This is either from "Night at the Roxbury" or "Mystery Men 2", I'm not sure which.


This is either from "Night at the Roxbury" or "Mystery Men 2", I'm not sure which.

A NIGHT AT THE ROXBURY

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. PARAMOUNT STUDIO OFFICE - DAY

LORNE MICHAELS

Ok guys. I have this great idea for a movie. In my show, SNL, there are these geeky losers who like to go to clubs. They have this one joke on SNL..and..

(unable to compose self;) crying with laugher)

these guys... they... heh.. they

(begins laughing hysterically)

THEY SNAP THEIR HEADS TO THE SIDE TO A SINGLE SONG!! BWAHAHAHA!! Oops, I wet myself.

STUDIO EXECS

Uh... wait. You want to take the lamest sketch from the worst season of SNL, using two characters who barely speak and who are only mildly funny on the show due to how one dimensional and stereotypical they are and stretch their five minute sketch to an hour and a half, flesh them out so they lose all humor in their characters, and... who are you getting to write it again?

LORNE MICHAELS

Will Ferrell.

STUDIO EXECS

Well, I'm sorry.. we're not that stupid. It will bomb.

LORNE MICHAELS pulls out a GUN.

LORNE MICHAELS

THIS MOVIE WILL BE HILARIOUS! IF YOU DON'T THINK I CAN TAKE CRAPPY SKETCHES AND MAKE GOOD MOVIES OUT OF THEM, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A LOOK AT 'IT'S PAT' OR 'CONEHEADS' OR 'STUART SAVES HIS FAMILY'!

STUDIO EXECS

Uh...

LORNE shoots one of the EXECS in the HEAD.

INT. A NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT

WILL FERRELL

(snapping his head)

Sup?

CHRIS KATTAN

(snapping his head)

Sweet ass sweet.

AUDIENCE

... help.

DAN HEDAYA

Hi. I'm a has-been. I play the the father.

RICHARD GRIECO

I'm also a has-been. I play me.

LONI ANDERSON

I just so happen to be a has-been, too. I play a woman who's addicted to plastic surgery.

AUDIENCE

....please help me... it's already too long... anyone?

CHAZZ PALMINTERI

I'm an actual actor. I've gotten my name removed from the credits and hid myself behind a beard. I hope nobody sees me in this.

WILL FERRELL

(snapping his head)

I'm an idiot.

CHRIS KATTAN

(snapping his head)

Sup?

AUDIENCE

HELP ME!!! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD GET ME OUT OF THIS THEATER!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

INT. SILK FLOWER STORE - DAY

WILL FERRELL

(snapping his head)

We're in a flower store.

CHRIS KATTAN

(snapping his head)

Sweet.

INT. FEMALES' APARTMENT - NIGHT

CHRIS KATTAN

(snapping his head)

We're getting laid. Sweet.

WILL FERRELL

(snapping his head)

Um.. hey, let's take some lines from Jerry Maguire and simply redo them badly. That would be funny. Sup.

AUDIENCE

(withering away)

Make it... stop.. augh..

INT. THE ROXBURY - NIGHT

CHRIS KATTAN

(snapping his head)

We're in the Roxbury. Hey ladies, what's goin' on?

WILL FERRELL

(snapping his head)

Shouldn't we be doing jokes or something?

AUDIENCE

(dead)

....

INT. ANOTHER NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT

CHRIS KATTAN

(snapping his head)

Yes! We have overcome the odds! We have won.

WILL FERRELL

(snapping his head)

Won what? Who are our antagonists in this? Don't we need a story, too?

THE MOVIE'S ONE JOKE

(dead)

....

WILL FERRELL

(snapping his head)

What are we doing? What the hell is going on?

CHRIS KATTAN

(snapping his head)

Where are we? Hey, is Molly Shannon our antagonist?

WILL FERRELL

(snapping his head)

No, I think Colin Quinn is..

CHRIS KATTAN

(snapping his head)

But he disappeared a while ago..who the hell wrote this?

WILL FERRELL

(snapping his head)

I did.

INT. AUDIENCE MEMBER'S BASEMENT - NIGHT

LORNE MICHAELS is hanging by his toes to a steel beam.

AUDIENCE

Time to die, Lorne Michaels.

LORNE MICHAELS

I promise. I won't do any more. Well, I want to make a sketch based on that elderly couple played by Will Ferrell and Ana Gastyer. You know the one.. they sing famous songs really badly...but that's the last one, I swear.

The AUDIENCE guts LORNE MICHAELS like a fish, his INSIDES spill onto the floor below him. No sense of humor can be seen in the mess.

END


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