Thanks to Photoshop, David Spade's hair was created by copy/pasting the dog's.


Thanks to Photoshop, David Spade's hair was created by copy/pasting the dog's.

LOST AND FOUND

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. DAVID SPADE'S APARTMENT

DAVID SPADE sits sarcastically.

DAVID SPADE

Man, I want to get laid. It's actually feasible this time, because in this film I am a likeable jerk instead of a nerdy unlikeable jerk.

There is a KNOCK at the door. DAVID answers it sarcastically.

SOPHIE MARCEAU

Hello David. I am so fucking hot.

DAVID SPADE

(sarcastically)

Duh, no you're not.

SOPHIE MARCEAU

I'm not?

DAVID SPADE

(sarcastically)

Yeah, because I WASN'T being sarcastic or anying.

SOPHIE MARCEAU

I don't understand, why did you say I was not hot? Tell me why.

DAVID SPADE

Because I wasn't being sarcastic!! ARRGHHH WHY DO I ALWAYS SAY EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN INSTEAD OF THE SARCASTIC OPPOSITE?

SOPHIE MARCEAU

What?

DAVID SPADE

Just give me your damn dog.

DAVID steals her dog, sarcastically.

DAVID SPADE

I don't think I can look after this dog alone. I need a Chris Farley replacement.

ARTIE LANGE

Hi!

DAVID SPADE

You'll do.

They do comical things involving the dog.

SOPHIE MARCEAU

Have any of you seen my dog?

DAVID SPADE

(sarcastically)

Uh.. YES! Yeah, I saw your dog.

SOPHIE MARCEAU

You did?

DAVID SPADE

(sarcastically)

Yeah, cause I wasn't being sarcastic or anything again.

SOPHIE punches DAVID in the face. She then gets semen on her hand, which she rubs into her hair..er..wait, wrong movie.

ARTIE LANGE

I'm in the movie, too!

More antics ensue, which include DAVID getting shit on his face, trying to cover his naked body, and almost killing the dog. He also makes fun of stuff, which is FUNNY despite the fact that there's an entire generation of teenagers that do the same thing constantly, and often better.

SOPHIE MARCEAU

Hey, you had my dog this whole time!

DAVID SPADE

I guess you hate me now.

SOPHIE MARCEAU

(botching her joke with her inability to speak English)

No, in fact I want to make sweet passionate love to you, you sexy little dwarf.

DAVID SPADE

Tee hee!

They FUCK, because SPADE, despite being an elfin nerd, can easily get chicks like SOPHIE.

DAVID SPADE

(sarcastically)

I'm not the kind of sell-out that I used to ridicule on SNL.

DENNIS MILLER

(ignorantly genuine)

Neither am I. I'm as genuine as Joyce Molleur's broken leg. Or Yeltsin's liquor bottle. Or some other obscure, trendy reference!

AUDIENCE

What?

DAVID SPADE

Don't worry about him, he has his own tv show where he sells out constantly. I'm the one selling out right now, pay attention to me.

AUDIENCE

(sarcastically)

This movie DOESN'T suck or anything.

DAVID SPADE

Hey, you know what? You suck. You all suck. Everyone sucks except me.

ARTIE LANGE

Golly, I'm quite fat!

END

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