The Abridged Script
EXT. A STREET IN ITALY SOMEWHERE - DAY
I am the main character, but younger. I sell flowers.
Hello, Seth. How is my favorite
I am fine. I sure do enjoy being a FLORIST, despite having this leg problem which forces me to wear braces on my legs.
She points. The camera ZOOMS in on the leg braces.
Yes. Those braces. On my legs. That I wear on my legs. The braces I wear on my legs.
And you are a florist.
Suddenly, ITALIAN HENCHMEN who were friends of the director show up.
We will chase you.
I will run.
They CHASE SETH. He is RUNNING. We go into slow motion.
RUN, FLORIST!! RUN!!
Ha ha ha! A Forrest Gump reference! That was great! Although I wouldn't have understood that joke if they didn't so painstakingly set it up, so it's a good thing that scene took so long.
The BRACES on his legs FALL APART.
Ha. Like in the movie. Ha ha.
The bad guys trip over them and they FALL and HURT themselves.
I will go to America, where more hijinks and dated movie references can ensue.
INT. CUSTOMS - DAY
ITALIANS are in lines, waiting to become Americans. They stand in line, holding pasta, meatballs, sauces, and other items that Italians would carry. This mockery is FUNNY. SETH gets past customs, and goes into America, where he grows up into JAY MOHR.
I am Jay Mohr now. I am sorry for doing Paulie.
Jay walks around and, although he doesn't know it, his movements are causing things to happen around him that usually end up with MALES being hit in their PRIVATES. All of this is FUNNY.
INT. AN OFFICE-KINDA THING - DAY
I am a Mafia king.
I want to inherit the Mafia when Lloyd dies, and I am also crazy and nutty, which will make things very funny later on.
Let's have a party like the one in Godfather. If we make it look like the same set, people will think it's a parody.
Hello father, I am here, and I brought my girlfriend, Kelly Bundy.
I am the only female character in this, other than Jay's mother, I am not Italian, and being in a totally Italian environment will maximize the awareness of how funny our Italian stereotypes are.
OLYMPIA DUKAKIS, JAY's mother, FARTS. This is extremely FUNNY.
EXT. A PARTY LIKE THE ONE IN GODFATHER - DAY
I will now dance.
LLOYD dances in a comedic way.
RANDOM ITALIAN CHARACTER
You will DIE!
The RANDOM ITALIAN CHARACTER shoots LLOYD BRIDGES.
We watch the on-screen death of a character being played by an actor who recently actually died.
The RANDOM ITALIAN CHARACTER shoots LLOYD more and more, filling him with bullets. This scene is not CUT, despite being in terrible taste.
A dramatic scene ensues, depicting LLOYD dying. He breathes his last breath.
INT. HOSPITAL - DAY
I am alive.
Jay Mohr, I am giving you my empire, including the casino.
I wanted it, so that angers me.
He plots to kill JAY. He will FAIL and snort COCAINE.
I don't want you to be involved with the mob. I do not approve. Good bye.
INT. CASINO - DAY
JAY MOHR walks by casino tables. They contain weird games, such as GUESS THE NUMBER. This is very FUNNY, despite being LAME in NATIONAL LAMPOON'S VEGAS VACATION.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE WHITE HOUSE - DAY
Honey! I love you! While I am not getting rid of my Mafia, I realized that true love is more important than it, and I want you back.
I can't talk now. I have a meeting with the other world leaders.
Kelly Bundy as the president? Now THAT is funny.
A CUTE CHILD walks up.
We have a child. He will play football.
CHRISTINA goes long and the CUTE CHILD throws the football. CHRISTINA catches it and does a football victory dance, which is extremely FUNNY, because she is a woman and shouldn't be doing things like playing football and doing victory dances. If budget allows, have her in a DRESS and a FEMININE HAT to heighten the hilarity of it.
Jay Mohr, I love you!
I love you, too!
I love beans! Ha ha ha.
OLYMPIA DUKAKIS lets out a huge, gigantic, colossal FART.