"OKAY THIS IS THE *LAST TIME* I SIGN UP FOR THIS CARPOOL!!"


"OKAY THIS IS THE *LAST TIME* I SIGN UP FOR THIS CARPOOL!!"

MAD MAX: FURY ROAD

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. POST APOCALYPTIC DESERT WASTELAND, AKA AUSTRALIA, AND YES WE WILL MAKE THIS SAME DAMN JOKE FOR EVERY MAD MAX MOVIE FOR ALL ETERNITY

TOM HARDY grimly munches on a TWO-HEADED MUTANT LIZARD as he surveys the horizon, marking the first time anyone in these movies has given a shit about FOOD.

TOM HARDY (V/O)

I'm Mad Max. I live in the hyperviolent postapocalyptic age of road warriors. After years of surviving through pure hell on Earth, I have been reduced to pure instinct. No shred of my humanity remains. Only the fierce, lethal animal persists, carving a bloodsoaked legacy into the desolate land as the most savage, ruthless, primal force of AW SHIT BAD GUYS

(instantly defeated)

FUCK

INT. DUNGEON

TOM is chained up while his COMPLETE MEDICAL HISTORY, LIST OF KNOWN ALLERGIES, PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE, and INSURANCE INFORMATION are tattooed onto his back.

TOM HARDY

It seems I am being held captive by a gang of Kratos cosplayers. Time to display my badass action hero skills by escaping!

(does so)

(is immediately recaptured)

Fuck!

The KRATOS IMPERSONATORS are actually called WAR BOYS and one of them is NICHOLAS HOULT.

NICHOLAS HOULT

War Boys dream of the day we die and go to Valhalla, which is apparently filled with chrome shiny things and not Thor's dead relatives. Our zeal for war is matched only by our debilitating radiation sickness which requires constant blood transfusions, except for when it doesn't! Thanks to his universal blood type, I've chosen Tom to be my living blood bag.

TOM HARDY

That's all well and good Nic, but I really need to be escaping and pushing the story forward, because I am the title character after all.

(remains tied up for the rest of the first act)

Okay seriously WHAT THE FUCK?!?

EXT. CASTLE GREYSKULL

Deformed sack-of-shit cult leader HUGH KEAYS-BYRNE prepares to deliver his DAILY STATUS REPORT. First, however, he gives his people their daily ration of HOWEVER MUCH WATER THEY CAN RESCUE WITH A TEENY TINY CUP AS IT SPLASHES OFF ROCKS, which come on, there's a line between being a cruel repressive warlord and just being a dick, dude.

HUGH KEAYS-BYRNE

Greetingsh loyal subjectsh. I have gathersh you here for-- hey, did I somehow inherit Bane-speak from Tom? No one can understand a damn word I'm saying.

(fixes the auto-tune function on his horse teeth mask)

That's better. So, as I was saying, I have appointed Charlize Theron as driver of my War Rig to go get more precious gasoline to power the flaming death metal band I'm managing. Ever since I kidnapped her as a child, ripping her from an idyllic oasis to live in this shitpile, I knew she'd be the perfect person to entrust with my most important tasks!

CHARLIZE THERON

Um, yeah. Me and my amputated arm are steadfastly loyal to your cause, for sure. We totally don't call you Quasimo'fo' behind your back.

CHARLIZE sets out in her ARMORED WAR RIG and gets maybe HALF A MILE away from HUGH's fortress before she takes a hard left onto FURY ROAD, which is really more of a FURY DESERT since in fact there are no proper roads anywhere in this movie called FURY ROAD.

WARY WAR BOY

Hey, what's goin' on, Charlize? Are we double-crossing Hugh? I ask because if you were, surely you would have at least made it SEEM like we were heading towards our original goal, maybe go past it before changing course? Or at least get out of eyeshot first? And you'd probably have invented some pretense to order all us War Boys off the rig before taking off, so either you are terrible at escape plans, or...

