"Fuck it. I'll do this movie AND the Spider-Man reboot AT THE SAME GODDAMN TIME."


"Fuck it. I'll do this movie AND the Spider-Man reboot AT THE SAME GODDAMN TIME."

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE - GHOST PROTOCOL

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. BUDAPEST

JOSH HOLLOWAY is on a SPY MISSION and locates his TARGET in a TRAIN STATION.

JOSH HOLLOWAY

(noticing something)

Damn, my keen instincts tell me those random bystanders are really hostile agents. Must! Improvise!

JOSH RUNS ALL OVER THE GODDAMN PLACE and SHOOTS TWO GUYS WHILE FALLING OFF A ROOF AND LANDING ON HIS POCKET-INFLATABLE GIANT MATTRESS!

JOSH HOLLOWAY

Good thing that us IMF agents are always prepared to jump from seemingly fatal heights at a moment's notice.

(to audience)

Remember that for later.

(pause)

And I clearly have nothing to fear from this random bystander. I mean, my keen instincts would instantly warn me if...

But the RANDOM BYSTANDER is actually EVIL BLONDE SPY LEA SEYDOUX! She SHOOTS JOSH TWICE IN THE CHEST, then IN THE BELLY, then A BUNCH MORE TIMES IN THE CHEST, then ONCE MORE TO THE CHEST JUST TO MAKE EXTRA SURE!!

JOSH HOLLOWAY

(grimacing)

Oh right, because of course we all have concealed inflatable giant mattresses, but not bulletproof vests or anything. Dammit.

(collapses)

At least I got one cool action sequence in, though, and didn't just get plugged while standing around like some limey "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy" chump.

(dies)

INT. MOSCOW PRISON

From behind, we see a SHADOWY FIGURE lying on his prison bed, throwing around either a ROCK-SHAPED RUBBER BALL or a RUBBER-BALL-INFUSED ROCK, it's not clear which. But then the CLICK of his JAIL CELL OPENING causes him to turn his head JUST SLIGHTLY, revealing the ENORMOUS TELLTALE FALCON-SCHNOZ of TOM CRUISE!

TOM CRUISE

I sense my rescue is at hand. Prepare to activate TOM CRUISE AWESOMENESS!

INT. HI-TECH VAN

SIMON PEGG watches TOM on his bank of HI-TECH MONITORS.

SIMON PEGG

Don't worry Tom! I know you can't hear me, but that won't stop me narrating every last single thing that happens in this entire sequence!

SIMON heroically HACKS into the prison systems and RELEASES DOZENS OF HARD-CORE RUSSIAN PRISONERS who BEAT THE LIVING SHIT out of the PRESUMABLY COMPLETELY INNOCENT GUARDS!

TOM CRUISE

Wait, I can't escape without bringing some other guy with me, requiring us to release even more prisoners and have even more innocent guards beaten to death!

SIMON PEGG

We are such heroes!!

CUE: CREDITS

Over the CREDITS we are shown a TRAILER FOR THE MOVIE which is A BIT ODD seeing as how everyone's already decided to go see it and pay for it and are sitting there watching it.

INT. VAN OUTSIDE OF RUSSIAN PRISON

TOM CRUISE

Thanks guys! Hey, where's Sawyer, I mean, Josh?

PAULA PATTON

Bad news, Tom. Lea Seydoux killed him and stole the briefcase full of obligatory launch codes he was sent to intercept.

SIMON PEGG

So she's got the launch codes! It's all over!

TOM CRUISE

(dramatically)

Not quite! The launch codes are useless without the launch device!

PAULA PATTON

Anyway, we've received new orders in this recording disguised as a lead balloon. Let's have a listen.

RECORDING

(flatly)

Good morning, team. I guess you could be listening to this any time, but it's morning somewhere, so shut up. Your mission, should you choose to accept it... though really, has anyone ever in the history of the TV or movie franchise ever NOT accepted one of these missions... is to break into the Kremlin. Tom, you will impersonate a Russian general who just so happens to look exactly like Tom Cruise with a goofy moustache, wow, what are the odds. Simon, you will impersonate C-3P0.

