"Hello. I will be replacing all of your Olaf dolls this Christmas. Do not try to resist. Bwa-kahk."


"Hello. I will be replacing all of your Olaf dolls this Christmas. Do not try to resist. Bwa-kahk."

MOANA

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

We open on a CREEPY-ASS CARTOON SHORT about an OFFICE WORKER being led around by his THROBBING ORGAN.

Also a BEAUTY AND THE BEAST trailer that absolutely NO ONE CRIED AT NOT EVEN A LITTLE.

INT. TAPESTRY ANIMATION

CGI RACHEL HOUSE

Once upon a time, the great Demigod of the Wind and Sky, Shapeshifter, Hero of Men, People’s Champion, and 10-time WWE titleholder Dwayne Johnson got bored and decided to steal an Infinity Stone from the Earth Mother. Unfortunately, this was stupid. A lava monster happened, and now we’re all going to die.

We ZOOM OUT to reveal a bunch of TRAUMATIZED POLYNESIAN FIVE-YEAR OLDS listening/weeping intently. Only baby CGI AULI’I CRAVAHLO seems intrigued.

CGI TEMUERA MORRISON

Dammit, mother. Quit traumatizing our kids. As chief, I decree these children must learn to obey tradition! Not listen to these myths and legends that form the backbone of our traditions!

CGI RACHEL HOUSE

Okay. I’m off to be a cool grandma for a few years. Auli’i, when you’re tired of the patriarchal constructs that dictate your existence despite their benignity, come find me at the water’s edge for some girl talk.

But AULI’I jumps the gun and wanders down to the SHORELINE to stare at the COOL NEW WATER EFFECTS.

CGI BABY AULI’I CRAVALHO

Goo-goo-ga-ga.

(I’mma drown myself!)

But the water PARTS for her because she is BABY MOSES.

CGI BABY AULI’I CRAVALHO

Ugga googoo wahaha gum gumdumdumdedum pfffthp?

(da fuq?)

CGI SENTIENT WATER TENTACLE

(waves at her)

CGI BABY AULI’I CRAVALHO

Eeeeeeeeeeeh!

(damn, Disney’s really stepped up their liquid-rendering software. If only they could make skin tones that didn’t look like waxy caramel-flavored Play-Doh)

CGI TEMUERA MORRISON

No, baby Auli’i! Do not go near the water! It is dangerous!

CGI BABY AULI’I CRAVALHO

Ugg ugg unk ugg pfft waaah baba waah!

(we live on an island, dad! We’re, like, twenty feet from the water at any given time!)

CGI TEMUERA MORRISON

Do not question my well-intentioned patriarchal helicopter parenting! Avoid the water, Auli’i. For someday soon, you shall be chief, and then you’ll, uh, still have to do what I say, I guess.

EXT. HAPPY ISLAND VILLAGE – YEARS LATER

Tiny CGI BABY AULI’I CRAVALHO has grown into CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO, a mature and driven young woman with GORGEOUS CURLY HAIR and those BIG CREEPY TENNIS BALL EYES that all DISNEY PRINCESSES HAVE NOW.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Whoa, hold up a moment. I’m not a princess! I’m a chieftain’s daughter! It’s completely different. Sure I still have to make policy decisions for the tribe, and I have a goofy animal sidekick, and I sing my feelings and suffer under my father’s well-intentioned yet stern-

(reads script)

Wait, we actually make this joke in the movie? Disney, it’s not clever to just point out you’re doing the same thing you always do. Anyway…

AULI’I finds the most DRAMATIC SPOT on the BEACH and hums a few scales.

CGI AULI’I CRAVAHLO

(clears throat)

(sings)

I live here on my island,

Made on a Macintosh,

With an overbearing daddy,

And a chicken played by Wash.

CGI CHICKEN ALAN TUDYK

Bwaaaahk!

(collects a million dollars)

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

(singing)

Sometimes it’s kind of awesome,

But it’s also pretty bland,

I want to hop inside my boat,

And find another land.

Cuz I’m the chieftain’s daughter,

So I guess I could just blow,

But my deep-set insecurities

Can’t seem to let it go.

But hey, I’m a brown princess!

We’re diverse as a rainbow!

Disney’s got a variety,

Of Mezzo-Sopranos!

So I guess I should stop whining,

My daydreaming should cease,

Unless our crops start dying…?

VILLAGER

Our crops are dying!

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Fuck this, I’m outtie, peace!

CGI TEMUERA MORRISON

For the last time, Auli’I, no boating, swimming, surfing, splashing, kayaking, tubing, noodling, or trips to the local aquarium, ever!

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

But dad, our people are literally dying! We must discover what happened to all the fish and coconuts!

