nitpick movies to death. Besides, my new hot ninja boyfriend would never let anything happen to... Rain? Where’d you go? Hey Rain! Come back here goddamnit!

RAIN ABANDONS NAOMIE to go climb Mount Midoriyama and achieve total victory in the never to be released sequel NINJA WARRIOR.

END

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