INT. KREMLIN

TOM and SIMON BLUFF their way to outside the TOP SECRET RECORDS ROOM where they set up their HIGHLY SOPHISTICATED AND EXTREMELY EXPENSIVE P.O.V.-SENSITIVE-PROJECTION SCREEN that has been cunningly engineered to fool EXACTLY ONE PERSON AT A TIME and which becomes COMPLETELY FUCKING USELESS once there are TWO OR MORE PEOPLE PRESENT. It is made by APPLE.

SIMON PEGG

So what's the plan?

TOM CRUISE

I figured we'd screen my 1983 teen sex comedy "Losin' It". Then while the guard is convulsively vomiting up every scrap of solid matter inside his body, we'll have plenty of time to steal the files we're after.

SIMON PEGG

Nice, I thought for sure you'd go with "Cocktail" or "Knight & Day". Way to go esoteric, buddy.

TOM CRUISE

Hey, the files are gone! It's a doublecross! Quick, reverse our impossibly reversible costumes before...

Suddenly the ENTIRE KREMLIN GOES KABOOM! TOM wakes up HANDCUFFED TO A GURNEY in a HOSPITAL.

VLADIMIR MASHKOV

Hello, Tom, I've arrested you for destroying the Kremlin. I'm actually a supercool international actor, not that you would know it from this useless lame character I've been given.

TOM CRUISE

Not as cool as me! I've broken out of my handcuffs using half of one atom of one paperclip! THAT'S ALL I NEED!

VLADIMIR MASHKOV

Okay, fine. But please tell me you're not going to escape using the geriatric "jump into convenient dumpster" cliche, right?

TOM CRUISE

Hell no, that would be tired and lame. Instead I will do the "use my belt for an improvised zipline landing on conveniently passing truck" cliche, which is slightly less threadbare!

(ziplining)

OLD CLICHES MAKE ME LOOK YOOOOUUUNNNGG!!!!!!!

PASSING CHILD

Mom look, an old man flying on wires, it's the "Up" sequel!!

TOM steals a CELL PHONE and SUMMONS an IMF CAR! Then he throws the cell phone into a TINY THREE-INCH-WIDE DRAIN from ACROSS THE STREET and it of course LANDS PERFECTLY INSIDE IT BECAUSE PERFECT TOM CAN DO ANYTHING HIS PERFECT SELF WANTS TO AND IT IS ALWAYS FUCKING PERFECT ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

INT. IMF CAR

TOM WILKINSON

I'm sorry to tell you this Tom, but you've been framed as a double agent.

TOM CRUISE

(pause)

You forgot to say, "... AGAIN."

TOM WILKINSON

Well, yes. Since every movie exposes still more double agents and gross incompetence in the IMF, this time the government has finally decided the hell with all you assholes, and shut down IMF completely. But against all odds, I still believe you can drag this franchise out still further, so I will help you.

TOM CRUISE

(scribbles unhappy face on palm)

I saw this guy just before the Kremlin blew up! Who is he?

JEREMY RENNER

That's Michael Nyqvist. He's using terrorist tactics to try and stop Hollywood from making endless inferior remakes of European movies.

(chuckles)

Good luck with THAT, buddy!

Suddenly TOM WILKINSON is SHOT THROUGH THE HEAD, because the SNIPERS apparently decided to GET THE OLDEST GUY FIRST. The CAR CRASHES into the RIVER!

JEREMY RENNER

I will be revealed as supercapable later on, but not yet! Blubb blrbb drown choke!

TOM CRUISE

DON'T PANIC JEREMY I TOTALLY GOT THIS!

TOM stuffs a FLARE and some WEIGHTS into a CORPSE and FLOATS IT DOWNSTREAM!