CHARLIZE THERON

GODDAMMIT WE ARE DRIVING ACTION CINEMA FACEFIRST INTO A BOLD NEW ERA AT TOP FUCKING SPEED, ARE YOU WITH ME OR NOT

WAR BOY

Huh? Okay yeah, cool. Just let us know when we should clue in and start fighting you.

Sensing something is amiss, HUGH rushes to his POST-APOCALYPTIC DRAWING ROOM to find...

HUGH KEAYS-BYRNE

Nooo! Charlize took all of my sexy sex slaves including my favorite, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, who is pregnant with my property! Yes, I've named the baby "My Property" because baby names are insane in the post-apocalypse.

HUGH mobilizes his entire army of PIMPED-OUT DEATHMOBILES which also includes a vehicle entirely devoted to DRUMS and FIRE GUITAR DEATH METAL, which could be seen as a COLOSSAL WASTE OF PRECIOUS GASOLINE if it weren't also THE SINGLE FUCKING COOLEST APOCALYPSEMOBILE IN THE HISTORY OF EVER.

NICHOLAS HOULT

Our army's response time would be even BETTER if we didn't keep all our steering wheels in a giant heap in a storage room...

(rushes to a deathmobile)

I may need extra blood so I'm strapping Tom to the grill of my car like a ship's mast while also being chained directly to me! This is tactically idiotic on so many levels!!

TOM HARDY

(still not really relevant to the story yet)

Fuuuck!!!

(becomes hood ornament)

EXT. FURY "ROAD"

HUGH KEAYS-BYRNE

Ha! I caught up to Charlize despite her considerable head start! Are you driving that rig at 3 miles per hour or what?

CHARLIZE THERON

Damn, my plan of hoping you wouldn't chase me has failed! Hold on, is that a convenient sandstorm just over there? Time for the classic "Star Trek II: Wrath of Master & Commander" maneuver!

CHARLIZE drives into the DEADLY STORM which also happens to contain a EVEN DEADLIER ELECTRIC DISCO FUNKSTORM that FRAGS most of her pursuers!

NICHOLAS HOULT

Yes! This is my chance to gain everlasting glory by kamikazeing Charlize's rig! What a lovely day! To die, that is!

TOM HARDY

What? Okay, so NOW can I do something cool?

TOM breaks free of his restraints and stops NICHOLAS by WRECKING THE CAR WHILE GOING 120 MPH.

TOM HARDY

Luckily I was saved by being knocked unconscious and buried under 6 feet of sand for what seems like hours.

TOM sneaks up on CHARLIZE's rig, which has parked so that HUGH'S BRIDES can strip down and hose themselves down in an impromptu BUDWEISER COMMERCIAL.

ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY

Oh don't mind us Tom, we're just removing these shark-toothed chastity belts Hugh put on us.

TOM HARDY

Yes, well it seems I too have a chastity belt to remove that's strapped to my face, so help a brother out.

Instead they FIGHT! But TOM is still chained to NICHOLAS who's unconscious.

CHARLIZE THERON

Thanks to that huge disadvantage to Tom I beat him and stole his gun!

TOM HARDY

Ha! That gun doesn't work so now I beat YOU! We are evenly matched! Well, save for the 130-pound guy weighing me down that is.

CHARLIZE THERON

Well Hugh's army is coming so I say we team up.

TOM HARDY

Let me think about it.

TOM steals CHARLIZE's rig and abandons her and the BRIDES, however a KILL SWITCH stops the rig after about TEN FEET.

TOM HARDY

I have thought about your offer and I accept now that I have no choice.

CHARLIZE THERON

Good, because I now trust you implicitly. Here's the kill switch code.

TOM HARDY

Why would you do that? I just beat you up and left you to die.

CHARLIZE THERON

You also had the chance to murder and/or rape us but you didn't, which practically makes you a saint in this universe. Let's go!

EXT. CANYON AKA FURY OFFRAMP

CHARLIZE THERON

I've made a deal with the biker Nomads in this canyon, for safe passage. If anything goes wrong though, I'll sacrifice myself so Tom can drive everyone else out of here.

