Mel & the gang scientifically prove this movie is EXACTLY as much fun as a root canal.


Mel & the gang scientifically prove this movie is EXACTLY as much fun as a root canal.

LETHAL WEAPON 4

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. A STREET - NIGHT

A PSYCHO is walking around, covered in a costume, SHOOTING FLAMES at things and shooting other things with a GUN. MEL GIBSON and DANNY GLOVER are behind their car, which is being shot by the PSYCHO.

MEL GIBSON

Hey. Your daughter is married. Shes having a kid.

DANNY GLOVER

Your Rene Russo is pregnant.

MEL GIBSON

I'm cool with that. Hey, is something going on here?

DANNY GLOVER

Yeah. I beleive it's the introductory pointless action sequence that everyone saw in the movie trailer

MEL GIBSON

Oh. So it's not like this guy is ever going to matter for the rest of the movie?

DANNY GLOVER

Nope. Only our expositionary conversation will.

Mel Gibson pulls a GUN and shoots at the PSYCHO. The bullets bounce off of him.

A PSYCHO

Har har.

The PSYCHO replies with more gunfire, as well as blowing up something.

MEL GIBSON

Shit.. WAIT! I have an idea.

Mel Gibson pulls another gun. He shoots some valve on the PSYCHO and the PSYCHO explodes, which causes a nearby GAS STATION and GAS TRUCK and GAS COMPANY and GAS STATION ATTENDENTS and CARS WITH GAS IN THEM and LAWNMOWERS to all BLOW UP.

INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

CAPTAIN

You're being promoted to captain

DANNY GLOVER

Har. Now we can proceed with even more zany antics

MEL GIBSON

And blow more expensive things up.

INT. A WAREHOUSE - DAY

Bad guys walk around, beating baby seals and worshipping Hitler.

JET LI

I am a bad guy. Boy am I gonna kick some ass soon.

INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

CHRIS ROCK

I AM CHRIS ROCK!

JOE PESCI

Okay, Okay, I'm Joe Pesci, okay, whatever. Talk to the hand. Hey, ya know what? Cell phones fuck you. Okay, they fuck you and fuck you. And then they fuck you. Also, fuck, okay?

CHRIS ROCK

YEAH! FUCK. FUCK FUCK. YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE FUCKS YOU? PHONE COMPANIES!

(looks to camera)

THATS WHY I ALWAYS USE 1-800-COLLECT FOR MY CALLS. IT'S THE BEST! FUCK.

JOE PESCI

Fuck yeah! Fuck fuck. Fuck fuck fuck?

CHRIS ROCK

FUCK. FUCK FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. FUCK. FUCK FUCK. FUCK FUCK? FUCK!

CAPTAIN

I want you to go somewhere that isn't this station.

EXT. SOMEWHERE, ANYWHERE - DAY

DANNY GLOVER

I'm bored.

MEL GIBSON

HEY! Bad guys! Let's get 'em!

They chase BAD GUYS and beat the CRAP out of them.

DANNY GLOVER

I'm too old for this shit.

MEL GIBSON

(to bad guys)

Who are you working for?

BAD GUYS

The main villain for this movie.

CHRIS ROCK

WOW! WHAT A COINCIDENCE WE MET THEM!

(to DANNY GLOVER)

HEY! BAD GUYS SUCK! CAN I GET YOU A CIGAR OR SOMETHING?

That scene repeats itself in different locations until an hour and a half has passed.

INT. DANNY GLOVERS HOUSE - DAY

DANNY GLOVER

(entering)

Honey I'm home.

(pause)

Honey?

DANNY GLOVER'S WIFE is being held with a gun to her head by an ASIAN MAN. Also, other ASIAN MEN hold guns to the heads of other CAST MEMBERS.

RENE RUSSO

Help. I'm pregnant.

JET LI

That won't stop me from killing you

AUDIENCE

Hey, he's really evil.

MEL GIBSON throws a random item at a bad guy. He is thrown off guard. A Battle ensues. Many of the shrill female cast members escape. The bad guys get beaten up (or blown up if budget allows) JET LI stands, looking cool and also evil.

MEL GIBSON

Har har. I am so cool for kicking all of that collective ass.

DANNY GLOVER

I'm too old for this shit.

JET LI

Well, I suppose I've got to do this now.

JET LI channels JACKIE CHAN though him and does some cool looking kung fu stuff. Eventually, he beats everyone up.

AUDIENCE

Wow. That was impressive.

All cast members are tied up, including the ones who escaped during that scene. The house is on FIRE. They escape from the ropes and exit, to watch the house burn down (or blow up, if budget allows)

CHRIS ROCK THAT SON OF A BITCH! LET'S GET HIM.

INT. A WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

Characters say things about the plot that the AUDIENCE has not payed attention to. ASIAN BAD GUYS stand around in a pattern, waiting for a fight scene so they can be killed and shot (or blown up). CRASH! The good guys enter. They fight. Things explode.

JET LI

Damn.

JET LI begins kicking the ass of anyone unlucky enough to get in the camera's view. JET LI runs to MEL GIBSON. MEL GIBSON shoots him, shoves a spike through him, decapitates him, kicks him in the crotch, drowns him, burns him, blows him into pieces, bashes him with a chair, bashes him with a JOE PESCI, and pokes him in the eyes. He DIES.

AUDIENCE

DAMN! He was the most interesting character in this thing.

MEL GIBSON

I'm too old for this shit.

DANNY GLOVER

I'm too old for this shit.

AUDIENCE

They are way too old for this shit.

INT. HOSPITAL - DAY

Babies are popping out of wombs all over the place. RENE RUSSO acts like a moody woman giving birth and yells at people, which is FUNNY.

CHRIS ROCK

I'M A FATHER! AND HE'S BLACK, LIKE ME, WHICH I WILL DRAW ATTENTION TO IN ORDER TO GET NERVOUS LAUGHTER FROM MY AUDIENCE!

JOE PESCI

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, whatever, okay, okay, okay, talk to the hand, okay....

MEL GIBSON

I am also a father! But I'm cool about it.

RENE RUSSO

Why the hell did I take this part? This role totally sucked.

DANNY GLOVER

I'm too old for this shit.

DIRECTOR RICHARD DONNER

I'm not! Ha ha ha ha! I'm already working on number 5! And I will cast Jackie Chan, Leonardo DiCaprio, Brad Pitt, Samuel L. Jackson......

END

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