CGI TEMUERA MORRISON

I would rather every last person in this village die than have you get on a boat.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Ooooh, I can’t wait until you come down with Disney Parental Death Disorder.

CGI TEMUERA MORRISON

Ha! Joke’s on you! You’re grandma caught that last night!

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Fuuuuuck!

AULI’I goes to comfort her DYING GRANDMA.

CGI RACHEL HOUSE

Auli’i, you must go return the Pick of Destiny to the Earth Mother. Get The Rock to help you.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

But grandma, I can’t sail! Or navigate! Also, I don’t have this magic stone you speak of-

CGI RACHEL HOUSE

On that front, at least, I have you covered.

RACHEL gives her a LEAF STONE.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

(pause)

So you’ve had the key to our salvation for literally my entire life and you didn’t bother mentioning it to anyone?

CGI RACHEL HOUSE

I put on creepy tapestry shows! What more can I do? Also-

(dies)

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

(clears throat)

My grandma’s dead, oh horror!

Oh, what a tragedy!

To die at such a ripe young age,

Of four hundred and three.

So now the movie’s starting!

Off to the sea I race!

To achieve my rightful destiny,

As your kid’s lunchbox face.

EXT. DESERT ISLAND – TEN MINUTES LATER

AULI’I pulls herself out of the SHIPWRECK.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Wow, for Sea Jesus, I really suck at boating. What the hell, water?!

CGI WATER TENTACLE

(flips her off)

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Well, the good news is I’ve made it to the correct island by total happenstance. Now, I think-

CGI DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON

(elbowing down from the top of the cage)

IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK, BECAUSE THIS SUNDAY AT 7PM EASTERN STANDARD TIME, YOU AND ALL YOUR JABRONIES HAVE A ONE-WAY, ALL EXPENSES PAID TICKET TO SMACKDOWNVILLE FOR A BIG STEAMING BOWL OF WHAT THE ROCK IS COOOOKIIIIIIIING!!

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

(applauding)

Wait, what am I doing? I’m pissed at you, Rock! Your trickster demigod antics have plunged the world into an extremely slow apocalypse!

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

For which I’ve been adequately punished! For you see, a lava monster took my magic fishhook and cast it into the sea. I’ve been trapped on this island for a thousand years!

AULI’I notices “FUCK CENA” written many thousands of times on every available surface on the ISLAND.

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

So, as you can see, I’m completely powerless. Well, except for my super strength, and winning personality, and numerous awards and titles and box office records and-

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

You are so goddam full of yourself. It’s not like you’re good at EVERYTHING.

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

No, I actually kind of am. I can even sing like a mofo. Observe.

BROADWAY GOD LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA descends from HEAVEN to give DWAYNE some SHEET MUSIC.

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

(bowing and crossing self)

I am not worthy.

(sings)

(to the tune of “You’re Welcome”)

Who has the abs that make diamonds of coal,

And also stars on HBO?

You know!

With filmography so pristine and utterly thrilling,

Except of course for “Scorpion King”…

And!

Also I talk to at-risk youths,

For realsies!

I get kids off of drugs, that’s the truth.

Also I dive from the top of the cage,

For realsies!

To better piledrive Triple H!

So bask in the glow of my charm,

For realsies!

My ringwork is legendary,

My movies make billions no sweat,

For realsies!

I’m Peter Maivia part three!

For realsies!

For realsies!

Sufficiently blinded by FIREWORKS and PUBESCENT HORMONES she cannot quite understand, AULI’I doesn’t notice herself being WALLED ALIVE in a CAVE. But instead of SLOWLY STARVING TO DEATH, she ESCAPES and uses her WATER POWERS to get back to DWAYNE, who is stealing her BOAT.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

So that was slightly psychotic.

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

Pfft, what’s a little attempted murder between friends? Also-

He chucks her OVERBOARD again, but the WATER puts her back.

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

Shit, you got this ocean whipped, girl. What do you even need me for? It seems like you already have one god-tier elemental power at your disposal.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Yeah, well, it only sometimes helps me. It’s not really clear. Just like it’s not clear exactly why it has to be you who puts the Arkenstone back where you took it from, but I’m not going to question the will of John Lasseter the gods.

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

No. Screw you. I just want my fishhook back. There’s no way in hell I’m letting a hypercompetent young adventuress come with. You’ll just have to find someone else to-

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Cena said he’d do it.

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

THAT JABRONI JUST EARNED HIMSELF AN ELBOW-SANDWICH WITH A SIDE OF FOLDING CHAIR.

(pause)

I’m in. Let’s fight coconut monsters together.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Sweet! Wait, what?

COCONUT MONSTER PIRATES ATTACK!

