That "Friends" spin-off REALLY went off the rails in Season 3.


That "Friends" spin-off REALLY went off the rails in Season 3.

LOST IN SPACE

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. THE HOUSEHOLD ROBINSON, THE FUTURE

The ROBINSON FAMILY is PACKING while their INSUFFERABLE teenage daughter, LACEY CHABERT, complains in her SHRILL VOICE.

LACEY CHABERT

(in a pitch only audible to dogs)

This sucks! Why do we have to leave Earth?

To balance out her SHARPNESS, her father, WILLIAM HURT, delivers his lines AS FLATLY AS POSSIBLE.

WILLIAM HURT

(half asleep)

The Earth is dying. We have to colonize a planet called Alpha Prime on the other side of the galaxy.

Wife and mother, MIMI ROGERS, enters the scene.

MIMI ROGERS

Your work may be vital for the survival of the human race, but you need to pay more attention to your son, JACK JOHNSON.

WILLIAM HURT

It has been hard to take him seriously since he wrote the entire Curious George soundtrack.

MIMI ROGERS

He won 1st Place at the science fair and his award would make a handy prison shank, should the need arise.

WILLIAM HURT

(scoffs)

I wish he wouldn’t waste time on voodoo science like time travel. Anyway, I’m off to work on my Stargate that can instantly teleport matter across the universe.

JACK enters the scene while solving THREE RUBIK’S CUBES with ONE HAND and publishing a book on APPLIED ASTROPHYSICS with the OTHER.

JACK JOHNSON

Why don’t we use the gate to jump to our destination, rather than spending ten years traveling there?

WILLIAM HURT

We have to build an exit gate at Alpha Prime. If we enter hyperspace without a gate, we could wind up anywhere and become...

(dramatic pause)

LOST IN SPACE.

(dun dun dunnnnnnnnnn)

INT. SPACESHIP LAUNCH STATION, STILL THE FUTURE

WILLIAM and a COMMANDING OFFICER GUY meet with MATT "JOEY" LEBLANC.

COMMANDING OFFICER GUY

As reward for saving a fellow pilot's life, you are hereby assigned to pilot the Jupiter 2 on the prestigious mission to Alpha Prime.

MATT "JOEY" LEBLANC

Woo hoo!

COMMANDING OFFICER GUY

However, as punishment for disobeying a direct order not to save a fellow pilot's life, you will be trapped on a spaceship for ten years with Lacey Chabert.

MATT "JOEY" LEBLANC

Fuck!

WILLIAM HURT

I’m in charge but you will take command during military situations. This ambiguous command structure will cause no problems whatsoever.

HEATHER GRAHAM walks past and JOEY’S inner CONSTRUCTION WORKER takes COMMAND.

MATT "JOEY" LEBLANC

(catcall whistle)

Are we in space already? Cuz dat ass is out of this world.

HEATHER GRAHAM

Nothing like casual sexism to get the audience to root for a protagonist...

(walks away)

MATT "JOEY" LEBLANC

(to WILLIAM)

That's a cold fish I'd like to thaw... with my dick!

WILLIAM HURT

(devoid of emotion)

She's my daughter. But even if she wasn't, Jesus Christ that was inappropriate.

INT. JUPITER 2, ALSO THE FUTURE

GARY OLDMAN programs a BLUE DICK TUBOT to SABOTAGE the mission.

GARY OLDMAN

(evilly)

This is a stealth mission, so ensure that you repeatedly shout your mission objectives.

BLUE DICK TUBOT

(deafeningly)

AFFIRMATIVE. SIXTEEN HOURS INTO MISSION, DESTROY ALL SYSTEMS. DESTROY ROBINSON FAMILY. BEFRIEND SMALL BOY.

GARY OLDMAN

(drums fingers together)

Excellent.

(breaks character)

I'm sorry, are you sure you want me to act so hyperbolically evil? I feel like a cartoon charac-

(interrupted by director)

Go bigger? Really? I'm already selling it pretty-

(interrupted again)

Ok, I'll give it a shot.

(clears throat)

Ehhhhhxcellent. MUHAHAHAHAHA!

GARY passes out in an AIR VENT from the exertion of OVERACTING. Meanwhile, the ROBINSON FAMILY and JOEY board the ship and LAUNCH into SPACE.

