"Damn, you got Cohibas? OK, you're in."


"Damn, you got Cohibas? OK, you're in."

MULAN

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. IMPERIAL PALACE

GENERAL JAMES SHIGETA meets with EMPEROR PAT MORITA.

GENERAL JAMES SHIGETA

Grave news, Your Highness. Miguel Ferrer's army of Huns has crossed over our shitty wall!

EMPEROR PAT MORITA

Damn Mongolians! Conscript as many MEN as you can to stop them. Any extra MAN could make a difference.

GENERAL JAMES SHIGETA

Any extra MAN, Your Highness?

EMPEROR PAT MORITA

Yes, General, any extra MAN. A single grain of rice can tip the scale, and that grain had better have a dong.

INT. ANCIENT CHINESE VILLAGE

MING-NA WEN runs into a BEAUTY SHOP, where her grandmother, JUNE FORAY, is waiting.

MING-NA WEN

Sorry I'm late, Grandma. I was busy establishing my character as a clumsy pixie dream girl who isn't taking this whole husband-finding thing seriously.

JUNE FORAY

Well, now you're here, so we can get your iconic costume made.

MING-NA WEN

Isn't Father's armor going to be my iconic costume?

JUNE FORAY

Oh, you WISH. Ladies?

DRESSERS

(to tune of "Honor to Us All")

The modern Disney princess is allowed to have a thought

As long as she can sing

As long as she is hot!

JUNE FORAY

Before you fight and smash

We will bind you in a bright red sash

Fashion montage first

And then kick ass

We will pander to them all!

MING-NA goes to see matchmaker MIRIAM MARGOLYES. CLUMSINESS ensues.

MIRIAM MARGOLYES

Oh, honey, I look like the kid from Up's crazy grandma and even I think you're hopeless.

MING-NA runs off in DISHONOR.

MING-NA WEN

(to tune of "Reflection")

Who is this girl on screen?

It could be any tween

Now you can project yourself

Into my shoes

This film would be all wrong

With no big "I Want" song

I am the projection of your hormonal angst!

Her father, SOON-TEK OH, joins her.

SOON-TEK OH

Hey, kiddo. No husband for you, huh?

MING-NA WEN

No. I guess you're the only man who will ever understand me.

SOON-TEK OH

I do, honey. And I always will.

Bureaucrat JAMES HONG rides up.

JAMES HONG

Attention, all able-bodied men! The Emperor wants YOU for the Chinese Army!

SOON-TEK OH

Welp, off I go.

MING-NA WEN

Father, no! You walk with a cane and you're like 50 years old! You wouldn't make it ten paces!

SOON-TEK OH

Ming-Na, get back in the house and get ready for your violin lesson!

MING-NA runs off in DISHONOR.

MING-NA WEN

If I'm to defeat the patriarchy... I must BECOME the patriarchy.

She steals SOON-TEK's ARMOR and runs off in HONOR. This awakens family ancestor GEORGE TAKEI'S GHOST, who awakens EDDRAGON MURPHY.

EDDRAGON MURPHY

OTAY! Whatcha need, big man? Say the word, I bring it to ya! I bring the fire, I bring the claws, I bring the bright red leather...

GEORGE TAKEI'S GHOST

ENOUGH, EDDRAGON. YOU MUST BRING MING-NA BACK TO HER FAMILY.

EDDRAGON MURPHY

That's it? Awww, man, I can do so much more than princess-hunt!

GEORGE TAKEI'S GHOST

YOU REALLY CAN'T. I'VE HEARD "PARTY ALL THE TIME." NOW GO.

EXT. MILITARY CAMP

EDDRAGON catches up with MING-NA.

EDDRAGON MURPHY

Did somebody order a designated animal sidekick?!

MING-NA WEN

Well, I already have the cricket.

FRANK WELKER

Chirp.

MING-NA WEN

And the horse.

FRANK WELKER

Neigh.

MING-NA WEN

And the puppy.

