Mystery Men: The Abridged Script
By Rod | Aug 7th, 1999 |
5 Comments
| Movie: 
FADE IN:
INT. OLD FOLKS HOME
BEN STILLER, HANK AZARIA, and WILLIAM H. MACY busy themselves by being beaten up. Suddenly, CAPTAIN KINNEAR shows up!
CAPTAIN KINNEAR
Ha ha! You will notice I have many powers, including having an acting career after Talk Soup!
CAPTAIN KINNEAR saves the day while showing off all of his endorsement stickers.
AUDIENCE
Ha ha ha! Look at those stickers! It is funny how commercialized he is! I’m sure that’s not the director’s oh- so-subtle way of actually advertising those companies!
DIRECTOR KINKA USHER
Do you see how cleverly my movie makes fun of summer blockbuster mega-budget superhero movies by being one itself? I am quite clever, you see. Speaking of cleverness…..
PAUL REUBENS enters and promptly FARTS in a high-brow, clever way.
AUDIENCE
(wetting themselves)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
The film then makes a semi-subtle jab at superhero films.
AUDIENCE
(dead silent)
…
PAUL farts again to appease them.
HOWARD STERN
(as Fart Man)
Hey! Bastard.
INT. GEOFFREY RUSH’S CASTLE
GEOFFREY plots how to kill the heros. He realizes that his clever sendup of typical movie supervillains isn’t bringing enough laughs, so he calls upon the help of his LAME STEREOTYPE GANGS, including the beer-loving fratboys and the afro-wearing disco freaks.
Our super-team bumbles around, mastering their powers and discovering themselves. BEN STILLER also learns how to flirt correctly with CLAIRE FORLANI.
Then, CAPTAIN KINNEAR dies.
KEL MITCHELL actually turns invisible! WILLIAM H. MACY shovels the hell out of a disco punk! HANK AZARIA gains his mommy’s approval to fight crime! WES STUDI learns to speak semi-coherently! JENEANE GARAFALO makes a 7-10 split! PAUL farts! Again!
GEOFFREY RUSH
(incomprehensible accent)
Oh no, I am beaten! By a bunch of two- bit wannabes! Yet I still took out Kinnear! He must really suck. It’s a good thing he died.
While GEOFFREY tries to get over the fact that they ACTUALLY FUCKING KILLED Kinnear, the super-team of misfits shoves him into a de-atomizer thing or something which kills him.
The MYSTERY MEN and WOMAN and BOY are now the new superheros!
INT. JOEL SCHUMACHER’S HOME
DIRECTOR KINKA USHER kicks JOEL SCHUMACHER in the balls a few more times.
END
“DIRECTOR KINKA USHER kicks JOEL SCHUMACHER in the balls a few more times.”
HAHAHAHAHA! Brilliant.
December 2nd, 2007 at 6:26 amI liked Mystery Men.
December 30th, 2007 at 2:33 pmone of my favorite movies of all times
although whenever I ask anyone if they have seen it
they havent
I will admit it isnt one of the best movies in the world
it could be inproved with the use of actual swearing instead of having Ben Stiller say “mama pajama” when a building blows up- I’m not joking, that was such a horrendous line I will never forget it.
When I saw this movie as a kid I alsways thought that character looked like my dads cousin. Turns out, the character was Eddie Izzard, which I never knew until I watched it recently (because I hadnt seen any of his stand-up before seeing this movie). Im amazed that someone who has actual talent did a movie like this.
June 9th, 2008 at 4:56 pm“one of my favorite movies of all times”
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:02 pmI cringe whenever someomne says that.
I've never seen the entire movie, do they really kill Captain Kinnear (I don't remember the name)? I saw the death scene, but I thought that they brought it back somehow afterwards. Geeeeeez…….
December 7th, 2009 at 7:11 pm