WILLIAM HURT

We will be cryogenically frozen for the duration of the trip.

(enters cryotube)

This may impact my ability to make facial express-

(frozen)

MIMI ROGERS

Who designed these spacesuits? Joel Schumacher? I think the studio just sanded off the Bat Nip-

(frozen)

JACK and LACEY are also frozen which luckily SHUTS THEM UP. JOEY follows HEATHER to her CRYOTUBE.

MATT "JOEY" LEBLANC

(smugly)

If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you take your pants off and dance around a little?

HEATHER GRAHAM

(vomits in mouth)

(frozen)

MATT "JOEY" LEBLANC

I find the most erotic part of a woman is the boobies-

(frozen)

INT. JUPITER 2, SIXTEEN HOURS FURTHER INTO THE FUTURE

GARY awakes to find that he is TRAPPED on the ship.

BLUE DICK TUBOT

(powers on)

DESTROY ALL SYSTEMS. FLAIL ARMS ABOUT WILDLY.

It DOES these THINGS. GARY attempts to shut it down but FAILS; instead, he WAKES UP the ROBINSONS.

WILLIAM HURT

(monotone)

Oh dear, it will kill us all.

The TUBOT aims his gun at MIMI and LACEY. DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNN.

BLUE DICK TUBOT

(powers down)

JACK JOHNSON

(enters, typing on tablet)

While you all had your heads up your asses, I easily took control of the robot. Maybe next time you’ll come to my science fair.

They realize that HEATHER is still in her CRYOTUBE.

MIMI ROGERS

She won’t wake up! And she’s choking on her own vomit! And she’s the only doctor onboard! Talk about Murphy's Law, amirite?

MATT "JOEY" LEBLANC

Not the first time I’ve made a woman choke... with my dick!

(grabs GARY)

Give me one reason why I shouldn’t kill you!

GARY OLDMAN

I’m a doctor and can save her life!

(glances out window)

And we’re about to fly into the sun.

MATT "JOEY" LEBLANC

I said one, fucker!

(leaves)

JOEY and WILLIAM run to the BRIDGE while GARY and the other ROBINSONS bring HEATHER to the MEDICAL BAY.

GARY OLDMAN

(zaps HEATHER'S heart with laser)

JACK JOHNSON

Why do we need you? The machine is doing all the work!

GARY OLDMAN

(scoffs... evilly)

You think a machine can rival the skill and precision of a highly trained doctor?

GARY follows this up by repeatedly SLAMMING HIS FIST into HEATHER’S STERNUM.

HEATHER GRAHAM

(starts breathing)

Our futuristic supermedicine can’t compete with a good ol’ fashioned haymaker to the chest!

On the BRIDGE, JOEY and WILLIAM attempt to change course.

MATT "JOEY" LEBLANC

We’re getting pulled in! We have to hyperjump out of here!

WILLIAM HURT

I already foreshadowed what would happen if we did that.

MATT "JOEY" LEBLANC

I wasn’t in that scene!

(hits button)

The pinnacle of 90’s CGI occurs as everyone does a five-second MANNEQUIN CHALLENGE and JOEY does his ROBERT DE NIRO IMPRESSION.

MATT "JOEY" LEBLANC

(returning to normal)

That effect didn’t age well.

DANCING BABY

(appears)

Neither did your career.

(dances away to Blue Swede)

WILLIAM HURT

Where are we? We could be anywhere in the univer-

LACEY CHABERT

Look, a ship from Earth!

JACK JOHNSON

It’s super advanced, as though from the future. It’s also inside a shimmering time bubble that I predict Wonder Woman will someday steal from us.

MIMI ROGERS

At least something good came from this movie.

INT. SHIP FROM EARTH AND ALSO THE FUTURE'S FUTURE

WILLIAM, HEATHER, JOEY, GARY, and the TUBOT board the MYSTERIOUS ship.

MATT "JOEY" LEBLANC

Everyone split up and look for a map. Gary, go ahead and move about freely even though you tried to kill us and repeatedly refer to yourself as evil.

THEY DO THIS. WILLIAM finds the BRIDGE and plays a VIDEO.

VIDEO

It's the future, the Robinsons are still lost, Lacey Chabert became hot-

(static)

WILLIAM HURT

(to MIMI over radio)

I found the star maps. As long as nothing attacks us during the download, we’ll be fine.