HEAD SNIPER GUY

There! That immobile form drifting along leisurely, that must be both of them! Everyone fire and ignore anything else that happens!

TOM and JEREMY ESCAPE and meet up with SIMON PEGG and PAULA PATTON on the CROSS-COUNTRY IMF COMEDY TOUR TRAIN.

INT. IMF TRAIN

SIMON PEGG

So Michael Nyqvist has got the launch device! It's all over!

TOM CRUISE

(dramatically)

Not quite! The launch device is useless without the launch codes!

SIMON PEGG

But they were in the briefcase! It's all over!

TOM CRUISE

(dramatically)

Not quite! He still has to get the briefcase from Lea Seydoux! And he's sending someone to meet her in...

(spins the Wheel of Exotic Spy Locations)

...DUBAI!!

JEREMY RENNER, SIMON PEGG, AND PAULA PATTON

YAAAAAAY!!

TOM CRUISE

(aside)

Now to phone my contact that I'll need to go crawling to when we inevitably fuck up the next stage of the mission sixty-nine ways from Fuckday.

INT. BIG ASS FUCKING RIDICULOUS TALL DUBAI SKYRAPER (AND NO I DID NOT LEAVE OUT THE MIDDLE "SC" BY ACCIDENT)

SIMON PEGG

Well so far we've remodelled two entire floors of this hotel without any staff noticing, but unfortunately the server we need to hack into is behind a door. So we're fucked.

TOM CRUISE

(grimly)

Then I have no choice but to scale the building!

JEREMY RENNER

Don't we have a thousand or so crazy gadgets that can deal with doors? Or going through ceilings or walls or...

TOM CRUISE

THERE IS NO TIME FOR ANYTHING BUT MY AWESOMENESS!!

SIMON PEGG

He's right, we must go with this hastily improvised, last-second plan!! Here, use these specially engineered wall-walking power gloves that I made sure to bring along and which are designed for exactly this kind of situation.

TOM SCALES THE FUCK OUT OF THE BUILDING IN IMAX, instantly creating the LARGEST BUILDING-TO-ACTION-STAR HEIGHT RATIO IN THE HISTORY OF ALL CINEMA!!

TOM CRUISE

There, done! Now even though our mask-making machine broke, let's assume that we can impersonate both sides of this shady espionage deal at the same time.

JEREMY RENNER

But earlier on, it took IMF about 10 seconds to find Lea Seydoux's photo. You don't think freelance paranoid spies will put in at least that minimal effort?

TOM CRUISE

(thinks)

God, that really would be absurd to pretend otherwise. To think we almost hung an entire suspense sequence on that premise! Let's just fight them.

LEA SEYDOUX AND SAMULI EDELMANN

(bursting in)

Fine with us! MORTAL KOMBAT!!

SIMON PEGG

(training gun on Lea)

Not so fast. Freeze!

(sees shiny object on floor)

Ooh, pretty.

(gets kicked in face)

Everyone else SPLITS UP BY GENDER and BEGINS FIGHTING!!

TOM CRUISE

ONLY I MUST CAPTURE WHOEVER SAMULI EDELMANN IS!! JEREMY, HELP PAULA!

JEREMY RENNER

Oh all right... Duck, Paula! I'll shoot her!

Instead PAULA KICKS LEA out of the BUILDING!

JEREMY RENNER

Noooo, we desperately needed her inside information that we'll nevertheless do just fine without!

(pause)

You realize we'll all blame you for this, even though it was Simon's damn fault for dropping his guard, and I was about to shoot her dead anyway.

EXT. DUBAI

SAMULI EDELMANN RUNS OFF! TOM RUNS AFTER HIM!

TOM CRUISE

RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN!!!

TOM RUNS INTO A SANDSTORM AND NOBODY CAN SEE ANY GODDAMN THING!!!

