"You're right, it's much easier to read up close."


"You're right, it's much easier to read up close."
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NEXT FRIDAY

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. BATHROOM. ICE CUBE is rolling JOINTS on the toilet.

ICE CUBE

Chris Tucker was too busy with Jackie Chan to make this movie, so I will be playing both the straight man AND the pothead.

EXT. FRONT LAWN OF ICE CUBE'S HOUSE.

ICE CUBE and JOHN WITHERSPOON load truck.

JOHN WITHERSPOON

Wait a second, you're moving to the suburbs to get away from Tiny Lister. What am I going to do in this movie?

ICE CUBE pushes JOHN into DOG SHIT.

JOHN WITHERSPOON

Bang Bang!

EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

TINY LISTER and STICKY FINGAZ are running down the sidewalk.

TINY LISTER

(to passing WOMAN)

Whassap, baby?

STICKY FINGAZ

Tiny, we're running down the street in shackles and orange jumpsuits. Why isn't anybody reacting?

TINY LISTER

Because this is a Hollywood movie. Also, we attract less suspicion this way than if we were dressed casual or minding our own business, or, God forbid, driving.

EXT. INTERSECTION - DAY

JOHN WITHERSPOON'S TRUCK stops at the light. TINY and STICKY round the corner and see the truck.

TINY LISTER

(growling)

RRRRRRRRR!!!

JOHN WITHERSPOON hits the gas and hits TINY LISTER at CLOSE RANGE, just like in PULP FICTION.

EXT. RESIDENTIAL COURT, RANCHO CUCAMONGA

DON 'D.C.' CURRY

If you need me, Cube, I'll be over here smoking up and gettin' freaky with my decrepit girlfriend.

KIM WHITLEY hugs CUBE and grabs his ASS.

ICE CUBE

Damn!

EXT. FRONT LAWN

MIKE EPPS

Hey, Cube. This is my BMW. It exists to be put through the standard Hollywood Foreign-Car Narrative.

ICE CUBE

Like in Ronin, with all those chase scenes?

MIKE EPPS

No, like in Ferris Bueller, Risky Business...

All the CAR BUFFS in the AUDIENCE lose their WOODIES and exit the THEATER.

A LOWERED CADILLAC pulls in across the street. Out climb JACOB VARGAS, LOBO SEBASTIAN, and ROLANDO MOLINA. JACOB is the smallest actor and the oldest brother. This is IRONY.

AUDIENCE

(inhales)

That shit don't make sense.

MIKE EPPS

Don't look at Jacob Vargas and his brothers. ICE CUBE takes a long, hard look at JACOB VARGAS and his two BROTHERS.

JACOB VARGAS

This film is founded on a broad tapestry of diversity -- caricatures of all ethnic groups. I will act as just as broad a caricature as the rest of the cast.

(to Cube)

WHO YOU CALLIN' MONKEY, MANG?!

JACOB sends his PIT BULL over to CUBE'S DRIVEWAY.

CUBE, MIKE, and the PIT BULL all pound on MIKE EPPS' CAR.

MIKE EPPS

Let's go visit my eccentric asian neighbor.

EXTERIOR - AMY HILL'S FRONT LAWN, DAY

AMY HILL

Everyone in this film is a broad caricature of their ethnic group, but I'm a meta-caricature. An old asian lady in the suburbs who talks in inner- city slanguage.

(To MIKE EPPS)

Sheeit, mo'fucka, get off my goddamn flower bed. I just fertilized and weeded that shit.

ICE CUBE

Did you say weed?

ANY HILL

Not until after dinner. I'm axing you two to help me keep an eye on those shifty boys across the street. Where do you think they get all that money? I'm thinking Amway.

AUDIENCE

I saw this next part in the trailer.

(inhales)

It was fun-nee!

AMY HILL

A'ight. See you at the cross-roads.

AUDIENCE

What the fuck?! She didn't spill her 40 on the ground for her "dead homies," like in the trailer!

ICE CUBE and MIKE EPPS go into their house.

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

MIKE EPPS disappears for a few minutes so that CUBE can smoke up and start to fantasize about LISA RODRIGUEZ from across the street. Then the DOORBELL rings.

MICHAEL RAPPAPORT

"Yo," "homes." "187 in my ass."

ICE CUBE

Cracker!

CUBE mean-mugs and RAPPAPORT runs away.

EXT. HOT DOG STAND

JOHN WITHERSPOON

I can't believe I wasn't in this movie for longer. That's it! I'm going back to Cucamonga.