MIMI ROGERS

(over radio)

Feel free to drop your guard. I scanned the ship and found absolutely no traces of life.

A HORRIFYING CGI LIZARD MONKEY appears! JOEY PICKS IT UP.

HORRIFYING CGI LIZARD MONKEY

Blarp.

MATT "JOEY" LEBLANC

(puts face within biting range)

Aw, we find you cute for some reason. That’s your name now: Blarp.

(looks at camera)

Yes, seriously: BLARP.

BLARP, THE HORRIFYING CGI LIZARD MONKEY

(has no relevance to the plot)

HEATHER GRAHAM

Hey, guys!

(points at ceiling)

This matter appears biological.

GARY OLDMAN

Really, the pulsing egg sack that’s oozing with blue goo? That’s not a trendy light fixture?

MIMI ROGERS

(over radio)

I screwed up with Blarp, but this time, I’m 100% certain that there is no life present-

The EGG SACK bursts open, revealing thousands of SPACE SPIDERS! The people RUN AWAY while the TUBOT gets ENVELOPED and must be LEFT BEHIND.

MATT "JOEY" LEBLANC

(begins assembling gun)

I’d trade all this weaponry...

(click)

For a lousy...

(click)

Can of Raid...

(click)

I also wish...

(click)

I hadn’t waited...

(click)

To assemble...

(click)

This fucking gun.

JOEY gets ONE SHOT OFF and then RUNS into the AIRLOCK. As it closes, GARY gets scratched by a SPACE SPIDER.

MATT "JOEY" LEBLANC

(jumps into pilot chair)

Let’s blow this popsicle stand, literally!

WILLIAM HURT

I order you not to do that. The explosion could fuck up our ship and make us crash into that nearby Earth-like planet that probably has oxygen.

CUT TO:

INT. JUPITER 2, THE REGULAR FUTURE

SHIP’S COMPUTER

Status report: The explosion fucked up our ship and made us crash into this nearby Earth-like planet that definitely has oxygen.

MIMI ROGERS

(enters)

Our engines are blown but I can fix them with some radioactive materi-

SHIP’S COMPUTER

(interrupts)

Radioactive material discovered one mile away.

WILLIAM HURT

(to JOEY)

I’m still angry that you got us stuck here, but great work crashing into the most convenient planet in the galaxy.

(looks out window)

The radioactive material is inside a giant shimmering time bubble.

JACK JOHNSON

I predict this bubble is a byproduct of a man-made time machine. It’s also causing massive earthquakes that will destroy the planet-

WILLIAM HURT

Shut up, son. Daddy’s thinking.

(to JOEY)

Here’s the plan: We go out into the possibly harmful atmosphere, enter the time bubble that may contain more lava-spitting metal spiders, and pick up some potentially unstable radioactive material.

MATT "JOEY" LEBLANC

This sounds like a job for:

(heroic pose)

Two men without spacesuits!

JACK JOHNSON

There’s a 97% chance that you will both die.

WILLIAM HURT

I PROMISE I will come back. Just like I promised I would come to your science fair-

(beat)

Oh, shit.

They LEAVE.

EXT. EARTH-LIKE PLANET THAT DEFINITELY HAS OXYGEN, ADJACENT TO THE FUTURE

WILLIAM and JOEY reach the TIME BUBBLE. WILLIAM tests the barrier by PUNCHING HIS HAND through it.

MATT “JOEY” LEBLANC

(sarcastic)

That was scientific...

WILLIAM HURT

Don’t be a pussy. Let’s go.

(beat)

Wait... Mr. Shoot First and Hit on the Boss’ Daughter is being cautious and I’m being a cavalier dick? Did we deliver each other’s lines?

They enter the TIME BUBBLE.

SHITTILY-MADE DICK TUBOT

(flailing several arms)

DANGER, OLD WILL ROBINSON! DANGER!

(shoots/wounds JOEY)

YOU ARE NOW PRISONERS. IT’S THE FUTURE AND OLD WILL REBUILT ME AND WE’RE BEST FRIENDS AND I STILL SHOUT EVERYTHING I’M THINKING. AM I DOING IT NOW?

JARED “OLD WILL” HARRIS

(enters scene)

You never came back and space spiders killed mom and both sisters. I’ve devoted the last 20 years to building a time machine and resenting you.