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Uhh, I’m not big on Polynesian mythology, but demon coconut sailors sound too conveniently marketable to be real.

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

It’s alright, they’ll never be mentioned again after this Fury Road riff. WITNESS ME!!

They fight the COCONUT DEMONS, who fare about as well as you would expect FUCKING SENTIENT LEGUMES armed with TWIGS to do.

EXT. VOLCANO

AULI’I and DWAYNE climb up a VERTICAL SURFACE to reach the VOLCANO’S PEAK.

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

Alright, sidekick, here’s the plan-

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Whoa, hold up, normally I wouldn’t play this card, but you’re clearly MY sidekick, Dwayne.

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

(patting her on the head)

Haaa, oh please, who’s the demigod here? Alright, our next step is to get my fishhook, which is being held by a giant androgynous crab demon in the Upside Down.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

(pause)

Was this movie written by Mad Libs or…?

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

See you in ocean hell!

DWAYNE swan dives all FOUR THOUSAND FEET down the VOLCANO and into the SPIRIT WORLD. AULI’I follows him, somehow NOT DYING despite being a PUNY MORTAL.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Alright, giant enemy crab, I am prepared for whatever you can throw at me! Giant claws, fire breath, you name it. I am totally ready for-

CGI GIANT CRAB JEMAINE CLEMENT

My weirdly sexual villain song, which sounds like David Bowie and Tim Curry frenched each other on a pile of xylophones?

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

I, uhhh….

JEMAINE drawls out a SONG about how he PIMPED OUT HIS SHELL, which will either remind you of MOONAGE DAYDREAM-era BOWIE or the FART SONG from RICK AND MORTY, depending on your age.

CGI GIANT CRAB JEMAINE CLEMENT

(sings)

(to the tune of “Shiny”)

Well there comes a time in every Disney flick,

When the villain’s got to show he’s bad,

You know he’s gotta come across as a bit sick,

But too much and he’ll piss off mom and dad.

So he drawls a little number just like this,

While some creepy violins go,

There’s nothing spookier than girly guys that lisp,

But we’re not transphobes.

We just exploit

Androgyny!

Cause the villain’s gotta feel a little off,

Not too rough, just with some

Androgyny!

Cause heroics are for normal folk like us!

That’s a plus!

Though creepy as we are, are, are,

Just like Jafar, or maybe Scar,

We’re not exactly far, far, far,

From the fantasy you yearn for.

Face it, we’re hot shit!

Being gender-fluid!

Androgyny!

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

(pause)

Yeah, the coconut Ewoks don’t seem so weird anymore.

CGI GIANT CRAB JEMAINE CLEMENT

Thank you.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Wasn’t really a compliment.

CGI GIANT CRAB JEMAINE CLEMENT

In that case.

(tries to eat Auli’i)

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

TIME FOR THIS CONCORD TO FLY ALL THE WAY BACK TO-

(gets ass kicked)

CGI GIANT CRAB JEMAINE CLEMENT

Aw, having trouble getting it up, Dwayne? Your fishhook, I mean. Your ACTUAL fishhook, I mean. I’m creepy but not that creepy.

But AULI’I pulls a FAKE GREEN ROCK out of her ass and DISTRACTS JEMAINE with it. They flee!

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Who’s the sidekick now, bitch!

EXT. CANOE

Feeling sufficiently EMASCULATED, DWAYNE mopes on the boat about how his FISHHOOK won’t work.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Shit, do I really have to pep-talk you through this bout of man-depression in addition to saving your ass five times? I’m not your mother, Dwayne.

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME!

(pause)

Sorry. But I don’t like to talk about moms. For you see, I had human parents, once. They tossed me into the sea. The ocean gods took pity on me and turned me into brown Hercules for some reason. See?

He shows her the TATTOO on his back depicting his literal TRAGIC BACK-STORY, which for some reason is not being GOOFED ON by the adorable animated MINI-DWAYNE who chills on his other tattoos.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

That’s sad. Well, not as sad as all the other babies who get tossed into the ocean and don’t turn into immortal demigods, but still. Hey, wait, I thought your tattoos depicted your amazing feats.

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

(sniffling)

It was a really good throw.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Ugh, fine, I’ll help you through this bout of magical impotence. Come on, Dwayne. Let’s training montage it up!

AULI’I cheerleads DWAYNE until he can TRANSFORM into things again, and DWAYNE teaches her SAILING, which she’s already been doing for the WHOLE MOVIE but now she’s a little BETTER AT IT.

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

Sweet! After that weekend of practice, we should be completely prepared to take on the lava monster from the trailers now!

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Yeah! Wait, what?

