The Abridged Script
INT. BATHROOM. ICE CUBE is rolling JOINTS on the toilet.
Chris Tucker was too busy with Jackie Chan to make this movie, so I will be playing both the straight man AND the pothead.
EXT. FRONT LAWN OF ICE CUBE'S HOUSE.
ICE CUBE and JOHN WITHERSPOON load truck.
Wait a second, you're moving to the suburbs to get away from Tiny Lister. What am I going to do in this movie?
ICE CUBE pushes JOHN into DOG SHIT.
EXT. CITY STREET - DAY
TINY LISTER and STICKY FINGAZ are running down the sidewalk.
(to passing WOMAN)
Tiny, we're running down the street in shackles and orange jumpsuits. Why isn't anybody reacting?
Because this is a Hollywood movie. Also, we attract less suspicion this way than if we were dressed casual or minding our own business, or, God forbid, driving.
EXT. INTERSECTION - DAY
JOHN WITHERSPOON'S TRUCK stops at the light. TINY and STICKY round the corner and see the truck.
JOHN WITHERSPOON hits the gas and hits TINY LISTER at CLOSE RANGE, just like in PULP FICTION.
EXT. RESIDENTIAL COURT, RANCHO CUCAMONGA
DON 'D.C.' CURRY
If you need me, Cube, I'll be over here smoking up and gettin' freaky with my decrepit girlfriend.
KIM WHITLEY hugs CUBE and grabs his ASS.
EXT. FRONT LAWN
Hey, Cube. This is my BMW. It exists to be put through the standard Hollywood Foreign-Car Narrative.
Like in Ronin, with all those chase scenes?
No, like in Ferris Bueller, Risky Business...
All the CAR BUFFS in the AUDIENCE lose their WOODIES and exit the THEATER.
A LOWERED CADILLAC pulls in across the street. Out climb JACOB VARGAS, LOBO SEBASTIAN, and ROLANDO MOLINA. JACOB is the smallest actor and the oldest brother. This is IRONY.
That shit don't make sense.
Don't look at Jacob Vargas and his brothers. ICE CUBE takes a long, hard look at JACOB VARGAS and his two BROTHERS.
This film is founded on a broad tapestry of diversity -- caricatures of all ethnic groups. I will act as just as broad a caricature as the rest of the cast.
WHO YOU CALLIN' MONKEY, MANG?!
JACOB sends his PIT BULL over to CUBE'S DRIVEWAY.
CUBE, MIKE, and the PIT BULL all pound on MIKE EPPS' CAR.
Let's go visit my eccentric asian neighbor.
EXTERIOR - AMY HILL'S FRONT LAWN, DAY
Everyone in this film is a broad caricature of their ethnic group, but I'm a meta-caricature. An old asian lady in the suburbs who talks in inner- city slanguage.
(To MIKE EPPS)
Sheeit, mo'fucka, get off my goddamn flower bed. I just fertilized and weeded that shit.
Did you say weed?
Not until after dinner. I'm axing you two to help me keep an eye on those shifty boys across the street. Where do you think they get all that money? I'm thinking Amway.
I saw this next part in the trailer.
It was fun-nee!
A'ight. See you at the cross-roads.
What the fuck?! She didn't spill her 40 on the ground for her "dead homies," like in the trailer!
ICE CUBE and MIKE EPPS go into their house.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
MIKE EPPS disappears for a few minutes so that CUBE can smoke up and start to fantasize about LISA RODRIGUEZ from across the street. Then the DOORBELL rings.
"Yo," "homes." "187 in my ass."
CUBE mean-mugs and RAPPAPORT runs away.
EXT. HOT DOG STAND
I can't believe I wasn't in this movie for longer. That's it! I'm going back to Cucamonga.
JOHN WITHERSPOON walks away from the camera, revealing the SHIT STAINS still on his coveralls.
Thas fuckin' FUNNY, man.
INT. RECORD STORE - DAY
Hey, Cube. This is my skater sidekick, Justin Pierce.
Yo, Ice. Uh-oh, Mike, your ex- girlfriend Tamala Jones and her sidekick Rage are coming in.
Mike, I'm carrying your baby.
That's not my baby!
THE LADY OF RAGE
THE LADY OF RAGE and TAMALA JONES pound the SHIT out of MIKE EPPS' CAR and exit. Meanwhile, MIKE EPPS smokes POT and sucks his LIPS into a VACUUM CLEANER. CLIFTON POWELL enters.
I am black, but I became a successful businessman and lost touch with Tha Streetz. You must be trying to rob my record store!
Naw, I'm visiting my cousin.
Yeah, well... you're all fired.
CLIFTON POWELL puts a .38 SLUG into the hood of MIKE EPPS' CAR, just BECAUSE.
EXT. UNSPECIFIED FREEWAY - DAY
The drive to Cucamonga and back took no time at all this morning, but conveniently, it is now taking many hours. While we wait for traffic to let up, I'll go for some more cheap bodily function humor. If it's funny the first time, it'll be funny EVERY TIME. Bang, bang!
Damn, he has to take a shit!
INT. BANK OFFICE - DAY
No securities, no stocks, no bonds. Nothing but a miserable little $500 equity in a life insurance policy. You're worth more dead than alive!
ICE CUBE mean-mugs.
EXT. BANK OFFICE - DAY
No job, my car's all busted up, we're about to lose our house, and I'm not even supposed to BE HERE TODAY!
BRIAN O'HALLORAN AS DANTE FROM "CLERKS"
Hey, that's MY gimmick! My ONLY gimmick!
No, it's not. We should go steal money from Jacob Vargas and his Brothers.
EXT. BROS. YARD - NIGHT
JUSTIN PIERCE is lying on the ground with the stoned PIT BULL.
EXT. LATINO BROS. HOUSE - NIGHT
ICE CUBE is spying on JACOB VARGAS and his HOOCHIE MAMA.
Yeah, baby! Meet my little AZTEC WARRIOR! You are afraid of my GUATEMALAN-NESS!
CAMERA PANS over to a box of SA8 DETERGENT overflowing with BILLS.
ICE CUBE stuffs his POCKETS full of MONEY and goes upstairs to LISA RODRIGUEZ' room.
Nice job! How'd you get in here?
Not so fast. I want a legitimate career and you need to give this movie some redeeming social value. Besides, my brothers caught your cousin and his sidekick and are holding him hostage in the living room.
Damn, I guess you're right. Let's just be friends.
You know, you should stand up to those guys.
Hey, you're right! Great idea!
EXT. LATINO BROS. YARD
DON "D.C." CURRY and JOHN WITHERSPOON beat up JACOB VARGAS' two BROTHERS.
You got KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT!
The AUDIENCE cheers wildly.
Just as ICE CUBE and TINY LISTER are set up for the REMATCH, JACOB VARGAS comes outside and accidentally pushes TINY LISTER into DOG SHIT just in time for the COPS to arrive.
Yay! We get to arrest all these guys again!
DON "D.C." CURRY
Yay! We get to keep the house!
Yay! I get to go back to Watts!
You're going back to Watts?
Yeah, since I trashed your car and blew any chance I had with Lisa Rodriguez. Also, the first movie was much funnier.
The first movie WAS much funnier.
ICE CUBE pushes the AUDIENCE into DOG SHIT. They slip and hit their HEADS, denting the hoods of their expensive CARS.