"And we're all gonna keep quiet about that hobo mommy hit, right? Right??"


"And we're all gonna keep quiet about that hobo mommy hit, right? Right??"

MONSTERS UNIVERSITY

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. MONSTERS INC.

A young CGI BILLY CRYSTAL enters the SCREAM FACTORY FLOOR with his CLASSMATES.

CGI YOUNG BILLY CRYSTAL

Oh boy, this is awesome! I'd wet myself in excitement if I had any genitals! Please ignore my lack of accent, apparently I developed that wacky New York patter during puberty.

BILLY watches master scarer JOHN KRASINSKI enter the CLOSET PORTAL and TERRORIZE some CHILDREN.

CGI YOUNG BILLY CRYSTAL

Wow! Someday I want to be big and scary so I can traumatize tiny children by invading their homes and harvesting their precious screams! And that "someday" is going to be TODAY!

BILLY sneaks into the CLOSET PORTAL and watches JOHN ruin some kid's CHILDHOOD.

CGI YOUNG BILLY CRYSTAL

Lifelong obsession: ACQUIRED!

EXT. MONSTERS UNIVERSITY GROUNDS

Years later, slightly less young CGI BILLY CRYSTAL steps off the bus for his FIRST DAY of COLLEGE.

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

Oh boy! This is awesome! I'd shit myself if-

GUIDE

Hey there, freshman! Welcome to college! Let's just throw in a quick reference to the previous film's recurring gag about how you keep getting blocked in your own pictures and you're all set to go!

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

Man, college is going to be amazing! I can't wait to gain fifteen pounds and a venereal disease in my first month before the honeymoon phase dies down and I realize that I'm spending $90,000 on a degree that MIGHT get me an unpaid internship in my chosen field!

GUIDE

Well, to mitigate the risk of your degree being the world's most expensive dust collector, why not join a frat and do a little brown-nosing while you're here?

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

No thanks. I'm not into sexual assault or racist chants.

GUIDE

Good choice. And now, please allow me to introduce you to your roommate.

CGI STEVE BUSCEMI

Sup.

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

PLOT TWIST!

CGI STEVE BUSCEMI

Yeah, I guess I'm your friend for some of this film. Make with the eye jokes. Can't have a Steve Buscemi role without a few buggy eye jokes.

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

Your eyes look like golf balls someone shot at high velocity into the back of your skull. Your eyes look like they're trying to escape your face. You look like a stress doll someone squeezed too much. Why do you keep signing on for roles that mock you for this, even in animated form?

CGI STEVE BUSCEMI

Because I'm a goddam professional. Now let's get to class.

INT. CLASSROOM

BILLY sits down for his FIRST DAY of school.

CGI ALFRED MOLINA

Alright kids, listen up. You all need to buckle down and work hard, because scaring is a tough career path. It's not going to be easy, but if you work hard and put in the effort-

CGI HELEN MIRREN

(swooping in on goddam bat wings)

You will all fail and live out the rest of your miserable lives in squalor.

CGI ALFRED MOLINA

Dean Mirren, I had no idea you'd be joining us on the first day of class to discourage the new students.

CGI HELEN MIRREN

Oh, I'm going to do far more than that. As a matter of fact, I want to make personally sure that each and every one of you fails. You are all useless. You couldn't scare a doe if you were wearing its mother's skin. Please get a degree in programming or medicine or some other useless field and let the real scarers do their job.

(swoops the fuck away)

CGI ALFRED MOLINA

Alright, well, now that you're all reconsidering your career path, let's begin with a lesson. Who can tell me something about roaring?

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

I can! First, you need to-

But then CGI JOHN GOODMAN bursts into the room and unleashes a ROAR straight out of an AMON AMARTH ALBUM.

CGI ALFRED MOLINA

Ah yes, Mr. Goodman. I've heard of your father. He's one of the all time greatest scarers. As such, I completely forgive you for wandering into class fifteen minutes late and disrupting everything.

CGI JOHN GOODMAN

It's awesome being awesome.

CGI ALFRED MOLINA

(swoons)

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

Lifelong rivalry: ACQUIRED!

INT. BILLY'S DORM

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

Alright, there's no time to waste. I need to start studying for that incredibly cliche life or death final at the end of the semester.

CGI STEVE BUSCEMI

Aw, come on, Billy. Live a little. It's literally the first day of school. I'm gonna go do whatever it is gelatinous college-age monsters do at frat parties in PG-rated movies!

CGI JOHN GOODMAN

(climbing in through window)

Shut the fuck up, Donny.

