The Mummy: The Abridged Script
By Rod | Jul 6th, 1999 |
16 Comments
| Movie: 
FADE IN:
EXT. A BROWN LOCATION
DIRECTOR STEPHEN SOMMERS
This is a suspense action adventure thriller horror comedy. If you find a flaw in the movie, it’s actually a clever parody of the real thing! Isn’t this movie great?
BRENDAN FRASER
No.
BRENDAN runs around, saving people from CGI. Eventually, the MUMMY is released.
MUMMY
Boo.
The MUMMY is not scary, but instead humorous and a complete ripoff of the Terminator. Eventually it turns into BILLY ZANE, as played by ARNOLD VOSLOO.
ARNOLD VOSLOO
How sad is it that a scary monster is so stupid looking that it’s scarier when human?
DIRECTOR STEPHEN SOMMERS
See, that’s OK! I’m actually satirizing bad monster movies!
There is a cheesy-looking duel with some mummy-like creatures. BRENDAN saves the day! And the girl!
ARNOLD VOSLOO
Be afraid of me! I was the villain in Titanic!
BRENDAN FRASER
No you weren’t.
ARNOLD VOSLOO
DO NOT DESTROY MY DREAMS! I AM BILLY ZANE DAMMIT!
ARNOLD attacks BRENDAN but BRENDAN instead kills him using a talisman or some other shit, I wasn’t really paying attention.
They leave the brown place and go to another brown place just as the previous brown place caves it on itself, killing BILLY ZANE and the WEASEL JERK WE HATE.
EXT. ANOTHER BROWN PLACE
BRENDAN FRASER
Well, that was fun. I love you, female lead.
RANDOM FEMALE LEAD
I suppose I also love you then.
They salute the exploding cave patriotically, turn all of the money they gained over to charity, and walk off into the sunset.
END
Not so much of a random female lead today !!!
December 4th, 2007 at 12:26 pmphew!!! i’m glad i’m not the only one who gets billy zane and arnold vosloo mixed up! great job!
February 2nd, 2008 at 12:43 amand how bout that there not payin attention part haha the complete awesomness, of it all, folks. ha*just stopped laughin after heaps* i got harisson ford and steve martin confused one time too?
March 30th, 2008 at 5:05 amSome times these scripts of yours can get a little dated. Rachel Weisz is an A-lister now (and I’m pretty sure this movie was her jump-start) while nobody knows who the hell Billy Zane is anymore.
April 24th, 2008 at 8:03 pmAnd where is Brendan Frazier now?
In the third Mummy film without Weisz. Who has an Oscar.
Ouch.
May 17th, 2008 at 4:13 pmThis film actually helped me get over my depression after Indiana Jones IV put so much dick into its own mouth. Hell, even the Mummy Returns (constructed mostly out of garbage) captures the spirit better than Kingdom of Fuckskulls.
June 11th, 2008 at 11:38 pmWeisz is a great actress (and very pretty, to boot), but Rod is correct in calling her the “Random Female Lead” – in this movie, you could have replaced her with just about any young, attractive actress, and the movie really wouldn’t have changed.
And yes, I too am glad to not be the only one to confuse Vosloo for Zane.
June 24th, 2008 at 9:13 amI havent seen the sequels but i heard they get worse as you go along.
Brendan just seemed to be channeling George of the Jungle…again.
August 17th, 2008 at 3:30 amAh how times have changed…
Rachel Weisz is huge!
Haven’t seen Billy Zane in decades unless you count Blood Diamond….
The Mummy Returns is ten times worse, THIS movie is great fun.
September 8th, 2008 at 4:39 amNuff said.
Phew, I’m glad I wasn’t the only one who had no clue who the girl playing Evie was (until she was in like 20 other movies after that and then everyone knew who Rachel Weisz was) yet it’s still a shame (sort of) that she had scheduling conflicts and couldn’t be in number 3 (maybe she did that one purpose?)
September 30th, 2008 at 2:04 pmHoly shit, all these years I actually thought the mummy WAS Billy Zane. I rarely watch credits, and not until reading this script did I go to imdb.com to check.
Jesus, that’s messed up.
November 15th, 2008 at 12:33 amOded Fehr [disguised in Bedoin dress, with facial tattoos]:
I’m actually the hottest male character in this movie. Brendan can kiss my a$$.
February 25th, 2009 at 7:47 amWhile this was probably the 2nd live action movie i ever saw as a little kid and i still love it to death you still manage to make me laugh at it. However, pls don’t hold that fact against me, its not like i’m a fan of the sequels. (shudder)
March 1st, 2009 at 3:48 amHoly Shit, I’m in tears laughing – good work, Rod!
March 15th, 2009 at 1:53 pmI like this movie, I like this Abridged script, it’s all good. *thumbs up*
May 29th, 2009 at 9:18 amI cannot believe you gave tis film only one star, and then give loads of crap films a better rating!
April 20th, 2010 at 6:57 am