TOM HARDY

What kind of plan is that? Risking your life to liberate these women only to leave them in the hands of a total stranger? And remember how you're the only one who knows where the hell we're going?!?

CHARLIZE THERON

You expect better plans from someone who decided to shave off all her hair and smear mascara all over her forehead? Now I'm supposed to be alone, so don't anybody make any noise or this transaction is going to go completely tits up.

ROSE picks this exact moment to go into FALSE LABOR and everything goes COMPLETELY TITS UP. The NOMADS attack with ROCKSLIDES and MOTOCROSS STUNTS, but TOM and CHARLIZE escape the canyon in the war rig.

CHARLIZE THERON

Aw nuts, Hugh's crazy monster truck thing is still after us!

HUGH KEAYS-BYRNE

My War Boys surely would have killed you Charlize, if they didn't have to pause and spray-paint their epiglottises before doing anything. But now I shall end you!

ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY

(shielding Charlize)

Ha! You won't shoot through me Hugh, because no way is George Miller going to kill off a sexy pregnant woman!

TOM HARDY

Good job, Rose. You've officially redeemed yourself from being in Transformers 3.

ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY

Really?! Gee thanks Tom! I really apprecia

(falls off rig)

(run over by Hugh)

HUGH KEAYS-BYRNE

Whoops.

(wrecks)

EXT. DESERT - FURY TURNPIKE

TOM and CHARLIZE realize NICHOLAS has stowed away aboard the war rig.

NICHOLAS HOULT

I guess you guys are going to kill me now seeing as that I was eagerly helping Hugh to murder you not five minutes ago.

TOM HARDY

Actually, since Charlize and I will remain platonic friends we need you for the teen angst romantic subplot, so here's your love interest Riley Keough.

RILEY KEOUGH

A thank ya, thank ya very much. But Nicholas, don't you still need blood transfusions from Tom?

NICHOLAS HOULT

Everyone's forgotten that was a thing by this point so no.

CHARLIZE THERON

Now, to continue on to my childhood home which is filled with life and children and jellybean trees!

TOM and CHARLIZE drive the war rig through a DESOLATE WASTELAND OF MUD AND CRAP inhabited only by REJECTED "LION KING THE MUSICAL" CHARACTERS.

CHARLIZE THERON

Jesus, I feel sorry for the sad fucks that call this place home.

The ground gradually turns to so much WET SHIT as the gang keeps merrily driving along until they get STUCK.

CHARLIZE THERON

Well that was brilliant. Plus I hear one of Hugh's associates, the Bullet Farmer, coming to kill us.

TOM HARDY

I got this! Hitting a faint distant headlight through mist and darkness, that's the perfect use for our few remaining rifle rounds!

(wastes bullets uselessly)

Fuck!

CHARLIZE THERON

Allow me? Since I only have one hand, I'll rest the muzzle against your inner eardrum.

CHARLIZE takes out the BULLET FARMER'S RIDE and HALF OF TOM'S ABILITY TO HEAR ANYTHING with a single shot!

TOM HARDY

Fine, you have better aim than me. But now I can demonstrate my OWN battle prowess by single-handedly defeating a carful of bad guys in a bloody, violent-

(happens entirely offscreen)

Oh COME ON!!!!

EXT. DESERT - DISPLEASURE ROUNDABOUT

TOM and CHARLIZE find a band of NOMAD WOMEN!

CHARLIZE THERON

Hey guys! It's me Charlize! The last time you saw me I was a baby-faced kid with two arms but I'm certain you recognize me!

MELISSA JAFFER

We do! Just as Farscape fans recognize me as the crazy old woman with three eyes! And in case you were looking for your childhood home, those fermented turdfields you drove through was it.

CHARLIZE THERON

Oh.

(loses her shit)

MELISSA JAFFER

Come on Charlize, it's not so bad. We have motorcycles that we plan to ride into the desert until we either run out of gas or food or die from heat exhaustion, whichever comes first. You're welcome to join us!