FRANK WELKER

That was someone else, actually. Where's my flask?

EDDRAGON MURPHY

Well, too bad! I'm here to teach you everything there is to know about manliness!

MING-NA WEN

You? You look like a flaccid penis with teeth. I'll pass.

EDDRAGON MURPHY

Listen, baby, I didn't even want to come to the studio to read these lines. Let's both try to make the best of this, huh?

MING-NA WEN

OK, fine. What do I do first?

EDDRAGON MURPHY

First we better find your designated human sidekicks. Try those guys, they belong here even less than you do. Go up there and talk about man things!

MING-NA walks over to THE UGLY SHORT ONE, THE SQUEAKY SKINNY ONE, and THE BIG FAT ONE.

MING-NA WEN

(coughs)

Ummm... How do you do, fellow males? Isn't it a lovely day to, uh, have a Y chromosome?

THE UGLY SHORT ONE

Listen, bub, I'm gonna threaten you into silence to mask my insecurity about my height.

THE SQUEAKY SKINNY ONE

Haha! I'm going to goad him on to mask my insecurity about my complete lack of muscle tone!

THE BIG FAT ONE

(stuffs face full of Kung Pao chicken)

Mmmf, mmmf. Mmmf mmmf mmmf mmmf mmmf, MMMF mmmf mmmf.

MING-NA WEN

God, men are disgusting. Why did I think it was a good idea to-

CAPTAIN B.D. WONG appears.

MING-NA WEN

Sploosh.

CAPTAIN B.D. WONG

Listen up, troops. My father, the general, expects me to be a younger, hotter version of himself, and the only way I can pull that off is for all of you to not suck. Now can you manage that on day 1, or do I need to inspire you to greatness in song first?

TROOPS

INSPIRE US IN SONG, SIR!

CAPTAIN B.D. WONG

That was the right answer.

(to tune of "I'll Make a Man Out of You")

Let's come out and say it

War is just for men

TROOPS

BRAH!

CAPTAIN B.D. WONG

Only cocks are worthy

Not some egg-filled hen

We just cannot stress this point enough

But in case we weren't clear:

Shut your mouth

Go inside

Get me beer!

THE UGLY SHORT ONE

That doesn't really help me much

Girls won't even bend to kiss me!

THE SQUEAKY SKINNY ONE

Think you've got it bad?

I sound like Wallace Shawn!

EDDRAGON MURPHY

These recruits are weak as hell!

MING-NA WEN

Hope they never see my boobies!

THE BIG FAT ONE

(stuffs face full of shrimp fried rice)

Mmmf mmmf mmmf mmmf mmmf mmmf

Mmmf mmmf mmmf mmmf MMMMMMMF!

TROOPS

Get us beer!

CAPTAIN B.D. WONG

Take off your shoes and bring me a sammich

TROOPS

And a beer!

CAPTAIN B.D. WONG

Agree with every dumb thing I say

TROOPS

Due to beer!

CAPTAIN B.D. WONG

Don't interrupt when I'm watching football

Unless you save all of China, don't complain!

TROOPS

BRAH!

They all stop sucking, including MING-NA!

EDDRAGON MURPHY

That's my girl! Now that she's completely over her incredible physical disadvantage, she can honor up, and so can I!

FRANK WELKER

(hey, dumbass, wasn't your job to bring her home?)

Chirp.

EDDRAGON MURPHY

Naw, fuck that. Write up a fake order from the general. We need to get to that mountain scene before things get stupid.

FRANK WELKER

(but they already cast you)

Chirp.

EDDRAGON MURPHY

You want me to turn you into protein powder? Start writing!

EXT. MOUNTAINS

The TROOPS march to the MEETING POINT, singing a JAUNTY TUNE.

TROOPS

(to tune of "A Girl Worth Fighting For")

When my spirits sag

And I feel like a wussy

Nothing gets them right back up

Like thoughts of pussy

I'll be pulling in the finest babes

Once all the Huns are gone

Now that I've got

A dick worth sitting on!