TOM CRUISE

I DON'T RUN INTO SANDSTORMS!! SANDSTORMS RUN INTO TOM CRUISE!!!

TOM STEALS SOMEBODY'S CAR and USES HIS WICKED AWESOME IPHONE 9000S to NAVIGATE BLIND and CRASH INTO SAMULI EDELMANN!!

TOM CRUISE

CRASH CRASH CRASH CRASH CRASH!!!!!

However SAMULI gets into a TRUCK and SPEEDS OFF, but not before revealing he is ACTUALLY wearing a GOOFY MISSION IMPOSSIBLE FULL-HEAD MASK!!

MICHAEL NYQVIST

Surprise, it's me! In a goofy mask! You thought this franchise was finally done with goofy masks but you were WRONG!! BWAH HA HA!!

TOM CRUISE

WHAT AN UTTERLY POINTLESS REVEAL YOU EVIL BASTARD!!!

INT. SAFE HOUSE

SIMON PEGG

So now Michael Nyqvist has the launch codes AND the launch device! It's actually all over!

TOM CRUISE

(dramatically)

Not quite! The launch codes and device are useless without a hijacked satellite!

SIMON PEGG

(pause)

...how long are we going to keep this ridiculous chain of MacGuffins going?

TOM CRUISE

While you think about that I'm going to go meet my lazy plot device, er I mean, spy contact.

(leaves)

PAULA PATTON

My lady powers sense that you're not telling us everything, Jeremy.

JEREMY RENNER

You're right. I was assigned to guard Tom's wife, but she got assassinated. And even though I know the law of action sequels demands that all pre-existing supporting females be dead or divorced, I still blame myself.

PAULA PATTON

That sucks. It can't be easy to carry that LOCKER full of HURT around with you.

TOM CRUISE

(poking head back in room)

NO FAIR REFERRING TO OTHER PEOPLE'S GOOD MOVIES!

PAULA PATTON

Sorry.

EXT. RUNWAY - THE NEXT MORNING

TOM CRUISE

Good morning, team. I've acquired a whole shitload of goofy gadgets to tide us over till the end credits. Also a really cool car, which is excellent timing on my part since the most exciting car chase in the movie has already happened. Now we're off to...

(draws card from Deck of Far-Off Spy Locations)

...INDIA!!

SIMON, PAULA, AND RANDY JACKSON OOPS I MEAN JEREMY

YAAAAAAAY!!!

INT. PLANE

SIMON and JEREMY discuss the team's next move.

SIMON PEGG

So our genius plan involves you jumping and me catching you with a magnet.

JEREMY RENNER

I jump and you catch me?

SIMON PEGG

Yes.

JEREMY RENNER

(pause)

With a magnet?

SIMON PEGG

Yes.

JEREMY RENNER

(pause)

So wait... you're going to catch me with a magnet.

SIMON PEGG

Yes.

JEREMY RENNER

After I jump.

SIMON PEGG

Why is this scene so goddamn dull, we have to fucking end this.

JEREMY RENNER

I know but I can't seem to stop harping about this magnet jump plan, Christ's sake how do we escape.

SIMON PEGG

The life is draining from me

JEREMY RENNER

turning to dust as i speak oh god wait there is one last chance avengers assemble

TOM CRUISE

(bursting into scene)

HEY! WHO MENTIONED SOMEONE ELSE'S FRANCHISE!?! NOT COOL!! CUT TO NEXT FUCKING SCENE STARRING ME!!

EXT. INDIA WHICH IS MOSTLY REALLY VANCOUVER BUT HOPEFULLY NOBODY WILL NOTICE

TOM CRUISE

Okay, here's the plan. Paula will wear sexy clothes to seduce Anil Kapoor and get secret codes from him. I will monitor her being all competent and hardass while Jeremy does comical spy action stuff.

JEREMY RENNER

So basically we're getting our plans from Season Two "Chuck" episodes now, is what you're saying.

