Somehow this manages to be more terrifying than "Scream".


Somehow this manages to be more terrifying than "Scream".
This script is a contribution from a hopeful author. Please rate the script at the bottom and leave constructive feedback, it's extremely valuable.

NEVER BEEN KISSED

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. CHICAGO SUN TIME OFFICE.

This is a VERY important newspaper. The people who work in this office are VERY IMPORTANT journalists. These people are NOT one-dimensional. They are VERY realistic.

DREW BARRYMORE

Please forgive me for "Home Fries." And "Ever After." I promise that this movie will be such a stretch from my normally "cute" movies. Oh yeah, I produced this. Anyway, I am chaste and pure in this movie. You are to believe that I am ugly and that I have never really kissed anyone. Also, I am a really good copy editor, and to prove this, I work at a paper with important people. I correct there [Sic] errors.

IMPRESSIONABLE TEENAGE AUDIENCE

Damn, Drew Barrmore is SO funny! If she doesn't win Best Actress at the Grammys or whatever, then that will totally suck! She was so good in "Scream!"

MOLLY SHANNON

Drew's character is a virgin, so I am going to be really slutty. It will be funny because I will be over the top. I want to have sex. Sex sex sex. Penis penis penis.

IMPRESSIONABLE TEENAGE AUDIENCE

Awww, damn, I love Molly Shannon! She's on Saturday Night Live. If someone from SNL is in this movie, then you KNOW it will be funny! Sweet- ass!

DREW BARRYMORE

We want this movie to get lots of laughs from the impressionable teenage audience. Say, have you seen those 1- 800-COLLECT commercials? Isn't David Arquette funny? Let's cast him as my brother. That will be totally hilarious. Totally.

MOLLY SHANNON

Yeah, but shouldn't we have a plot?

(gives oral pleasure to a banana)

I like sex.

DREW BARRYMORE

Oh yeah...most people who see this movie will be high school students, but since I'm not in high school...I'll go back to high school! Totally!

GARY MARSHALL

I will be your boss, Drew. Now, I want you to go back to high school and do a cover story.

DREW BARRYMORE

On what?

GARY MARSHALL

On high school. Why the hell did I agree to do this piece of shit movie?

EXT. STEREOTYPICAL HIGH SCHOOL

The POPULAR GIRLS are walking into school together. They are COOL and only COOL PEOPLE can talk to them. The TOKEN NERDS are playing with their calculators. They are UNPOPULAR. No one likes them.

LEELEE SOBIESKI

I am the leader of the token nerds. Maybe you remember me from "A Soldier's Daughter Never Cries?" Of course, that would require staying awake through the movie. Please look for me in this summer's "Eyes Wide Shut." It will be a lot better than this piece of shit movie.

DREW pulls up to school in her brother's car. This is funny because her brother's car is yellow. Drew is wearing clothes that not even Cher would buy, including a sombrero.

IMPRESSIONABLE TEENAGE AUDIENCE

Weren't you in E.T. or something?

DREW shuts the door of her car and her boa gets caught in the door. This is funny.

INT. STEREOTYPICAL HIGH SCHOOL

DREW BARRYMORE

Hey, popular people! I am cool! Hey look, I can do the Macarena!

DREW trips. This is very funny. The POPULAR GIRLS keep walking and ignore her.

INT. ENGLISH CLASS

MICHAEL VARTAN

I am your teacher. Like everyone else at this high school, I will easily believe that you are 17 without even asking to look at your driver's license. You are 17, aren't you?

DREW BARRYMORE

I'm 17...and I produced this movie. Totally.

MICHAEL

Okay. We will fall in love. That will make this movie a ROMANTIC COMEDY

IMPRESSIONABLE TEENAGE AUDIENCE

Narly! This movie has everything! Comedy, romance, and Molly Shannon sucking on a banana!

MOLLY SHANNON

Penis penis penis.

DAVID ARQUETTE

Hi! I am David Arquette. Please see this movie instead of "Ravenous." Drew, I though you could use some help convincing people that you are cool, so I enrolled in high school.

DREW BARRYMORE

Good idea! Now I can be popular and finish my cover story!

STUPID POPULAR PEOPLE

We believe that David is 18. He is automatically popular because...well, the story calls for it.

DAVID

You all should like Drew. She is cool.

STUPID POPULAR PEOPLE

Okay. Hey Drew! Let's go shopping!

INT. SCHOOL PROM

DREW BARRYMORE

I am so glad that I got asked to the Prom by the most popular boy in school. This movie is the best EVER!

JEREMY JORDAN

I am popular for no reason. I hate this piece of shit movie. Please shoot me.

ANNOYING FACULTY MEMBER

And the Prom Queen is...Drew Barrymore!

DREW BARRYMORE

This is SO not a dream! I love this! Totally!

STUPID POPULAR PEOPLE

Hey, let's play a prank on Leelee because she is a token nerd. She has done nothing to us, but it will be funny if we do something mean to her. Let's throw dog food on her!

DREW BARRYMORE

Nooooo! You are bad people. I am from the Chicago Sun Times. I am really 26. Totally. I am writing a story on you because the city of Chicago gives a shit about your Prom and your social life.

EVERYONE

Wow, you are 26! You look like you're 17! You lied to us you stupid bitch!

IMPRESSIONABLE TEENAGE AUDIENCE

Bummer, man. Pass me a Kleenex!

DREW BARRYMORE

The moral of this story is that popularity doesn't matter. Please remember that I produced this movie.

EVERYONE

Oh, okay...we forgive you.

DREW and MICHAEL fall in love and live happily ever after. This is unpredictable.

SMART AUDIENCE MEMBERS AND MOST MOVIE CRITICS

That was the worst piece of shit movie that I have ever seen.

DREW BARRYMORE

Totally.

END

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