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

Whoa! Whoa! What are you doing in my room?

CGI JOHN GOODMAN

Nothing, just a harmless little prank. I stole this monster pig mascot from another monster school, because apparently there's a whole world of universities dedicated solely to teaching monsters how to growl.

But the PIG THING ESCAPES! BILLY and JOHN chase it down!

CGI NATHAN FILLION

Nice pig-wrangling, John. I'm the head of the biggest, douchiest fraternity on campus, and I think you're just big and douchey enough to fit right in.

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

Wow, Nathan Fillion playing a smug, self-obsessed prick. Really stretching your talents there aren't you, Captain Reynolds?

CGI NATHAN FILLION

Just for that, I'm not letting you into our monster frat.

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

What!? I'm the most dedicated student in school!

CGI NATHAN FILLION

You're not scary.

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

And you look like someone threw Benny the Bull and Grimace into a washing machine and put a letterman jacket on what came out. I'm just as nonthreatening as you. Less so, even. I'll prove it, just you watch!

WEEKS PASS. BILLY spends his time STUDYING and BEING A LOSER. JOHN spends his time FUCKING AROUND and BEING AWESOME. The TEST DAY arrives!

INT. CLASSROOM

CGI JOHN GOODMAN

Stay out of my way, little man. My career in Nathan's frat is on the line here. I can't get shown up by a Happy Meals toy such as yourself.

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

Oh that is it! Fuck the test. MONSTER BATTLE!

They perform some HALF-ASSED SCARES on each other and manage to KNOCK OVER the ONLY DELICATE THING in the ROOM.

CGI HELEN MIRREN

(clambering up from hell)

You nitwits seem to have destroyed the scream-holding can I kept as a memento from my scaring years. It was precious to me. So precious that I left it here, in a crowded classroom, without any sort of protective casing around it. Oh well, accidents happen.

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

They sure do. I'll gladly pay to repair the can if that's what you'd like.

CGI HELEN MIRREN

No no, I'd much rather humiliate you in petty revenge. Please demonstrate your scaring techniques to me.

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

Okay, here I-

CGI HELEN MIRREN

You fail forever. Nothing you ever do will be sufficient. You couldn't scare a butterfly if you were Hurricane Katrina. You are a worthless piece of worm-excrement and I shall tattoo this failing grade onto your eternal soul.

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

Whoa, what?! You can't just fail me! I haven't even taken the test! I could sue your ass.

CGI HELEN MIRREN

The monster world has no lawyers. Only scarers.

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

Then I'm going to appeal to the board of education-

CGI HELEN MIRREN

There are no educators above me. Only scarers.

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

I'll protest to state government-

CGI HELEN MIRREN

Only scarers.

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

I'll hire a hitman to kick your ass.

CGI HELEN MIRREN

ALL IS SCARERS. Seriously, we monsters are more obsessed with scaring than people in Pokemon are with Pokemon battles. Please leave the program and kill yourself. John, you can fuck right off too.

EXT. MONSTERS UNIVERSITY

Weeks later, a depressed BILLY must suffer through the unending torture that is FALLING BACK ON YOUR PLAN B MAJOR.

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

Oh whoa is me, I'm done. Finished. I should just drop out now. Everyone in my entire life has told me I'm no good at scaring. Seriously, every single person I've ever met has told me I'm just not scary and shouldn't try to be. Maybe this is a time for some self-reflection to see if I can apply my considerable talents in another field....

(finds a flyer)

Or maybe I can PARTICIPATE IN THE SCARE GAMES!!

BILLY goes to the meetup for the SCARE GAMES.

CGI HELEN MIRREN

I founded this extracurricular contest way back when and now I apparently still oversee it, because teaching is boring and watching students participate in gladiatorial scare competitions with no clear reward is much more fun. I'm sure this exploration of college frat life will resonate well with the 8 to 12 year olds this movie is targeted at.

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

I want in! If I win, you have to let me back into the scare program.

CGI HELEN MIRREN

Like any good teacher, I find your intense dedication towards your academic career repugnant and shall relish the opportunity to watch you fail. If you lose, you must leave this school forever. No, your tuition will NOT be refunded.

CGI JOHN GOODMAN

I'm in too!

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

Unlikely partnership: ACQUIRED!

INT. CUTESY FRAT HOUSE

BILLY and JOHN meet the rest of their TEAM.

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

Okay, so this whole "scare games" thing sounds like it has enough plot to fill out a Simpsons episode, less so a feature film. So we're really going to need some defined, entertaining characters to see this film through. Whaddaya got for me?

