Remember paintball etiquette: if someone has been tagged, don't shoot them again.


Remember paintball etiquette: if someone has been tagged, don't shoot them again.

MR. AND MRS. SMITH

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. MARRAIGE THERAPIST'S OFFICE

BRAD PITT and ANGELINA JOLIE talk to a THERAPIST about their TEDIOUS MARRIAGE.

BRAD PITT

...so all of the attention was nice for a while, but eventually the tabloid orgy began overshadowing our actual careers.

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

I'm still having trouble getting "Tomb Raider 3: The Search For A Quick Buck" off the ground.

THERAPIST

Tell me about your sex life. Like, all about it. Do you have any photos, actually?

BRAD PITT

Oh, it's basically nonexistent.

THERAPIST

That's too bad. I suppose that's what you'd expect from fifteen or so years of marriage.

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

Oh, we've only been married for six years.

THERAPIST

Six years? Six years and you're complaining about a stale marriage that you rushed into? And you don't have kids? You know, they actually have this new thing called divorce...

BRAD PITT

But we used to ooze chemistry on screen together! Here, watch an awkward flashback about it.

EXT. COLUMBIA - TOO FEW YEARS AGO TO JUSTIFY THE STORY

BRAD and ANGELINA run into each other under strange circumstances. ANGELINA hides a knife under her dress and deceptive camera-work makes it seem like BRAD sees this, but he DOESN'T. They OOZE CHEMISTRY because they're actually FUCKING in real life, so they must. Later, they compete in a shooting contest, and both do so well as to arouse suspicion.

BRAD PITT

Despite my training as an assassin, I will ignore this oddity and fall deeper in love with you based on your unnecessarily competitive behavior.

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

Let's go play paint-ball, cock sucker!

INT. EXTREMELY EXPENSIVE-LOOKING HOME - PRESENT DAY

BRAD PITT and ANGELINA JOLIE show us how boring their marriage is, helpfully illustrated by having them both walk around half naked for a little while.

BRAD PITT

Doesn't our marriage suck?!

They both go off to their respective jobs as ASSASSINS. BRAD PITT enters a secret room under his TOOL SHED to get his weapons, while ANGELINA has a high-tech display case inside her OVEN.

BRAD PITT

My alternate life remains hidden because no self-respecting woman would ever go into her husband's tool shed!

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

And men never use ovens, ha ha!

BRAD PITT

Doesn't this mean your oven is full of gunpowder?

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

This should be ignored for the sake of the joke!

BRAD PITT

So it's just like everything else in the movie, then?

INT. BRAD'S SECRET OFFICE BUILDING

BRAD PITT enters his SHITTY SECRET OFFICE and greets VINCE VAUGHN playing THE SAME GODDAMN CHARACTER HE ALWAYS PLAYS.

BRAD'S BOSS

Your next mission is to kill Adam Brody.

BRAD PITT

The little shit from The O.C.?

BRAD'S BOSS

Yep. And don't just shoot him, either, use a rocket launcher for absolutely no reason.

BRAD PITT

Check. I'll make sure to do it out in the open too, like any assassin would.

INT. ANGELINA'S SECRET OFFICE BUILDING

ANGELINA enters her ULTRA HIGH-TECH AND SUPER-ORGANIZED SECRET OFFICE and greets dozens of STRONG, POWERFUL WOMEN.

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

Yeah! Grrrrrl power! Anyone boys can kill, we can kill better!

ANGELINA'S BOSS

Your next mission is to kill Adam Brody.

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

That ass itch from The O.C.?

ANGELINA'S BOSS

Yes. And, if possible, try to do it using a ridiculously complex rig of explosives.

EXT. SOMEWHERE

BRAD and ANGELINA try to kill ADAM BRODY. They FAIL, but they discover each other.

BRAD PITT

Oh no! It turns out my wife and I are secretly assassins! Perhaps we should join forces.

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

That wouldn't serve as a thinly stretched analogy for marriage. How about we try and kill each other instead?

They try to KILL each other over and over. BRAD outwits ANGELINA, ANGELINA outwits BRAD, and dry barbs are exchanged.

BRAD PITT

This is symbolically so much like a regular marriage!

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

Here, eat this grenade!

They eventually stop shooting at each other and begin to BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER.

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

This is actually pretty disturbing to see.

BRAD PITT

That's nothing. I'm going to kick you in the stomach while you lay on the ground, helpless. Seriously. I actually do this.

Inappropriately comedic music plays on the soundtrack in an effort to distract from the ten straight minutes of domestic abuse.

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

Oh baby, I'm so sorry we fought! I forgot how much we have in common!

BRAD PITT

What, we both want to kill each other?

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

YES!

They FUCK.

BRAD PITT

Now, let's track down Adam Brody together, which is what we should have originally done an hour or so ago.

They abduct ADAM BRODY, having petty marital squabbles the whole time.

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

Tell us why our bosses want you dead!

ADAM BRODY

They don't. I'm just the bait, they really wanted to get you to try and kill each other. Man, who would ever have guessed that instead of you both deciding to kill your spouse of six years that you would instead join up and work together?

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

So instead of just killing us, our bosses got together and devised a plan to try to make us kill each other.

ADAM BRODY

Not only that, but it actually almost worked, against all logic.

BRAD PITT

Hmm. But who would want us to kill each other?

Suddenly, JENNIFER ANISTON BREAKS DOWN THE DOOR.

JENNIFER ANISTON

It was I! I have nothing but old Friends reruns now, you fuckers!

She calls upon A HUNDRED OR SO RANDOM ARMED INDIVIDUALS. There is a silly battle between EVERYONE, which is less like an ACTION SEQUENCE and more like a MONTAGE. BRAD and ANGELINA don't quite get killed! This brings them CLOSER.

BRAD PITT

Our marital troubles are solved, at the mere price of hundreds of lives!

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

(looking around)

So, at what point did the whole marriage-analogy thing completely fall apart?

END

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