It was regrettable giving Carrey the lead in "Forrest Gump 2: Gump Harder."


It was regrettable giving Carrey the lead in "Forrest Gump 2: Gump Harder."

ME, MYSELF, AND IRENE

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. HIGHWAY

REX ALLEN JR

Hello, I am a narrator. Why a movie as simplistic as this needs a narrator, I'm not sure. Here I am, though.

JIM CARREY rides in, he is on a bike that says "RHODE ISLAND STATE TROOPER"

REX ALLEN JR

That's Jim Carrey. He is a Rhode Island State Trooper.

JIM CARREY

I love my wife, the girl from two guys, a girl, and a pizza place.

GIRL

I'm girl. See how feminine I am, as a female?

SMALL BLACK GUY

I am small, black, and angry. Let's fuck so I can get you pregnant with triplets and then you and me can leave our kids with the only person in this relationship who isn't actually related to them.

GIRL

I have blond hair. Bye kids. Tee hee!

THREE BLACK KIDS

Bye, motherfucker.

JIM CARREY

You crazy scamps, you. You're all extremely smart, yet you speak like idiots! That's funny...homeys!

THREE BLACK KIDS

Oh, dad!

A DOG takes a BIG SHIT on JIM'S lawn. This is FUNNY because it makes the audience want to LEAVE and VOMIT, though not necessarily in that order.

EXT. RHODE ISLAND

JIM is walking around, being picked on. Suddenly, he SNAPS!

REX ALLEN JR

This is where Jim's alter ego, Tony Clifton, emerged.

He almost drowns a kid to death in a fountain, destroys a barber shop, and sucks a woman's tit. This is FUNNY, because he is lashing out at people who treated him badly, even though they don't really quite deserve what they're getting. Oh and the woman didn't deserve anything at all.

EVIL JIM

I hate you people. Where's a puppy for me to kill?

INT. POLICE STATION

COP

You have multiple personality disorder, Jim.

OTHER COP

Schizophrenia, which is actually not multiple personality disorder.

COP

Take these pills every six hours or you'll be forced to mug for the camera.

RENEE ZELLWEGER

(scrunching up her face)

Help! I'm totally unable to act in a zany comedy! Should I be funny or should I be straight? Aieee!

JIM CARREY

Don't worry, I'll distract everyone from your inability to act in a comedy by mugging for the camera. Watch me take this pill.

The pill dries JIM'S THROAT so he's forced to become THAT GUY FROM IN LIVING COLOR THAT SETS EVERYTHING ON FIRE.

EXT. RANDOM OTHER LOCATION

RANDOM BAD GUY

I have some vague illegal thing going on. It's bad, and conspiratorial.

CHRIS COOPER

I'm a bad guy cop. I will protect people from finding out about our secret. This includes the audience. I'll be damned if I let the audience find out what the fuck we're talking about.

FARRELLY BROTHERS

It doesn't matter, shut up.

INT. HIGHWAY

JIM and RENEE are on the road, avoiding bad guys and such. JIM forgets his pills and becomes EVIL JIM whenever someone angers him by doing something EVIL JIM actually does, like discarding cigarette butts.

EVIL JIM gets rough with people for no reason, and is VIRTUALLY KILLED, except it's actually the GOOD JIM who winds up getting hurt and losing vital organs.

JIM CARREY

I don't really mind having the shit kicked out of me, that which doesn't kill me only makes me stronger.

CHRIS COOPER

I'm going to kill you.

EVIL JIM

No you won't.

EVIL JIM smacks him with a DILDO, which was recently SHOVED INSIDE OF JIM'S ASS AND MAYBE EVEN RENEE ZELLWEGER'S VAGINA.

CHRIS COOPER

Ow.

(falls)

RENEE ZELLWEGER

Let's run some more.

EVIL JIM

Okay, but as we run, I will have a continuing battle with myself so that I can throw myself around like in Fight Club, which was actually a GOOD movie.

RENEE ZELLWEGER

Ok, as long as both versions of you hit on me so that everyone can see how sweet the good Jim is and what a horny shit the bad Jim is.

He beats himself up.

JIM CARREY

Okay, I have overcome myself. Now I no longer need Evil Jim to deal with my problems.

RANDOM BAD GUY

I will kill Renee, the girl you love.

JIM CARREY

No you won't! I can overcome anything with the help of 700 pounds of fat black teen.

THREE BLACK KIDS

We love you, daddy! The square root of 566432 is 752.61676831979060896, motherfucker!

AUDIENCE

Ha ha ha, that was a hoot!

(pause)

I feel dirty.

RANDOM BAD GUY

(killed by Jim)

Ack!

RENEE ZELLWEGER

I love you, Jim! Let's get married! I'm blond, just like your first wife! And I even have half a shred more of a personality!

GUY THAT LOOKED A WHOLE LOT LIKE CHRIS ELLIOTT BUT WASN'T ACTUALLY HIM

Adopt me!

NARRATOR

Well, that's the end of our tale. It's a good thing I was here to explain to you that the whole family lived happily ever after. In fact, Jim Carrey and his female lead got together in real life, which is exactly what happened last time Jim worked with the Farrelly Brothers!

(pause)

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go take a shit on a used tampon so that I can make a popsicle out of it and feed it to a 12 year old pregnant girl that fucks horses in her spare time when she can get away from the strip club she works in that's owned by a Mexican dwarf that says nothing but the word "cunt" while masturbating to pictures of Bea Arthur naked in a pool of blood. Bye now.

THREE BLACK KIDS

Thanks for watching our motherfucking movie!

That was actually a line in the movie.

END

Discussion