CGI JOEL MURRAY

Well, I'm a middle-aged burnout who's back in school chasing an unlikely dream.

CGI SEAN HAYES AND DAVID FOLEY

We're a two-headed dance major who are chasing an unlikely dream.

CGI PETER SOHN

I'm a squishy little dork who's chasing an unlikely dream. My mom owns this house. She's the funniest character in the movie.

CGI CHARLIE DAY

I'm-

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

I think I can guess. Alright guys, let's just rehash the goofy cult initiation scene from Finding Nemo and we're ready to get training.

CGI JOHN GOODMAN

I still hate you, by the way.

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

Oh, and learn self-respect or something. Alright, let's get to it.

INT. SEWER

The first challenge rolls around!

CGI AUBREY PLAZA

Alright morons, listen up. You all have to race down this inexplicably huge sewer tunnel in the dark while avoiding these stinging, glowing sea urchin things. We borrowed these from the school lab, they simulate the poisonous effects of touching human toys, because human children are deadly and toxic. Yes, we apparently have a lab that studies this shit that's never realized humans are not, in fact, poisonous at all. Get running.

Instead of WORKING TOGETHER, BILLY and JOHN decide to be IDIOTS and ACTIVELY SABOTAGE EACH OTHER while RUNNING.

CGI AUBREY PLAZA

Woops, looks like you guys lost. Jeez, this was a short movie. Alright let's get to-

But it turns out ANOTHER TEAM fucked up EVEN WORSE than THEY DID.

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

Hooray for fortuitous coincidences!

INT. LIBRARY

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

Alright guys, for this challenge we need to sneak past that horrifying Cthulhu creature that works as a librarian. We have to be super extra quiet, so I need you all to-

CGI JOHN GOODMAN

CHARGE BLINDLY FORWARD LIKE AN IDIOT GOT IT GOOD PLAN BILLY.

JOHN alerts the MONSTROUS LIBRARIAN!

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

Shit! Alright, everyone, you all have exactly one talent: being loud and obnoxious. It's time to deploy that skill strategically. Start being annoying!

The team DISTRACT the LIBRARIAN by MAKING TONS OF NOISE, allowing them to BARELY SUCCEED at the CHALLENGE!

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

Holy shit, guys! We're exceeding expectations!

CGI JOHN GOODMAN

Yeah! We've only come dead last in both challenges, the first of which we only passed due to dumb luck! Everything's looking up for this little frat. Let's party!

INT. FRAT PARTY

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

Alright guys, Nathan Fillion and his frat boys invited us to this little shindig as a sign of goodwill. I'm positive a scheming prick like Nathan has nothing but the best intentions for this, so let's try to have fun.

CGI JOHN GOODMAN

Question.

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

Yes?

CGI JOHN GOODMAN

Are they going to "Carrie" us?

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

Don't be ridiculous. That would be such a predictable dick move I couldn't even-

The team gets BUCKETS of PAINT dumped on them!

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

We've been "Carrie'd"! Oh god! If we weren't already the laughingstocks of this school, this would really hurt our reputation! Curse you Fillioooooon!!!

Despondent, the team go back to their HOUSE for the traditional THIRD ACT GIVING UP SCENE.

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

Yeah, blah blah blah, you all think we don't stand a chance because the other teams hate us, even though they've hated us the entire time and that didn't stop you at the start of the scare games. Whatever. It doesn't matter that everyone hates us-

CGI JOHN GOODMAN

Including the dean.

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

Right! Because we have unique skills we can bring to the table, such as you, Joel, who has suction cups, and you, Peter, who's uh, squishy. We all have something special about us that we can channel to be scary.

CGI JOHN GOODMAN

All of us?

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

Yep.

CGI JOHN GOODMAN

ALL of us?

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

Yes.

CGI JOHN GOODMAN

Every single one of us can be scary?

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

Yes, John. All of us.

CGI JOHN GOODMAN

Even the one who's been told he isn't scary by everyone who's ever met him?

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

Hey, don't be so hard on Sean. He's got spirit.

CGI JOHN GOODMAN

I wasn't talking about... you know what, screw it. You'll do great, buddy!

INT. STADIUM

The teams assemble for the FINAL CHALLENGE.

CGI AUBREY PLAZA

Alright folks, it's time for the final challenge. We're using the scare simulators from that final test last semester, which means all the students who studied for the previous final are at a ridiculous advantage here. Anyway, get scaring.

