NATIONAL TREASURE 2: BOOK OF SECRETS
The Abridged Script
EXT. WASHINGTON DC
NICOLAS CAGE and JUSTIN BARTHA complain sarcastically.
I've lost my Ferrari and I can't get laid. No one wants to buy my book. I'm in massive debt.
Everyone thinks my great-great-grandfather helped the guy who was working with the guy who killed Abraham Lincoln.
That's not that bad, you're still super rich and nobody really pays atten-
MY ANCESTORS ARE EVERYTHING I HAVE! AND THE ONLY WAY TO PROVE THEIR INNOCENCE IS BY FINDING THE TREASURE!!
...Actually, if you were to take two damn seconds to think about it, finding the treasure wouldn't prove anything except that the treasure exists-
EXT. PARIS, FRANCE
JUSTIN BARTHA uses a TOY from RADIO SHACK to find a CHRONOLOGICALLY INACCURATE CLUE on one of the three Statues of Liberty.
If only a French police officer with unrealistically good English were to pass by conveniently and translate this clue for us!
FRENCH POLICE OFFICER WITH UNREALISTICALLY GOOD ENGLISH
(passing by conveniently)
Eureka! Are you pompously scrunching up your face like that to complete the stereotype that the French are snooty little dickfaces?
FRENCH POLICE OFFICER
What? No, the sun's bouncing off some enormous, reflective surface straight into my eyes. If only I could see what it was-
It's an occupational hazard of being in a Nic Cage movie, sorry. Just say your lines and it'll all be over.
FRENCH POLICE OFFICER
Ugh, fine, "go to London."
INT. BUCKINGHAM PALACE
JUSTIN BARTHA sets up a command center in a bathroom stall by displaying the APPLE LOGO as much as possible. DIANE KRUGER shows up to do virtually nothing while NICOLAS proceeds to EMBARRASS HIMSELF and PISS OFF everyone in England. This somehow gives him access to the Queen's DESK/RUBIKS CUBE.
A four digit combination! There are literally thousands of possibilities, but hey, we have Google.
An ancient plank of wood with Olmec symbols! How is this not crumbling in my fingers?
Suddenly ED HARRIS and his group of ALMOST-AS-BALD-AS-ED-HARRIS CRONIES arrive to FUCK SHIT UP. There's a CAR CHASE! And GUNS! And absolutely no COPS responding to the SPEEDING, GUNFIRE, and DESTRUCTION OF PUBLIC PROPERTY.
Since the only camera we have isn't working, I'll need to run a red light, hold the plank up so the red light camera gets a shot of it, then have Justin hack into the police database and extract the surprisingly high quality photo, then throw the plank into the river we'll conveniently be crossing over-
What the fuck? Why does our camera have to be broken? What does running a red light add to the story? And what's with the product placement all over the goddamn place?
(guzzling Aquafina, licking a Mercedes)
What product placement?
INT. UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND
DIANE, JUSTIN, NICOLAS, and his dad, JON VOIGHT visit HELEN MIRREN so she can translate the plank of wood.
Hello Nicolas, I'm your mother.
Are we really supposed to believe that? I just assumed I was born in a test tube or something; Jon looks completely absurd.
You should've seen me in Heat.
Tequila makes you do crazy things, son. By the way, your piece of wood is a treasure map to the city of gold.
Hell yeah it is.
NICOLAS finds a CLUE, which leads them to another CLUE, which leads them to a KEY that unlocks NICOLAS' ability to become OVER-DRAMATIC.
I have to kidnap the Pope of the- uh, I mean, the PRESIDENT of the United States. He's at Mount Vatican- er, Vernon. Mount Vernon.
Did you accidentally pick up the script for Angels and Demons again?
Dammit, yeah. But it's okay, I can fix this.
NICOLAS takes his script and crosses out "Illuminati" and "Raphael" and writes in "Lincoln Assassination" and "morning glory sparklers".
That explains a lot.
Now, where were we? Oh right, I'm going to kidnap the President of the United States.
