Ready to face the enemy after gluing a bunch of crap together and spray-painting it silver.


Ready to face the enemy after gluing a bunch of crap together and spray-painting it silver.

MEN IN BLACK II

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. NEW YORK STREETS

WILL SMITH battles an alien with the help of ATTITUDE. His CGI STUNTMAN is being knocked around.

WILL SMITH

Gark! Help me, fresh young agent Patrick Warburton!

PATRICK WARBURTON

I can't! My eyes are too squinted to see anything. I can, however, play the exact same role that I've played in everything I've ever done, including my voicework.

WILL explains to the ALIEN how cool he is, and the ALIEN retreats.

WILL SMITH

Now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout.

(pause)

Patrick, I've really enjoyed watching you play the Tick, but I'm going to have to memory flash you. You make a horrible agent. Apparently, in the time it took to make this no-effort sequel, the agency has dropped their strict requirements and allows total imbeciles to wield power that could destroy the world.

He erases the memory of PATRICK WARBURTON.

WILL SMITH

Now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout.

EXT. PARK

LARA FLYNN BOYLE lands on EARTH and immediately makes a BULIMIA JOKE. She then enlists the help of JOHNNY KNOXVILLE, who now has two mouths too many.

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE

Wanna see me give a cow a rimjob?

LARA FLYNN BOYLE

Not now, we must find the Light of Zartha.

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE

Why, does it give you omnipotence or something?

LARA FLYNN BOYLE

Um, actually, I'm not sure what it does. I'm definitely looking for it. I think it gives me the ability to not overact.

INT. MEN IN BLACK HEADQUARTERS

WILL SMITH enters and walks past numerous CGI CREATURES rejected from GHOSTBUSTERS 3. The film makes a sly TOOL reference, making for the only entertaining moment in the film. Men in Black headquarters is now filled with SUBPAR employees, ruining the ENTIRE PREMISE OF THE MOVIE. MICHAEL JACKSON makes a depressing attempt to regain the love of the public. RIP TORN, who has the coolest name in Hollywood, approaches WILL SMITH.

RIP TORN

We have to stop Lara Flynn Boyle. She has come to Earth, looking for some shit or another. I don't know, I didn't really read the damn script.

WILL SMITH

You got a script?

RIP TORN

Of course. You didn't?

WILL stares at RIP with bewilderment.

RIP TORN

Let me guess, Barry Sonnenfeld just told you to act exactly how you did in the first Men In Black.

WILL SMITH

This is a sequel?

RIP TORN

(handing Will a small leaflet)

Yeah, here's the script, it's from the Men In Black cartoon series. We're halfway down page 5 - next to the crude crayon drawing of an alien with big boobs.

WILL SMITH

Now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout.

(pause)

Hey, according to this, Tommy Lee Jones appears in the second act.

RIP TORN

Then I guess you'd better go deneuralize him.

WILL SMITH

You mean, take the memories that we erased and put them back? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

RIP TORN

That's nothing. Your new partner is the godforsaken talking dog from the first movie.

INT. POST OFFICE

WILL SMITH approaches TOMMY LEE JONES, who is working in a POST OFFICE.

WILL SMITH

Hey.

(sighing with boredom)

Join the Men In Black.

TOMMY LEE JONES

I don't know what you're talking about.

WILL SMITH

(lifelessly)

We do stuff with aliens, blah blah blah.

TOMMY LEE JONES

Look, I don't want to join your stupid movie. A talking dog is stealing your show, for chrissakes. I'm a serious actor!

(pause)

Wait, no I'm not. Where do I sign?

WILL SMITH

Well, protest a little more first. Not quite enough frames of film have passed to justify your presence.

TOMMY LEE JONES

Aren't movies supposed to tell a story rather than justify one?

WILL SMITH

Speaking of justification, this looks like a perfect opportunity to provide cameo roles for the actors from the first movie, since the entire point of this flick is to remake the first one with a slightly different plot.

EXT. VARIOUS CITY LOCATIONS

They get TOMMY LEE JONES' memories back, after forced, inane appearances by TONY SHALHOUB and a COUPLE OF CONCEPTUAL DRAWINGS TAKEN FROM MAKEUP ARTIST RICK BAKER'S BOTTOM DESK DRAWER.

TOMMY LEE JONES

Now that I have my memories, I remember that I erased my memory...um, a different part..one that you can't restore. Luckily, I left clues all over the city to find this thing that Lara is looking for.

WILL SMITH

You mean, every copy of Baby's Day Out, burnt to a crisp?

TOMMY LEE JONES

No, she's looking for something else. Probably something that involves special effects or human waste.

They follow the clues through the city, happening upon silly story contrivances, an unexpectedly clever joke about a locker that goes on for way too long, and DAVID CROSS.

TOMMY LEE JONES

Didn't you die in the first movie?

DAVID CROSS

No, you see, that was an identical character with a different name. When the studio demanded a sequel exactly like the first movie with all the same cast, they weren't fucking around.

TOMMY LEE JONES

Jesus Christ, was any thought put into this movie at all? This thing is just a mindless amalgam of things people liked from the first movie, carelessly thrown together without any of the originality or consideration. It's just an effortless attempt to milk the first movie for all it's worth.

WILL SMITH

(cashing paycheck)

Now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout.

INT. MEN IN BLACK HEADQUARTERS

LARA FLYNN BOYLE easily overtakes the entire place and holds everyone hostage.

RIP TORN

Wow. You completely overpowered us, with less effort than it took to make this movie.

LARA FLYNN BOYLE

It really destroys the impact of the agency's power, huh?

RIP TORN

Not as badly as this.

He flips over her and hovers in the air.

LARA FLYNN BOYLE

If this movie was a tribute to anyone other than the CEOs of the corporations who sponsored it, I'm sure someone would be spinning in their grave right now.

Suddenly, WILL SMITH and TOMMY LEE JONES show up.

TOMMY LEE JONES

We solved the intricately woven mystery of the film.

WILL SMITH

Yeah, it turns out we're going to kill you. You're no match for our guns, because they are bright silver.

They KILL her. She comes back. They KILL her again. She comes back. They KILL her again. She DIES, turning into to fireworks in a hackneyed tribute to America resulting from massive last-minute edits to the ending of the film.

WILL SMITH

Now that's what I'm talkin about.

The credits roll as WILL SMITH pretends he is still a rapper.

END


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