OLD WILL does some SCIENCY THINGS and a PORTAL opens up that shows the day of the JUPITER 2’S LAUNCH.

JARED “OLD WILL” HARRIS

I have enough power for ONE person to go back and stop us from filming this- er, stop us from leaving Earth.

GARY OLDMAN appears, pointing a LASER PISTOL at JACK “YOUNG WILL” JOHNSON.

GARY OLDMAN

For a genius, this kid is a moron. I talked him into releasing me from confinement and even giving me his gun, all while casually calling myself a monster.

(scratches back)

I’m taking the portal. This cut is itchy and the rubber makeup might fall off if I scratch it too much...

A LARGE CLOAKED FIGURE appears, grabs GARY, and LIFTS HIM UP.

LARGE CLOAKED FIGURE

Not so fast. The scratch got worse and now I’m...

(whips off cloak)

GARY SPIDEROLDMAN!

(throws original GARY)

JARED “OLD WILL” HARRIS

We became friends and he protected me all these years!

GARY SPIDEROLDMAN

Yes, you've been like a son to me.

(beat)

Anyway, I'm using the portal and leaving you here to die. Tubot, kill them all!

(heads toward portal)

SHITTILY-MADE DICK TUBOT

NO! THIS SCRIPT IS GETTING WAY TOO LONG. I HAVE EMOTIONS NOW AND THE BOY IS MY BEST FRIEND, DEAL WITH IT. NOW I WILL ESCORT YOUNG WILL AND JOEY AND GARY BACK TO THE SHIP SO THAT WE CAN LEAVE BEFORE THE PLANET EXPLODES. IT SHOULD BE EASY FOR MY TINY WHEELS TO TRAVERSE THE ROCKY TERRAIN THAT’S COVERED IN HAIRY BALL SACKS.

(all leave)

WILLIAM HURT

(to OLD WILL)

We have to stop him.

JARED “OLD WILL” HARRIS

But how? He’s a SpiderOldman and he can do whatever an Oldman can!

(points)

Look out! Here comes SpiderOldman!

SPIDEROLDMAN ATTACKS WILLIAM.

GARY SPIDEROLDMAN

My belly is filled with half-human spider overlords that will conquer Earth! Look at how full and exposed it is right now! It would be a shame if someone stabbed it with an especially pointy science award...

WILLIAM HURT

(does this)

The BABY SPACE SPIDERS THAT DON’T LOOK HALF HUMAN AT ALL attack SPIDEROLDMAN and EAT HIM!

WILLIAM HURT

Oh yeah, the spiders eat their wounded. I should have mentioned that earlier in the script...

In the distance, WILLIAM sees the JUPITER 2 LAUNCH.

JUPITER 2

(hits rock)

(explodes)

WILLIAM HURT

For Christ sake. Old Will, can you send me back a few minutes to keep that from happening?

JARED “OLD WILL” HARRIS

Sure. I could just go back and keep us from getting lost in the first place, but I’m sure giving you a few extra minutes will fix everything. Despite your emotional unavailability, I love you, dad.

WILLIAM HURT

Ok bye.

(leaves through portal)

INT. JUPITER 2, THE FUTURE BUT LIKE 5 MINUTES BEFORE THE PREVIOUS SCENE

WILLIAM APPEARS onboard right as they LAUNCH.

WILLIAM HURT

I’m here. Hopefully, my added plot armor will keep the ship from blowing up this time.

JUPITER 2

(hits similar-sized rock)

(doesn’t explode)

They ESCAPE the planet and all REJOICE!

HEATHER GRAHAM

(kisses JOEY, thereby validating all of his previous sexual harassment)

MATT “JOEY” LEBLANC

Next time, let’s make the kiss a little softer and a LOT lower- oh shit! We’re about to fly into a black hole! This corner of the galaxy is a fucking minefield!

WILLIAM HURT

Prepare to warp again. Maybe we’ll end up at Alpha Prime. But, more likely, we'll just continue to be...

ALL ACTORS IN UNISON

(look at camera)

LOST. IN. SPACE.

They BLAST OFF, headed for WHO GIVES A FUCK. The CHAOTIC CREDITS roll and every EPILEPTIC in the audience has a SEIZURE.

END

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