EXT. BARREN VOLCANIC ISLE

The pair observe as a MONSTROUSLY HUGE LAVA KAIJU rise from the BLASTED HELLSCAPE of an ISLAND WASTELAND, shrieking UNHOLY RITES in a THOUSAND DAMNED VOICES.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

(pause)

For fuck’s sake, Disney. Belle just had to deal with the local jock.

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

It’s okay, we got this. Just ask the ocean to send a massive tidal wave at that thing! It’ll fizzle out faster than Hulk Hogan’s career!

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Uhhh. I can’t. I guess the water’s only good for… putting me back on a boat sometimes.

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

Fuck it. Let’s just charge in.

They DO. The LAVA MONSTER chucks a MOUNTAIN of FIRE at them.

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

Wait, this is a terrible idea. Let’s leave.

They DO. But not before the FIRE TITAN gives his FISHHOOK a good CRACK.

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

NOOOO! My fishhook! My beautiful fishhook! It’s almost broken! I blame you for this, Auli’i!

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

The fuck did I do!?

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

You pushed me into this whole mess by helping me at every turn! And then you sailed recklessly!

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

That’s how you’re supposed to sail!

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

Your puns enrage me further! Our deal is off! Enjoy dying in the open ocean. Dwayne out.

He FLIPS HER THE BIRD and FLIES OFF.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

(cries)

(blows into a pitch pipe)

(sings)

I’m so afraid, so lonely,

After my epic fail,

In the Hero’s Journey this is called

The Belly of the Whale.

My only friend now hates me,

I might as well go home,

Unless I get a pep talk…?

A MANTA RAY spirit forms into GRANDMA RACHEL.

CGI MANTA RAY RACHEL HOUSE

Quit bitching and woman up.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Valhalla, here I come!

AULI’I goes back to the LAVA MONSTER and employs the BRILLIANT STRATEGY of SAILING BETTER THIS TIME.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Ha! Screw you, lava monster! Your projectiles are no match for my ability to have the wind aim me in whatever direction I please!

But the LAVA MONSTER gets its SHIT TOGETHER and suddenly becomes a THREAT. It reaches for AULI’I but suddenly-

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

FUCK YOU CENA I MEAN LAVA MONSTER AND ALSO CENAAAAAA!!

He uses a variety of TRANSFORMATIONS to do BATTLE with the LAVA MONSTER, sacrificing his FISHHOOK in the process.

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

You’re all clear kid, now let’s blow this thing and go home!

AULI’I reaches the ISLAND that was just sort of BEHIND the LAVA MONSTER’S ISLAND, begging the question of why they couldn’t just SAIL AROUND the LAVA MONSTER instead of RIGHT BETWEEN ITS LEGS.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Wait, where’s the Earth Mother? There’s nothing on this island but more island! Hmm, something occurs to me. What if the Lava Monster is actually the Earth Mother throwing a hissy fit!? HEY! FLAMEY!

The LAVA MONSTER pauses, with the DEPOWERED DWAYNE in its teeth.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Spit that out, you don’t know where it’s been! And get over here!

The WATER PARTS so the LAVA MONSTER can go to AULI’I.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Oh NOW you help me!

CGI WATER TENTACLE

(makes jerkoff motion)

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Anyway, I apologize for Dwayne’s behavior, oh lava-riffic one. He was only trying to help humanity. How removing the Earth Mother’s favorite bling was supposed to do that is still unclear, but his intentions were pure. Would you like to… NOT be evil and destructive again?

The LAVA MONSTER allows AULI’I to put the STONE back into her HEART, turning her into a JOLLY GREEN GIANT. The balance of nature has been RESTORED!

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

Good job, Owl-lee… oh-lee-lu-lee… Leeloo. Good job, Leeloo.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Thanks, Dwayne. It’s a shame you had to sacrifice your godly powers though. I guess this means you’ll get to reconnect with your human side, perhaps by coming home with me and aiding my tribe, replacing the family you lost. It’d be a pretty poignant end to your character arc, having you mature from loner trickster god into a productive member of-

The EARTH MOTHER gives him a NEW FISHHOOK.

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

HA! See you never! For realsies!

He FLIES AWAY.

EXT. HAPPY ISLAND VILLAGE

With their ISLAND no longer IMPERILED, AULI’I makes the decision to have her people LEAVE the ISLAND FOREVER.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

(leading her people to sea)

(singing)

Another win for Disney!

A new box office boom!

Marvel, Star Wars, princess toys,

They’ll own your eyeballs soon!

So I’m off for more adventures,

No love interest for me!

Just a perfect life of “realistic”

Wish fulfillment glee.

I hope you’ve all enjoyed yourselves,

Now put the kids to bed.

Give Lin-Manuel an Oscar

And let’s all go see Rogue One for fuck’s sake, I’m drooling over here.

END

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