PAULA goes to the BAR to pick up ANIL.

ANIL KAPOOR

Hi there, I am actually a supercool international actor, not that you would know it from this useless lame character I've been given.

PAULA PATTON

(awkwardly)

Blergh! I have totally forgotten how to maintain a cover identity or be a spy in any way!! Fnortz!!

ANIL KAPOOR

Your awkwardness is so charming! Come to my bedroom.

PAULA PATTON

(spazzing out)

That is exactly our plan, so I will do my best to fuck it up! Glorf! Splew!

ANIL KAPOOR

Ha ha ha. This way.

INT. MAINTENANCE ROOM

JEREMY finds the CRITICAL ACCESS SHAFT!

JEREMY RENNER

Aw man, I really don't want to jump. Fucking magnets, how do they work?!?

SIMON PEGG

(over radio)

Just do it Jeremy, there's no other way! In this universe rope hasn't been invented yet!

JEREMY RENNER

Oh, if only IMF agents were always prepared to jump from seemingly fatal heights at a moment's notice! Maybe using pocket-sized inflatable mattresses of some sort!

TOM CRUISE

(screaming over radio)

JUST JUMP GODDAMMIT!!!

CUT TO:

INT. BANQUET HALL

TOM CRUISE

(screaming)

JUMP JEREMY FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!! JUMP JUMP JUMP FUCKING JUMP!!!!

INDIAN-CANADIAN EXTRA #1

Why is he screaming "JUMP" while jamming a finger in his ear?

INDIAN-CANADIAN EXTRA #2

I don't know, but someone better hide the couches, quick! HEY-O!!

CUT TO:

INT. MAINTENANCE ROOM

JEREMY finally GODDAMN JUMPS and sure enough the MAGNETS WORK! From his hiding place in a LEFTOVER SET FROM THE 1960S STAR TREK SERIES, SIMON PEGG levitates him along a TUNNEL by using a MARS ROVER MECCANO TOY found in another tunnel IMMEDIATELY BELOW JEREMY.

JEREMY RENNER

So why couldn't I just crawl along the lower tunnel in the first place?

SIMON PEGG

(on radio)

The tunnel is exactly tall enough to fit this mechanical gizmo but NOT QUITE tall enough to fit you lying down. Besides, even if you could, then you'd have to cut though some metal to get to your objective, which would require wizardry far beyond anything we've heard of.

JEREMY SUCCEEDS at whatever the hell he was sent to do! Meanwhile PAULA gets the codes!

INT. BANQUET HALL

VLADIMIR MASHKOV

A-ha, I am here too! I see you on that balcony, Tom! Prepare for capture!

TOM CRUISE

Well while you went UPstairs, I cunningly went DOWNstairs!

(flips jaunty salute)

Point: Cruise.

VLADIMIR MASHKOV

DAMN YOU AND YOUR EXTENSIVE SPY TRAINING!!

INT. BACK IN THE VAN

SIMON PEGG

While we were fucking around doing all that, Michael Nyqvist broke into a radio station and got access to the satellite! It's all over!

TOM CRUISE

(dramatically)

Not quite! The satellite is useless without a Russian submarine! We still have ONE LAST CHANCE!

SIMON PEGG

Well now he's got that too! It's REALLY all over!

TOM CRUISE

(dramatically)

Not quite! We still have 30 seconds till he uploads the launch codes! We've got ONE... MORE... LAST... CHANCE!!

SIMON PEGG

Oh no, we failed! It's REALLY REALLY all over!

TOM CRUISE

(dramatically)

Not quite! We still have 3 minutes before the nuclear missile launches! We've got ONE... MORE... VERY... LAST... CHANCE!!

SIMON PEGG

Oh no, we failed at that too! It's REALLY TOTALLY UTTERLY COMPLETELY all over!

TOM CRUISE

(dramatically)

Not quite! We still have a completely unspecified amount of time left to abort the missile! We've got ONE... MORE... VERY... LAST... FOR HOWEVER LONG WE NEED... CHANCE!!!