Suddenly, MIGUEL FERRER and the HUNS attack!

CAPTAIN B.D. WONG

Oh FUCK. Whatever you do, protect the cannons that won't exist for another 600 years at least!

MING-NA uses one of those to trigger an AVALANCHE that buries the HUNS but, somehow, none of the ARMY.

MING-NA WEN

WHO'S GOT A ROCKET IN HER POCKET NOW, BEEYOTCH!

(faints)

She is taken to a MEDICAL TENT.

MEDIC

I have diagnosed her with small tits. I mean, SMALL tits. Like, Lola Bunny got a better rack.

CAPTAIN B.D. WONG

Well, hey, there's a tag for that on Por- What do you mean, HER?

JAMES HONG

HA! I knew something was up when she skipped out on watching The Expendables! Off with her head!

CAPTAIN B.D. WONG

(pauses)

Nah. That cannon thing was sweet.

They leave MING-NA on the MOUNTAIN.

EDDRAGON MURPHY

Shit. I thought them titties would be small enough for the con.

MING-NA WEN

(sighs)

EDDRAGON MURPHY

Oh, I have to do the spirit-granny pep talk thing now, huh?

(coughs)

Listen to your heart, honey... Or is it WITH your heart?

But then MIGUEL and the HUNS emerge!

MING-NA WEN

Pep talk later. We've got a palace that won't exist for another 800 years at least to save!

EXT. FUCK ACCURACY

MIGUEL and the HUNS take EMPEROR PAT MORITA hostage.

MIGUEL FERRER

MWA-HA-HA! Now your nation belongs to me and these five other guys!

EMPEROR PAT MORITA

Whatever. I bet you can't even catch a fly with chopsticks.

MIGUEL FERRER

It's really fucking hard, okay?!

Outside, MING-NA catches up with the TROOPS.

MING-NA WEN

Hey, guys! Wanna save the Emperor?

THE UGLY SHORT ONE

Yeah!

THE SQUEAKY SKINNY ONE

Yeah!

THE BIG FAT ONE

(stuffs face full of sweet-and-sour pork)

MMMF!

MING-NA WEN

Great. Here are three dresses I found on the street somewhere I guess. You play concubines, and I'll do the real work.

INT. MOVIE THEATRE

LITTLE GIRL

Mommy, what's a "concubine?"

MOTHER

Ummm... It's kind of like Daddy's new wife, only with nicer makeup.

INT. IMPERIAL PALACE

MING-NA defeats MIGUEL with her COURAGE, CUNNING, and DRAGON. Mostly her DRAGON, if we're being honest.

EMPEROR PAT MORITA

Gotta admit, Ming-Na, that was pretty sweet. Reminds me of an unattractive American girl I once knew. Want to advise me?

MING-NA WEN

No, thanks. Can I go home?

EMPEROR PAT MORITA

All that and you want to end up right back where you started?!

MING-NA WEN

It's in the legend, dude.

INT. HOME

B.D. arrives.

CAPTAIN B.D. WONG

So it turns out you're pretty cute no matter which gender I think you are. Will you make a poorly received direct-to-video sequel with me?

JUNE FORAY

Do it, Ming-Na! Looks to me like "B.D." stands for "big damn," know what I mean?

MING-NA WEN

Okay, I'll give it a shot. But you have to promise to respect me as an equal and take on 50 percent of the housework and-

CAPTAIN B.D. WONG

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You still have that armor?

EDDRAGON MURPHY

So she gets a sword, a man, Pat Morita telling her she's cool... What do I get?!

GEORGE TAKEI'S GHOST

I HAVE SEEN NOMINATIONS FOR 12 MORE RAZZIES AND ONE OSCAR.

EDDRAGON MURPHY

Really? Do I win?

GEORGE TAKEI'S GHOST

...YEEEESSSS.

EDDRAGON MURPHY

HOT DAMN! Let's party!

GEORGE TAKEI'S GHOST

(smirks)

OHHH MYYY.

END

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