"You get paid HOW MUCH to do sequels to this garbage???!??!!"


"You get paid HOW MUCH to do sequels to this garbage???!??!!"

THE MUMMY

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. A BROWN LOCATION

DIRECTOR STEPHEN SOMMERS

This is a suspense action adventure thriller horror comedy. If you find a flaw in the movie, it's actually a clever parody of the real thing! Isn't this movie great?

BRENDAN FRASER

No.

BRENDAN runs around, saving people from CGI. Eventually, the MUMMY is released.

MUMMY

Boo.

The MUMMY is not scary, but instead humorous and a complete ripoff of the Terminator. Eventually it turns into BILLY ZANE, as played by ARNOLD VOSLOO.

ARNOLD VOSLOO

How sad is it that a scary monster is so stupid looking that it's scarier when human?

DIRECTOR STEPHEN SOMMERS

See, that's OK! I'm actually satirizing bad monster movies!

There is a cheesy-looking duel with some mummy-like creatures. BRENDAN saves the day! And the girl!

ARNOLD VOSLOO

Be afraid of me! I was the villain in Titanic!

BRENDAN FRASER

No you weren't.

ARNOLD VOSLOO

DO NOT DESTROY MY DREAMS! I AM BILLY ZANE DAMMIT!

ARNOLD attacks BRENDAN but BRENDAN instead kills him using a talisman or some other shit, I wasn't really paying attention.

They leave the brown place and go to another brown place just as the previous brown place caves it on itself, killing BILLY ZANE and the WEASEL JERK WE HATE.

EXT. ANOTHER BROWN PLACE

BRENDAN FRASER

Well, that was fun. I love you, female lead.

RANDOM FEMALE LEAD

I suppose I also love you then.

They salute the exploding cave patriotically, turn all of the money they gained over to charity, and walk off into the sunset.

END

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