CHARLIZE THERON

Yes, that sounds like a wonderfully suicidal plan. I'm in!

TOM HARDY

OR, we could turn around and fight Hugh's entire army a second time. I mean, the first half of the movie had some of the most fucking awesome action sequences in years, why not just do it again?

CHARLIZE THERON

An even MORE wonderfully suicidal plan! I'm in!

MELISSA JAFFER

Us too!

TOM HARDY

Wow, I literally got everyone to follow a crazy plan I wrote on a napkin.

EXT. DESERT - ANNOYANCE BOULEVARD

HUGH's camp are all NAPPING, including FIRE GUITAR GUY, whose official name is COMA-DOOF WARRIOR causing the audience to frantically Google WHAT THE FUCK DOES COMA-DOOF WARRIOR MEAN AND HOW DO I GET ONE.

HUGH KEAYS-BYRNE

(noticing something)

Oh no, Charlize is doubling back! I just now realized that exactly ALL of my soldiers are out here with me leaving my kingdom of disgruntled thirsty poor people unguarded!

WAR BOY

Seriously, you brought EVERYONE? You do remember we have other enemies and random murderers wandering about this deathscape, don't you?

BATTLE IS JOINED!! BOOM BADDA DUNNA-DUNNA DUNNA-DUNNA BOOM!!! HUGH's ARMY immediately kills MELISSA and her WARRIOR WOMEN in about 10 seconds flat.

HUGH KEAYS-BYRNE

Cirque du Soleil unit, move in!

HUGH's minions use INTERPRETIVE CIRCUS DANCE to abduct one of the BRIDES, ZOE KRAVITZ.

ZOE KRAVITZ

Yoik! Don't hurt me Hugh, I'm only here so that Riley isn't the only descendant of a famous musician to appear in this film.

Meanwhile TOM is almost shot in the head except his RECURRING FLASHBACK of SOME LITTLE GIRL makes him reflexively throw up his hand, and he only gets SHOT IN THE HAND!

TOM HARDY

Ouch, dammit, couldn't my PTSD reflex be to duck instead? Now I'm wounded!

CHARLIZE THERON

Well I've been fatally stabbed so I'm spending the rest of this action sequence looking like I'm straining to release a fart without pooping myself.

TOM HARDY

Yes! That means I finally get to kick some motherfucking ass thereby proving that I'M the main character and not Charlize!

TOM activates BEAST MODE and slaughters most of HUGH's army, but CHARLIZE is the one who gets to kill HUGH herself by ripping his ENTIRE GODDAMN FACE OFF.

TOM HARDY

Nuts.

RILEY KEOUGH

Great! That means Nicholas and I are going to have a happy ending!

However NICHOLAS frags the remaining army with a REEEEEALLY CHEESY 3-D EFFECT that also kills HIMSELF!

RILEY KEOUGH

Well poop.

ZOE KRAVITZ

Oh no! Charlize has finally, inevitably, prolongedly, after really QUITE some time, succumbed to her severe blood loss! She's doomed!

TOM HARDY

It's okay, I've got enough blood for everybody since apparently "universal donor" also means "infinite supply" in this world. Plus I'll reveal my first name to Charlize, and that gesture of trust will help rally her spirits. I won't share my absurd last name of Rockatansky, though, because then she might decide to just fuck this shit and die.

EXT. BACK AT CASTLE GREYSKULL WHICH IS IRONICALLY ALL THAT'S LEFT OF HUGH'S FACE

TOM shows everyone the corpse of their old totalitarian ruler HUGH and the people immediately install CHARLIZE as their NEW totalitarian ruler.

CHARLIZE THERON

Aren't you gonna stick around?

TOM HARDY

Fuck no. I'm gonna do what Mad Max always does: wander into somebody else's problems, help out a bit while barely communicating, then take off. I'm basically the Littlest Hobo of the post-apocalypse. Why do people keep forgetting that?!?

VILLAGE ROADSHOW PICTURES announces plans for the COMA-DOOF WARRIOR CINEMATIC UNIVERSE.

END

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