"...well it's, uh, it's... hair gel? Yes! Hair gel! What did you think it was?"


"...well it's, uh, it's... hair gel? Yes! Hair gel! What did you think it was?"

MAX STEEL

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. BACKWATER TOWN, USA

BEN WINCHELL moves into town with his mom MARIA BELLO, BORINGLY.

BEN WINCHELL

In case you’ve never heard of me or seen my face I come from the same clone factory as Dylan O'Brien, Logan Lerman, Max Irons, Alden Ehrenreich, Nat Wolff-- just your basic dark haired teen who looks like that one guy you saw in that one YA movie adaptation you hated.

MARIA BELLO

Ben, as you know your father died back in 1999 while working on experimental alien energy so don’t forget to project lots and lots of angst.

BEN WINCHELL

(acts like an entitled jackass)

MARIA BELLO

Ah good. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go play "the mom" in six other movies coming out this year.

(is never needed from this point on)

BEN suddenly realizes his hand is covered in floating JIZZ.

BEN WINCHELL

Wait, did I have a wet dream that turned me into Edward Jizzerhands? Didn’t Spider-Man already do the superpowers = puberty shtick? Holy crap, this stuff destroys any electronics it touches! And just in time to be Mariah Carey’s New Years Eve technician!

BEN goes to school and meets his love interest BLANGELA BLANDINGTON.

BLANGELA BLANDINGTON

Hi Ben! I know we just met, but I’m your girlfriend now!

BEN WINCHELL

How? I’ve acted like a creepy stuttering weirdo on a sugar high for the entire 4 seconds we’ve known each other. If anything I should be feeling the sting of pepper spray and hearing a rape whistle right now.

BLANGELA BLANDINGTON

Haven’t you heard? Getting superpowers comes with a complementary girlfriend to string along and lie to!

Suddenly BEN gets all WORKED UP and EXPLODES all over the place.

With ENERGY. He explodes with ENERGY. White, sticky ENERGY.

Later BEN wakes up at home covered in sweat and MESSY SHEETS.

Then BEN is approached by a FLYING THIGH MASTER.

CGI JOSH BRENER

Greetings Ben! I’m your Jar Jar-esque alien robot sidekick from the planet Kremulon! Or maybe Omicron Persei 8! And I’m somehow not voiced by David Cross despite sounding exactly like him!

BEN WINCHELL

You don't say.

CGI JOSH BRENER

Oooh and I also knew your dad! He was an alien too despite looking like your average white human LA Fitness model! You inherited your shirtlessness from him!

BEN WINCHELL

You don't say.

CGI JOSH BRENER

And he died because he had too much alien Jizz energy in his body and he exploded! That’s what his race is filled with, nuclear seminal fluid!

BEN WINCHELL

You don't say.

CGI JOSH BRENER

You were about to explode too! But luckily I eat alien Jizz energy! I eat it up! So whenever you’re about to explode I can SUCK IT right out of you, neat huh?!

BEN WINCHELL

(pause)

You know, what’s funny is the people reading this script haven’t actually bothered to watch this movie so they have no idea if the script author is just making this alien Jizz nonsense up or not.

NOT. NOT MAKING IT UP. This is how The Editing Room suffers for you, folks.

CGI JOSH BRENER

(dry humps Ben's chest)

This HAPPENS.

EXT. BACKWATER TOWN

BEN is being pursued by MOOKS who want to steal his ALIEN MAN MILK ENERGY in their company standard BLACK SUV MOOK-MOBILES when BEN hops into BLANGELA’s car.

MOOKS

Eww! A girl! Gross!

(lets Ben escape)

This doesn't actually HAPPEN. I mean COME ON.

Kidding! It most certainly DOES ACTUALLY HAPPEN.

INT. ANDY GARCIA’S EVIL CORPORATION

BEN WINCHELL

Andy! You were my dad’s partner when he died working on the super secret alien spunk project so I was hoping you could help me-- wait a minute, that scene header said you’re evil!

ANDY GARCIA

Josh never told you what happened to your father.

BEN WINCHELL

He told me enough, he told me you kill him.

ANDY GARCIA

Well... Yes that’s correct. I made a deal with a bunch of evil alien floating thigh masters from Dimension X in exchange for this cool lobster claw arm. Now all the plush toys inside those crane vending machines will be ALL MINE!!!!

BEN WINCHELL

Your claw arm is not cool. It looks cheap and ridiculous, like this movie.

ANDY GARCIA

Eat a dick, Ben. Now I had planned to drain your father of all his alien Jizz energy, but then he blew up my spooge harnessing machine by releasing gobs and gobs of CGI sperm from his body.

(pause)

Okay, seriously, that’s in the movie too. That 100% happens. Someone wrote that, funded it, shot it, and a studio signed off on it. Yes, the main character’s dad suicides himself by exploding into a pool of alien tadpoles. This isn’t even a joke, this is just facts man.

ANDY forces BEN into his SEMEN SUCKING MACHINE but BEN overloads it with a massive amount of FLOATY JIZZ POWER.

CGI JOSH BRENER

That’s it Ben! Now we can combine powers to transform into Iron Power Ranger Guyver Man!

BEN WINCHELL

Wait, this is the movie’s climax and I’m JUST NOW transforming into my knock-off Mark 47 armor suit for the first time? Jesus, I even have a fucking Arc Reactor on my chest! Who are we trying to fool with this bullshit?

CGI JOSH BRENER

And in the sequel I become Vision!

ANDY GARCIA

Ha ha! But I TOO have an armor suit, completing my blatant Obadiah Stane ripoff! Except my suit is apparently two sizes too small for my body. I look like Kevin James in spandex pajamas.

They FIGHT! Or rather softly jab at each other's cheap plastic costumes before the adhesive wears off. Then ANDY drains BEN’s power with his TUNING FORK ARM.

ANDY GARCIA

That’s right Ben! I feed off of your gooey white man gravy!

BEN WINCHELL

Would you say you’re “sucking me dry?”

ANDY GARCIA

Dude. Gross. Stop it.

BEN WINCHELL

Josh, how do we beat Andy?

CGI JOSH BRENER

(actual line)

A thirsty man is prone to drowning!

BEN WINCHELL

So you want me to kill a villain who feeds on alien sperm energy... TOO MUCH alien sperm energy?

CGI JOSH BRENER

Apparently we are not above ripping off the dumbest part of the worst Spider-Man movie ever.

ANDY GARCIA

(yawns)

Alright, it’s clearly past my bedtime so let’s hurry this up. I’ve changed the setting on my claw arm from suck to blow so I can steal aaaall of your wet salty energy! GIVE IT ALL TO MEEEE!!!!

BEN WINCHELL

(actual line)

Are you sure? Because when I have too much energy I kind of explode!

ANDY GARCIA

So your ingenious coup de grâce is to kill me with extreme Bukkake? This makes the Ghostbusters 2016 climax look like the Ghostbusters 1984 climax!

BEN WINCHELL

And speaking of climaxes!

BEN EXPLODES all over ANDY, killing him with a HUGE LOAD... of ENERGY.

Okay, I feel we can not stress this enough: THIS. ALL. HAPPENS. LITERALLY. ALL OF IT. EVERY WORD. This is based on a toy BTW. That children play with. With their hands.

Jizz aliens, dude. Fucking Jizz aliens.

END

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