PAULA PATTON

Geez, and people bitch about Return of the King having too many endings.

INT. RADIO STATION

SIMON and PAULA wait to re-insert a vital computer part while JEREMY FIGHTS SAMULI EDELMANN!

SIMON PEGG

Hey, maybe ONE person should put the computer piece back in, and TWO people should fight the bad guy! I'm a fucking genius!!

The team of SCOTTY and HAWKEYE DEFEAT SAMULI!!

INT. AUTOMATIC PARKING TOWER

TOM CRUISE

End of the line, Michael! It's time for the thrilling, climactic smackdown fight between a pair of 50-year-olds! I'm going to kick your ass and get the missile abort thing from you!

MICHAEL NYQVIST

If only I still had Noomi Rapace to bail me out of these messes. Ironically, while Daniel Craig is off fucking up my role in "Dragon Tattoo", I'm over here being a far less credible physical opponent than he would have been!

TOM CRUISE

(12,000 veins bursting from head)

EVERYONE... STOP... MENTIONING... OTHER... FRANCHISES!! RAAARRGH!!

MICHAEL NYQVIST

My Swedish dignity forbids me to engage in that level of overacting.

(plummets to his death)

TOM CRUISE

Aw crap! Now the only way to stop the missile in time would be to somehow jump from this seemingly fatal height at a moment's notice! If only IMF agents were trained to always be prepared for exactly this situation, perhaps with pocket-sized inflatable mattresses!!

(thinks)

But I do have my OTHER secret weapon... wanton destruction of private property!!

TOM THROWS ENTIRE CARS at DEAD MICHAEL NYQVIST until he hits the MISSILE ABORT BUTTON! THE DAY IS SAVED!

VLADIMIR MASHKOV

Well done, Tom. Allow me to use my Russian police authority to reinstate both you and your top-secret American spy organization.

EXT. DOCKSIDE BAR - SEATTLE

TOM CRUISE and the GANG are having a beer with, wait for it, VING RHAMES HOLY FUCKING SHIT IS YOUR MIND NOT TOTALLY FUCKING BLOWN?!? THAT IS TOTALLY WHACK AMIRIGHT?!??

VING RHAMES

Hey, I still exist. Weird.

TOM CRUISE

Yeah, how about that. Here, have 7.7 million real-life dollars for your crappy phoned-in cameo.

(to audience)

No shit, look it up.

VING RHAMES

Thanks, dude.

(leaves)

TOM CRUISE

Looking ahead, I have shiny new iPhones for anyone who wants to help make another one of these movies.

SIMON PEGG

(taking phone)

Why not, I'm pretty much a franchise whore at this point. Beam me up, Tintin!

(leaves)

PAULA PATTON

(taking phone)

It's cute of you to suggest I'd be invited back, but I could use a new phone.

(leaves)

JEREMY RENNER

She's got a point, Tom. You didn't even bring back your wife character from MI:3.

TOM CRUISE

Actually she's still alive and we faked her death! I'd have told you sooner, but I figured your guilt was a great motivator in the field.

JEREMY RENNER

Thanks, dickface. Just for that I WILL work with you again.

(takes phone, leaves)

TOM CRUISE

What a satisfying resolution. To cap things off I will go stare at my wife while half in shadow as she enters that restaurant.

CUT TO:

EXT. JUST OUTSIDE RESTAURANT

TOM'S WIFE

(to friends)

Go in and eat without me. The occasional brief glimpse of my darling Tom's face at considerable distance is all the nourishment I need!

(smiles blissfully)

CUT TO:

EXT. PIER

TOM CRUISE

Marital duties: fulfilled. NOW OFF TO MORE TOM CRUISE'S AWESOME ADVENTURES OF TOM CRUISE AWESOMENESS FEATURING TOM CRUISE!!

END

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