Whatever. As long as we don't have to go to Vegas.
EXT. MOUNT VERNON, VIRGINIA
NICOLAS sneaks into PRESIDENT BRUCE GREENWOOD'S birthday party unbelievably easily.
Happy birthday, Mr. President. Your security is pitiful, by the way. I literally walked right in.
PRESIDENT BRUCE GREENWOOD
I know, that's the last time I hire anyone off Craigslist. Anyway, you having fun? We tried to book a juggler but all we got was Randy Travis.
NICOLAS traps BRUCE in the CELLAR.
I'm running out of people to solve all my clues for me, so I need your secret book/answer key.
PRESIDENT BRUCE GREENWOOD
I have no such thing.
Just kidding. It's at the Library of Congress. But be careful, the FBI knows you held me against my will tonight, which means you'll have a bunch of cop cars speeding behind you but never actually impeding your progress for the rest of the movie.
Couldn't you just tell them the door closed behind you accidentally? I mean, I clearly have no harmful intentions-
PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
TALKING REASONABLY IS FOR PUSSIES, LET'S HAVE ANOTHER CAR CHASE!
Some CARS chase the MOTHERFUCKING FUCK OUT OF EACH OTHER until they CRASH into a FIREBALL shaped like an EAGLE.
PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
(crushing can of red bull into forehead)
AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!
EXT. MOUNT RUSHMORE, SOUTH DAKOTA
Despite being the MOST WANTED MAN IN THE COUNTRY, NICOLAS manages to drive over 1,000 miles from Washington DC to South Dakota in about a night with no problems whatsoever. ED HARRIS holds HELEN MIRREN hostage in order to get NICOLAS to lead him to the CITY OF GOLD.
Wow, you're holding one of my parents hostage? This doesn't remind me of the first movie at all.
I brunch with Sean Bean on Tuesdays. Now kindly look past the fact that I'm currently pointing a gun at your mother and collaborate with me so I can take full credit for the discovery of the treasure.
The group finds the entrance to some ANCIENT OLMEC CAVES, which are sure to have extensive security measures considering they lead to THE GREATEST AND MOST VALUABLE NATIVE AMERICAN TREASURE OF ALL TIME. They encounter ONE TRAP.
That's it? ONE trap? Jesus, the Goonies had to deal with more than this.
Look, there's something carved into the wall!
"Lara Croft was here". Dammit, I wanted first comment.
A whole bunch of STONE moves around. JON and HELEN are separated from the group for NO REASON. They FIGHT. Then they MAKE OUT. Mostly they accomplish NOTHING while HELEN shows an uncomfortable amount of BOOB.
INT. THE "CITY" OF GOLD
This is it? THIS is the City of Gold? El Dorado? It just looks like Bruce Wayne got carried away with some gold legos in the Batcave.
In his anger, JUSTIN violates REALITY by picking up a MASSIVE BRICK OF GOLD as if it had the weight of one of the WRITER'S BRAINS.
Hey... hold on, gold wasn't utilized until a few hundred years after the Olmec...
Yeah... and they lived in Mexico, which is 2,000 miles south of here. So really, the entire premise of the City of Gold in this movie is completely nonsensical-
(changing the subject)
Suddenly, the city/basement FLOODS. The group makes their way to a POORLY DESIGNED DRAIN, and ED HARRIS decides to stop being the BAD GUY, after which he is promptly KILLED OFF.
I'm sorry I framed your ancestor!! I just wanted you to help me find the treasure so I could make my mark on historyyy!!
What the hell? If you wanted my help, why were you shooting at me earlier? I wouldn't have been much use if I was dead.
INT. THE CITY OF GOLD AGAIN, INEXPLICABLY DRY
The patriotic music swells and everyone pats each other on the back while RED, WHITE, and BLUE FIREWORKS explode in the background.
Well, it could've been worse. We could've pulled an Indiana Jones and had aliens or some shit at the end.
Didn't you catch all the Area 51 references and the obvious cliffhanger? That's exactly what we're going to do.