"After further consideration, I've realized that none of us know how to play street hockey."


"After further consideration, I've realized that none of us know how to play street hockey."

MYSTERY MEN

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. OLD FOLKS HOME

BEN STILLER, HANK AZARIA, and WILLIAM H. MACY busy themselves by being beaten up. Suddenly, CAPTAIN KINNEAR shows up!

CAPTAIN KINNEAR

Ha ha! You will notice I have many powers, including having an acting career after Talk Soup!

CAPTAIN KINNEAR saves the day while showing off all of his endorsement stickers.

AUDIENCE

Ha ha ha! Look at those stickers! It is funny how commercialized he is! I'm sure that's not the director's oh- so-subtle way of actually advertising those companies!

DIRECTOR KINKA USHER

Do you see how cleverly my movie makes fun of summer blockbuster mega-budget superhero movies by being one itself? I am quite clever, you see. Speaking of cleverness.....

PAUL REUBENS enters and promptly FARTS in a high-brow, clever way.

AUDIENCE

(wetting themselves)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

The film then makes a semi-subtle jab at superhero films.

AUDIENCE

(dead silent)

...

PAUL farts again to appease them.

HOWARD STERN

(as Fart Man)

Hey! Bastard.

INT. GEOFFREY RUSH'S CASTLE

GEOFFREY plots how to kill the heros. He realizes that his clever sendup of typical movie supervillains isn't bringing enough laughs, so he calls upon the help of his LAME STEREOTYPE GANGS, including the beer-loving fratboys and the afro-wearing disco freaks.

Our super-team bumbles around, mastering their powers and discovering themselves. BEN STILLER also learns how to flirt correctly with CLAIRE FORLANI.

Then, CAPTAIN KINNEAR dies.

KEL MITCHELL actually turns invisible! WILLIAM H. MACY shovels the hell out of a disco punk! HANK AZARIA gains his mommy's approval to fight crime! WES STUDI learns to speak semi-coherently! JENEANE GARAFALO makes a 7-10 split! PAUL farts! Again!

GEOFFREY RUSH

(incomprehensible accent)

Oh no, I am beaten! By a bunch of two- bit wannabes! Yet I still took out Kinnear! He must really suck. It's a good thing he died.

While GEOFFREY tries to get over the fact that they ACTUALLY FUCKING KILLED Kinnear, the super-team of misfits shoves him into a de-atomizer thing or something which kills him.

The MYSTERY MEN and WOMAN and BOY are now the new superheros!

INT. JOEL SCHUMACHER'S HOME

DIRECTOR KINKA USHER kicks JOEL SCHUMACHER in the balls a few more times.

END

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