One by one, each team member goes and SCARES THE CRAP out of a MANNEQUIN that looks WAY SCARIER than any of the MONSTERS.

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

(speaking to himself)

Alright, this is it. It's time to prove yourself. Just remember what John Krasinksi told you all those years ago. He said that I'm really quiet. He was impressed with how quiet I am. That's the basis for my lifelong obsession. One guy said I'm super quiet. I should probably rethink this career path.

NOPE, he goes in and KICKS ASS! BILLY'S FRAT WINS!

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

Holy shit, we did it guys! I always knew we could make it! Now all we have to do is continue studying in this cutthroat, poorly run university, rack up untold thousands in student loans, and hopefully get a decent job upon graduation!

CGI JOHN GOODMAN

Sure thing, buddy! Except, uh, I kind of cheated.

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

BETRAYAL!

CGI JOHN GOODMAN

Yeah, I didn't think you had it in you. I am not alone in thinking this, I might add. So I set the mannequin to easy mode when it was your turn, and no one saw me doing it even though there were cameras broadcasting my every move to the entire stadium while I was in the simulator.

CGI HELEN MIRREN

You two have besmirched the honor of this fine institution's stupid extra-curricular contest. I want you both off campus immediately.

But instead, BILLY runs into a CLOSET DOOR in the LAB and pops out in a SUMMER CAMP.

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

Alright, this is it. It's time for me to see if I can scare a real actual kid. Here comes one now. Ready.... set.... GRAWWHWAGHGAWABAWRRRLWAAAAAH!!!

KID

Hehe, you're cute.

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

Wow, you kids are jaded. A fucking green, one-eyed bowling ball wanders out of your closet and screams at you and you all want to pet it? This isn't a camp for the blind, is it?

All the LITTLE GIRLS wake up and CHASE BILLY OFF. He hides at the LAKEFRONT and is joined by JOHN.

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

This sucks. All I've ever wanted in my whole life was to be a scarer. But I'm just not scary. I'm adorable. And apparently plastic surgery and makeup don't exist in the monster world.

CGI JOHN GOODMAN

Hey, you're still smarter than me. I'm naturally brilliant at scaring, which means I've never had to work for it, which means I'd probably still be kicking ass in the scare program if I studied slightly more and hadn't gotten screwed by the dean. But hey, we could also try working together.

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

Lifelong friendship: ACQUIRED!

They sneak back to the BUNK HOUSE but it is now filled with POLICE!

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

Okay, I got this. John, you have to do literally everything I say.

CGI JOHN GOODMAN

Sure thing! Because apparently "working together" means one of us does all the work and the other just does what he's told. We're a good team!

The pair COMBINE THEIR POWERS to CRAFT an elaborate SCARE against the POLICE, which no doubt results in a HALF-DOZEN TRAINED POLICE OFFICERS receiving SEVERE PTSD and LOSING THEIR JOBS when they report a GIANT BLUE GORILLA MONSTER making them all POO THEMSELVES to their SUPERIORS! BILLY and JOHN escape back into the MONSTER WORLD.

INT. MONSTERS UNIVERSITY

BILLY and JOHN get ready to LEAVE COLLEGE FOREVER.

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

Alas, some dreams must die. I'm just not scary, I accept that. Oh well, it's not so bad, right team?

CGI JOEL MURRAY

Actually, none of us got expelled and we were all allowed back into the scare program. Apparently the dean occasionally uses her arbitrary excesses of power for good.

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

Well good luck, guys. I'm sure you'll all do great now that you don't have me around to guide you, even though I'm the person who singlehandedly carried you guys through the competition. As for me, I'm off to work on something else.

CGI JOHN GOODMAN

I'm coming too. We should get jobs at Monsters Inc. in the mail room!

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

Wow. Instantly getting hired straight out of college at a good company in a job with plenty of room for advancement. This might be the most unrealistic thing to happen in this movie about closet monsters.

INT. MONSTERS INC

After years of working their way up the CORPORATE LADDER, BILLY and JOHN are finally SCARERS!

CGI BILLY CRYSTAL

Finally, I'm on the scare floor. Sure I'm not scary, but I'm okay with this. Because apparently sometimes in life your best just isn't good enough and no matter how hard you try and beg and pray and bleed you can absolutely still fail and all your dreams will crumble to dust, forcing you to slog for years in mediocre low-level positions while untalented sycophants get promoted over you until you finally get your shot at what you've always felt in your heart was your true calling.

(pause)

Actually, that's an incredibly mature lesson. Bravo, Pixar.

END

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