JOHN WITHERSPOON walks away from the camera, revealing the SHIT STAINS still on his coveralls.

AUDIENCE

(inhales)

Thas fuckin' FUNNY, man.

INT. RECORD STORE - DAY

MIKE EPPS

Hey, Cube. This is my skater sidekick, Justin Pierce.

JUSTIN PIERCE

Yo, Ice. Uh-oh, Mike, your ex- girlfriend Tamala Jones and her sidekick Rage are coming in.

TAMALA JONES

Mike, I'm carrying your baby.

MIKE EPPS

That's not my baby!

THE LADY OF RAGE

(grunting)

Hrrrrmnh!

THE LADY OF RAGE and TAMALA JONES pound the SHIT out of MIKE EPPS' CAR and exit. Meanwhile, MIKE EPPS smokes POT and sucks his LIPS into a VACUUM CLEANER. CLIFTON POWELL enters.

CLIFTON POWELL

I am black, but I became a successful businessman and lost touch with Tha Streetz. You must be trying to rob my record store!

ICE CUBE

Naw, I'm visiting my cousin.

CLIFTON POWELL

Yeah, well... you're all fired.

CLIFTON POWELL puts a .38 SLUG into the hood of MIKE EPPS' CAR, just BECAUSE.

EXT. UNSPECIFIED FREEWAY - DAY

JOHN WITHERSPOON

The drive to Cucamonga and back took no time at all this morning, but conveniently, it is now taking many hours. While we wait for traffic to let up, I'll go for some more cheap bodily function humor. If it's funny the first time, it'll be funny EVERY TIME. Bang, bang!

AUDIENCE

Damn, he has to take a shit!

(inhaling)

HAH!

INT. BANK OFFICE - DAY

LIONEL BARRYMORE

No securities, no stocks, no bonds. Nothing but a miserable little $500 equity in a life insurance policy. You're worth more dead than alive!

ICE CUBE mean-mugs.

ICE CUBE

Cracker!

EXT. BANK OFFICE - DAY

MIKE EPPS

No job, my car's all busted up, we're about to lose our house, and I'm not even supposed to BE HERE TODAY!

BRIAN O'HALLORAN AS DANTE FROM "CLERKS"

Hey, that's MY gimmick! My ONLY gimmick!

MIKE EPPS

It's hopeless.

ICE CUBE

No, it's not. We should go steal money from Jacob Vargas and his Brothers.

EXT. BROS. YARD - NIGHT

JUSTIN PIERCE is lying on the ground with the stoned PIT BULL.

EXT. LATINO BROS. HOUSE - NIGHT

ICE CUBE is spying on JACOB VARGAS and his HOOCHIE MAMA.

JACOB VARGAS

Yeah, baby! Meet my little AZTEC WARRIOR! You are afraid of my GUATEMALAN-NESS!

CAMERA PANS over to a box of SA8 DETERGENT overflowing with BILLS.

ICE CUBE

Ah-HAH!

ICE CUBE stuffs his POCKETS full of MONEY and goes upstairs to LISA RODRIGUEZ' room.

LISA RODRIGUEZ

Nice job! How'd you get in here?

ICE CUBE

Pole-vault.

LISA RODRIGUEZ

Not so fast. I want a legitimate career and you need to give this movie some redeeming social value. Besides, my brothers caught your cousin and his sidekick and are holding him hostage in the living room.

ICE CUBE

Damn, I guess you're right. Let's just be friends.

(They HUG)

You know, you should stand up to those guys.

LISA RODRIGUEZ

Hey, you're right! Great idea!

EXT. LATINO BROS. YARD

DON "D.C." CURRY and JOHN WITHERSPOON beat up JACOB VARGAS' two BROTHERS.

JOHN WITHERSPOON

You got KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT!

The AUDIENCE cheers wildly.

Just as ICE CUBE and TINY LISTER are set up for the REMATCH, JACOB VARGAS comes outside and accidentally pushes TINY LISTER into DOG SHIT just in time for the COPS to arrive.

COPS

Yay! We get to arrest all these guys again!

DON "D.C." CURRY

Yay! We get to keep the house!

ICE CUBE

Yay! I get to go back to Watts!

MIKE EPPS

You're going back to Watts?

ICE CUBE

Yeah, since I trashed your car and blew any chance I had with Lisa Rodriguez. Also, the first movie was much funnier.

AUDIENCE

He's right

(inhales)

The first movie WAS much funnier.

ICE CUBE pushes the AUDIENCE into DOG SHIT. They slip and hit their HEADS, denting the hoods of their expensive CARS.

END

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